I Cut! I Cut!

[Windsor]

Re: Wahing Balls

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother f***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

......... and, they lived happily ever after.

 

[Windsor]

Re: 2nd Hand

\A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later, after knocking back a fair few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and loudly asks him:
'So ... How do you like using second hand stuff?'
The new husband casually replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches it's all brand new.'

 

[Windsor]

Re: Policedog

One hot sweltering day, Ah Beng came with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

Ah Beng said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

Ah Beng replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the Ah Beng. "That dog don't need bread. She is not hungry because I fed her this morning."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

Ah Beng looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

 

[Windsor]

Mother: "Cherry, you're divorcing Alan,? You're divorcing Alan??? Are you going out of your mind?!!"

Daughter: "But mama, all he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of an one 50 cents coin when it used to be the size of a tiny 10 cents coin!!"

Mother: "Cherry", the mother says, "you are married to a famous multi-millionaire businessman from Hong Kong, you live in an 25,000 square ft, 14 bedroom, 7 bathroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari F430 Spider, you get $10,000 a week spending money, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for just 40 cents?"

 

[apogee]

Great jokes guys. Keep them coming

 

[Windsor]

Re: Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated

from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly

pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.
"A r e -- m y -- t e s t -- r e s u l t s -- back "

(\__/)
( =-.-)
C(")(")

 

[Windsor]

Re: Are My Testicles Black?

Survey

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about
"Oral Sex":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

(\__/)
( =-.-)
C(")(")

 

[Windsor]

Re: Exactly

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any s*x for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese s*x therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf s*x or dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your bum."

(\__/)
( =-.-)
C(")(")

 

[Windsor]

Re: Exactly

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ar*e!"

(\__/)
( =-.-)
C(")(")

 

[Windsor]

Re: A Play On Words

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done

(\__/)
( =-.-)
C(")(")

 

[Windsor]

Re: Take It Up The A*se

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the arse!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or arse?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her
Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."




(\__/)
( =-.-)
C(")(")

 

[exobay]

Re: Take It Up The A*se

Simply wonderful thread and enjoyed reading the jokes. Keep it up. Up you for the effort.

 

[Windsor]

Re: Take It Up The A*se

Simply wonderful thread and enjoyed reading the jokes. Keep it up. Up you for the effort.

Tthanks bro...

There are 4 types of women

Asthmatic – ah…ah..ahh
Obedient – yes, oh yes…ah yes,
Greedy – more. . more. . . please
Religious – oh god. .oh. .oh my god … oh my God!!!

(\__/)
( =-.-)
C(")(")

 

[Windsor]

Re: Take It Up The A*se

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!!!"

(\__/)
( =-.-)
C(")(")

 

[Windsor]

Re: Smelly Prawns

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down a woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love," He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years after the police smell your fingers."

 

[Windsor]

Re: Penis Head

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study as well. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

[Windsor]

Re: Holy Orgasm

A little girl asks her mother, "Why don't you prey the same way I do". The mother is confused and asks for clarification. "Well", says the girl, "I pray kneeling with my hands together but I saw you on your back rubbing your front bottom praying 'God, Jesus, Jesus, God, yes, give me just one more'.

 

[wuqi256]

Re: Holy Orgasm

Mommys Balloons:

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

 

[wuqi256]

Another one:

Plugging in:

A man came home one fine day to find a naked man on top of his wife with his head and face beween her breasts. He grabbed his 12 guage and asked him what he was doing there.

"Listening to music" came the muffled reply.
"Music, i ain't no hearing no music!" The man yelled.

After a long pause, the muffled voice again replied,
"Thats because you ain't plugged in"

 

[wuqi256]

Bigger tits:

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.