I Cut! I Cut!

[zeddy]

Lawyer Joke
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[Windsor]

Training Children To Use A Rifle

For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his Military Headquarters.

Female Interviewer: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

General Cosgrove: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

Female Interviewer: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

General Cosgrove: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

Female Interviewer: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

General Cosgrove: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

Female Interviewer: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

General Cosgrove: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

 

[Windsor]

U.S. Marines Joke about a redneck writing home:


Dear Maw and Paw,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

 

[sirus]

HOW TO START A FIGHT:

The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...

______________________________

The Unreasonable Wife
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Humour-less Wife
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Mis-informed Wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Dangeorus Wife
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
And that's when the fight started
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

The Lazy Wife
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...


The well rounded Wife
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Soft Husband

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

The Masochistic Husband

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...

 

[Windsor]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

 

[Windsor]

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife

Because there is always a better model in the neighborhood.

 

[Windsor]

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. Has Mr . In it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want
To be inside women!

 

[CannonFairy]

Lovely jokes. Thanks!

 

[mei mei]

Good laughs, well done. Bros.

 

[KNNBCCB]

Wife : How have you managed to get home so early today?
Husband : My boss lost temper with me and shouted "Go to hell". So I came home.

A black guy and a white girl met at a nightclub. She took him to her apartment and said: "tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!" so he ran off with the TV and VCD..

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!"

Man to wife on wedding night
"Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?'
"Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'

70 yr old man asks his wife "do u feel sad when u see me running behind young girls?"
Wife replied "No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it."

A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date. Her mother warned her…
."1st he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy;
Then he wants to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name.
Next day girl told Mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family."

A white couple had a black baby….
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: U hot, I hot, baby burnt..!

Wife: "Honey, what are you looking for?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing?
You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?"
Husband:" I was looking for the expiry date!"

Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago,
you should be thankful that you are not barking!!!

 

[FuzzyDude]

An Arab diplomat visiting the USA for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return... with a glass of water.

But, then came the time when he returned empty-handed...

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, ..."An infidel is sitting on the well"

 

[FuzzyDude]

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husband's legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass

 

[Windsor]

An Arab diplomat visiting the USA for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return... with a glass of water.

But, then came the time when he returned empty-handed...

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, ..."An infidel is sitting on the well"

That is a good one bro

 

[middaydog]

A black guy and a white girl met at a nightclub. She took him to her apartment and said: "tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!" so he ran off with the TV and VCD..

he tied her first or not

 

[Forvendet]

he tied her first or not

Have you gone for a haircut?

 

[Windsor]

 

[Lestat]

Hahaha! Keep the jokes flowing!

 

[FuzzyDude]

Joke Time !!!



A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out. ...

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!"
she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"

he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

 

[Windsor]

Just received in my email :

Subject: Fw: eBay Scam -watchout!

eBay Scam

Be careful what you purchase on eBay

My friend spent $49.99 on a penis enlarger.

they sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in sunlight.

 

[Windsor]

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