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Jokes To Share
- Thread starter Windsor
- Start date
Where is My Sausage?
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them.
They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan.
Cheers! 'They downed their Drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan.
I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them.
They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan.
Cheers! 'They downed their Drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan.
I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
A Man Was Complaining
Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife" she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell a sleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again:
Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying: Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.
Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife" she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell a sleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again:
Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying: Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving
couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We
hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly
said, 'That's
once.'
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife
quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked
at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
"And we lived happily ever after".
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving
couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We
hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly
said, 'That's
once.'
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife
quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked
at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
"And we lived happily ever after".
Uniforms
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war and during one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.
They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war and during one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.
They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen.
Hot Nipples
A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."
A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said :
" Here's to spending the rest of me life --- between the legs of me
wife ! "
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
John went home and told his wife, Mary :
" I won the prize for the Best Toast of the night. "
She said : " Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast ? "
John said : " Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in the church, besides me wife. "
" Oh, that is very nice indeed, John ! " Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said :
" John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,
Mary. "
She said : " Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time,
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come. "
" Here's to spending the rest of me life --- between the legs of me
wife ! "
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
John went home and told his wife, Mary :
" I won the prize for the Best Toast of the night. "
She said : " Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast ? "
John said : " Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in the church, besides me wife. "
" Oh, that is very nice indeed, John ! " Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said :
" John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,
Mary. "
She said : " Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time,
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come. "
The wife said to me last night, If you turn the bedside lamp off I will take it up the arse. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
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Son said to Dad, I am Gay. Dad looks at his other son and said What about you? Other son said Me too Dad. Dad said Fuck me doesnt anyone in this Fucking family like Pussy. Daughter said I do.
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Son said to Dad, I am Gay. Dad looks at his other son and said What about you? Other son said Me too Dad. Dad said Fuck me doesnt anyone in this Fucking family like Pussy. Daughter said I do.
Quintuplets
A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black.
A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black.
Father Needs An Operation
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Matt sat his son down and said,
"Look son, in life if you act like a pus*y then you'll never get any pus*y"
The wife said, "Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him"
Matt said, "Sorry dear, it won't happen again"
The son said, "I see what you mean Dad"
"Look son, in life if you act like a pus*y then you'll never get any pus*y"
The wife said, "Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him"
Matt said, "Sorry dear, it won't happen again"
The son said, "I see what you mean Dad"
My girlfriend and I broke up due to religious differences...
She failed to worship me.
She failed to worship me.
Ordering In A Bar
"What would you like?" says the barman.
"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."
"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"
"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"
"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don't care."
"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."
"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"
"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."
"What would you like?" says the barman.
"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife."
"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?"
"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"
"What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.
"A boy or a girl, I don't care."
"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink."
"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"
"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."
Drip
A ninety-year-old man stopped into his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. Noticing a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got as freaky as two old folks can.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed to the doctor. After careful examination, the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, “Sure!”
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. The old man said, “Sure, why?”
“Well you’d better get over there, you’re about to come!”
A ninety-year-old man stopped into his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. Noticing a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got as freaky as two old folks can.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed to the doctor. After careful examination, the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, “Sure!”
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. The old man said, “Sure, why?”
“Well you’d better get over there, you’re about to come!”
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters ‘u-n-t?’”
Only one word leapt to mind…
“My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”
“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters ‘u-n-t?’”
Only one word leapt to mind…
“My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”
“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
One day, a little boy was pulling his wagon past a church. While the preacher was standing outside, one of the wheels fell off the wagon. “God damn!” shouted the boy. The preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put the wheel back on the wagon and went home.
The next day, the little boy went past the church with the preacher outside. Two wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put the wheels on again and goes home.
The next day, the little boy went past the church, again with the preacher outside. Three wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put all three wheels back on his wagon and goes home.
On the fourth day, the little boy passed the church. The preacher was standing outside and all four wheels fell off the wagon. The boy looked at the wagon and said, “God bless.” Suddenly, all four wheels jumped back on the wagon and the preacher said, “GOD DAMN!”
The next day, the little boy went past the church with the preacher outside. Two wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put the wheels on again and goes home.
The next day, the little boy went past the church, again with the preacher outside. Three wheels fell off and the boy shouted, “God damn!” Again the preacher said, “Son, don’t say that, say ‘God bless.’” The boy put all three wheels back on his wagon and goes home.
On the fourth day, the little boy passed the church. The preacher was standing outside and all four wheels fell off the wagon. The boy looked at the wagon and said, “God bless.” Suddenly, all four wheels jumped back on the wagon and the preacher said, “GOD DAMN!”
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."
I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
A women calls a taxi driver and realizes she has no cash.
She spreads her legs and says can I pay with this?
The driver says u got anything smaller???
I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
A women calls a taxi driver and realizes she has no cash.
She spreads her legs and says can I pay with this?
The driver says u got anything smaller???
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Open it up!
One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.
“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.”
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “Well, you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.
“I don’t,” replied the hooker, “I just thought you might like to open those beers first.”
One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.
“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.”
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “Well, you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.
“I don’t,” replied the hooker, “I just thought you might like to open those beers first.”
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