8868, good stuff. Liked the urinals 1, nun and oooh la la latin titties:p Spread the goodwill to my cronies, they had a gas!
Glad you like it Brother
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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Glad you like it Brother
Here’s to brighten up the day! 
The Elderly Couple
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."
The Elderly Couple
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."
The Old Couple
This man & woman have been married to each other for over sixty years. For the last few years the only sex they have, is she holds his penis in her hand.
Anyway, the husband comes home late one night and says "Honey I'm sorry,I still love you, but I'm leaving you for another woman."
The wife gets hysterical and starts screaming at him. "Well, is she younger than me?" He says "No." She screams "Well, is she prettier than me?" He says "Well, no." She asks "Is she rich?" He says "Hell no!" By then the woman has completely lost it, and screams at the top of her lungs, "Well then what does that BITCH have that I don't have?" Husband replies with a grin "P-P-PP-Parkinsons Disease."
This man & woman have been married to each other for over sixty years. For the last few years the only sex they have, is she holds his penis in her hand.
Anyway, the husband comes home late one night and says "Honey I'm sorry,I still love you, but I'm leaving you for another woman."
The wife gets hysterical and starts screaming at him. "Well, is she younger than me?" He says "No." She screams "Well, is she prettier than me?" He says "Well, no." She asks "Is she rich?" He says "Hell no!" By then the woman has completely lost it, and screams at the top of her lungs, "Well then what does that BITCH have that I don't have?" Husband replies with a grin "P-P-PP-Parkinsons Disease."
The Old Spinnster
On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:
" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"
The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.
She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"
The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"
On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:
" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"
The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.
She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"
The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"
A Stiff One
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one."
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one."
TGIF:p
A Sat-Nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
*
I have a little Sat-Nav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Sat-Nav is my wife
*
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
*
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
*
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
*
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
*
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
*
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
*
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
*
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the fuckin’ thing off.
A Sat-Nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
*
I have a little Sat-Nav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Sat-Nav is my wife
*
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
*
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
*
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
*
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
*
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
*
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
*
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
*
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the fuckin’ thing off.
TGIF 2:p Oldie tunes revisited (dedicated to resident hard-on guy)
Singers of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby-boomers ....
New Releases Include:
Herman's Hermits
---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker (not wanker??)
Ringo Starr
---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
(Protective underwear!)
The BeeGees
-- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack
---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash
---
I CAN'T See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon
---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores
---
Once, Twice, 3 Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harum
---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer
---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations
---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba
---
Denture Queen
Helen Reddy
---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Lesley Gore
---
It's My Hormones & I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last but not least...
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
Singers of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby-boomers ....
New Releases Include:
Herman's Hermits
---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker (not wanker??)
Ringo Starr
---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
(Protective underwear!)
The BeeGees
-- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack
---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash
---
I CAN'T See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon
---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores
---
Once, Twice, 3 Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harum
---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer
---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations
---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba
---
Denture Queen
Helen Reddy
---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Lesley Gore
---
It's My Hormones & I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last but not least...
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
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Yeah....its TGIF!
A 19 year-old boy asked his father to borrow the car. Dad looked at him and said "Tell you what son, get your hair cut, improve in school and read the bible, then get back to me".
Three weeks later the son returned "OK dad, My grades are up and I read the bible three times, can I have the car?". "And the hair?" responded his father. "Come on dad, even Jesus had long hair!".
The father looked long and hard at his desperate kid and said " I know my son, Jesus had long hair and HE WALKED!!!!!"
A 19 year-old boy asked his father to borrow the car. Dad looked at him and said "Tell you what son, get your hair cut, improve in school and read the bible, then get back to me".
Three weeks later the son returned "OK dad, My grades are up and I read the bible three times, can I have the car?". "And the hair?" responded his father. "Come on dad, even Jesus had long hair!".
The father looked long and hard at his desperate kid and said " I know my son, Jesus had long hair and HE WALKED!!!!!"
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already
inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.'
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means
'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already
inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'
The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.'
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means
'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
Funny Tgif Quotes
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed....
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.....
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are....
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.....
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute....
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small......
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself........
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got......
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed....
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.....
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are....
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.....
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute....
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small......
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself........
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got......
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
who is the handsomest in this forum ????
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
Women, are the best vehicles in the world because:
2 beautiful headlights in front,
2 great bumpers at the back,
Self-lubricating when hot,
Finger touch ignition,
Automatic engine oil change every month,
Any type of pistons fit,
Multiple seating styles & adjustments,
Great accessories,
Highest mileage: 9 months with just 5 ml refill.
That's why MEN are dying to get a ride!!
2 beautiful headlights in front,
2 great bumpers at the back,
Self-lubricating when hot,
Finger touch ignition,
Automatic engine oil change every month,
Any type of pistons fit,
Multiple seating styles & adjustments,
Great accessories,
Highest mileage: 9 months with just 5 ml refill.
That's why MEN are dying to get a ride!!
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said no, but he had once told a donkey to fuck off.
He said no, but he had once told a donkey to fuck off.
Today's chuckles...
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently from the rest of us.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
8 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
9 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
11 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
12 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
13 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
14 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
15 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
17 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
18- I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
19- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
21- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."
22 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
23 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
25 - Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
26 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
27 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
28 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
29- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
30 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently from the rest of us.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
8 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
9 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
11 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
12 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
13 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
14 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
15 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
17 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
18- I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
19- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
21- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."
22 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
23 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
25 - Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
26 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
27 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
28 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
29- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
30 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
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