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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
[video=youtube_share;NaxW3-E26L8]http://youtu.be/NaxW3-E26L8[/video]
[video=youtube_share;gc106kMHTEw]http://youtu.be/gc106kMHTEw[/video]
[video=youtube_share;su4aMRctADs]http://youtu.be/su4aMRctADs[/video]
Puns for educated minds?! :p
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope,it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope,it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Good puns indeed bro Yinyang.
Thanks.
Thanks.
A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room 1 can get."
So I was going down on my girlfriend,
... and halfway through I said. "Your vagina is so big! Your vagina is so big!"
"OK? but why did you say that twice?" she replied.
"I didn't!"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room 1 can get."
So I was going down on my girlfriend,
... and halfway through I said. "Your vagina is so big! Your vagina is so big!"
"OK? but why did you say that twice?" she replied.
"I didn't!"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
Phone Sex
A blonde was admitted into hospital for having phone sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 1 Samsung, 2 Motorolas, but no Siemens were found.
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel.
It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English
.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport.
The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.
Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.
The manager will await you in the entrance hall.
He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome.
We of course are always pleased to accept adultery.
Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.
Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others.
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar.
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting.
At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts.
In winter, every room is on heat.
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!
You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
.
Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition.
If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid.
Please take advantage of her.
She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear.
If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
.
Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.
You will struggle to forget it.
A blonde was admitted into hospital for having phone sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 1 Samsung, 2 Motorolas, but no Siemens were found.
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel.
It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English
.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport.
The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.
Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water.
You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.
The manager will await you in the entrance hall.
He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome.
We of course are always pleased to accept adultery.
Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.
Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others.
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar.
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting.
At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts.
In winter, every room is on heat.
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity!
You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
.
Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition.
If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid.
Please take advantage of her.
She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear.
If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
.
Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope.
You will struggle to forget it.
A Man’s Life
Perhaps the most profound observation that I have heard in recent times:
"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free ......
It's women who make it hard."
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
What is your name?
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say Sam Ting."
Perhaps the most profound observation that I have heard in recent times:
"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free ......
It's women who make it hard."
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
What is your name?
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say Sam Ting."
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Words of wisdom??:p
****When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu
*****America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman
*****I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes
*****After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb
*****Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind
*****The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr
*****I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips.
*****Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford
*****The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan
*****Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall
*****Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand.
*****Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden
*****In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz
*****If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson
*****Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin
*****Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante
*****As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn
*****If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven Wright
*****America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell
*****The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts
*****If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport ~ Jonathan Winters
*****I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley
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HAPPY ENDING MASSAGE
For a better uncensored version this is the link (must sign in)........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdWYXwjJhAU
Happy (ending) viewing
For a better uncensored version this is the link (must sign in)........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdWYXwjJhAU
Happy (ending) viewing
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."
There was a brief pause, and then the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"
*******
Taking his seat in chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "I have been presented by both of you with a bribe" the judge began. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, Attorney Leoni, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached in his pocket a pulled out a check, which he handed to Leoni.
"Now, then, I'm returning $5,000, and we are going to decide this case solely on its merits."
*******
"How is it that you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge asked the prisoner.
"Well, yer honor, it's like this. As soon as those lawyers found out I didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do with me."
"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."
There was a brief pause, and then the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"
*******
Taking his seat in chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "I have been presented by both of you with a bribe" the judge began. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, Attorney Leoni, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached in his pocket a pulled out a check, which he handed to Leoni.
"Now, then, I'm returning $5,000, and we are going to decide this case solely on its merits."
*******
"How is it that you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge asked the prisoner.
"Well, yer honor, it's like this. As soon as those lawyers found out I didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do with me."
The Last Kiss?
Back on July 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois, bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Back on July 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois, bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
First Time Ever
It was my first time ever,
And I'll never forget.
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
We were all alone:
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were brown,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best,
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it,
I felt no shame;
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished,
It's all over now.
My first time ever
<
<
<
<
At milking a cow...
It was my first time ever,
And I'll never forget.
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
We were all alone:
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were brown,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best,
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it,
I felt no shame;
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished,
It's all over now.
My first time ever
<
<
<
<
At milking a cow...
MEN ENTERING HEAVEN
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,"I want the married men to make two lines - one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line for men who truly were heads of their household there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been dis-obedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Your Time Is Not Up Yet!
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
Garden of Eden
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "I will give you a companion and it will be a woman." He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will not nag," God continued, "and will always be the first to admit she was wrong. When you've had a disagreement, she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg!"
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
AND THE REST IS HISTORY.
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,"I want the married men to make two lines - one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line for men who truly were heads of their household there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been dis-obedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Your Time Is Not Up Yet!
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
Garden of Eden
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "I will give you a companion and it will be a woman." He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will not nag," God continued, "and will always be the first to admit she was wrong. When you've had a disagreement, she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg!"
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
AND THE REST IS HISTORY.
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