I Cut! I Cut!

[red amoeba]

it was during one of the science lessons.

Teacher was addressing the class: How can electricity improve our lives?

ah beng: got electricity, means i can switch on lights the whole night n watch TV...

teacher: anything else

ah lian: yah..without electricity, i need to light candle watch tv liao...

 

[red amoeba]

one day...Minister of Education decide to visit RI...

When he came to the science lab, he discovered a spinning globe on the table....and he ask the class monitor who was showing around:

"Say, why is it that the globe is slanted 23.5 degrees?"

class monitor: err..not my fault, i din break it.

So happen, assistant class monitor walked into the class, and the Minister of Education directed the question to him:

"I am sure you know what happened. Pls explain"

Asst Class Monitor: Sir, u saw i just came in the class right? Not my fault.

The Minister feeling puzzled, asked the Science teacher.

The Science teacher, a FT from I***a, said apologetically - I am sorry sir, its like that when we took it out of the packaging.

And all this while, the principal who accompanied the entourage, felt he need to say something to salvage the situation, stepped up.

"I am truly sorry sir. Due to overrun of budget, we had purchased this globe from a 2nd hand store n not through the official retailer"

 

[SIFU]

red amoeba,

pls have some qc.

windsor jokes are good. yours lame.

 

[red amoeba]

red amoeba,

pls have some qc.

windsor jokes are good. yours lame.

==

sorry...made in china...

 

[Windsor]

red amoeba,

pls have some qc.


windsor jokes are good. yours lame.

Thank you very much sir for the compliment. But must give credit to these guys who also contribute to give laughs to others. Sometimes some not so funny but something better than than nothing. Now I have to up you for that :(

 

[Windsor]

==

sorry...made in china...

Hey that is a good comeback and funnier than the joke.

 

[Windsor]

A Special Prayer

Special Prayer

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers -- which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence, but a few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which ended like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side! He made sure he listened to her prayers every night.

Sure enough, several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it -- I've just spent the worst day of my life."

"You think you had a bad day?" she replied. "You'll never believe what happened to me: This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

[red amoeba]

lessons in MBA -

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

morale of story : neber assume ur boss noes every thing

 

[groinroot]

Richard came home one night exhausted and immediately went to sleep. His wife also fell asleep. Moments later she had a dream of her lover romancing her passionately. Then in her dream, she saw Richard entering the room. Alarmed, she screamed, "My husband, my husband. He is here." Richard woke up and instinctively dived under the bed.

 

[Windsor]

The Daily Gazette hired a recent graduate of the journalism college to write human-interest articles for the newspaper.
He decided to go into the West Virginia Mountains to do his research.

He found an old farmer's house along an isolated road and introduced himself to the man. He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy ?"

The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbour's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it a little and took it back home."

"I can't print that, " the young reporter exclaimed.
"Can you think of anything else that made you happy?"

"Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost, so we formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her real good, we
took her home."

"Hell, I can't print that either," cried the frustrated reporter.
"Has anything ever happened that made you SAD?"

The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.

Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."

 

[Windsor]

English Is Confusing

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

12. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

13. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

14. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

15. They were too close to the door to close it.

16. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

17. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

18. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

19. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

20. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

21. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
__________________
Your Karma Ran Over My Dogma

 

[Windsor]

We Cut

On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to
spend his last night having wild sex with a Chinese
prostitute in Hong Kong.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a
very weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after
hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities,
told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure
was complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second
opinion.

Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green
growth.

Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is
correct. We must amputate right away.'

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he
visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the
time.

He went to Doctor Chu Wong.

Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong
Dong, but said, 'These Western doctors - so quick to
Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not necessary'

Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three
weeks and it fall off on its own.'

 

[Windsor]

Tough Lion

A Lion pounces on all the animals in the forest. He grabs a monkey and roar at him: "Monkey, who the toughest motherfucker of all the animals here?"

the monkey shaking and immediately answers: "You are, big lion".

Lion releases the Monkey, turn around and see Antelope, grabbing her neck and roar: "Antilope, who the toughest motherfucker of all the animals here?"

The antelope sweating, mumbles: "You are, big lion".
Lion releases the Amtelope, keep going and finds an Elephant.

He raises his head, walking to him and roar: "Hey Elephant,
who the toughest motherfucker of all the animals here?"

The Elephant raises his trunk and gives the Lion a slap, knock him to the ground, steps on his head, wraps his trunk around the Lion head, picks it up in the air and starts hitting him repeatedly on a tree.

In the end, the elephant throws the lion into a thicket of thorns and turns to go.

With his remaining strength, the Lion said to the Elephant: "The fact you don't know the answer doesn't mean you should freak out!"

 

[Spock]

one day...Minister of Education decide to visit RI...

When he came to the science lab, he discovered a spinning globe on the table....and he ask the class monitor who was showing around:

"Say, why is it that the globe is slanted 23.5 degrees?"

class monitor: err..not my fault, i din break it.

So happen, assistant class monitor walked into the class, and the Minister of Education directed the question to him:

"I am sure you know what happened. Pls explain"

Asst Class Monitor: Sir, u saw i just came in the class right? Not my fault.

The Minister feeling puzzled, asked the Science teacher.

The Science teacher, a FT from I***a, said apologetically - I am sorry sir, its like that when we took it out of the packaging.

And all this while, the principal who accompanied the entourage, felt he need to say something to salvage the situation, stepped up.

"I am truly sorry sir. Due to overrun of budget, we had purchased this globe from a 2nd hand store n not through the official retailer"

Help you make this a little more amusing:

The Minister then exclaimed, "I have another one just like this at home, we must have bought them from the same store."

 

[Windsor]

UN Survey

Last month a world-wide survey
was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to
the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern
Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western
Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3 In Africa they
didn't know what "food" meant.

4.. In China they didn't know
what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know
what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know
what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the
rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as
they heard the Indian accent.

 

[Windsor]

Re: UN Survey

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

[Windsor]

Re: UN Survey

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening.

All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.

The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

 

[Windsor]

Little Johnny

Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would.

Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch.

This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.

I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.

This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

 

[Windsor]

Re: Playing Duck

By scalabari at 2011-07-14

 

[Windsor]

Re: Wahing Balls

By