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Stoopid Buzz buys two horses and he can't tell them apart. So he asks bro Drift what to do. Drift says to cut one of their tails off. So he does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So he can't tell them apart again. He asks Drift for advice a second time. Drift tells him to cut one of the horses ears. So he does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. He is still confused so he asks Drift what to do. Drift tells stoopid Buzz to measure them. He comes back smiling and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!" :oIo::oIo:
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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a f**king asshole ..."
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a f**king asshole ..."
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”
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Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. “Does anyone know what this is?” She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my daddy has two of them!” “Two of them?!” the teacher asked. “Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”
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A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window}turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy admitted that this was the case. 'Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.
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IQ question....
6 men at a river, no boat, but river full of a special species of piranhas that will gooble up dicks...with only a bottle of mineral water...how will these 6 men cross the river....
6 men at a river, no boat, but river full of a special species of piranhas that will gooble up dicks...with only a bottle of mineral water...how will these 6 men cross the river....
dankos
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last guy sticks his cock on the 5th guy arse, 5th guy anal the 4th guy on so forth.... 1st guy stick his dick inside the mineral water bottle. then all of them walk across the river in 1 single file.
Walk across the bridge?
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Re: F**king Bankers
Dr. Quek made a routine house call to MM Lee, one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lee?" Mr. Lee replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroomlight goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.
The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lee, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...." At which point, Mrs. Lee yells, "Aiyoh, Ah Loong !
Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"
Dr. Quek made a routine house call to MM Lee, one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lee?" Mr. Lee replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroomlight goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.
The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lee, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...." At which point, Mrs. Lee yells, "Aiyoh, Ah Loong !
Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"
Re: F**king Bankers
Rellieved a long stressful day. Thanks...
God and Satan are having tea together.
Satan : Everytime someone do something bad, they blame it on me
God : Grin Everytime I screwed up, I told them I am testing them.
Satan : Every single f**k thing that is bad, they blame it on me.
God : So what? Everytime they F**K they scream for me!
Rellieved a long stressful day. Thanks...
God and Satan are having tea together.
Satan : Everytime someone do something bad, they blame it on me
God : Grin
Everytime I screwed up, I told them I am testing them.Satan : Every single f**k thing that is bad, they blame it on me.
God : So what? Everytime they F**K they scream for me!
Re: F**king Bankers
Great thread. Here's my contribution.
Sir Lancelot, one of King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table, was smitten by the beauty of Arthur's wife Queen Guinevere's breasts. He wanted to suck them badly but feared the consequences if found out. He approached Merlin the Magician and offered him 100 gold pieces if he could help fulfill his lust. Merlin agreed and proceeded to concoct some itch powder.
The next day he went to the royal laundry and sprinkled the powder on Guinevere's bras when they were put out for drying after washing. When Guinevere wore the bras, her breasts started to itch and no medicine could stop it. Merlin's advice was sought and he told Arthur that only Sir Lancelot's saliva, which had special ingredients when applied directly to the breasts from his mouth, could stop the itch. Subsequently, Lancelot was ordered to administer his saliva on Guinevere's breasts. Armed with a lotion from Merlin, Lancelot began to suck and lick Guinevere's breasts to his heart's content.
A few hours later Guinevere's itch stopped and a satisfied Lancelot left for his quarters. Along the way he was confronted by Merlin for payment. But Lancelot refused to honor his word and dared Merlin to report him to Arthur. Seeing that talking was useless, Merlin let Lancelot go. He then walked to the laundry where Arthur's underwear was drying and sprinkled his itch powder on them.
Great thread. Here's my contribution.
Sir Lancelot, one of King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table, was smitten by the beauty of Arthur's wife Queen Guinevere's breasts. He wanted to suck them badly but feared the consequences if found out. He approached Merlin the Magician and offered him 100 gold pieces if he could help fulfill his lust. Merlin agreed and proceeded to concoct some itch powder.
The next day he went to the royal laundry and sprinkled the powder on Guinevere's bras when they were put out for drying after washing. When Guinevere wore the bras, her breasts started to itch and no medicine could stop it. Merlin's advice was sought and he told Arthur that only Sir Lancelot's saliva, which had special ingredients when applied directly to the breasts from his mouth, could stop the itch. Subsequently, Lancelot was ordered to administer his saliva on Guinevere's breasts. Armed with a lotion from Merlin, Lancelot began to suck and lick Guinevere's breasts to his heart's content.
A few hours later Guinevere's itch stopped and a satisfied Lancelot left for his quarters. Along the way he was confronted by Merlin for payment. But Lancelot refused to honor his word and dared Merlin to report him to Arthur. Seeing that talking was useless, Merlin let Lancelot go. He then walked to the laundry where Arthur's underwear was drying and sprinkled his itch powder on them.
Re: F**king Bankers
The origin of the word FUCK ....
In ancient England, people could not have sex without the king's permission.
So, ..... to have a baby, they had to get the king's consent.
They were given a card to hang on the door while having sex.
It said "Fornication Under Consent of King (FUCK)"
and thus the word FUCK came into existence ...
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used
to describe many situations ...
1. Greetings - "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud - "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation - "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble - "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression - "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust - "Fuck me."
7. Confusion - "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty - "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair - "Ahhh... Fuck...?"
10. Pleasure - "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure - "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost - "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief - "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation - "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial - "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity - "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy - "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Suspicion - "Who the fuck are you?"
19. Panic - "Let's get the fuck out of here."
20. Directions - "Fuck off."
21. Disbelief - "How the fuck did you do that?"
22. Telling time - "I have to work till 5 fucking o'clock."
The origin of the word FUCK ....
In ancient England, people could not have sex without the king's permission.
So, ..... to have a baby, they had to get the king's consent.
They were given a card to hang on the door while having sex.
It said "Fornication Under Consent of King (FUCK)"
and thus the word FUCK came into existence ...
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used
to describe many situations ...
1. Greetings - "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud - "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation - "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble - "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression - "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust - "Fuck me."
7. Confusion - "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty - "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair - "Ahhh... Fuck...?"
10. Pleasure - "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure - "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost - "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief - "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation - "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial - "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity - "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy - "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Suspicion - "Who the fuck are you?"
19. Panic - "Let's get the fuck out of here."
20. Directions - "Fuck off."
21. Disbelief - "How the fuck did you do that?"
22. Telling time - "I have to work till 5 fucking o'clock."
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Re: F**king Bankers
Ok, sharing some that i remembered reading from somewhere a long term ago:
A genie was released from a bottle one day and promised the person who delivered it one single wish.
The lucky guy wished for: Oh I wish my dick could touch the floor! Poof! Your wish is granted, the genie exclaimed!
- He became shorter.
Another one(needs some Hokkien knowledge and pretty crass though - Note, you have been warned)
3 musicians were performing at a attractive young ladys funeral. One was using a "suo na" (similar to clarinet type), another was using a wooden percussion device and the last one was using a gong.
Halfway through the performance though, the "Suo na" guy noticed that the girl was not wearing underwear infact. Seeing such a good "lobang" he then decided to tell his friends but as always, its very rude to talk of it in front of a crowd especially when they are mourning. So they used coded messages using their instruments.
The first trumpeted: "Or yee or yee or, wu lang bo cheng kor !!"
The excited percussionist then replied "Ti to loh, ti to loh?"
The third one, being an old hand, not wanted to alert anyone else,
then clanged both his gongs together "Tiam Tiam Kua, Tiam Tiam Kua"
Ok, sharing some that i remembered reading from somewhere a long term ago:
A genie was released from a bottle one day and promised the person who delivered it one single wish.
The lucky guy wished for: Oh I wish my dick could touch the floor! Poof! Your wish is granted, the genie exclaimed!
- He became shorter.
Another one(needs some Hokkien knowledge and pretty crass though - Note, you have been warned)
3 musicians were performing at a attractive young ladys funeral. One was using a "suo na" (similar to clarinet type), another was using a wooden percussion device and the last one was using a gong.
Halfway through the performance though, the "Suo na" guy noticed that the girl was not wearing underwear infact. Seeing such a good "lobang" he then decided to tell his friends but as always, its very rude to talk of it in front of a crowd especially when they are mourning. So they used coded messages using their instruments.
The first trumpeted: "Or yee or yee or, wu lang bo cheng kor !!"
The excited percussionist then replied "Ti to loh, ti to loh?"
The third one, being an old hand, not wanted to alert anyone else,
then clanged both his gongs together "Tiam Tiam Kua, Tiam Tiam Kua"
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Another one, this one is slightly disgusting.
A woman who wanted to become a man decided to engage a taoist priest after failing repeatedly to look more manly.
So she asked him to give her a moustache, as it was on a Sunday, the taoist priest could not go to the shops to get some artificial hair. So he decided to use her hair from parts of her body, lesser chance of "rejection" you see.
So he used her hair and transplated it on her upper lip, making a nice moustache.
All went well until she came back a month later and complained loudly though it was with a muffled voice as the priest could not even see where her mouth was.
The moustache was growing too fast and covering my face, she said.
Ok, so the priest removed it and this time, used hair from her armpits instead. Nice and curly so he thought. Yet barely a month when she came back, this time her complaint was that people found her mouth too smelly.
Being a person who values customer satisfaction and always proud of his professional services, he again offered to help rectify. This time, he used her pubic hair from "way down south" and transplated it. It was neither too smelly now too long and the curls looked natural on her. She walked away, very satisfied.
Unfortunately, a month later, she came back again. This time, she looke pale and weak and always put a hanky at the corner of her luscious red lips.
"How are you?" The priest asked?
"Not so good" she said, for i have been coughing blood continuously for the past 6 days!!!
A woman who wanted to become a man decided to engage a taoist priest after failing repeatedly to look more manly.
So she asked him to give her a moustache, as it was on a Sunday, the taoist priest could not go to the shops to get some artificial hair. So he decided to use her hair from parts of her body, lesser chance of "rejection" you see.
So he used her hair and transplated it on her upper lip, making a nice moustache.
All went well until she came back a month later and complained loudly though it was with a muffled voice as the priest could not even see where her mouth was.
The moustache was growing too fast and covering my face, she said.
Ok, so the priest removed it and this time, used hair from her armpits instead. Nice and curly so he thought. Yet barely a month when she came back, this time her complaint was that people found her mouth too smelly.
Being a person who values customer satisfaction and always proud of his professional services, he again offered to help rectify. This time, he used her pubic hair from "way down south" and transplated it. It was neither too smelly now too long and the curls looked natural on her. She walked away, very satisfied.
Unfortunately, a month later, she came back again. This time, she looke pale and weak and always put a hanky at the corner of her luscious red lips.
"How are you?" The priest asked?
"Not so good" she said, for i have been coughing blood continuously for the past 6 days!!!
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Ok, from some website i read a while back:
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"
The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"
Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"
In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"
The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"
Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"
