Jokes To Share

[glockman]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says "I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's when you get your girlfriend down on all fours, mount her from behind, reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands."

"That's it?"

"Nope, then you lean over and whisper in her ear, Wow these feel just like your sister's", then try to hold on for eight seconds.

 

[Borat]

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX


Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 

[Borat]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

 

[Borat]

When I say I'm broke...


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well, I told you I was broke. But let me at least get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

 

[Borat]

9 months later


Jack decided to go fishing with his buddy, Bill. After driving a
few hours, they got caught in a bad storm and pulled into the
nearest farm. They asked the attractive lady who answered the door
if they could stay there for the night.

I realize it's terrible weather and I have the huge house, but I'm
recently widowed and afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you
stay in the house" she exclaimed.

"Don't worry", Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and
if the weather breaks we'll be gone a first light".

The lady agreed.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally
determined it was from the attorney of that attractive widow.

He dropped in on his friend, Bill, and asked, "Bill, do you remember
that good looking widow from the farm we stayed at nine months ago?"

"Yes, I do," Bill replied.

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night any pay her a
visit?"

"WEll, um, yes, Bill said, a little embarrassed about being found
out, " I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"
Bill's face turned beet red and he said ,"Yeah, look buddy, I'm
afraid I did, why do you ask?"

"Because she just died and left me everything."

 

[Borat]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

 

[Borat]

No SEX since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out!

I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

 

[Borat]

Arsenic

A lady goes into the local pharmacy.

Lady: I want to buy some Arsenic.

Druggist: I’m sorry, I can’t sell you Arsenic. Why do you want it?

Lady: I want to kill my husband.

Druggist: Heavens, why would you want to kill your husband?

Lady reaches into her purse and produces a picture of the druggists wife and her husband in bed together.

Druggist: Oh, I didn’t know you had a prescription.

 

[Borat]

Co-operation

It was half time during a youth team football match and Henry, the manager of one of the sides, calls over Lawrence, one of his 9year old players and says to him, “Do you understand what co-operation is, Lawrence? Do you know what a team is?”

“Yes,” replies Lawrence.

“Do you therefore understand,” continues Henry, “that it’s the team that counts and what matters most is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

Lawrence again replies, “yes.”

“OK,” Henry says, “so when the referee sees a foul and blows his whistle, one shouldnt swear, argue, attack him or call him a shmuck head and a putz. Nor is it good sportsmanship to call a manager a dumb ass hole. Do you agree?

Again Lawrence says, “yes.”

“Good,” says Henry, “Now go over there and explain all that to your dad.”

 

[Borat]

Old Captain

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied "Vietnam"

 

[erection2015]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time
to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, * *she opened
the door to see a grey-haired gentleman
sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are
you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you .... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run
around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never
beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you
still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and
said,
"I rang the door bell, didn't I?" *

 

[KirbyMorgan]

Bigamy is having one wife to many.
Monogamy is the same.

 

[sirus]

SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[erection2015]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him
down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a
tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

 

[Tension68]

I skimmed thru but din see this one I got.. so here goes

One day, at the Gates of Heaven, the angel who was on duty noticed a sailor approaching.
Upon checking, the angel was puzzled and asked the sailor, "Your name is Dawson, yes?"
"Yeah, that's right." answered Dawson the sailor.

"But.. your time shouldn't be up until a few more years.. what happened?", asked the Angel.

"I laughed.", said Dawson the sailor. "I just couldn't help myself."

The Angel was even more puzzled, "This must be an event that escaped what the Father had planned for you.. please explain so we may confirm our records."

So Dawyson told his tale.

He was a sailor on board a merchant's ship.
On a journey to the Polynesian islands, their ship met with a storm and only he and his skipper managed to swim ashore to an island.
But on the island were natives who practiced cannibalism. Their chief also had a sadistic, weird streak in him.

"I give you 2, one chance!" said the Chief. "I give you to sun set, to bring back 3 fruits. Same is ok, different is also ok."

"That's it?!", said the Skipper "Why that's simple."
"Maybe. Bring it back and I will tell what to do next." , added the Chief.

Both Dawson and the skipper went their separate ways, and Dawson was kind of puzzled why 3 fruits. Nevertheless, he found a small plant that grew a strange oval shaped fruit. So he plucked 3, and make it back way before sunset, or even his skipper.

"Good.", said the Chief "Now, take off your pants and bend over."
Dawson was shocked, "You mean it's not for you.. these fruits?"
"No.. stupid man.. for YOU! Bend over! If you make any sound before I finish, We eat you!"

After saying that, the Chief stuffed the 3 oval shaped fruits into Dawson's asshole. It took some effort, but as the fruits were not big, Dawson endured and made no sound.

The Chief waited abit longer.. but upon hearing no reaction, frowned..

"So you survived?", asked the Angel.
"Not quite.. ", said Dawson
"But why?", asked the Angel.
"Well.. as I was picking up my pants, the skipper returned... with 3 big coconuts...", said Dawson with a wry smile.

 

[sirus]

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but the baby doesn't look anything like my son".


The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fuckin' photo-copier".

 

[Black Swan]

Two sides to every story
TWO WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare,
"granted" me 3 minutes of lovemaking before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?

Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.
He took me out for a very romantic dinner.
We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.
Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour.
We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late. It was wonderful.


TWO MEN - meet at the pub...

So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?

A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out.
The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home.
It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f*cking candles to avoid knocking everything over.
I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish.
In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......total disaster.