I Cut! I Cut!

[sirus]

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.

'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!


'Ok, I watched a DVD at my mates!'
'What DVD?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!


'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!


Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps the mum!

 

[sirus]

Generous wife

Since the wife was eight months into her Pregnancy, the husband had to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might
happen pretty easily, for he had been desperate for quite a while.


Just before lying down on the bed, the wife glances at him and sees
the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty
air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the
cabinet, takes out 500 bucks, and gives it to him. "Here, take this
and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her
tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't
think about it again" she said.


The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may
change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, and hands the money back to his wife
and says with much disappointment: ''She said this is not enough. She
wants one thousand.....''


The wife's face slowly turns red with anger.

"Damn that bitch.. when she was pregnant and her husband
came over here...I charged him only five hundred..."

The guy collapsed!!!

Think TWICE when your wife is over Generous

 

[groinroot]

Little Johny was playing in his parents bedroom when he heard a car pull
up. Not wanting to be caught he hid in his parents cupboard. His
mother came in with her boyfriend and while they were getting down to
what boyfriends and girlfriends do they heard another car pull up. The
mother said "Quick it is my husband, hide in the cupboard." so the
boyfriend joined Johnie in the cupboard. After a little time Johnie
said "Sure is dark in here. " The boyfriend replied "Quiet or they will
hear you." a little while later Johnie said "I have decided to stop
playing cricket and I think That you should buy my bat and ball for
$20." The boyfriend said "O.K just keep quiet'" Johnie then said "I
won't need my wicket and pads and you should buy them for $10." The
boyfriend agreed.
The next day Johny was counting his money in his bedroom when his mother
walked in. "Where did you get that money from?" she asked. Johnie
replied that he couldn't tell her, so she said "In that case you can
tell Father Murphy." So she took him down to the church and sent him
into the confessional.
The priest opened his window and waited, after a little while, Johnie
said "Sure is dark in here." The priest replied "You're not starting
that shit again are you?

 

[Windsor]

Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"

Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

 

[HedgeTrader]

Re: Nelson Mandela

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

 

[HedgeTrader]

Re: Nelson Mandela

Two stock brokers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the two stock brokers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the stock brokers jams something into the other stockbroker's hand. Without looking down, the second stockbroker whispers: "What is this?" The first stockbroker : "It's the $100 I owe you!"

 

[Windsor]

Confucius Says:

Confucius say:

"Girl who make love in tomb may soon become mummy."

"Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn."

"Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time."

"State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun."

"He who plays with self, pulls boner."

"Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole."

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl."

"Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman has more."

"Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father."

"Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth."

"Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep sh*t."

"Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner."

 

[Windsor]

Small Penis

Friedman gets a new job, so he has to take a physical.
The doctor finishes the exam and says, "Jesus, Mr. Friedman, you've got the smallest penis I've ever seen. Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?"

Friedman says, "No. I've got a great wife, two kids, and a normal sex life. I guess the only problem I have is finding it when I have to take a piss."
The doctor says, "You have a problem finding it to urinate? Then how the hell do you have a normal sex life?"

Friedman says, "Because when we want to f**k, there's two of us looking for it."

 

[Windsor]

Re: Small Penis

Hanson starts a new job, and the boss tells him, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
Hanson says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture. The girl is hideous. A real show-stopper.
The boss says, "She's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
Hanson says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
Hanson accepts, figuring he can put a bag on her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and is hanging it on the wall.
He climbs the ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
Hanson says, "And get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
Hanson starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb, and yells, "F**k!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

 

[Windsor]

Why America Invaded Iraq!

We SHELL not EXXONerate Saddam Hussein for his

actions. We will MOBILize to meet this threat to

our vital interests in the Persian GULF until an

AMOCOble solution is reached. Our best strategy

is to BPrepared. Failing that, we ARCOming to

kick your arse..."

 

[Windsor]

Re: Why America Invaded Iraq!

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

 

[Windsor]

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when
the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese
was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled,
"What kind of -ese are you...Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!?"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked "What kind
of -kee" was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what
kind of -kee am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or
monkee?"