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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
Maori Boy sticks his head in a bag of Flour,
“Look Mum I’m White”
Mum smacks him in the side of the head.
Brother hears and smacks him as well.
Dad hears and whacks him in the head as well.
Dad asks “You learnt anything Boy”.
“ Yeah he says”
I only been white two minutes and already I hate you black bastards.
“Look Mum I’m White”
Mum smacks him in the side of the head.
Brother hears and smacks him as well.
Dad hears and whacks him in the head as well.
Dad asks “You learnt anything Boy”.
“ Yeah he says”
I only been white two minutes and already I hate you black bastards.
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam" the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied....
"The balcony."
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam" the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied....
"The balcony."
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field n which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the m&d, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the m&d, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the m&d or in the field."
Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the m&d, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the m&d, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the m&d or in the field."
Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
Salary increase
New way to threaten your boss:
If you do not increase my salary,
I will tell everyone in the office
That you have increased my salary....
BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE..
A famous speaker said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a beautiful woman who wasn’t my wife!”
Audience was shocked.
The speaker added: “that woman was my mother!” (Laughter and Applause)
A listener tried it at his home.
He said loudly to his wife, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a very beautiful woman who was not my Wife!”
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke,
He finally said “… and I can’t remember who she was!” and he regained his consciousness in a hospital bed...
New way to threaten your boss:
If you do not increase my salary,
I will tell everyone in the office
That you have increased my salary....
BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE..
A famous speaker said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a beautiful woman who wasn’t my wife!”
Audience was shocked.
The speaker added: “that woman was my mother!” (Laughter and Applause)
A listener tried it at his home.
He said loudly to his wife, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a very beautiful woman who was not my Wife!”
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke,
He finally said “… and I can’t remember who she was!” and he regained his consciousness in a hospital bed...
A 21st Century Marriage.
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.
As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a youngman burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's harddrive!"
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.
As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a youngman burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's harddrive!"
IT consultant:
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers,"that's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".
How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers,"that's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".
How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business...
Now can I have my DOG back?"
Hotel bills?
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
How To Become A Dad
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. '
'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. '
'Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
A man and his wife are out in the garden one day.
The man looks at his wife’s ass and says “my god.
Your ass has gotten as big as the grill.” The wife glares at him, but continues working.
As she bends over to care for her flowers, he pulls out his tape measure and holds it up to her ass......
“WOW! Your ass really IS as big as the grill!” Again, the wife ignores him and goes back to work.
Later that night, the man is feeling a bit frisky.
He gets in bed with his wife and starts rubbing his dick between her ass cheeks.
She turns to him, smiles and says “I hope you don’t think I’m gonna fire up the grill for a tiny wiener like that.”
The man looks at his wife’s ass and says “my god.
Your ass has gotten as big as the grill.” The wife glares at him, but continues working.
As she bends over to care for her flowers, he pulls out his tape measure and holds it up to her ass......
“WOW! Your ass really IS as big as the grill!” Again, the wife ignores him and goes back to work.
Later that night, the man is feeling a bit frisky.
He gets in bed with his wife and starts rubbing his dick between her ass cheeks.
She turns to him, smiles and says “I hope you don’t think I’m gonna fire up the grill for a tiny wiener like that.”
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00."
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.
The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well.
When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well.
When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
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