54 dates in 8 months: How this 32-year-old single woman tackled her search for love and romance
Writer-producer Shermin Toh went on an eight-month journey spanning 54 dates to find the man of her dreams and produced a CNA documentary, Shermin’s March, about it. She writes about why she decided to become the subject of her own documentary and what she learnt from this social experiment.
Writer-producer Shermin Toh embarked on a social experiment to document her exploits in finding love and romance in Shermin’s March, which airs on Oct 14. (Photo: Protagonist by M)
Shermin Toh
14 Oct 2023 08:35AMBookmark
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By Singapore standards, I was a slightly above-average student, from my PSLE to O Levels, A Levels, and finally, my second-class honours degree.
On the non-academic side of things, I was equally average: Athletics team in primary school, basketball school team in my all-girls secondary school and then treasurer of my junior college’s Photographic Society.
As a working adult, I was doing… averagely fine. As a writer-producer at production house Protagonist by M, I was crafting characters, weaving story arcs and writing scripts based on the ethers of my imagination.
The writer did averagely well in school but had scant knowledge about boy-girl relationships – and never got further than the third date with the men she met. (Photo: Protagonist by M)
But dating and romantic relationships. Well. That is a different story.
“Why did you upload such an ugly photo of yourself?” So when my matches meet me in real life, they will think that I look better. Reverse psychology, duh.
“Why aren’t you on the dating apps from November to February?” Have you heard of cuffing season? I don’t want someone to date me just cause they need someone to be with them on important festive dates.
“U awake? Do u want to come down to my hostel?” Dude, it’s midnight. Why would I come down to your dorm? I want to sleep.
UNPREPARED FOR LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS
The Singapore education system prepared me adequately for academic excellence and the rigours of work. But it had not taught me how to interact with the opposite gender. I had scant knowledge of boy-girl relationships, of how exactly I should behave with a romantic interest.
So I went to the next best source of reference: Korean idol dramas, Japanese anime and Hollywood rom-coms.
From the ages of 24-30, I was on dating apps. I was on Tinder when it was but a wee flame. I was on Coffee Meets Bagel when it was filled with supposed doctors, lawyers and entrepreneurs. I was on Bumble and tried witty pick-up lines from my own creative vault (but of course, I failed very horribly).
Most of my dates stopped after the decisive three-dates count. The guys I met always gave me the same feedback: You are a great conversationalist over text, but there is no spark in real life.
Stuck in an endless cycle of anticipation and rejection, I found myself dreading the whole process of meeting new people, sharing the same information about myself for the 37,267th time and then feeling disappointed when they stopped replying to my texts.
SHERMIN’S SOCIAL EXPERIMENT
At the grand old age of 30, as I stood on the brink of being labelled an evergreen “leftover lady”, I decided to reflect on my experiences with love and dating.
Why is love always seen as something that is organic and natural? Is love always dictated by fate and destiny? Are my unsuccessful attempts at finding the one an indicator of how unlikable I am as a girlfriend, as a romantic partner, and as a person? Am I so unlikeable as a girlfriend?
For six years in her twenties, Toh was on a slew of dating apps, from Tinder to Coffee Meets Bagel and Bumble. (Photo: Protagonist by M)
Then, an epiphany.
When it came to my subjects in school, I had learnt from textbooks and teachers, I had consulted tutors and lecturers, I had glanced through my course syllabus to understand what would be tested in the final exam… why couldn’t I do the same for love?
What if, just what if, there is a formula to love? What if there is a way to hack the process of dating and romance by simply, well, treating it as a course of study – and documenting it as a two-episode show?
“Are you ready for the emotional ups and downs of this journey?” asked Vinesa, my colleague.
I wasn’t, but I pitched the show to CNA anyway.
It was decided that, for practical and ethical reasons, I would be the subject of the social experiment. We would name the documentary Shermin’s March.
It was also decided that the experiment would be given an eight-month-long runway so that it had at least a chance of succeeding. My executive producer, Jeevan Nathan, initially wanted to set a ticking clock – that I walk down the aisle after eight months. Luckily for me, that was deemed unnecessary.
But once the exhilarating tizzy of producing a series so close to my heart had settled, I was made to think about the reason for my participation in this social experiment. Cassandra Chiu, the series’ counsellor, urged me to consider my motivations for doing the series.
The writer is the subject of her TV documentary Shermin’s March, an eight-month journey to find the man of her dreams. (Photo: Protagonist by M)
It took me a while to realise that I was conditioned to think that people who were attached, married or had children were seen as more “valuable” than singles.
There is a societal bias that single individuals have more time and resources, but fewer responsibilities than married couples, which also means that single individuals are expected to put in more effort at work and that they should have little to no financial, mental or emotional issues.
There was also the stereotype of being single, of never having a partner. Maybe these singletons were too bad-tempered, too picky. There was always a negative reason for their “single-ness”. Single-shaming is a thing, with females facing the brunt of it.
EIGHT MONTHS, 54 DATES – IN SEARCH OF THE ONE
In doing this documentary, I wanted to show that the dating process was tough for awkward individuals like me. And that there is also nothing wrong with being single – it is tough to find someone who reciprocates the romantic love and affection you have for them.
It would be eight months of anxiety and 54 dates, sometimes fun, other times painful.
One expert she consulted for Shermin’s March told her: “It’s rare to see a Chris Evans type of man dating a cleaner”, which she took as a sign to work on her physical appearance. (Photo: Protagonist by M)
Take my first date with “Beethoven”. Not only was he older than what he’d indicated on his profile, in his quest to share his experiences as a maestro, he spoke till the lights at the park came on in the evening – a good two hours. That was our first and last date.
Then there were the ghosts – men who seemed to disappear right on the day of the date.
Of course, there were also rather enjoyable dates, but the majority of these reached their conclusion after three dates. And I am thankful that these dates ended when they did, cause you know, sunk-cost fallacy and all.
In my consultation with professors and dating experts while producing Shermin’s March, I learnt that there may be a way to hack dating algorithms, and that humans are indeed visual creatures.
Many experts suggested that I lose the glasses. One of them said: “It’s rare to see a Chris Evans type of man dating a cleaner.”
At the back of my mind, I thought of the 2002 classic Maid in Manhattan, but I took the words of the expert as a sign: I should start working on my physical appearance.
In screenwriting, writers often talk about character development. Films with the best stories usually have characters with clear character development, usually for the better.
My dating story is one filled with plenty of rejections, disappointments and heartbreak. But l would like to think that this presents opportunities for character development.
Did she find the man of her dreams? Watch Shermin’s March on CNA and CNA Insider’s YouTube channel to find out. (Photo: Protagonist by M)
In this journey to find The One, my views on men, romantic relationships and happiness have shifted considerably. I began to understand the unsaid stereotypes that we have of men and women when it comes to love and romance, and also, the realities of dating.
Hollywood rom-coms and Korean idol dramas paint a highly unrealistic version of what love is. We are human beings with flaws and acne, it is exhausting to expect our dates to be as charming and romantic all the time.
More importantly, I also discovered that I have the strength and tenacity to pick myself up from bad situationships and move on. I have done what I hope my characters do: Develop positive character traits and values to deal with the lows of life. Not bad for quite an average person.
