Jokes To Share

[groober2011]

The relative subject!

A professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to give an example to which his students could relate.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “He’s probably golfing with his friends.”

 

[groober2011]

Do You Take Night Courses?

---

At work, Okon and Akpos were chatting;
Okon: Akpors, I have been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have exams next week.
Akpors: Oh!
.
Okon: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Akpors: No.
Okon: He invented the telephone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.
.
The next day, the same discussion took place.
Okon: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Akpors: No
Okon: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
.
The next day, once again.
Okon: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Akpors: No
Okon: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
.
This time, Akpors got irritated and said: Do you know who Adewala Azeeze Saremekun is?
Okon: No
Akpors: He is your neighbour, screwing your wife since five months ago.
If you stop taking night courses, you would know this.

 

[crackhead]

MOM...CAN YOU BUY ME A BRA?

"Mum, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What about?"
"You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"
"Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"It will be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear......!"
"David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"

 

[crackhead]

WHO SHOT THE BEAR?

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.

He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"

The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!"

"EXACTLY" says the doctor.

 

[crackhead]

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

A Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, Mom," he asked, "why is my big brother named Mighty Storm'?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." she replied.

"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"

"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.

The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

 

[crackhead]

BIOLOGY LESSON

At a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"

A student replied: "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"

Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

 

[groober2011]

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Singapore Island Country Club. She slipped and fell.

GCT who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered- "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election?

The elderly woman laughed and replied: "You know... I fell on my butt, not on my head."

 

[Borat]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

[Borat]

"Good afternoon, ladies,"
"Good afternoon, ladies,"

"Good afternoon, ladies," said Sherlock Holmes to three women sitting on a London park bench.

"Do you know those women?" asked his faithful companion, Dr.Watson.

"No," said Holmes as the pair continued walking, "I don't know the spinster, the prostitute nor the new bride."

"Good Heavens, Holmes! If you dont know them, how can you be so sure that they are what you say?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson,' explained Holmes, glancing back. "Do you see how they are eating bananas?"

"So?"

"Well, Watson, the spinster holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to break the banana into small pieces, which she puts into her mouth."

"I see what you mean, Holmes. That's amazing! What about the prostitute?"

"She holds the banana in both hands and crams it into her mouth."

"Holmes, you've surpassed yourself! But how do you know the other woman is a new bride?"

"Simple,' said Holmes. "She holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to push her head towards the banana."

 

[BuiKia]

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

 

[erection2015]

A teenage girl was moonlighting as a prostitute, and was keeping it a secret
from her grandma who looked after her. One night, the brothel was raided and
all the scarlet women arrested. The police made them line up on the
pavement, and who should come round the corner, but
grandma.
"What are you lining up for, dear?" she asked.
"Oh, Granny, there's someone giving out free oranges."
"Oh, I love oranges," smiled grandma. "I'll line up and get some myself."
One of the police officers was making his way down the line, quizzing each
girl. On reaching grandma, he asked, "You're much older than these girls -
how do you do it?"
"Well, what those girls can do I can do better - I just pop my false teeth
out and suck them dry!"

 

[Borat]

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk off the end.” They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it.” They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, “We’ll just take a big hunk off the base of it.” They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, “Can’t we just make his legs longer?”

 

[Borat]

A guy is screwing a great looking blonde when the girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?”
He replies, “No.”
She responds, “Thank heavens for that! I don’t want to get that again… !”
A guy is screwing a great looking blonde when the girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?”

He replies, “No.”





She responds, “Thank heavens for that! I don’t want to get that again… !”

 

[Borat]

Golf Clubs

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

 

[Borat]

There are three basic rules for having good teeth:

1. Brush them twice a day.

2. See your Dentist twice a year.

3. Keep your nose out of other people’s business.

 

[Borat]

Money Isn't Everything!

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests... I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The guy says, “Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!”

 

[Borat]

Been Soup

When the waitress brought the customer the soup du jour, the man was a bit dismayed.

“Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”

“Why, it's bean soup,” she replied.

“I don't care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

 

[Borat]

Cannibal World Record

Some Guinness World Record staff were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.

“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed. “We’re going to put you all into big pots of water, cook you and eat you.”

“You can’t do that to me,” said Craig Glenday. “I’m the editor at Guinness World Records!”

“Well,” the cannibal responded, “tonight you will be editor-in-chief!”

 

[Borat]

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.

He replied, “Wife Name - Three Horse.”

“That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse.

What does it mean?”

“It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag.”

 

[Borat]

The San Diego Zoo zookeeper spotted a Chinese visitor

throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit.

“Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper.

“The sign says it’s okay,” replied the visitor.

“No, it doesn’t,” said the keeper.

“Yes, it does. It says ’Do not feed. $10 fine.’ ”