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- Aug 20, 2022
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Post breakup reflection
I need advice!What went wrong in the relationship?
I (35F) dated a 41M for 5months and knew him through Hinge but broke up recently.
First three months was fine and I didn’t feel any suspicion as he was consistently planning dates with me like 2-3 times a week. On the fourth month, I felt something strange when he cancelled our date in the early morning (it was a Tuesday which I didn’t hear from him at all the whole of Monday) saying he had food poisoning the night before and will be well in a day or two. I found it strange because he could still go on his regular morning and evening walks but I gave the benefit of the doubt. In the next days, he scheduled for a date on the coming Sunday but he went missing from Friday night and whole of Saturday and only replied me on Sunday morning (as I followed up on Saturday if we are still meeting on Sunday) that he was synchronising his WhatsApp from iPhone to his android and didn’t sync properly and just received my messages and if I received his regular goodnight messages. That Sunday date after our movie, he was in the toilet longer than me and I checked thst he was online on WhatsApp but I brushed it off not to think too much.
However, I started noticing that he visits the toilet more frequently as compared to our dates in the initial three months and was always online in WhatsApp and can be away for 5-10’mins. On Christmas Eve, I saw a hinge notification on his phone but I pretended it was nothing.
Two days later, we met to work together in the library, between 1-5pm, he went toilet thrice and on the third time, I could sense him hiding behind the book shelves texting in WhatsApp as I could not see him but next moment he came from my back which is not the direction from the toilet and he wanted to show my something on his iPhone, as he unlocked, it was the WhatsApp chat with another girl called Lili which I saw Lili sent a picture of a chicken on the grass to him and he was in the midst of replying her. We both stayed quiet about it and moved on but I was upset the rest of the day/evening and didn’t want him to touch or have affection with me. On the walk back to his place in the evening, he suddenly slowed down to reply his WhatsApp and I could confirm as I noticed the time and his last seen. Once again he quickly use WhatsApp as I went toilet in the later part of the night which I asked him before leaving his place if he was seeing someone else, his response was “no” and came over to hug me and that’s all. I cried on the way back in the car as he sent me home but he wasn’t aware until we alighted and he did ask me what happened but I refused to say anything as I was too upset. He did not contact me after that and for the next day until the next next day early morning he texted me “Will you be my girlfriend?”. I told him that I’m not sure if he was serious and should talk in person if he is sincere. He came down but he started off the conversation without any confession instead saying that if the journey is painful it will be difficult too and have some examples like if I don’t like certain food I have to let him know etc. I asked who was he texting that other day, and he said his ex colleague who went back to China was sharing the Christmas food in China wasn’t that good etc. At that point, I trusted him and didn’t raise my concern about Lili whatsapp chat. And so we became bfgf.
However, I still feel strange as he will address me by my first name and somehow the feeling and connection doesn’t feel like gfbf to me and the same texting behaviour happened again every time we are out. I raised again 2 week later and told him not to play with my heart if he is seeing someone else. That’s when he told me that his exes messaged him as well as Lili who was someone he dated before and she is currently on working holiday (age criteria is 18-30yo, shows that he is after young girls) in Europe but the chicken on the grass scene is very typical in Singapore..I have my reservation. He tried to change topic during the convo and he told me to rest in the knowledge that there is no other girl as he masturbates to me sometimes, and I was like how is that assuring.. he also said he addressed his exes by first name.
Another time, he had notifications on his WhatsApp and telegram on his android phone but as I moved my head away and back again, I saw that the number notification had disappeared. He deleted the notifications on his notification screen so that the number will disappear and seem as if he has no new messages. Why did he have to hide from me? His phones are always facing screen down on the table too. I didn’t voice out on the spot again.
When I’m out with him, he will ogle at other girls. Sometimes he will share and talk about with me and ask if I can did the same as the girl such as posing for a photo by my ex bf or if I can carry my bf. Or until the next table girl looked back at him as he was looking at her for too long and many times. Or he will bump until his return tray trolley of a girl with exposed sexy back dress..
I was so upset that I have him cold shoulder for four days. Short replies and not answering his calls. On Friday night, he called and I answered asking if I’m ok. I said I didn’t want to talk over the phone and he ask if I want him to come over but I said I want to go to bed already and he angrily ended the call. He didn’t find me the next day and I called him to arrange to meet. That night, I told him about his suspicious texting behaviour and the Lili whatsapp chat but for many times, he tried to changed topic and also said he wasn’t here to explain or defend himself and that he may or may not have been suspicious, he won’t change his texting behaviour as it was always like this even with his exes.. I told him I didn’t want to break up but to work things out with him. For the next few days, I called him first as he doesn’t seem to want to text me much but I can see that he is on WhatsApp texting other people. On Wednesday night, over the phone, did he not take accountability for his texting behaviour, attacked my character saying I was disrespectful and even contempt and feels that I’m better than him also that I was not talkative and not putting in effort. I told him I’m not putting in effort because I was upset with his texting behaviour and why should I still put in effort if he still wants to know other girls.. he also said that for couple to get married, they must feel that each other was an incredible good deal and he said I was not an incredible good deal because I didn’t put in effort. He is looking for a wife who is caring kind supportive feminine and has strong morals.. he told me that he had lost motivation to chase me and I should not chase him anymore and neither does he..
He is now seeing a new girl who idk how long ago they have already been texting each other..
Throughout our dating period, I feel I’m being evaluated all the time and he seems to be quite critical as he will talk bad about his mother, sisters, boss, colleagues and exes. He doesn’t seem to have close friends that he meet up with. His family is rich and he’s also earning very high salary but he will save money by not buying drinks and share a 1.5L mineral water with me the whole day and shared a dish for dinner as not to eat too much. I know being thrifty is good but he was also expecting me to share my saving money strategy with him. He also commented how my study room layout in parents house should be like to save space. He also said that his sister who is marrying a rich guy has no leverage because the guy is paying all the bills and she will have no say in the relationship to what she wants. He also insisted that I have another monitor screen for my work desk to optimise my productivity. If I refused to his suggestions or ideas, he will be unhappy why I didn’t listen and follow etc.. he also told me to chase him and plan dates, somehow I feel stressed from it.
I’m doing self reflection and want to have a closure for myself. I admitted that I should not have given him cold shoulder or withdraw affection from him when I’m upset as it hurts me and also him as well, which I’m fully aware. In the future, I will either bring it up on the spot or let my partner know that I need some downtime first.
I would like to know what have I done wrong and also his part and what kind of person he is based on this information. Thank you in advance!
P.S: I forgot to mention that he was with another girl in a baking class in JB the weekend before we started texting/getting to know each other on WhatsApp which was a Tuesday. Guess he is constantly knowing new girls..
