Jokes To Share

[palden]

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.* As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.* 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

 

[palden]

Politician in Action

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.* But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.* This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

 

[palden]

New Year Jokes - One Liners

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.*
I gave up thinking.

Definition of a hangover:
Wrath of Grapes.

 

[palden]

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

 

[palden]

How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'***

 

[palden]

New Year's Eve Party - Phantom Guest?

Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.* During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.* He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. 'You know,' he confided to Trevor, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.* I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'* He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'

 

[palden]

New Year's Day Party - That Never Was?


»

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'*

 

[palden]

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.* Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

 

[palden]

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughn
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. - Author Unknown
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Billy Vaughn
The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. - W.H. Auden

 

[palden]

Husband: 2day is new year's eve & I have 2 enjoy it.
So i bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three?
Husband: 4 u & ur parents

 

[palden]

Hi everyone Happy New Year. All the best wishes and warmest regards. May all ur troubles last as long as ur Nw Yr's resolutions!

 

[palden]

Adam and God were walking in the garden one day on New Year's Day. Adam asked God, "why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God said, "Adam, so that you would love Eve." Adam, "But, why did you make her so stupid?" God, "So that she would love you."
Submitte

 

[palden]

An old couple were watching television on New Year's Eve. The wife said "I am going to get a dish of icecream". The husband said "I will get you some ice cream". "I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said. "I won't forget" he said. "But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I'll write it down" she said. "I will get you the ice cream don't you worry" he said. A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs and she said "I should have written it down because you forgot the toast"

 

[erection2015]

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging
along.


When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine
sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."


The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he
say?"


The wife yells back to him,


* "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS

 

[Windsor]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”
The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”

 

[Windsor]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 

[erection2015]

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all same!

 

[Windsor]

Matt sat his son down and said,

"Look son, in life if you act like a pus*y then you'll never get any pus*y"

The wife said, "Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him"

Matt said, "Sorry dear, it won't happen again"

The son said, "I see what you mean Dad"

 

[Windsor]

A lady says to her doctor "My husband has a bad habit of talking in his sleep, what should I do?"

The doctor replies "Give him a chance to speak when he's awake."

 

[Windsor]

A guy was desperate to have sex with a blonde from the office but she was already engaged to someone else. One day he became so frustrated by her unavailability that after a few drinks he issued a brazen proposition: "Have sex with me and I'll pay you $200."

"No way," she said. "Wha sort of girl do you think I am?"

"Listen," he persisted, "it will all be over before you know it. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up."

She began to waver - if only because $200 would help towards the wedding costs - but said she would have to consult her boyfriend first. So she called her boyfriend, told hom about the offer and asked him what he thought.

To her surprise, the boyfriend said: "It sounds like easy money. All you have to do is ask for the $200, then pick it up as fast as you possibly can. He won't even have time to get his pants down."

She agreed to it sounded foolproof and accepted the proposal.

The boyfriend then waited anxiously for her to call back when it was all over. Half an hour passed, but there was no news. Finally after three-quarters of an hour he rang her and asked: "How did it go?"

She replied tearfully: "The bastard used pennies."