-
IP addresses are NOT logged in this forum so there's no point asking. Please note that this forum is full of homophobes, racists, lunatics, schizophrenics & absolute nut jobs with a smattering of geniuses, Chinese chauvinists, Moderate Muslims and last but not least a couple of "know-it-alls" constantly sprouting their dubious wisdom. If you believe that content generated by unsavory characters might cause you offense PLEASE LEAVE NOW! Sammyboy Admin and Staff are not responsible for your hurt feelings should you choose to read any of the content here. The OTHER forum is HERE so please stop asking.
Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.
"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.
"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Dirty and vulgar joke:
A guy, down on his luck, just lost his job and family shuffles down to the whore house. He walks in and talk to the madame and says," Im having a rough time shits fucked, I got 5 dollars and a half pack of salems, what can you do"?
THe madame talks on a phone and nods, " Room 2a".
So he walks anxiously up the stairs and opens the door expecting a cross between a parapalegic with downsyndrome or the pussy looks like a bulldog eating out of a mayo jar, but alas he walks in. There is pretty hot whore laying on the bed spread eagle. So I walk over and say ," You ready,"....no reply. Well if no means yes, than nothing definetly means yes, so he proceeds to mount. It was tight and he really starting digging for the indian clay, but with each piledrive a yellowish snot would come out her nostrils and mouth. So the gentleman finished rather quickly and went and told a manager below. " Sir, I was fucking the chick upthere and she wasn't moving and this yellowish ooze starting coming out her orphaces."
Manager talks into a walkie talkie," Hey jasper," "ya" " Head on up to the second floow bring the shopvac and the make up bag" "Oh shit why? IS the dead girl full again"
A guy, down on his luck, just lost his job and family shuffles down to the whore house. He walks in and talk to the madame and says," Im having a rough time shits fucked, I got 5 dollars and a half pack of salems, what can you do"?
THe madame talks on a phone and nods, " Room 2a".
So he walks anxiously up the stairs and opens the door expecting a cross between a parapalegic with downsyndrome or the pussy looks like a bulldog eating out of a mayo jar, but alas he walks in. There is pretty hot whore laying on the bed spread eagle. So I walk over and say ," You ready,"....no reply. Well if no means yes, than nothing definetly means yes, so he proceeds to mount. It was tight and he really starting digging for the indian clay, but with each piledrive a yellowish snot would come out her nostrils and mouth. So the gentleman finished rather quickly and went and told a manager below. " Sir, I was fucking the chick upthere and she wasn't moving and this yellowish ooze starting coming out her orphaces."
Manager talks into a walkie talkie," Hey jasper," "ya" " Head on up to the second floow bring the shopvac and the make up bag" "Oh shit why? IS the dead girl full again"
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
Hope u guys will enjoy..... 
Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
What's the definition of a Lesbian??
"Just another damn woman, trying to do a man's job."
Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man. After marriage, she suspects her man. After his death, she respects the man.
During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style Next three months do it the doggy style And the last three months do it the wolf style? sit outside the hole and howl?
Girl in theatre: "the man next to me is masturbating"
Boyfriend: "ignore him"
GF: "I can't, he's using my hand"
What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog? "
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."
A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent?
The doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."
4 miracles of a woman:
1. Getting wet without taking a shower
2. bleeding without getting hurt
3. giving milk without eating grass
4. and making boneless flesh hard
25 useless things in a man:
20 nails 02 nipples that don't milk 02 balls that you cannot play with.
01 cock that does not lay egg.
Teacher: "why cows get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours then you are left
unsatisfied how would feel?
Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
What's the definition of a Lesbian??
"Just another damn woman, trying to do a man's job."
Women are unpredictable:
Before marriage, she expects a man. After marriage, she suspects her man. After his death, she respects the man.
During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style Next three months do it the doggy style And the last three months do it the wolf style? sit outside the hole and howl?
Girl in theatre: "the man next to me is masturbating"
Boyfriend: "ignore him"
GF: "I can't, he's using my hand"
What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog? "
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."
A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent?
The doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."
4 miracles of a woman:
1. Getting wet without taking a shower
2. bleeding without getting hurt
3. giving milk without eating grass
4. and making boneless flesh hard
25 useless things in a man:
20 nails 02 nipples that don't milk 02 balls that you cannot play with.
01 cock that does not lay egg.
Teacher: "why cows get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours then you are left
unsatisfied how would feel?
A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their married life.
The first one gets married....
On the second day a letter arrives with a single message... simply; "Maxwell Coffeehouse"
Mother became confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell ad, and it read; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married.
A week later there's a message (secret code again ) that read; "Rothmans"
So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." So Mother gives a wide grin.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
4 weeks later came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"
Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read;
(scroll down please.)
"TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
The first one gets married....
On the second day a letter arrives with a single message... simply; "Maxwell Coffeehouse"
Mother became confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell ad, and it read; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married.
A week later there's a message (secret code again ) that read; "Rothmans"
So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE." So Mother gives a wide grin.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious.
4 weeks later came the message; "BRITISH AIRWAYS"
Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read;
(scroll down please.)
"TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up.
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide.
He tells her to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The lady is so excited.
She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank.
He continues - "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.
The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
The passion is heating up.
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide.
He tells her to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The lady is so excited.
She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank.
He continues - "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.
The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea.
I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche.
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea.
I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche.
The Technical Rehearsal.
It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Take your time getting back.
We've been ready for hours.
There's plenty of room for more instruments over here.
The headsets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
The orchestra has no complaints.
The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
That didn't last long.
That went SO well!
We've finished early so why don't the crew get off home?
We've finished early.
The Actor.
Don't. Let's not talk about me.
I've got a bit of free time; do you want a hand to unload the set?
I really think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is SO comfortable!
I love my shoes.
No problem, I can do that for myself.
No problem.
I have a fantastic agent, here, I'll give you his number; mention me.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand right upstage with my back to the audience.
No, leave the light where it is, I'll walk into it.
Shall I take these cups back?
No, honestly, it's my round.
The Stage Crew
Not at all, that instrument isn't in the way.
We'll get in early and do it tomorrow.
No, no, I'm sure that's our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again, please?
It's a marvellous show!
I don't need this many on the crew.
You're all far too busy; I'll get it onstage on my own.
That was easy.
I'll do it straight after I mop the stage.
Another props table? Certainly.
No, honestly, it's my round.
Thanks, but I don't drink.
The Sound/Electrics Crew
I must fix the light in the publicity office.
This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
Of course I can operate sound from here.
Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
Move all the lights on the FOH bar a foot to the right? No problem.
No problem.
I'll do that right away.
All the equipment is working perfectly.
That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
No, honestly, it's my round.
Thanks, but I don't drink.
The Director
That's fine, I've got my own torch.
Leave it where it is, we'll re-block it.
We'll bring the crew onstage just before the author.
We'll bring the crew onstage.
This chair's fine, thank you.
Thank You.
We'll use it as it is.
Let the crew have that day.
That's perfect!
My round, are all the crew here?
The Choreographer
This floor's fine.
Plenty warm enough, thank you.
The lights are spot on, thank you.
Thank you.
Leave it as it is; we'll fit in somehow.
One dressing room's fine.
The costumes are perfect.
The boom positions are fine.
The wing space is ample, really.
It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Take your time getting back.
We've been ready for hours.
There's plenty of room for more instruments over here.
The headsets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
The orchestra has no complaints.
The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
That didn't last long.
That went SO well!
We've finished early so why don't the crew get off home?
We've finished early.
The Actor.
Don't. Let's not talk about me.
I've got a bit of free time; do you want a hand to unload the set?
I really think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is SO comfortable!
I love my shoes.
No problem, I can do that for myself.
No problem.
I have a fantastic agent, here, I'll give you his number; mention me.
I have a fantastic agent.
Let me stand right upstage with my back to the audience.
No, leave the light where it is, I'll walk into it.
Shall I take these cups back?
No, honestly, it's my round.
The Stage Crew
Not at all, that instrument isn't in the way.
We'll get in early and do it tomorrow.
No, no, I'm sure that's our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again, please?
It's a marvellous show!
I don't need this many on the crew.
You're all far too busy; I'll get it onstage on my own.
That was easy.
I'll do it straight after I mop the stage.
Another props table? Certainly.
No, honestly, it's my round.
Thanks, but I don't drink.
The Sound/Electrics Crew
I must fix the light in the publicity office.
This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
Of course I can operate sound from here.
Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
Move all the lights on the FOH bar a foot to the right? No problem.
No problem.
I'll do that right away.
All the equipment is working perfectly.
That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
No, honestly, it's my round.
Thanks, but I don't drink.
The Director
That's fine, I've got my own torch.
Leave it where it is, we'll re-block it.
We'll bring the crew onstage just before the author.
We'll bring the crew onstage.
This chair's fine, thank you.
Thank You.
We'll use it as it is.
Let the crew have that day.
That's perfect!
My round, are all the crew here?
The Choreographer
This floor's fine.
Plenty warm enough, thank you.
The lights are spot on, thank you.
Thank you.
Leave it as it is; we'll fit in somehow.
One dressing room's fine.
The costumes are perfect.
The boom positions are fine.
The wing space is ample, really.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."
The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."
A boy and a girl were playing outside. The boy said he had to go. The girl asked if she could come. The boy said no. The girl replied 'I'll tell my mom, my mom will tell my dad, and my dad will beat you up.
The boy said okay. So they went to his house. Then the boy said he had to take a shower. The girl said okay. When the boy came out he didn't have a towel on. The girl asked 'What's that?' The boy replied ' Oh thats mr. Happy.'
The girl said okay. Then the boy said he had to go to bed...and in the middle of the night the boy woke up and the room was covered with blood. The boy asked 'WTF happened?!'
The girl replied 'I was playing with mr. Happy and he spit at me so i smashed him with a hammer.'
The boy said okay. So they went to his house. Then the boy said he had to take a shower. The girl said okay. When the boy came out he didn't have a towel on. The girl asked 'What's that?' The boy replied ' Oh thats mr. Happy.'
The girl said okay. Then the boy said he had to go to bed...and in the middle of the night the boy woke up and the room was covered with blood. The boy asked 'WTF happened?!'
The girl replied 'I was playing with mr. Happy and he spit at me so i smashed him with a hammer.'
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
confucius said ...
Art of telling lies:p
Telling a lie is a
Sin for a child.
Fault for an adult.
An art for a lover.
A profession for a lawyer.
A requirement for a politician.
A Management tool for a Boss.
An accomplishment for a bachelor.
An excuse for a subordinate and
A Matter of Survival for a married man.
Experience of interview
Interviewer :Let me check your word Power...
Candidate: k Sir .....
Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of .....good.
Candidate: hmmmm..... Bad
Interviewer : Come
Candidate: Go.
Interviewer : Ugly.
Candidate: Pichlli.
Interviewer : PICHLLIIIII?
Candidate: UGLYYYYYYYYY..
Interviewer : Shut Up.
Candidate: Keep Talking.
Interviewer k now stop these all..
Candidate: now carry on this all
Interviewer :abe...chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaaaa
Candidate:abe bolta rah..bolta rah..bolta rahhh
Interviewer :Areeee yaaar
Candidate: areeee dushmannnnnn
Interviewer : Get Out.
Candidate: Come In.
Interviewer : Oh my God.
Banta : Oh my Devil.
Interviewer : U r Rejected.
Candidate: I m selected...Thank u thank u sir
Interviewer :Let me check your word Power...
Candidate: k Sir .....
Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of .....good.
Candidate: hmmmm..... Bad
Interviewer : Come
Candidate: Go.
Interviewer : Ugly.
Candidate: Pichlli.
Interviewer : PICHLLIIIII?
Candidate: UGLYYYYYYYYY..
Interviewer : Shut Up.
Candidate: Keep Talking.
Interviewer k now stop these all..
Candidate: now carry on this all
Interviewer :abe...chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaaaa
Candidate:abe bolta rah..bolta rah..bolta rahhh
Interviewer :Areeee yaaar
Candidate: areeee dushmannnnnn
Interviewer : Get Out.
Candidate: Come In.
Interviewer : Oh my God.
Banta : Oh my Devil.
Interviewer : U r Rejected.
Candidate: I m selected...Thank u thank u sir
Girl Friend Vs Wife
Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help! .................
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! !
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) ..
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the
program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help! .................
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! !
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) ..
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the
program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend
Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Doctor & Patient
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.
The best thing for you to do,. the doctor said, is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.........Doctor, I don.t deserve the best,. said the patient. What is the next best?...
Small Town Hotels
Staying at a small-town hotel, Tom ordered tea. Shortly afterwards, a girl threw open the door.
Sugar in your tea? She shouted.No, thank you, Tom replied. Ah, well, don't stir it then.
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination.
The best thing for you to do,. the doctor said, is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.........Doctor, I don.t deserve the best,. said the patient. What is the next best?...
Small Town Hotels
Staying at a small-town hotel, Tom ordered tea. Shortly afterwards, a girl threw open the door.
Sugar in your tea? She shouted.No, thank you, Tom replied. Ah, well, don't stir it then.
The psychiatrist and the proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" – No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" – thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds" – still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" –unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" – not a chance. "Nuts and Butts" – no way. "Freaks and Cheeks" – still no good. "Loons and Moons" – forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones -
Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" – No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" – thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds" – still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" –unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" – not a chance. "Nuts and Butts" – no way. "Freaks and Cheeks" – still no good. "Loons and Moons" – forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones -
Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.
Great stuff, this was a howler (deserving to route this to my GP):p If locum on latter, maybe can try "Reverse Constipation"?
God, Send Me Money!
Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to “God, USA,” he decided to send it to the President of the United States.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: “Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. As usual, those crooks deducted $95.”
Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to “God, USA,” he decided to send it to the President of the United States.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: “Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. As usual, those crooks deducted $95.”
Similar threads
