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Your parents’ marriage and their level of emotional maturity have a lot more impact on how you view love, dating and relationships more than you could ever you think.
Reddit has been my safe space and my outlet - where I write my thoughts out ever since I broken up in Sept 2023. This community has been kind to me, I’m grateful.
Something that I’ve been reflecting on for the past 3 months is how I realised that my own parents’ marriage have distorted my own perception of what love and marriage truly is.
This is not easy to write, as it opens up past wounds and tribulations again, but for lessons sake - I shall. Need to break the pattern, if not the loop will keep on repeating. I hope you guys will find this useful that can help to navigate your own journey especially in dating, and choosing the right partner for you:
“Do you realise that your view on marriage is very negative? There’re couples IN happy marriages you know”. - my friend calling me out and correcting my self-limiting bullshit.
Growing up, I watched my parents fought over what I thought was about the lack of money at the age of 4, when it was more than that.
I’ve never seen them showing each other affection- not even holding hands, groping each other, or giving each other kisses, except for some occasions, during my younger days, dad would spank mom’s butt cheekily and bought her flowers. But if you’re talking about over the years? It is a very practical, pragmatic marriage with no real romance, the kind where the couple is more of a roommate than a teammate /partner. And only God knows why my dad would always walk ahead of my mother instead of waiting for her.
I thought that…. Well all marriages aren’t meant to be happy or remain blissfully in love, until when I see my own patients - their spouses - be it the husband or wife; still taking care of them by the hospital bedside, really brought tears to my eyes….happy marriages, happily ever after still exist. The respect, the dedication, the commitment, the friendship on fire between those couples…. Where love meant that you’re worth the inconvenience, the patience, and you’re worth taking up that extra space.
My mother confessed to me before: “You know, right after we sent the wedding invites, back then, I had this gut feeling that I shouldn’t go ahead with the wedding, but I didn’t dare to back out,” which unfortunately, that took a huge toll on my self esteem and I have difficulties (even until today) trusting others, and myself as well. I had many, many negative spiralling thoughts- Was I not wanted? Was I not born out of love? Was I not…. Worthy?
It was only until recently that I learnt that what my mother did, was wrong — confiding in me while I was still growing up, instead of seeking a therapist. I was seeking external validation in all the wrong places, because I felt like I wasn’t… “worthy enough” of love from even my own parents whom had difficulties in their marriage. I thought that love, meant you got to prove your worth constantly through hard work and performance. I slowly built self trust by keeping the promises that I set for myself to achieve and accomplish.
I was the child who actually encouraged my mother to file for divorce and leave my dad - he was reactive, rude to my grandparents, and he cannot control his outburst, regulating his emotions is still a foreign concept to him to this date. My only closure that gives me acceptance is that my own dad will never be able to meet me on the same emotional frequency, I grieved about it, and then, I slowly moved on.
That’s why, when the older generation said about “staying together for the kids’ sake”, I couldn’t help but to feel that it affects the kids’ perception of love and marriage even more.
I was constantly walking on eggshells whenever my dad was around when I was a child…. How could I recognise calm love when all my nervous system knew was anxiety just because it was familiar in a bad way?
I stayed in my previous 6-7 years of sexless relationship, because I thought that “love” meant endurance and tolerating, as I saw my own mother tolerating my dad’s actions and behaviour by abandoning herself. How she wasn’t confident enough in herself to leave my dad and she “would rather be in her 50-60s with him by her side, then being single, alone and lonely”.
However, whenever I look at my parents, even though, it’s been more than 3 decades of marriage, they don’t have interesting conversations that flow seamlessly, they don’t have much common interests, they don’t show genuine interest or affection in one another, they snap at each other, and they’re more concerned about the logistic side of things…. Dad doesn’t encourage my mother whenever she studies something new to upgrade her career, mom doesn’t mingle much with dad’s relatives or his own friends, mom pushed the entire financial plannings on my dad - expecting to him to “settle, since he’s the man”, both are kinda passive in ways of taking care of each other and being there for each other, both enable each other’s bad habits as well. Both cannot even articulate their own needs to each other.
I still stand firm on being happily single than dating/marrying for the sake of it - simply because I witnessed my own parents’ marriage…
I write this as a plea to each and every one of you reading this - not to settle for the sake of it, or out of fear of being alone. It’s very sad to feel lonely despite being married to someone.
And do ask yourself how were you being brought up, and whether your parents are emotionally matured as it can have an indirect effect on how you approach love, dating and relationships as well. No matter what, always treat your inner child right, no amount of external validation even from dating can satisfy that
Have a good weekend ahead, everyone
