I Cut! I Cut!

[Windsor]

Re: Ypu Got Mail

Real Life Doll

This guy is really into blow up dolls and calls his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.

The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina'. She's expensive but so realistic you can't tell the difference!"

The guy orders one.

Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up.

Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.

Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.

A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."

Supplier, "That's great!"

Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."

Supplier, "Realistic then?"

Guy, "yeh its so realistic... I got syphilis"

 

[FuzzyDude]

Re: Ypu Got Mail

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to ...him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

 

[FuzzyDude]

Re: Ypu Got Mail

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing
in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had whil e
getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have agood time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you 've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning. Today you voted."

 

[Windsor]

Re: Oops

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them.

As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

 

[red amoeba]

A manager is interviewing a prospective employee

Manager - say, Mrs Tan, how many children you have
Mrs Tan - 4
Manager - and what are their names?
Mrs Tan - Ah Seng, Ah Seng, Ah Seng, Ah Seng
Manager - what? Then how you call them when, say, for dinner time?
Mrs Tan - I called Ah Seng, and all will come around
Manager - And, if you want to call, say a specific boy?
Mrs Tan - Oh, then I called the surname.

 

[BuiKia]

What's the difference between your Sinkie wife and your Sinkie job?

After five years your job will still suck.

=========================================

What do hurricanes and women have in common?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

==========================================

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

==================================

Programming is like sex:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

==============================================

Why is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

===========================================

What is a Sinkie man's idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

======================================

How can you tell if your Sinkie wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

=====================================

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.

 

[middaydog]

Suspicious Wife

Wife was sure that her husband was having sex with the maid so she laid a trap.
One evening she sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave old story.
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching" and went to bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.

He came in silently and wasted no time on words but quickly started having sex. When he finished,
Wife said, you didn't expect me in this bed, did you? and switched on the light.........


"No Madam" said the Watchman.

 

[red amoeba]

do you know this tragic story:

a ghost farted, and died.

 

[red amoeba]

Re: Exactly

one day, a matchstick went walking...becos he hasn't showered for a few days, his head itch. So he began scratching his head and boom..it caught fire...

desperate he went to the hospital and have it bandaged...thats how cotton stick came about...

 

[cowbellc]

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey._

_The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"_

_The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."_

_The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey._

_The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"_

_The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."_

_The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey._

_Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"_

_The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."_

 

[cowbellc]

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink._

_He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."_

_The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."_

 

[cowbellc]

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink._

_He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."_

_The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."_

 

[cowbellc]

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." _

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." _

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

 

[red amoeba]

Re: Take It Up The A*se

Ah beng came back to find his wife ah lian naked on bed, panting...

feeling scared he ran to her asking her what happened. Ah lian said she is having heart attack...

Ah beng want to call 995, and then saw his son, face white white ...like he had seen a ghost.

His son pointed to his wardrobe. Ah beng opened, and found his friend - Ah seng inside, also naked.

He sibeh angry:

KNNCCB, my wife having heart attack, you din help and still hide in the cupboard want to scare my son ?

 

[groinroot]

Re: Take It Up The A*se

Mr Suzuki was a junior executive in a factory in Nagoya, Japan. He is a hardworking chap and his boss Tanaka had promised him a promotion to a senior position if he continued to work hard. One afternoon he was tired and wanted to sneak home for a short nap. He told his assistant to hold the fort while he was out. However, he rushed into to the factory a short while later and, panting, explained to his assistant, "When I reached home Tanaka and my wife were hugging in bed. I was lucky Tanaka did not see me. I made a quick exit."

 

[red amoeba]

Re: Penis Head

overheard at a mental asylum:

Man A: here, have a look at my latest blockbuster novel...tell me what you think.
Man B: (flipping and reading...), not bad not bad, but your novel got alot of characters....

Nurse come along: KNNCCB, can you please put back the phone directory at its proper place?

 

[red amoeba]

Re: Holy Orgasm

a secretary seeing her boss looking sibeh stress, asks:

"Hey boss, why u look so stressed?"
"You see, i received a threatening letter today. This guy threatened to kill me unless I leave his wife alone"
"Oh, then why dun you leave his wife"
"yeah, i want to ...if I know who this anonymous writer is"

 

[erection2015]

3 guys went hunting in Africa but went too far off the beaten track and were captured by some tribe.
They were each tied to a stake, then after a couple of days the chief selected the first guy.

Chief : You came into our land without permission. You deserve punishment. You want death or you want chiufu ?

1st guy : I dont wanna die so i take chiufu.

He is released and then many of the tribesmen ram his ass until he is half dead.

Chief : You have been punished so you can go now. Dont ever return.

Now the second guy faces the chief.

Chief : You saw what happened? So you want death or chiufu ?

2nd guy : I dont wanna die so i take chiufu.

He is released and even more tribesmen ram his ass because he is bigger and stronger and can take more ramming.He too is rammed half dead.

Chief : You can go now. Dont ever return.

The final guy's turn is next and he is a real big muscular specimen.

Chief : So how about you?

3rd guy : No way!No way! i got my dignity so i prefer death.

Chief : Very good. Honourable man. Sentenced to death. Death by chiufu. :( :(

 

[apogee]

This is a great thread. So I am bumping it to keep it alive

 

[erection2015]

The ventriloquist said '' And now for some blonde jokes ''

Suddenly this stunning blonde chick stood up and yelled

'' I object to this ....you guys always stereotype us and make us look stupid. Your jokes are sexist, demeaning and debase us blondes.

And there is not even a modicum of truth that us blondes are any more dumb than non blondes.

I object to your offensive and distasteful jokes about us and i demand that you apologise immediately to all of us ''

Taken aback the ventriloquist said '' Ah certainly ma'am I apologise but ....

The blonde interrupted '' I'm not talking to you so you butt out of this sir

I'm talking to that small idiot sitting on your lap ''