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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints.
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."
The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner."
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."
The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner."
The Tattoo
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
Kung Fu Fail
Hi Five
Look! 2" Oscar Statue Increase It's Size To 6"
Hi Five
Look! 2" Oscar Statue Increase It's Size To 6"
Why Girls Like to Marry Military Men?
Many girls like to marry a military man because he can cook, sew, and make beds, he’s in good health and he’s already used to taking orders.
Just a Minute
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, “How long does it take to fly to Boston?”
The clerk said, “Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” the man said and hung up.
Cough Syrup
The pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the new sales girl: “What’s wrong with that guy?”
The sales girl responds: “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative.”
The pharmacist yells: “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a laxative!”
The new sales girl responds. “Of course you can! Look at him, he’s afraid to cough.”
Many girls like to marry a military man because he can cook, sew, and make beds, he’s in good health and he’s already used to taking orders.
Just a Minute
A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, “How long does it take to fly to Boston?”
The clerk said, “Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” the man said and hung up.
Cough Syrup
The pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the new sales girl: “What’s wrong with that guy?”
The sales girl responds: “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative.”
The pharmacist yells: “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a laxative!”
The new sales girl responds. “Of course you can! Look at him, he’s afraid to cough.”
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it was those bastards at the post office.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it was those bastards at the post office.
THE WORLD HAS BEEN TURNED ON ITS HEAD...
WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE
What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon, Texas..
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit”.
WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE
What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon, Texas..
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit”.
O and the irony of it all.
You have been racking your brains for weeks on what to buy your lady
for her special day.
She hinted that she’d like something she could wear on her body, maybe on wrists, neck, or ankles.
So, I have found it!
Show her you truly care. Get her something her friends don’t have.
Be thoughtful and romantic
for her special day.
She hinted that she’d like something she could wear on her body, maybe on wrists, neck, or ankles.
So, I have found it!
Show her you truly care. Get her something her friends don’t have.
Be thoughtful and romantic
A Redneck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Yawl know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go."
"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Yawl know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go."
"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
You really meant your fly (with lotsa spermychup) :pYummy
Interesting linguistic perspective. The hokkien in us :p
Ancient Imperial Language of China – 2,000 Years Ago
How Did it Sound Like? (Mind you, it's no way similar to Mandarin)
Has this Ancient Language Survived?
Who Speaks it Today?
You'll be Surprised. You have heard it. You, your parents, or grandparents may still be speaking this ancient, archaic language!
Yes, it's HOKKIEN (Fujian/Minnan Hua)
Hokkien is:
1. The surviving language of the Tang Dynasty (618-907AD), China 's Golden Age of Culture.
Note: The Hokkien we hear today may have "evolved" from its original form 2,000 years ago, but it still retains the main elements of the Tang Dynasty Language.
2. Hokkiens are the surviving descendants of the Tang Dynasty -- When the Tang Dynasty collapsed, the people of the Tang Dynasty fled South and sought refuge in the Hokkien ( Fujian ) province. Hence, Hokkien called themselves Tng-lang (Tang Ren or People of the Tang Dynasty) instead of Hua Lang (Hua Ren).
3. Hokkien has 8 tones instead of Mandarin's 4. Linguists claim that ancient languages tend to have more complex tones.
4. Hokkien retains the ancient Chinese pronunciation of "K-sounding" endings (for in stance, Hak Seng (student), Tua Ok (university), Thak Chek (read a book/study) -- the "k" sounding ending is not found in Mandarin.
5. The collection of the famous "Three Hundred Tang Dynasty Poems" sound better when recited in Hokkien/Teochew if compared to Mandarin.
6. Consider this for a moment: Today, the Hokkien Nam Yim ochestral performance still has its roots in ancient Tang dynasty music.
Here's the proof: The formation of today Nam Yim ensemble is typically seen in ancient Tang dynasty paintings of musicians.
More Astonishingly:
Although not genetically-related, Hokkiens, Koreans and Japanese share many similar words (which are different from Mandarin).
That's because Hokkien was the official language of the powerful Tang Dynasty whose influence and language spread to Japan and Korea (just like Latin – where many words were borrowed by the English, French, Italian, etc). Here are just a few words in Hokkien, Japanese & Korean
To all 49 Million Hokkien Speakers:
Be Proud of Your Ancient Hokkien Heritage & Language! Speak it Loud and Clear. Teach Your Future Generation this Imperial Language, Less it Fades Away. Be Proud Children of the Tang Emperors.
To all Mandarin-speaking friends out there - do not look down on your other Chinese friends who do not speak Mandarin – whom you guys fondly refer to as "Bananas". In fact, they are speaking a language which is much more ancient & linguistically complicated than Mandarin.
Keep in mind that Mandarin is just:
1. A Northern Chinese dialect (heavily influenced by non Han Chinese) that was elevated to the status of National Language by Sun Yat Sen for the sake of China’s national unity.
2. Mandarin was never spoken by your proud, imperial Tang Dyn asty ancestors. It was probably spoken by the Northern (Non-Han) Jurchen, Mongols and Manchu minority. Start speaking the language of your ancestors today.
Ancient Imperial Language of China – 2,000 Years Ago
How Did it Sound Like? (Mind you, it's no way similar to Mandarin)
Has this Ancient Language Survived?
Who Speaks it Today?
You'll be Surprised. You have heard it. You, your parents, or grandparents may still be speaking this ancient, archaic language!
Yes, it's HOKKIEN (Fujian/Minnan Hua)
Hokkien is:
1. The surviving language of the Tang Dynasty (618-907AD), China 's Golden Age of Culture.
Note: The Hokkien we hear today may have "evolved" from its original form 2,000 years ago, but it still retains the main elements of the Tang Dynasty Language.
2. Hokkiens are the surviving descendants of the Tang Dynasty -- When the Tang Dynasty collapsed, the people of the Tang Dynasty fled South and sought refuge in the Hokkien ( Fujian ) province. Hence, Hokkien called themselves Tng-lang (Tang Ren or People of the Tang Dynasty) instead of Hua Lang (Hua Ren).
3. Hokkien has 8 tones instead of Mandarin's 4. Linguists claim that ancient languages tend to have more complex tones.
4. Hokkien retains the ancient Chinese pronunciation of "K-sounding" endings (for in stance, Hak Seng (student), Tua Ok (university), Thak Chek (read a book/study) -- the "k" sounding ending is not found in Mandarin.
5. The collection of the famous "Three Hundred Tang Dynasty Poems" sound better when recited in Hokkien/Teochew if compared to Mandarin.
6. Consider this for a moment: Today, the Hokkien Nam Yim ochestral performance still has its roots in ancient Tang dynasty music.
Here's the proof: The formation of today Nam Yim ensemble is typically seen in ancient Tang dynasty paintings of musicians.
More Astonishingly:
Although not genetically-related, Hokkiens, Koreans and Japanese share many similar words (which are different from Mandarin).
That's because Hokkien was the official language of the powerful Tang Dynasty whose influence and language spread to Japan and Korea (just like Latin – where many words were borrowed by the English, French, Italian, etc). Here are just a few words in Hokkien, Japanese & Korean
To all 49 Million Hokkien Speakers:
Be Proud of Your Ancient Hokkien Heritage & Language! Speak it Loud and Clear. Teach Your Future Generation this Imperial Language, Less it Fades Away. Be Proud Children of the Tang Emperors.
To all Mandarin-speaking friends out there - do not look down on your other Chinese friends who do not speak Mandarin – whom you guys fondly refer to as "Bananas". In fact, they are speaking a language which is much more ancient & linguistically complicated than Mandarin.
Keep in mind that Mandarin is just:
1. A Northern Chinese dialect (heavily influenced by non Han Chinese) that was elevated to the status of National Language by Sun Yat Sen for the sake of China’s national unity.
2. Mandarin was never spoken by your proud, imperial Tang Dyn asty ancestors. It was probably spoken by the Northern (Non-Han) Jurchen, Mongols and Manchu minority. Start speaking the language of your ancestors today.
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Excerpts Taken From SMRT Ltd (Feedback)
1. Today is Valentine's day.
Couples will usually call each other "B" for 'baby' more often than any other days.
The next day however, when they fight, the B becomes "Babi", "Bodoh", "Bastard".
2.
3. To be a badass, you have to know the law.
But for law on divorces, that one need to ask my friend Ahmad, because he Malay. More experienced.
Fraud law go to Lup Cheong and Rioting law ask Muthu.
For adultery cases, Eurasians expert. That one ask Michael Palmer.
4. A Mat, who was in Primary 3, came home from school one day and asked his father, "Bapak, today in school, me and friends had competisen, see who's kukubird the biggest, lah. My kukubird bigger than all, lah. Why ah? Because I Melayu, issit?
The father sighed and looked at him and said, "No."
"Because you're eighteen years old."
5. An Indian guy takes a Chinese girl home from a nightclub. On the bed, she says "Show me it's true what they say about Indian men."
So the Indian guy drank his Guinness, got drunk, and beat her up.
6. A Malay guy takes a Chinese girl home from a nightclub.
On the bed, she says "Show me it's true what they say about Malay men."
So the Malay guy went to one corner, smoked a Marlboro cigarette and sniffed glue.
7. Run Run Shaw has finally stopped running.
8. I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
9. Little India riot starts at 9.23pm but Police comes at 11.30pm.
SDP's peaceful rally starts at 11am but Police already on scene at 10am.
10. To hijab ladies, if you are a frontline police officer, you are made to respond to a murder case in a pork butchery, and there's no other non-muslim officers around, would you still respond?
If you say yes because it's part of the job, then we support the hijab cause. If you say no because it offends your religion, then we will hijab your face.
1. Today is Valentine's day.
Couples will usually call each other "B" for 'baby' more often than any other days.
The next day however, when they fight, the B becomes "Babi", "Bodoh", "Bastard".
2.
3. To be a badass, you have to know the law.
But for law on divorces, that one need to ask my friend Ahmad, because he Malay. More experienced.
Fraud law go to Lup Cheong and Rioting law ask Muthu.
For adultery cases, Eurasians expert. That one ask Michael Palmer.
4. A Mat, who was in Primary 3, came home from school one day and asked his father, "Bapak, today in school, me and friends had competisen, see who's kukubird the biggest, lah. My kukubird bigger than all, lah. Why ah? Because I Melayu, issit?
The father sighed and looked at him and said, "No."
"Because you're eighteen years old."
5. An Indian guy takes a Chinese girl home from a nightclub. On the bed, she says "Show me it's true what they say about Indian men."
So the Indian guy drank his Guinness, got drunk, and beat her up.
6. A Malay guy takes a Chinese girl home from a nightclub.
On the bed, she says "Show me it's true what they say about Malay men."
So the Malay guy went to one corner, smoked a Marlboro cigarette and sniffed glue.
7. Run Run Shaw has finally stopped running.
8. I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
9. Little India riot starts at 9.23pm but Police comes at 11.30pm.
SDP's peaceful rally starts at 11am but Police already on scene at 10am.
10. To hijab ladies, if you are a frontline police officer, you are made to respond to a murder case in a pork butchery, and there's no other non-muslim officers around, would you still respond?
If you say yes because it's part of the job, then we support the hijab cause. If you say no because it offends your religion, then we will hijab your face.
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