Jokes To Share

[Windsor]

Sex After 70

After examining his elderly patient, the doctor asked the man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with her the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

 

[Windsor]

Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends very late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's with the big brass gong?' one of the friends asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk slurred in response.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'How's it work?'

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He stumbled across the room, picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood in silence, looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole..it's three-fifteen in the morning!!'

 

[Windsor]

Stud Service

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door A young boy, about 9, opened the door. 'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

 

[sirus]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'



Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?




An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.

 

[erection2015]

A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked " Do yo have this? "

The girl lifted up her skirt & said, "My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"


A blonde visited her doctor again.
The Dr. said: You look more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?

Blonde: WHAT? I thought you said 3 MALES a day!!!!

 

[Windsor]

Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

 

[Windsor]

Question: What's 3 two-letter words that mean small?
Answer: "Is it in?"

 

[erection2015]

A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man.

Visibly furious, she called the air hostess.

"What's the problem, ma?" the hostess asked her

"Can't you see?" the lady said - "I was given a seat next to a black man. I can't seat here next to him. You have to change my seat"

- "Please, calm down, ma" - said the hostess
"Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I'm still going to check if we have any."

The hostess left and returned some minutes later.

"Madam, as I told you, there isn't any empty seat in this class- economy class.
But I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there isn't any empty seats in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class."

And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued

"Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class.
However, given the circumstances, the commandant thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel sat next to an unpleasant person."

And turning to the black man, the hostess said:

"Which means, Sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class..."

And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene started applauding, some standing on their feet."

 

[Windsor]

A good lesson for racists. Such a wonderful captain.

 

[Windsor]

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

 

[Windsor]

Poor Finish

A furrier from the United States went to Helsinki, Finland to purchase furs. The first night in Helsinki he met a gorgeous blonde named Sanna, and before long the two were alone in his hotel room. The encounter turned physical and soon their lovemaking session was complete. After they were finished, then the man attempted to chat with Sanna -- but it wasn't going well.
He said, "I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good."
Sanna replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that hot either!"

 

[Windsor]

Sex Practice

"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic.
"Gee, Jill, don't you think you two should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother.
"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing."

 

[Windsor]

Sneaky Rabbi


A rabbi and a priest get in an accident. They both get out of their cars, call the police, and as they're looking at the damage they start up a conversation and get friendly.
The rabbi goes in his trunk and gets out a bottle of wine, opens it up, hands it to the priest, and says "Here, have a drink, my friend."
The priest takes a big swig and passes it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi says, "No, none for me. I'm going to wait for the police."

 

[Windsor]

Confession

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's bad, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the German had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind. Can I ask you another question?""Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

 

[Windsor]

Son-In-Law

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband" the daughter replied.

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What on earth are you doing?"He exclaimed.
"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband" the daughter replied.

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" She asked
He replied,
"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

[Windsor]

At The Gym

I was working out in the gym when I spotted a gorgeous young lady.

I asked the trainer who was near by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked me up and down and said .......














"Try the ATM in the lobby!"

 

[looneytan]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine,

Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies,


"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

 

[erection2015]

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...
Teacher : What kind of wife do you like Johnny?
Johnny : I want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm
like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning....

 

[Jah_rastafar_I]

wo fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"




A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The man said, "No dear." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."



What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration.



Why doesn't santa have kids? Because he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney!



There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

 

[erection2015]

There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.

The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.

He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said "Ok". They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the
road.

They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said "I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.

He said "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck."