Nicole Rebecca Seah
GROUND ZERO People usually write these things at the end, or the beginning of the year, but I just had to say this - I'm all of 27 years old, but can safely say that 2013 has been the worse year of my life thus far. Yes, I can already imagine the older folk rolling their eyes. Let me carry on first lah! Post-General Elections 2011, life took a sharp detour. People were more interested in what I was doing politically than professionally, which was annoying because I was doing pretty well at work. There were expectations to be as active as an elected MP. All eyes were on you. You either impressed them to the sky or got brushed off as a load of hogwash. It derailed me from my larger purpose. I started taking on opportunities with the thought in my head "Would this help me get elected in 2016?" Needless to say, when you start thinking about your life in 5 year blocks, you start to get equally myopic about the way you do things. And you start walking in the wilderness, with no larger goal in mind. I carried on with my nose to the grind, feeling exhausted every day just going to work, going for house visits, walkabouts, feeling like I was reading off a script every time I met a new resident because my brain was so dead I was on auto-pilot. I felt even more helpless every single time I met a needy person, knowing that other than referring them to CDC or a private charity, it was completely limiting because there are just only so many hours in a day to really help or invest in someone, especially when you're holding down a day job with no support or mentors.
I was naive, arm-twisted into making some pretty bad decisions (Yup, the Presidential Elections was one of them. Terrible, irreversible mistake, completely underestimated what my lobbying could do). I felt like a fraud being invited to speak at conferences everywhere. I mean, I do have an opinion on some things, but I'm not an expert on everything or anything as of yet. I felt extremely self-conscious about the need to appear or look a certain way, just so people wouldn't walk away feeling they've been cheated. I was only cheating myself. Got played out dating 2-3 men who were obviously more interested in my public profile than who I really was as a person. Feared for my family's safety because I was constantly being stalked with rape threats, death threats, people knowing my exact address. I was on the verge of snapping. That was when my meltdown began. Was working in a great agency with some really fantastic, hilarious, brilliant people. I couldn't live up to expectations. Was a cultural misfit. Self-esteem took a dive, professionally lost, complete lack of confidence. Affected my work. I was working through Christmas, New Year, churning 6am all-nighters because there just weren't enough hours in a day and I was burning out from all ends. Then came Feb 2013 - The day I found out grandma was diagnosed with third stage stomach cancer. Something in me snapped and I had a physical panic attack. I still remember standing at the first floor of my office, leaning against the wall, body shaking, suddenly unable to breathe or walk. Blacked out on the spot. I went on 2 months of medical leave, never to return to the agency. Contracted dengue. Sat on a chair in Changi General Hospital, extremely weak, on drip and unable to move for 10 hours because they didn't have a bed for me to lie on. Another offer came along to work with companies in India. The boss promised me I would make it big, get lots of equity, become a business woman of substance under his tutelage. That didn't work out as well. In fact, I got fired right after I came back from London. With no one-month compensation as stated in my contract. Singapore, what employment rights? The icing on the cake was a carefully-timed string of nasty emails that followed. My health took another dive. I was hospitalised for 18 days this time, and spent most of my birthday lying in bed alone. No income for another 1.5 months. Practically subsisted on crackers and water because I was too weak to eat anything else. -- Yeah, it all sucked and I was moping for a bit, but so what? I'm grateful, because I learnt a couple of lessons along the way. 1) Life is 50-50. You can't control most of it, but you can control how you respond to it, and whether you want to make things work. 2) Learn to let go. Many things are like sand. If you hang on too tight, you end up losing all of it. 3) Love unconditionally. It's the hardest skill to master but it sets you free when you don't expect anything, or don't receive anything from the other person. 4) Love yourself, but also pick your battles. And only pick the larger ones. If someone treats you with anything less than an ounce of dignity or respect, have the balls to either give it to them, or turn the other cheek and walk away. 5) Be true to yourself and what you like. So what if digital planning or ad optimization isn't cool? I love interpreting stories from hard data. Don't fall into a mould of what other people expect you to be. 6) Traveling out of a suitcase for months and being in hospital made me realise I don't need many material things. I'm selling off 90% of my clothes and shoes to make a bit of income, and going to subsist on 10 outfits for work. That's all I need. Stop shopping. Stop reading fashion magazines. They make you want to buy things you don't need, or feel like you have to dress in a certain way to look good. 7) Stop taking shortcuts, you only shortchange yourself. The interwebz has made us attention-deficient. We hanker after lists like "7 ways to improve your love life", "5 ways to get a promotion". We think Ted talks are life-changing. But at the end of the day, THERE IS NO SHORTCUT. Read as much as you can, fiction and non-fiction. By read, I mean physical books that you actually hold. Synthesise knowledge on your own. Make your own insights. The biggest challenge here is to be your own thought leader. Don't parrot what other people say. Your brain is yours to keep. 9) Remember what you used to love as a child, before the world changed you. Go back to that. For me, it was archaeology, a little homemade science lab, books, theatre, my violin, Aztec, Mayan, Egyptian ancient civilisations, sitting at a makeshift table reading off the Straits Times and pretending I was a newscaster. Find the joy in those memories and never lose them. 10) When you have a larger purpose in mind, remember that the road to achieving it is a marathon for life. Don't ever lose sight of it, but don't expect success to come to you as quickly as you want it to. In fact, let go and embrace the fact that success may never even come to you, no matter how hard you try. But at least you did. The fear of failure is a social construct. My mom is going to kill me when she finds out I told the interwebz I was fired from my last job. But you only learn through failure. Lastly, whenever you're down and out, remember that the biggest blessing from here on is this - The only way now is to go up.
