I went to see a pretty lady doc today and was told i would need to stop masturbating. I asked, "Was it doing me any harm?"
She replied, No, but i'm trying to examine you.....
Wee boy goes into the kitchen to get his maw,
"Mummy, Granny has fallen asleep on the couch, and her prawn is hanging out"
The mother goes through to the living room to see Grandma asleep on the couch, with her legs apart and her dressing gown open.
She decides she should be truthful with her son,
"That's not a prawn," she says. "That's Grandma's clitoris."
Wee fella says, " Well it tasted like a prawn to me."
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?” Well, that was when the trouble started…!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
“Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”
“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’”
MARRIAGE & MARIJUANA
For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!