I Cut! I Cut!

[red amoeba]

Re: An Honest Mistake

i contribute also:

translated from Chinese:

Ah Beng is working at a picke factory.
one day,he confessed to his wife, ah lian
"I think i have a urge to stick my dick into the cucumber slicer"
Ah lian exclaimed : WTF, you need help
but ah beng, thinking it was embarrassing, did nothing about it.
Then one fine day, ah lian saw ah beng returning from work, face all pale
she realised something is seriously wrong.
WTF happened? she asked
You remembered I told you i wanna stick my stick into the cucumber slicer?
"yah"
"I did it today"
"CB, what happened?"
"I was fired"
"What happened to the cucumber slicer?"
"She was fired too."

 

[red amoeba]

Re: An Honest Mistake

another one...

ah beng walked into a bar with a crocodile one day.
he put the crocodile down on the bar top and spoke to everyone in the bar.
"I will make a bet with all you...I open the crocodile mouth, stick my dick in, close the mouth and if i can take it out undamaged after one minute, you all buy me a drink."
Everyone gasped but all agreed - as they want to watch the unbelievable happen.
So, ah beng, took off his pants, opened the crocodile's mouth, stick his dick in, clamp the mouth shut again.
after about a minute, he took a beer bottle and smashed it on the crocodile's head, the crocodile opened its mouth, and Ah Beng withdrew his dick without damage.
Eveyone in the bar cheered and bought him one round of drinks.
"Now, who would like to try?" challenged ah beng. "I will pay anyone who dared to try one hundred bucks"
Silence fell onto the crowd, before Ah Lian replied "i will, but you must promised not to hit me with a beer bottle"

 

[red amoeba]

Re: An Honest Mistake

one more to wrap up the day:

A man was in a hotel lobby and wanted to ask the concierge a question, however as he made his way towards the counter, he accidentally brushed his elbow against the breast of a lady who was waiting at the counter.
"I am sorry, but if your heart is as soft as your breast, you would forgive me would you?" he said
The lady replied "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, i am in room 1202"

 

[red amoeba]

Re: An Honest Mistake

Ah Beng (to ah lian): Want to come my house or not, show you something
Ah Lian : On lah
(arrive Ah Beng's home)
Ah Beng: better switch the lights off hee..
Ah Lian (blush): orh, anything lah
Ah Beng: go to the bed?
Ah Lian: (even more pai seh)..orh
Ah Beng: Come cover blanket
Ah Lian: blushed to the core, just nod shyly, fingers going astray...
Ah Beng: nah...look carefully...see..my watch can shine in the dark de...sak ki or not?

 

[red amoeba]

Re: An Honest Mistake

this one very meaningful:

2 guys express their love to chio bu of the school.
Chio bu tells them: Both of u better go see the world before coming back to see me.
Ah siah kieh immediately book a round-the-world ticket and jetted off. Ah beng, however, did a touching act, he walked one round around chio bu and told her "you are my world"
The chio bu, touched by his words....but ultimately, chose to be with ah siah kiah.

 

[red amoeba]

Re: An Honest Mistake

dunno whether true or not...

before his marriage, a fine young gentlemen went to home of the girl that he loved to ask for her hand for marriage:
the girl's parents ask:
"where u intend to stay after your marriage with my daughter?"
"with my grandma, my dad and my step-mother"
"you have a house?"
"yes, but it is very old"
"will you be coming in a limo on the wedding day"
"no, but i will arrive in a carriage"
"WTF, you are not fit to ask for my daughter's hand in marriage."
And with that, Prince Willams left her house feeling dejected....

 

[FuzzyDude]

Re: An Honest Mistake

Keep this thread going... Ah Lian jokes ....

Beauty Contest
Miss America, Miss Australia, and Miss Singapore are the finalists of a beauty contest.

Now....the judges are asking 4 questions to the finalists...the 1st question is:

"Name me an electrical appliance starting with the letter l..."
Miss America is as confident as ever, and replies straight away:"..lamp..."
Miss Australia replies: "......light bulb...."
Now Miss Singapore is not too sure......she finally says: ".....ladio...."
Then the judges say: "....sorry, radio doesn't start with letter l....."

Now the 2nd question is:

".....name me an animal starting with the letter l"
Miss America says confidently:"....lion...."
.....and Miss Australia says: "......leopard....."
And now Miss Singapore isn't too sure again....she says: "...labbit..."
the judges say: "...sorry, rabbit doesn't start with the letter l....."

Now, the 3rd and last question.....

"....name me a fruit starting with the letter l....."
Miss America says: "....lime...."
Miss Australia says: ".....lemon...."
Now Miss Singapore knows the answer for once.....she is very confident about it and says: "..liew lian..!!!"

The judges shook their heads, but nevertheless proceeded to the final question.

"....name me a part of the human body that begins with the letter l ...."
Miss America says: "....lung...."
Miss Australia says: "ermm.....liver...."
Miss Singapore grins and says....

".....LAN CIAU?...."

 

[Windsor]

Re: An Honest Mistake

Nice ones fellas Keep it up.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[KNNBCCB]

Ah Beng Looking For Wife

This is a story about Ah beng in search of a wife with the help of his mother, Ahkew. One day Ah beng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng.

The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :

1.) Ahuey - Telephonist
2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher
3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor

Ah beng very sexcited lar of course then.

After a while of chatting with the girls his mother asked him.

Ah Kew : Ah Beng, how ? Which one you like the most ?

Ah Beng : I like Ah Lian the most

Ah Kew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ah Moi not bad leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto skool also easy

Ah Beng : Ah Mah dunwan laaa!!

Ah Kew : Why dunwan?

Ah Beng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say " PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ah Mah!

Ah Kew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ah Lian

Ah beng : Dun wan also! Ah Mah, she is telephonist la! they love to say " WAIT A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON !" dem potong stim lidat Ah Mah where got mood to make baby la?

Ah kew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ah Lian so much? bus conductor only wor!!! Where got future one ?

Ah beng : Ah Mah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus., those women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!! " (in yingrish it means "go in behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!! deeper! deeper!!!) every time they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!!

:*::*::*:

 

[Windsor]

Ah Beng Looking For Wife

This is a story about Ah beng in search of a wife with the help of his mother, Ahkew. One day Ah beng's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng.

The 3 pretty girls name and occupation :

1.) Ahuey - Telephonist
2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher
3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor

Ah beng very sexcited lar of course then.

After a while of chatting with the girls his mother asked him.

Ah Kew : Ah Beng, how ? Which one you like the most ?

Ah Beng : I like Ah Lian the most

Ah Kew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ah Moi not bad leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto skool also easy

Ah Beng : Ah Mah dunwan laaa!!

Ah Kew : Why dunwan?

Ah Beng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say " PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE!" Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ah Mah!

Ah Kew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ah Lian

Ah beng : Dun wan also! Ah Mah, she is telephonist la! they love to say " WAIT A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON !" dem potong stim lidat Ah Mah where got mood to make baby la?

Ah kew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ah Lian so much? bus conductor only wor!!! Where got future one ?

Ah beng : Ah Mah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus., those women bus conductor always say "BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!! " (in yingrish it means "go in behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!! deeper! deeper!!!) every time they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!!

:*::*::*:

Haha...this is a good one bro

 

[KNNBCCB]

An SMRT bus hits an SBS bus filled with Sinkie girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Ah Lian, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Ah Huey, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Ah Hwa, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Ho Jinx sticks her ass in it."

 

[middaydog]

"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Ho Jinx sticks her ass in it."

you mean you sticked yours in Ms. Jinx's, izzitt?

 

[zeddy]

An SMRT bus hits an SBS bus filled with Sinkie girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Ah Lian, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Ah Huey, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Ah Hwa, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Ho Jinx sticks her ass in it."

Ha..Ha..Ha.. Good one bro.. More of these please..

 

[KNNBCCB]

you mean you sticked yours in Ms. Jinx's, izzitt?

Si uncle botak... I stick my finger in her and you taste it ..ai mai..?

 

[red amoeba]

an ingenious teacher came up with a way to check which of her students are smokers.

teacher to ah beng 1 - u smoke?
ah beng1 = no.
teacher = no? ok, have a french fries
ah beng stretched out 2 fingers (out of habit) to take the fries.


teacher to ah beng 2 : u smoke?
ah beng 2: er, no
teacher: ok, have a french fries
ah beng 2 after seeing ah beng 1's mistake, stretched out his hand to take the french fries.
teacher: have some chilli?
ah beng 2 : ok, dip french fries into chilli but took too much. So, he flicked the fries to shake off some chilli.


ah beng 3 next.
teacher repeated the question, he said no, not smoker.
teacher: ok, have a french fries
ah beng 3 saw what happened to the 2 ah bengs, carefully ate his french fries.
teacher: here, take one for your friend.
ah beng 3 said thanks, took the french fries and stick it behind his ear....

ah beng 4...

teacher repeated the whole procedure. Ah beng 4 was careful, when the teacher offered him a french fries for his friend, he took it and put it in his pocket....

teacher : Nah beh, here comes the principal....

ah beng 4 shocked, took out his french fries from the pocket, dropped it on the floor and quickly stamped on it.

ah beng 5...
likewise, said he dun smoke. Teacher offered him a french fries, he took it.
teacher: u not gonna offer me one?
ah beng 5 nodded, pass the teacher the french fries and took out his lighter...

ah beng 6...
he saw all that happened before him...
smoker?
no.
ok, take a french fries.
ah beng take french fries, finish eating. Teacher offered him another, took it and place it in his pocket.
"nah beh, the principal is here"
"oh. hello mr principal"
"shit, he will smell the ciggy from ur breath"
ah beng " hee no lah, i haven't even light it yet, see its still here" as he took out the french fries from his pocket.

ah beng 7...
"so, u smoker?"
"no...i swear to god, I not smoker"
"ok, here, have a french fries"
ah beng 7 took it and finished it.
"ok, u r a good boy. So, usually what brand of french fries u like?"
"me? malboro lights"....

 

[red amoeba]

Re: Perfume

ok, here is a sibeh disgusting one...

if you just have your food, please skip this joke...i warn you ok, its sibeh disgusting ...

ready?

Don't say u not warned....


2 beggars are huddled in the cold winter. They are hungry and they are poor.

they walked past a rowdy pub and there was a pile of vomit lying there.

Beggar 1 : I am fucking hungry and i can eat anything, I will eat that pile ...so he bent down and eat up that pile of *****

It took him like 5 minutes to finish up....and so they walked off again...

But Beggar 1 as he walked, he started to feel sick...u noe..after what he has eaten...but becos he is hungry...he had to try very to hard not to puke...and keep it in...

Another half an hour, he buay tahan, ...so he puked...

at that very moment, beggar 2 sprung forward, and lapped every thing up....

Beggar 1 started cursing - you fucking pevert and disgusting, how can you....

Beggar 2 retorted: cheebye lah...lim beh got principle ok, i only eat warm food and some more, this portion is larger than the previous one...

===

nah...dun say i neber warn you...i told u it will be disgusting right?

 

[red amoeba]

A singkie, an Indian FT and a US FT are boasting about their marksmanship skills - so they decide to have a competition.

US FT put apple on sinkie head, and shoot the apple...I am Zorro - he shouted...

Indian FT put a orange on US FT head and shoot the orange... I am 007 he shouted

Singkie put a grape on Indian FT head, and shoot....and killed FT with a headshot....I am sorry, he shouted...

 

[FuzzyDude]

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

 

[palden]

Love this thread

 

[Windsor]

Love this thread

Haha...bros here need more humour

Will make a new one with different there

Sure will have more contribution from bros here. Akan datang