Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[8868]

A super hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest says, "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?" "Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests.
I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby."
The priest says, "It's okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay." As the girl tries to go out, the priest says, "Oh, and dont forget that I will always be here for you!"

 

[8868]

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis.
To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes.
This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

 

[8868]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

[yinyang]

Thanks to 8868, Cruxx (vids), Looney, Erection for laughs Hard to keep up with you guys

 

[thinkorsink]

The guiltiest dog in existence.

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[yinyang]

Seriously??

 

[8868]

 

[8868]

Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her?
How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom.
Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him."
Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

 

[8868]

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids.

He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

 

[8868]

3 engineers (mechanical, electrical and civil) were discussing what the best type of engineer was. The mechanical engineer said, "Well, God must have been a mechanical engineer. Surely if you look at the human body, what with all the joints and pounding the body takes, it's clear he was a mechanical engineer."

The electrical engineer speaks up, "but if you look at the nervous system, with all its intricacies, one must admit that God had to be an electrical engineer".

The civil engineer finally speaks, "God must have been a civil engineer, who else would have run a water and sewer system right through the middle of a recreation area?"

 

[8868]

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

Fifth surgeon said, "I like engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

 

[8868]

The Rules of Bureaucracy

1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. Information deteriorates upward.
4. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
5. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
6. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
7. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
8. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
9. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time find it wrong or to do it over.

 

[Fishypie]

Wonder if this the right pLace to post, but anyway here's the read :

If you are over 55, you will remember .......

Ah......those were the days.

Rose Chan was our favourite performer.

Wong Peng Soon was our favorite badminton player.

Because we reared Siamese fighting fishes, the seller was our idol.

Driving license renewal was by pasting an additional slip at the back of a small red booklet.

Susu lembu was house delivered by our big friendly and strong Bahiii .... on his bicycle in a stainless steel container. The container cap served as a funnel.

Kacang puteh man came a peddling , walking and balancing on his head 6 compartments of different type of murukus ...and we barter our old exercise books for a paper cone of kacang putih.

F&N orange was served in wooden crates and displayed on table during Chinese New Year.

M&M 's was called Treets.

Eating chicken was a treat that happened only once on Chinese New Year and once on "Chap Goh Meh".

We always carried in our pocket a packet of fire crackers during the Chinese New Year.

We always carry a one dollar note at night in case we are stopped by mata mata for not having tail lights on our bicycles.

One noodle 'chow kway teow' cost 30 cents and we bring our own egg.

One 'roti canai' cost 15 cents and one banana for 5 cents.

We bought bangkali bread from the Indian roti man who paddled his bicycle around the neighbourhood with the familiar ringing sound.

Sometimes we bought Cold Storage bread wrapped in wax paper. Spread the bread with butter and kaya wrap with the wax paper and take to school.

Crop crew cut by the travelling Indian and Hockchew barber; 30 cents a haircut; all the way to the top. Reason easy to dry when curi swimming.

During weekends went swimming in the river, no swimming trucks, only birthday suit. No one laugh at you whether your "kuku" is small.

On Sunday morning listen to "Kee Huat" radio facts and fancies and Saturday night "top of the pops" DJ was Patrick Teoh.

Saturday go for cheap matinee usually cowboy shows or Greek mythology like Hercules.
Father gave 70 cents for cheap matinee screening at 10.30am on Saturday/Sunday; 50 cents for ticket, 20 cents for return bus fare. Nobody pays 1 dollar for the 'reserve seat'.

5 cents for kacang putih and 10 cents for ice "angtau". Sometimes ice ball only 5 cents "pau angtau" and half red sugar the other half black sugar or sarsee.

Never, never, never talk or mixed with girls until Form 5.

Learned the waltz, cha-cha, rhumba, foxtrot and offbeat cha cha from a classmate sister.

First time dancing with a girl nearly freezed; heart went "botobom, botobom"...

We survived with mothers who had no maids. They cooked /cleaned while taking care of us at the same time.
We took aspirin, candy floss, fizzy drinks, shaved ice with syrups and diabetes were rare. Salt added to Pepsi or Coke was remedy for fever. Tonic water was taken at the first hint of malaria.
As children, we would ride with our parents on bicycles/ motorcycles for 2 or 3. Richer ones in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

The first time I used a modern toilet I squatted on it for I only know the bucket toilet.

Our children will not know the danger of visiting the outdoor toilet at night nor jumping in fright when the man collect the bucket when you are doing your business.

Toilet paper is torn up newspaper on a hook which you have to crumble first. White toilet paper is an unknown luxury until I left home.

Riding in the back of a taxi was a special treat.

We went to the jungle to catch spiders without worries of Aedes mosquitoes.

The worst disease you could get as a child is 'lock jaw' which every child knows is caused by rusty nails.

With mere 7 pebbles (stones) would be a endless game. With a ball (tennis ball best) we boys would run like crazy for hours.
We caught guppies in drains / canals and when it rained, we swam there.
We ate salty, very sweet & oily food, candies, bread and real butter and drank condensed milk coffee/ tea, ice kacang, but we weren't overweight because we ran and cycled all day.
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and we still continued the stunts.
We never had birthdays parties till we were 21
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and just yelled for them!
When parents found out we were caned in school, it's certain we would get another round. Parents always sided with the teachers.
We fly kites with string coated with pounded glass powder and horse glue and we cut our hands on the string. Happiness is winning a kite fight with a local samsing. I forgot, we also have to make our own kites to suit our 'fighting style'.

We are the last generation to know how to use logarithm tables and slide rulers.

AND I believe this generation produces the best parents because we remember the hard times.
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their grandparents/parents were.
P/S: -The big font used is because of Long-sightedness or hyperopia at our age

 

[yinyang]

Wonder if this the right pLace to post, but anyway here's the read :
If you are over 55, you will remember ....... Ah......those were the days. P/S: -The big font used is because of Long-sightedness or hyperopia at our age

Good on you, waxing lyrical on nostalgia piece. Never fails to bring on a chuckle (or 2):p

 

[8868]

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and
asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a
seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and
I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old
Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick.
"OK lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?," we asked.
She said, "I don't know but its always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture
of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down
as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing.

 

[8868]

Dead Goldfish

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole in the dirt, when her
neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you
doing, there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because
he's inside your fucking cat."

 

[8868]

]Why Brazil beat Turkey

I enjoyed most of the 2002 world cup and studied the technical reasons why some teams succeeded while others failed. Here is the reason why Brazil beat Turkey.

 

[8868]

 

[looneytan]

The civil engineer finally speaks, "God must have been a civil engineer, who else would have run a water and sewer system right through the middle of a recreation area?"

actually that were under mechanical engineers' jurisdiction

 

[yinyang]

8868, good stuff. Liked the urinals 1, nun and oooh la la latin titties:p Spread the goodwill to my cronies, they had a gas!