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Tales of the Istana thread


Super Moderator
Episode 11 (130259.1)

Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11.30pm, 22C, strong breeze, sound of palm fronds rustling. Hip hop music coming from the guardhouse.

Old Man: Hey, bro, did you get the call as well.

Pres: Yeah boss, what a rude bugger.

Old man: At first I thought one of my friends was pulling my leg when I first got the call, then I realised that I don't have any and this guy sounded very different. I still don't know how he got thru the switchboard

Pres: Boss, no switchboard anymore, PABX DID goes straight thru to your secretary. Did you give your number to anyone?

Old Man: I don't even know what is my number. How did he get your number then.

Pres: I suspect he got it from Pizza Hut. You know, I get hunger pangs in the middle of the night. Anyway this guy said " Move your butt, something about $2.5M and that the holidays are over and the guys from Sammyboy need an update.

Old Man: So what the hell this guy wants. I just rushed back from Vietnam, fucking tired you know trying to get business for this ungrateful country

Pres: I thought you go to these countries and tell them how to run their country. Anyway I tell you what has been bugging this country the longest.

Old Man: GST, CPF, Carpark ???

Pres: No lah, HDB subsidy

Old Man: Please lah, even Chiam acknowledged he was wrong. What the fuck they can't understand.

Pres: I think what Chiam said was that it was a mistake not to do his homework before he raised it in parliament.

Old Man: Look nobody is swindling them, there is a cost and unfortunately it is expensive because land is scarce.

Pres: You know most of us, our friends and colleagues can't be bothered because we live in private property but when ever this topic comes up , I got to admit it does not sound right. And you know I am the President and its bugging me. I also can't understand why we can't even trust out people with out figures.

Old Man: Ok, ok. Maybe I was too hasty. Lets start from the beginning. You know right that land has to be acquired, access roads built, infrastructure such as sewage pipes, substations etc.

Pres: I don't think you understand. 85% of the country lives in HDB flat right. They use their income including the portion from the CPF to pay for it. At least the vast majority. You follow me?

Old Man: Yep.

Pres: Do you agree that monthly installment is a sizeable chunk of the income. In many cases its at least a third of their income.

Old Man: Yep, where is this going?

Pres: Why then is there a subsidy. The owners, sorry the lessees can't understand that after contributing such a large portion of their hard earned income, the Govt insist that they have been given a handout and they feel an emptiness. They feel that despite working hard for their families and contributing to the country, 85% of our countrymen feel they can't even buy a house on their own.

Old Man: But what about total costs.

Pres: Maybe we should re-examine cost starting from the purchase of the land right down to the cost of each brick. Remember Chiam upgraded the lifts in one of his neighbourhood at a much cheaper cost that even surprised HDB.

Old Man: You mean hold a public inquiry

Pres: Don't get mixed up, the public inquiry is for the Health Ministry and the external auditors in the NKF Fuck-up. That one we tackle after Durai, Yong and company lose their pant. What we need is a white paper on the cost breakdown using one of housing estates as an example that even a dumbfuck like Jimmy Phoon from Temasek can understand. Lets aim for Primary 6 level so that everyone is clear including Chee.

Old Man: Bro, you asking me to backtrack, I might look silly after all these years.

Pres: I won't worry too much, after 2nd Lanuage debacle that took you a generation to realise and the Suzhou affair, they know you are human after all.

Old Man: Now I see your point. What the fuck, how come the bloody MPs never come and tell me this in the first placed. Need to kick their bloody butt.

Pres: Aiyah we hold the distinction of having the only western parlimentary model where no private bill has ever been raised except by an NMP, Walter Woon. Embarrasing Boss. What is even dumb is that that grassroots leaders who actually stay in HDB flats, they should be asking questions. Bunch of ball carriers.

Old Man: Actually I expected the P65 MPs to raise such issues instead of writing kiss ass GST support articles on their blog. What a bunch of wankers.

Pres: Hey, talking about MPs, wahlau, the Graham bugger quite lucky.

Old Man: Please lah, she is 42.

Pres: Alamak, for us 72 is already cradle snatching. Hey how come she is holding the 2 main event in Scotland and Penang. I thought she is already a Singaporean.

Old Man: Hey man, don't look at me. Nobody tells me anything anymore. Got to admit she is the chiobu among the single ladies.

Pres: I say the SYT got to be Eunice.

Old Man: Yah lah, not bad but you haven't seen the Traffic Woman Police Officer in the afternoon detachment at the side gate. Almak with her high boots and that domineering look, all she needs is a whip.

Pres: Boss, Aiyah that women is gay. I already made inquiries. Sa more stuckup ask her for her telephone, she gave me the finger.

Old Man: Back to the subsidy. What if the analysis shows that there is indeed the cost and thus the subsidy.

Pres: I can't fathom how a 4 room flat in Senkang can cost a min of $142K and a max of $210K. Samore, no tiling , bare walls and floor and whole flat must renovate
Old Man: But who then is going to pay for the total cost.

Pres: Please lah, we pay them a token sum when they do NS, that you do not think there is a cost and for them its an opportunity cost. Which is more important National Security or Housing.

Pres: Look, why the secrecy. Let them have the figures.

Old Man: Maybe we can get one of our new scholars to do the white paper. Maybe not, he might find that we have overcharged and we might have to refund.

Pres: Get Khaw, he found out the Govt hospitals were overcharging, he is good at this.

Old man: I got to convince Loong. The Thai matter is bothering him.

Pres: Do you want me to talk to the Thai? I got lobang you know.

Old Man: Bro, somedays things fly past you. He is not worried about the Thais, he needs to address you know who and to tell her she can't keep fucking up with People's money.

Old man: hey, I am hungry. You want to go to Simpang Bedok. I feel like Satay, BBQ stingray and a big cup of teh alia.

Pres: Boss, music to my ears. Hey I know what we can do, lets pick up Ah Tee, you know the contractor who builds houses in the East for up and coming yuppies, he can tell us what the cost is like while we have supper.

Old Man: good idea, ask him to bring his pick-up and we can sit behind. Along the way we can pick up Othman.

Pres: I also want to ask you about Loong's succession plan.

Old Man: I have no clue.

Pres: I say Chee Hean.

Old Man: Bro, all I can think of is Stingray, with lime and chilli. mmmmh sedap. Make the call to Ah Tee.


Super Moderator
Episode 12 (151445.1)

Outside the Guardhouse: 11pm, 23 C, cool breeze after a light downpour with the scent of Frangipani in the air.

Pres: Evening boss, haven't seen you a while. Its sure is a nice night to smoke a nice beedi, sip strong teh tarik and talk cock.

Old Man: Well, have to agree with you. Seldom do we have time for ourselves. The things that we have to do for this country. And I wonder if they realise the sacrifice we have made.

Pres: Boss, can you chill. Forget about the country. Let me enjoy my fag.

Old Man: Listen bro, do you think the people of this country will remember me.

Pres: They sure will boss. I guarantee you that.

Old Man: Bro, do I sense a tinge of sarcasm.

Pres: Lets face it boss, you yourself have said on many occasions that its not a popularity game and you were hard. You felt that you had to be hard.

Old Man: Sounds like you are having second thoughts about me being firm.

Pres: I am not the one that threathened Catherine Lim with a knuckle duster at cul de sac. You did the same with JBJ. Let not forget Teo Soh Lung, Chia Thye Poh.

Old Man: I did it for the country.

Pres: Somehow I am getting the feeling that this is related to events in London a few days ago............ Its the unveiling of Mandela's statute in London. Isn't it?

Old Man: Look, frankly I too deserve a statue. I have ruled this country for 48 years. Its has grown from strength to strength. It is recognised the world over as an economic miracle. We have biggest reserves in comparison to our economy. We have no external debt and our people can travel the world over. Singaporeans enjoy 1st world standards of healthcare, education and housing. There are no blackouts, no disruptions to water supply and food is plentiful. We indulge in sports of many sorts, enjoy parties, pub crawls and bar top dancing.

Pres: Hey boss, guess what? ............ you missed it by a mile.

Old Man: What the hell are you talking about? Isn't it all true.

Pres: Well, Nelson Mandela never ever did any of those things that you did ?
Does it not give you a clue? Come to think of it, he did the very opposite. He spent 27 years locked up. He led an armed gang. When released, he sought peace and reconciliation. He did not sue anyone, jail any of his enemies and even allowed white politicians who were his jailors to run against in their first fully democratic elections in 1994. Guess what he became the president and the FW De Klerk became his deputy.
He only presided from 94 to 99, 6 years and he retired from Politics. He received the Nobel Peace Price in 93 followed Order of St John from the Queen and the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Bush., the first living person to be made an honorary Canadian citizen and a string of other international awards.
All this while, the the economy was picking up like any other ordinary 3rd world country.
I hope you get the picture now. Its not about the economy, its not about wealth creation, it not about clean drinking water and uninterrupted power supply. Its about heart and soul. It about human dignity, having a fair go and treating people as equals.

Old Man: Bloody hell. I stopped communist in its tracks in SEA. I stood by the British and the Americans. They owe me big time.

Pres: Don't be a cock boss. Its was Suharto who stopped the communist when they threathened in 1966. He slaughtered the lot of them. Frankly what did you do. Chin Peng was a spent force after the New Villages were setup. All you did was to call a bunch of trade unionist communist. Did it not sound odd that Lim Chin Siong who you called a pro communist ended up in Britain for over 10 years instead of China. Look, just count yourself lucky if they put a small statute of you infront of NTUC supermarket.

Old Man: Bro, not fair, I deserve more than that. Can you talk to the British for me.

Pres: Are you serious. The only govt that will even consider such a thing is the Burmese Govt for the favours that you did for Ne Win and the current junta.

Old Man: I think you are bias.

Pres: Frankly, the more I think of it, its embarrassing. Your family controls the wealth of this country, the cabinet and you collect record salaries, you put one fucking joker in jail for nearly 30 years, you control the press, the economy and god knows what else.

Old Man: What about you? You also got a mighty increase.

Pres: Don't you think I am ashamed of it. I go to East Coast Park every morning hoping to kill myself drowning. Only last week, one elderly man approached me and handed me a letter about the annuity scheme. Look, lets cleanse outselves of the sins that we have committed. Lets seek salvation.

Old Man: Friend, I am not into religion. Furthermore Sam is getting increasingly upset about religion being mentioned in this forum.

Pres: Not religion boss. Why not join the protest planned for 8th Sept at Centrepoint. Its starts at 4pm.

Old Man: Hey, that sounds like a good idea. Better call Othman Wok for his wigs. I heard about the Breadtalk Laksa too. We should try that.

Pres: One of the fuckers said that they will adjourn for Teochew porridge for supper. We should join in.

Old Man: Sounds fun bro. Reminds me of the time when we attended Low WP rally at Serangoon Stadium. It was a wonderful feeling. I felt highly energised and part of the Singapore struggle then. The thousands of people that came out was wonderful.

Pres: You are mad or what boss. You are the one that put Singaporeans in a straight jacket and you are fighting to set who free? You are starting get dementia.

Old Man: ok, Ok, let plan for the Saturday protest. Better look around for a black t-shirt. What are you wearing bro.

Pres: I got this nifty black bandana.


Super Moderator
Episode 13 (130416.29)

Sri Temasek, Master bedroom (aka. Emerald Suite) - 10pm, 22C, aircon set on oscillation mode with timer set to off at 6.00am

Old Man: That bugger Chee needs a slap. Did you see what he posted on the net. Tomorrow Nathan is going to call me and tell me he wants to step down for sure.

Choo: It was bound to happen sooner or later. You guys go and bullshit him that Singaporeans love him and they want him to remain.

Old Man: Aiyah, you deaf or what. I told you for the umpteen fucking time that nobody's wants the President's position and we need to up the salary as a carrot.

Choo: You fucked it up. You had to make it a political position. Which successful captain of industry wants to stand for elections in his twilight years. These guys have won major battles all their life and they are not going to take a gamble and lose.

Old Man: What gamble are you talking about? If they are good, they will be elected.

Choo: Old man, your memory really slipping. Remember the first elections, you got Chua Kim Yeow and Tend Cheong to stand. They are going to think that you are also going to do the same. Then the next thing you know NTUC turns up and declares the support for your chosen candidate.

Old Man: Aa!, Don't twist and turn.

Choo: What twist and turn. Don't you realise that both the successful candidates, Ong and Nathan both had Union background. The captains of industry have always had no respect for the unions. Especially the ball carriers and pap mps who can't get regular jobs, must support them with Union assets.

Old Man: If you so fucking smart, what do you suggest (top of voice, screaming)

Choo: Can you stop screaming you old fart. Tony and his household staff can hear you

Old Man: Don't worry about Tony, he knows us too long, he can't be bothered. Anyway don't change the subject.

Choo: Firstly, I would not have made it political. I would have made the Auditor General the chair of a panel of distinguished individuals who will oversee the reserves. That panel is only answerable to the President and Parliament.

Choo: By the way, no mention why he is got $500K increase last year and $100K this year. Did he get a hole in one at the Istana links or what?

Old Man: I give up. How many times must tell you we are increasing it to attract peopel to run and avoid a debacle like the last time.

Choo: Ah Ha!, you admit it was debacle. Fuck the guy from the PAP could not even run a condominimum management coucil and he wants to be President. By the way, where do you find these assoles to be PAP members.

Old Man: I take exception to you calling them assholes. They are pillars of society. They are why Singapore is a success.

Choo: Don't talk cock. I have seen them. They have been in the party for donkey years, with their tongue hanging out hoping to be an MP. And every elections, you guys do the tea party thing and get Singapore's best when they are young, impressionable and tell them its for the country and give a token entry to 1 or 2 Pap members. Even these one or two, can't get regular jobs, must be given jobs as town council.

Old Man: If you think you so smart, why don't you run the country. Nabei, know only how to talk.

Choo: Hello, I am the smart one in this family. I got the Queens scholarship. You could not even get a bursary. I made Lee and Lee what it is today.

Choo: In case you don't realise, my son runs the country now.

Old Man: That what you think. I think someone else wears the pants in that house and we going to have Tom Yom soup for years to come.

Choo: old man, I am getting sick and tired of your nonsense. Just log on to sammyboy. They want you to graciously step down. Even the SPH guy said that. If you retire, you and your good buddy can go to Tiong Bahru every morning for breakfast.

Old Man: Got to admit, the Chee Kueh is killer. Do you know the secret is in the chilli.

Choo: Can we talk about Stanley Ho?

Old Man: I got a headache and its best that I sleep. Good night Choo.

Choo: Ok lah, good night Ling.

Downstairs - Staff Kitchen

Tony : Everynight, same story

Dollah: You know, I think Maam would have made a better leader.

Devi: Please lah, if she was the leader, Tan Wah Piow would have been hanged, Chia Thye Poh would be shot on the first day.

Chia: You guys keep on talking cock. Everyday, I worry whether my CPF can look after me during retirement. Go back to sleep. Tomorrow long day. Fucking Nathan wants me to service the golf buggy. He thinks he is Dennis Lian.

Tony: Ok, OK, goodnight everyone.


Super Moderator
Episode 14

Behind the Guardhouse - 23C, slight drizzle, with teasing smell of strong coffee in the air.

Old Man: CT good of you to join us.

Panjang : Well, I never had an invitation before.

Pres: Alamek, you go home to 3rd Avenue and that well before 11pm, so it was pointless asking you. Anyway, I come here to smoke my beedi and Boss only comes when he is bored or has something on his mind.

Old Man: I told him last week to meet me at Jurong Hill and we had a healthy discussion and thats when I told him about joing us behind the guardhouse.

Pres: Oh Shit, you guys met at Jurong Hill Restaurant. Whats going on? Something in the air.

Panjang: When Harry slipped me the note just before the weekly cabinet meeting, I wondered why Jurong Hill Top Restaurant.

Pres: There are 2 people that know about Jurong Hill, Boss and me.

Old Man: I first began using the Hill Top restaurant for quiet meetings in the 70s. It was isolated then and it remains isolated now. The Teppanyaki is the best in the world because Keng Swee promised the Japanese the best Japanese food, to get them to invest in Jurong. To keep it exclusive, they continued to have the same 70s decor and they never advertise.

Pres: It also turned out be the safest place to discuss calendestine matters as no Singaporean visits the location. Go there at 2pm on a Tues and its dead quiet.

Old man: Anyway the reason that we met was that I suspected that both CT and me were going to be ousted from the cabinet.

Pres: By your son?

Panjang: We are not sure if it Loong or someone behind him. We are not sure. I thought it was me until Harry asked me to meet him.

Pres: This is better than smoking beedi and drinking strong coffee. Tell me more.

Panjang: Can I get a shot of the coffee, smells shiok.

Old Man: We got it from the guards. Their usual supervisor, the arsehole who screwed me and Bro is away on 2 weeks holiday so no problem, we can talk for hours. Anyway the coffee powder comes from Java as one of the Guard is a Javanese and his relatives sents it too him. Its dam shiok when you mix it with nestle condensed milk.

Pres: So what going on in cabinet.

Old man: Lately the younger chaps have been overly kind to us and they have been suggesting rest and more golf. I also noticed that my comments don't get much attention.

Panjang: Yeah, I have been told to work on charity matters and organise charity golf. At first I thought they were ribbing me about my wife and NKF but it is something else.

Old Man: I suspect it is the Thai investment debacle but the thing that floored me was the 20 years sentence for hitting an MP. Gosh, in the 50, 60 and 70s, I went house to house, kampung to kampung, union to union to campaign. I was pushed into a drain but I never asked for such a ridiculous law. The younger generation of MPs have no balls. Is their blood bluer than the rest of us? Even a policeman who faces danger because of his nature of work does not get that kind of protection.

Panjang: You know parking wardens have been asking for special laws but we said no. Then this bullshit surfaces.

Pres: Who started it.

Old Man: That the puzzle. It appears that there are 2 cabinet meetings and the charade is the one that we attend.

Pres: This is serious shit.

Old man: Of course it is serious shit. I have only used Jurong Hill a few times and it is always for serious business. Remember the last meeting was with Mahathir on merger.

Panjang: The question is why me?

Old Man: What do you mean why you? What about me?

Panjang: Aiyah, Harry, you always have ruled this country from Day 1. Even the sammyboy forummers know it. Just ask Rover. Why do you think when I ran the country, I will raise a new policy for discussion at Cabinet meeting, agree and then at the press conference make subtantial changes when journalist query about the impact. I know you will never agree.

Old Man: Me? what about you. You are fine one to talk. What about your wife and NFK. You really put your foot in your mouth with the swiss standard of living. Fuck, ... what were you thinking. We can't even assure Singaporeans of job past 40 yrs.

Panjang: You think, I am the silly one. Guess who came out with the long hair policy and sending Kitaro home.

Old man: I did not send Kitaro home. He refused to cut his hair at the airport and chose to go home.

Pres: Please gentlemen, you both had your share of fuck-ups. Let not get into this. I am just keen to find out who is behind and I suspect I know the answer.

Old man: Pray tell who.

Pres: I think it is the repeat of the Ong Teng Cheong affair. You know all 3 of you were dead keen on golf and both of you refused to give up your slots to Ong who had the right to the course as he was the President. The 2 of you then decided to move the President to Command House and that when summoned the Accountant Genneral on the National reserves.

Panjang: You think so. Maybe we should just casually mention at the next cabinet meeting that we prefer to play at Island Country Club and that we will give up our Istana slots.

Old Man: Are you mad. I have never missed a round of golf at the Istana since 1959 if I am not away. Thats 48 years.

Panjang: What is more important, Golf or cabinet.

Old Man: Thats the trouble with you. Never take the easy way out. Fight and stand.

Panjang: You are a fine one to speak of courage. I had the courage to say swiss standard of living. Come to think of it, you never ever promised them anything except a knucke duster and detention without trial.

Pres: Gentleman, Gentleman, calm down. We are not making progress. By the way, I could never understand why you guys need to be in Cabinet. You had over 30 years and you 14 years at the top. Why don't you relax and enjoy retirement like me.

Old Man: You know I cannot let go. I just cannot.

Panjang: I will only step down if he goes if not Singaporeasn might think that I was outsted.

Pres: I give up. Today is the worst discussion that I had behind the guardhouse. It is so shallow, no subtance and I am sure that you will not see it in Sammyboy. I don't know about you but I believe that a certain stingray is calling out to me from Cuppage Plaza.

Old Man: I will join you

Panjang: Can I come

Old Man: I am not too sure, they will certainly recognise you because of your height.

Pres: Let him come. It usually Japs from the Japanese niteclubs and the rest are also foreigners. It however best to roll up up your sleeves and change to a pair of slippers with the guards. You are overly dressed for the night.

Pres: Come on lets go.


Super Moderator
Episode 15

Behind the Guardhouse - 28C, high humidity and the smell of cut grass in the air.

Old Man: Why the long face, Bro. Haven't seen you for awhile.

Pres: I am not happy and its obvious that the President's office has been made use of.

Old Man: You mean the salary

Pres: Yes..... When the President's salary was raised to 2.8M, I thought it was because no one wanted the office after the last presidential election debacle. I had no idea that you guys wanted to raise your own salary.

Old Man: Be realistic bro. Thats politics. We floated the idea and we did not get any resistance, so it was the next step. At the end of the day, we need to attract and keep our limited talent.

Pres: You know last month I went back to my home in Ceylon Road and some idiot threw eggs at my front door. My wife was so mad. I placated her by telling that the Canadian Geese had their compass distorted due to global warming and couple of eggs fells on their way to the summer breeding grounds.

Old Man: And she bought it.

Pres: Don't change the subject. You know that I have been getting the middle finger from the postman to the rojak seller at Joo Chiat food centre. Even the Vietnamese hookers along Joo Chiat give me the evil eye.

Old Man: Don't complain, you also got increase and nice one at that.

Pres: You are fucking senile. I am 89 years old this year. What am I going to do with 2.8M. My day is made when I get up in the morning and my dick does a mari kita. It is now as frequent as the Krakatuo eruption. As the president, I can't go to nightclub, can't go for a massage or even go to casino when it opens. For $3000, I can eat what I like for a whole month and still got lots of spare change.

Old Man: Ok, lets be serious. What is wrong paying our talent what they deserve.

Pres: You want to be serious, lets then be fucking serious, you arsehole.

Old Man: Hey Bro, watch your tone. Why so angry.

Pres: I already have sleepless mights thinking about what I did during the Japanese occupation and now this.

Old Man: Lets hear your arguments

Pres: I am not going to waste my time with arguments that are obvious. These have has already been raised by the general public and foreign press.

Old Man: Fine, I thought I heard it all.

Pres: For starters, you mentioned Hen, Viv and Balaji's salaries in their previous vocation. How about zeros like Yeo Guat Kwang and the majority who actually got a windfall. Lets be open about this. Are you telling me that they were actually earning more. That guy can't even get a job that he has to rely on CASE. What about the leeches that are paid by NTUC and various GLCs. Why can't they find a job and still be an MP. Remember the best performing MPs did not rely on tax payers. Cheng Bock, Soo Khoon were outstanding, they ran their own business and practise.

Old Man: Lets stick to the benchmark that we set.

Pres: In case you are not aware, the man in the street has never accepted the benchmark. Those are vocations that come with risks. It involves professional and entreprenuerial risk. You are a surgeon, you carry out the wrong procedure, you are dead. You are lawyer and you give the wrong advice, you are a goner. There are bodies that marshal these professions. Who marshals the PAP, you? Also bear in mind, only a select few in the respective professions earn that high. The vast majority earn a lot less. When they fail, do they get to join Keppel, are they given a job with NTUC, so ask yourself, is it a fair comparison.

Old Man: You yourself know that it hard to get good people to take up politics.

Pres: That because you threathen every interested person with your knuckle duster and silly golf rules. Obviously the talent pool where politics is concerned is empty. It is clearly monopolistic behaviour. You hide behind the very rules and conditions that you create, you build insurmountable barriers and then you cry wolf that no one wants to venture into politics. Only the desperate like Raymond Lim will do a wayang with Roundtable and its non-partisan crap and wait for the invitation.

Old Man: I don't agree

Pres: Obviously you won't agree. Let me take another argument. How about computing your total benefits like taxes paid by expats. Lets total up the costs of providing you the Istana, golf course, gurkhas for both Istana and your other house. A ballpark figure will come to a couple of millions. Let not forget SIA.

Old Man: Hold your horses. I paid for the entire SIA costs to bring my wife back.

Pres: We all know that. Its the direct cost. Will SIA do the same if you are the best paid lawyer, doctor or stockbroker. As far as SIA is concerned they got better things to do then to provide special services. They do it for you because of who you are and you earned it. Thats the trapping of the office. No one begrudges you. Now if you want to play by the market then everything needs to follow the same principle.

Old Man: You can't expect the PM and the cabinet to work in a commercial building.

Pres: You always claiming to be above board and transparent. Reveal to the people of Singapore the actual costs of housing you and letting you enjoy the trappings of your office. Let them decide.

Old Man: Bro, you are making me a sad man. I am truly hurt. This, from you of all persons, I never expected. Did I not build Singapore. Did I not make Singapore proud. You know me, I gave up a lucrative career for the what I believed in.

Pres: No one is taking anything from you. You deserve the recognition and the accolades. The first 3 decades were marvellous. But ask yourself this. what did the PAP do in the last and this decade. Why the sudden need to pay so high. The fact that we have the highest paid politicians in the world should tell you that something is wrong. Did the rest of world get it wrong. Did the Scandinavians get it wrong.

Old Man: It my blood and sweat bro.

Pres: Now its like you are believing your own bullshit. I firmly believe that there are good and outstanding people out there who can get the job done. Unless you believe that you spent the 4 over decades screwing the education system and the culture. If the system failed to provide noble individuals who are prepared to serve this country who do we assign the blame. Well it cannot be Mahathir, recessive genes or the climate. It has to be the PAP. You had absolute control, so what went wrong. Maybe you should focus on raising loyal Singaporeans who are not beholden to money as a success factor and money alone. You can't have your cake and eat it.

Old Man: What about protecting our reserves. Whose is going to do it.

Pres: You are talking as though there we never had any reserves for the first few decades. Suddenly there seems to be an urgent reason for this to be looked after. You are raising the reserves as a crutch.

Old Man: You know very well that we are at the cross roads. We take the wrong turn and we are kaput.

Pres: The foreign press and I heard about your kaput theory a dozen times over the years. Maybe we have to learn the hard way. Maybe its time for you to take a break and see if your legacy has a firm foundation. As it is, Singapore is a single party system like many that we see in Africa. If PAP becomes greedy, you and I know that we are doomed as there are no safety brakes, no alternatives or no recourse built in. Its the PAP or bust.

Old Man: You know that I went into this not for popularity but to get the job done.

Pres: Alamak, except for Sukarno and few crackpots, the other leaders are the same. Driven by ideology and the desire to help their fellow man.

Old Man: What is your point.

Pres: The majority of world leaders are the same. Many were capable men of finance and industry. Some were born with the silver spoon, yet they chose public office for greater good. Money is not a factor. Your argument about Clinton is frankly laughable. Why don't you ask Hen to gone on the lecture circuit after his term. Obviously he will get peanuts as the markets will determine his value. The fact remains that during his presidency he received much less than any of the PAP ministers.

Old Man: Bro. late in the night, time for supper.

Pres:Sorry, no appetite. I am heading back, good night.

Old Man: Jesus! Why so like that.

Pres: Look, one of these days my wife will realise that the thing about the Canadian geese is bullshit. I then have to raise my sarong and run for my life. In the meantime, I have to find space to breathe and eating is not in the immediate agenda. So spare me.


Super Moderator
Episode 16

Behind the Guardhouse - 11.15pm, 31C, rancid smell of a dead animal in the air.

Old Man: What happenned bro, got the message from Panjang to meet you here. Panjang did not sound good at all. Is it my fucking daughter in law.

Pres: No, it not your daughter in law. Its a bit more serious than that.

Old Man: Its not my grandson and that long winded whining letter is it. Let me tell you that he is a bit of a rascal but the people tell me that they appreciate his guts.

Pres: Please lah, boss, it is not your grandson. By the way, people tell you what you want to hear.

Old Man: What is it?

Pres: Look Boss, you know that I have been loyal to you all these years. I have toed the line, did your bidding, country before self but this is something else.

Old Man: Oh Fuck, don't tell me that you are gay and you now coming out. Not to worry bro, I have spoken to experts and my view have changed. In fact, there was a time just after I gave up the leadership, I had second thoughts about my inclination. In fact I still have doubts. I believe that I could be bi.

Pres: Frankly, if Choo was my wife, I too would be bi.

Pres: Boss, this is very difficult. Please treat me as a messenger and don't shoot me. The others felt that I am the best candidate to convey this message. Come to think of it, I was chosen because I was the oldest and already have one foot in the bucket. Boss, they want a covenant from you to leave this country for good.

Old Man: What!, ............... give me one of your bidees. I need to light up. Why? I am no longer the PM, I don't run the country. Who are they? I want to know.

Pres: Boss, all I can say is that they all worked with you but they are not prepared to reveal themselves.

Old Man: Young Turk?

Pres: Nope and I will not go any further in identifying them.

Old Man: Why?

Pres: Take it easy boss, I already told one of the guards to tapau 2 extra strong coffee black. We need to get thru the night.

Old Man: I suppose, since you are involved, our Intelligence chaps are in it as well. Let me call ...

Pres: Stop, just listen to me. This covenant is different. You came to power in 1959. It is now 2007. Thats coming to 48 years. We prospered but we paid a heavy price. Its nearly half a century of one man's rule. This country is still a one party system and therefore by all intents and purposes an authoritarian govt. You have silenced alternative views, you have used the strongest possible means to stifle any form of democracy. And sadly I helped you do that.

Old Man: Look at Singapore. Thats my work. I did it for Singaporeans.

Pres: We thought you did but look at it now. You chair the GIC Board of Directors looking after our foreign reserves , your daughter in law runs Temasek which looks after our short term investment funds and your son as the minister of Finance while holding the premiership has oversight on both. What do you think that means to anyone with a normal IQ.

Old Man: But I did it for the country.

Pres: I think its the same line that Stalin used and Mugabe is using. We realised that you lost your marbles when you made your comment about Scandinavian countries.

Old Man: Bro, listen...

Pres: Will you for fuck sake, shut the fuck up and listen for once. We want you and your entire family to leave Singapore. And that includes your siblings and their families as well. In exchange , we are prepared to negotiate a considerable sum from the country's reserves. The people behind this have thought about it for long. They think its worth it.

Old Man: Thats not fair. This is our home.

Pres: you can buy a whole country with the money that we are prepared to offer. You might want to join your other son downunder.

Old Man: What about the people of Singapore. Don't they have a say. They voted me in.

Pres: I think you and I know that Singaporeans have been trained to follow and we spent half a century conditioning them. Why do you think that a rational Singaporean will not run for presidency. Why do you think we can't entice capable people of being leaders without enticing them with hugely ridiculous salaries. Anywhere else in the world, we have people running for elections at the drop of a hat. Think Boss, Think.

Old Man: What if I refuse? What then. You going kill me ?

Pres: Alamak, don't be so dramatic, this is not a Indian movie. If you refuse to provide the covenant, the group will move towards Plan B.

Old Man: Hey, I noticed that your speech is slurred and its getting worse. You fucking diabetic idiot, your sugar level has shot up and you probably haven't taken your medication. You are bloody delirious.

Pres: I am not delirious ... hic!... hic!. I am serious. There is indeed a group.. hic!. There is Tajuddin the guard commander, Ah Siong the corporal and Velu the constable .. hic! Its our strong opinion that you sign the covenant. hic!................zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Old man: Fuck, nearly died of fright. Guys better call the ambulance, the Pres has gone into a diabetic coma.


Super Moderator
Episode 17

Behind the Guardhouse, 11pm, 22C, slight breeze from NE, radio chatter from Police band in the guardhouse.

Old Man: Now that I have got my black outfit ready, can relax a bit. Any spare Kopi O?

Pres: Yeah, the fellows in the guardhouse got you as they suspected that you will turn up to night. 3 nights in a row, won’t Choo get mad?

Old Man: She knows that something is up. She has seen the glow in my face. The same glow that I had when I took on Barisan. And she is worried.

Pres: Why?

Old Man: She thinks that I am planning to overthrow my son and his government. She knows that there is no opposition currently. We control the Press so much so that our dearie Ms Chua Mui Hoong ended up writing about Art classes in the boondocks in her column yesterday. I obviously can’t tell Choo about Centrepoint. She will insist to tag along.

Pres: You mean she has become a rebel as well. No lah, I am talking about shopping. Hey boss, I got an idea. Why don’t you follow me to East Coast Parkway every morning. It will be a good way to meet Singaporeans and see for yourself what’s going on.

Old Man: Look Bro, the last time I mingled with the Plebians was in 1959. I am not a snob by nature but this country needs me to be secure and safe in order to guide the people through the high and lows. It’s a sacrifice on my part.

Pres: That’s exactly my point. You have lost touch with Singaporeans. The last time Singaporeans saw you was in an unofficial setting at Yang’s place eating Japanese food for a TV Program. And it was all in the family. You are probably the most isolated person in power in the English speaking world.

Old Man: Hey, the Japanese meal on TV was a wayang show. Since when do I allow the public into our private lives. I only did it once before when Bertha Henson somehow cajoled me into letting the press in just before a general elections. This time around I had to do a marital patch up job like I had to do for Ah Chok. Bloody hell, you live in the Istana and you do not know what’s going on?
You really think that I will gather the Lee clan to please a head swollen Jap and talent lacking Mediacorpse? When you have the media under your thumb, you make use of it. Honestly, if I wanted a good meal, I would have just called the joker to the Istana. Someone had to step in. The stories were getting stronger and I had to nip it.
Rather than appear defensive , I let the picture tell a thousand words. I also did not want to do the Dhanabalan slapping kind of explanantion that backfired on Ah Chok. Think properly. After 48 years, why was I plugging Jap food on TV? Was that me? Why were Yang and his wife in it?

Pres: Wah lau eh! I thought that fellow was really migrating to Oz. I even suggested it to my wife that we go to Asutralia. She gave me a tight slap and kneed me in the groin. She also told me I have no clue what was going on. Anyway, Ah Chok keeps in touch with the people better than you.

Old Man: Aiyah! He was no different to me when he ruled for 14 years as PM.

Pres: Wrong. Panjang, when he was PM, made sure that he attended the Photo taking session of every PAP class for 14 years. The guy actually took pictures with the toddlers who now are entering universities and joining the workforce. They will remember him better than you. He actually made time for the photo sessions.

Old Man: Give me your beedi, I need a drag. I am now getting upset. Old Man took a mighty drag of a half smoked beedi. Are you saying that Singaporeans don’t like me?

Pres: I am saying that you don’t understand the man in the street anymore! Times have changed. Gone are the days when authority was recognised as part and parcel of society. Look at your grandson. Despite attending OCS, he told the generals to shaft it up their arses. And he did it in true Singaporean style - the last week before leaving for his studies.

Old Man: You know that a Chinaman society can only be ruled with an iron fist. Look at all Oriental countries, no order no peace. It’s a fact.

Pres: Don’t you want to try and evolve towards a more civil society where the power does not come from the barrel of a gun? Do you want to known as the man who used the same fucking formula for 48 years and could not change with the times?

Old Man: Hey Bro, we allowed bar top dancing!

Pres: And you guys used the sledge hammer to bash Mr Brown. Imagine you guys are dead scared of Mr Brown. Look at Margaret Thatcher. They don’t call her the Iron Lady for nothing. Credit to her for being tough and accolades to her for doing it through a fully democratic process. There was no gerrymandering, no GRC setups, no ridiculous press laws and certainly no draconian laws that circumvent individual rights. And for Christ sake, she is a lady.

Old Man: Look, Arthur Scargill was a hopeless leader of the coal miners’ union. If I ran the show, Thatcher would not have succeeded.

Pres: Pleeeeeazzze!. If you ran the coal miners’ union, your son will be in the ex-co, your other son will be heading the union cooperative and your daughter in law will be director in union owned businesses and you would still say that it was done on merit.

Old Man: Rules are important.

Pres: You don’t get it. The people of Potong Pasir know that if they vote in the PAP, they will get fantastic perks and the value of the flats will rise immensely. It’s a well contained neighbourhood. They are not stupid people. Yet they have refused to yield. Do you know why? They have pride. They are the only hope for Singaporeans. Imagine they pay taxes and they get nothing in return. Try explaining that. Your policies have made them matyrs.

Old Man: So what do you suggest?

Pres: Stop listening to your minders and get out there. Start listening first hand. Avoid the grassroots. Make changes that matters. Allow for alternative voices. Push democracy to the fullest. There will be ups and downs but you have nothing to lose but everything to gain. And I guarantee you a statute in front of the Padang.

Old Man: Ok, …. I will bite. Lets take the last bus to Newton Circus and I will talk to the people. I will find what they need. Lets go.

Pres: Urrrg. I got something, you go ahead.

Old Man: Bloody Hell, talk big, no balls!

Pres: If I go with you, all hell will break loose. Can I suggest that we go our usual incognito way with wigs etc? And we sit with Singaporeans.

Old Man: Ok, have it your way. But you are paying for the food and the taxi fare.

Pres: No need taxi going time. Coming back, can slow walk. Save money. After all nothing much for us to do anyway.

Old Man: They say the Soup Tulang still got standard. Hurry Bro, my mouth salivating. By the way, better order extra bread, the way you eat, I got no hope after dipping one piece of it.


Super Moderator
Episode 18

Behind the Guardhouse, 11pm, 21C, smell of mount faber nasi lemak gentling wafing in the air

Pres: Boss, can you stop throwing pebbles at my master bedroom window. My wife thinks that we are gay and having an affair.

Old Man: I was desperate and thats why I did it. Sorry about it.

Pres: Sorry!. Bloody Hell, I had to tell her that I had arranged for breakfast in the garden and it was meant to be surprise. So quickly got the butler to rush things. Since it was in garden, as it is customary, had to do a song and a piroutte around the coconut tree to show that it was genuine.

Old Man: Bro, frankly, after walloping thosai and chutney, I cannot move and I don't know how you guys can jump from hill to hill.

Pres: Its in the blood boss. So what the hell was so important that you had throw pebbles so early in the fucking morning.

Old Man: Its a crisis, a fucking bloody crisis. I am completely fucked.

Pres: Oh shit boss, they finally threw you out of cabinet.

Old Man: No lah. Remember the gathering for this Saturday at Centrepoint at 4pm. We have wear something black right?

Pres: Yeah......

Old Man: Bro, I searched my entire house and also at 38 Oxley Rise and I cannot find anything black.

Pres: What about when you attend funerals.

Old Man: No, I always had been partial to light colours.

Pres: At least you don't wear a faggoty colour like your son. Aiyah! Just go to one of the shops and get a black t-shirt.

Old Man: Thats why its now a crisis. When I threw those pebbles it was not a crisis. At lunch time, I walked over to Plaza Singapura to pick up a black t-shirt. The first shop I went to had a Filipina FT sales staff. Shed told me they ran out of black and she asked whether I knew the reason why so many people were looking for black. I straight away wahbodoh as I did not want to give the game away.
You won't believe this bro, the whole fucking Plaza Singapura does not have a single clothing in the colour black. This is going to be a whopper event. Supersize even.

Pres: Did you ask them to check if their other stores carry stock.

Old Man: I did just that and no luck. In fact in one case, a PRC mei mei sales assistant asked me if I had CPF. KNN, I told her to fuck off to Geylang.

Pres: Wah lau!. No stock. You are right. This is going to be a whopper event. I can't wait for Saturday.

Old Man: Bro, do you have a spare black bandana.

Pres: Fuck boss, if both of us wear black bandanas, we would look like the chopstick sisters. No shiok, we will be the laughing stock.

Old Man: Help me out Bro, I don't want to miss this event. This evening I got Ah Seng to get the grassroots to check if the stores near their homes carry them but no luck. These grassrrots are useless. Know only to ask but cannot give. I have good mind to withdraw their free parking privileges.
It looks like everyone will be there except me. There is one possibility - Foreign ministry said they had black mask that was left over from a diplomatic ball that I can use.

Pres: Aiyah! boss, you surely can't go like zorro.

Old Man: Why not. I am the hero of Singapore, I am natural born leader and people look up to me like Zorro. Its a perfect fit. I am thinking of cutting a piece of the black curtain as a cape. Imagine standing in front of the crowd and calling them to act. Do you think it good to get a horse to complete the picture.

Pres: (eyes rolling)

Old Man: Look if you think that it is not suitable, why not ask the organiser to change the colour then.

Pres: Pleezze! This is Sammyboy Forum. This is not the Singapore Parliament, the Civil service or SPH. They don't give a fuck who you are? These guys have a mind of their own. Your talk cock, sing song session cannot jalan in this forum. Just wear your zorro outfit and come.

Old Man: I can't wait bro. I am so excited. Its like the old days when we fought hard in the rallies to get votes. The WP party rally at Hougang was another magnificient event. I still can remember the date - 30 April. All floors and lift landing at every surrounding block was filled by man, woman and child. Its was better than the Kallang Roar at the Malaysia Cup. I was so elated as the Adrenalin rushed thru my veins. I cried when Low spoke. It hit me hard. That night I went back home and fucked the shit out of my son on why we can't get that kind of a turnout.

Pres: How come the ST never mentioned how big the crowd was. Why no picture. Fucked up newspaper. We should make Yawning Bread the Editor. Remember the HDB rental debacle.

Old Man: Listen bro, we know this game. We can organise this better than anyone. You look after black ops and I will handle the strategy. We might as well storm the Istana and plant the flag of true freedom and independence. Lets change the course of history. The meek will never rule the world. Its our time and the hour is near. We move now or we will never move. In the name of Ghandi, Mandela and Che Guevara, lets unfurl the flag of freedom and we march. We March like no other. The Road to freedom is wide open and it beckons us. I see no fork and I see no bends ........... the road to freedom is indeed straight.

Pres: Old man, what the fuck are you talking about? Have you got Alzheimer's disease or what. Do you know what this protest about and who lives in the godamn Istana. You should have kicked the bucket long time ago. Jesus!, get a grip man.

Old Man: What?

Pres: You prick, these guys are after our blood. If they storm the Istana, its to catch us, cut out balls and hang it from the flag poles. They are sick and tired of being told what to do with their own money. Sometimes you are so far out in left field that you are no longer in the ballpark. Man, the things that I do for you.

Old Man: Sorry bro, got carried away. So why are you going ?

Pres: Simple, for 3 reasons. Dying to try the Laksa, need to get away from my wife for a few hours and get some action in this fucking boring sterile country where independent thinking is like striking the mother lode. Also if something happens, I will on the right side of the Istana for once.

Old Man: Bro, have to agree on the excitement part. Its getting late. Hey, saw in Sammyboy of this delicious Hokkein Mee in Simei just below MRT station. Lets take a shot.

Pres: I saw that too. Nabei, that fucker scroobal called us a bunch of elderly bapohs plying our trade wearing wigs.

Old Man: Aiyah!, Ignore the bastard. So brave behind the keyboard but no balls when challenged to a fight. Wait till I get him in a cul de sac. He will know who is boss then.

Pres: I too can't wait to get the guy. Always write about me as though I am some kind of uneducated gong gong. Fuck, is it my fault that there were no other qualified candidates on nomination day.

Old Man: Aiyah, forget it bro, we got to catch the last train from Dolby Ghaut. Maybe got chance to get sit next to chio bu.

Pres: Becareful, don't do anything silly. Some asswipe with handphone camera will take a shot and report us to stomp for breathing at this age. Some fuckers go no life.


Super Moderator
PS: a couple of missing links in between, because bro scroobal scripted the last piece as episode 21, after rearranging them, i can only have up till episode 18, and we can have the complete 20 episodes if we started count from bro JWNY's thread 1, and we include the prelude below... unless bro scroobal still has the missing post somewhere...
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Super Moderator
i supposed this was a prelude to it all (Sam's Delphi thread 85042.46)

If LKY kicks the bucket, this is the scene that will take place in Wong Kan Seng's Bedroom.
Ruth: Go for it, this is your chance
Wong: No lah, I promised Uncle Harry that I will look after Ah Loong.
Ruth: Don't be stupid. The man is dead, you really believe that he will wake from his grave.
Wong: For your information he did say that if Singapore goes down hill.
Ruth: You blind or wat!!. Things have been going downhill for the last 15 years.
Wong: Wat about Ah Loong.
Ruth: You are not only blind, you are deaf and dumb. Its the Madam that you have to be worried about. Who you think wears the pants in that household.
Wong: Aiyoh, so same like us.
Ruth: Don't be funny. Look, be serious. Remember Ah Loong used to call you you guru. It not because of your wisdowm but because of your previous vocation.
Wong: I am scared.
Ruth: You stupid or wat. I am not asking you to stage a coup de ta or an assasination. You are the Min of Home Affairs, you control the Police, the ISD and you also control the grassroots. You have the instruments of government behind you, you can make the move slowly and surely
Wong: What about SAF?
Ruth: You really blurr. The entire SAF is for Malaysia. You think the submarine and F16s can do anything. If there is problem and it is not Malaysia, they all will go chia kopi at the nearest sarabat stall.
Wong: Wat about the rest of the cabinet?
Ruth: Except for Lim Boon Heng, the rest can't be bothered. Remember the short arse affair when Aunty Choo slapped Loong. The rest are not politicians. The rest already made a bundle and they will retire. You can then ask your koi pond kakis to join your cabinet
Wong: That reminds, I have to go to the Koi Pond meeting in 10 minutes time.
Ruth: Fuck lah, talking to you is like talking to the wall. Solid brick.
Wong: Frankly if you want my opinion, you and Ah Ho should make up. I agree that it was rude of her to comment about your Laksa lacking punch but it is partly your fault. Why you bring up micropolis in the first place.
Ruth: I thought I want inside info on micropolis
Wong: Wat inside info, the due diligence done is like your laksa, no punch
Ruth: Better go to your Koi pond gang meeting before I make you drink my Laksa.
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Tales of the Istana
Episode 22 ( I think) 11 Aug 08

Behind the Guardhouse, 11pm, 30C, unusually warm night, wafting smell of Teh Halia in the air.

Old Man: I thought you told me you were spending the whole week at Ceylon Road. Something about 7th Mth and the best Getai show.

Pres: Plans changed boss. Everything down the longkang. Some more, I so badly wanted to watch the girl small girl called Cody at the Getai Show at Joo Chiat.

Old Man: What Happenned Bro, the Mrs throw curfew on you. Stand up like man, fight the ladies and don't give an inch. You are our fucking president.

Pres: You are fine one to chakap. Talk big only. Your wife gave us the Women's Charter so you and I and nearly half the guys in this country got screwed. Its nothing to do with the Mrs. Its the fuckedup half baked Iranian staying in a one room flat in Toa Payoh.

Old Man: You mean Sam Leong. Did he slander you again. Sue the bastard. Take him to court, take him to the cleaners.

Pres: No lah, the prick closed down SBF for good. Without warning somemore. He did it on Tuesday, just like that. I was going to pop a warmed up vadai when I clicked the bookmark on my new MacBook Air. I started choking and Ah Seng and couple of kitchen hands came running up to help me. They tried doing the Heimlick Maneuver but Ah Seng told me later they could not get their arms around me. Then my wife gave a power slap on my back and the vadai flew out.

Old Man: What!!..........(muttering of expletives). I just left the country for the Olympics and the prick has the nerve.

Old Man: Anyway Bro, what has that got to do with you not going home to Ceylon Road.

Pres: Boss, you know he set up this new forum using a new fangled software called Vbulletin. Fucking hard boss. Struggling with it for the whole of last week. Some more, some swine registered my nick. So I decided to sign for a course at one of the private schools in Clemenceau Avenue. Today was my first day.

Old Man: Hey Bro, got any vacancies, I too want to sign up. Age has caught up with us. When Sam set it up 2 months ago, I gave it go. Wahh Lan, talking about Chalat - worse than river crossing at Seletar Camp.

Pres: You got do NS meh.

Old Man: No Lah, Loong told me about it.

Pres: Loong also tried the new SBF?

Old Man: You fucking deaf or what? I am talking about the river crossing.

Pres: What has the river crossing got to with the new SBF forum.

Old Man: Bro, there are days, when I want to kill you with the cheroot of yours. Anyway, got vacancy or not.

Pres: Should have but all mostly from Myanmar and some of the girls chio. Not bad, at break time can chit chat and talk cock. One of the girls has legs that go up all the way to the armpit. Even higher than my waist band of my trousers when I tuck my shirt in.

Old Man: You know they say that VBulletin got all the bells and whistles but you can't locate the posts that are addressed to you. Thats like opening your bedside drawer and finding the condom packet empty just as you got the damn thing standing. Real frustrating at our age.

Pres: Anyway, have to get used to it as we don't want to look uncool and suaku.

Old Man: Did Sam explain why he did it. I know that he is been warning us for more than a year after the arehole of an american Walt Howe kept banning our local chaps.

Pres: Not exactly boss. By the way, we are not the only ones in this shit. There are couple of others in the same boat. They have now created a total of 11 clone SBF forums and 3 are done by the same joe using different nicks.

Old Man: Frankly its time for change. After QXP left, no excitement. It wasn't the same. Many of the old timers stop writing in. Hopefully the change will be helpful.

Pres: By the way, whats with the Houdini act - at the Olympics opening ceremoney and few hours later at the NDP. You trying to make a point or what.

Old Man: You know that Loong mentioned recently that next generation of leaders cannot be identified. So I was thinking maybe I should step in. The country needs me. So I was trying to show the country that I can handle it.

Pres: Boss, before you begin hallucinating, lets grab some supper. I am bit runned down after the classes. Could we pop across to the mama joint next to Holiday Inn for roti prata with fish curry.

Old Man: You are on. You brought wallet or not. I am screwed. Spent all my allowance on Olympics sourvenir, pok kai now.

Pres: No problem as long as you don't order egg one. By the way, did you read Chua Lee Hoong's article last week.

Old Man: No, whats in it.

Pres: Lets get to the mama joint and we can talk about it while wallopping the prata. Stalin would have been proud of her.


Super Moderator
Brand new one bro, just did it. You know me and my archiving ability.

was looking thru' the thread bro LittleRedDot started in the old forum, as well as bro DOM's blog, managed to get these fine pieces in sequence, after deleting those bro JWNY has posted earlier, i only manage to get up till the last count of 20, including your latest piece would be 21... i think it was one of the earliest piece that is missing. too bad i'm only a basic member in the Delphi, and only registered in 06, can't go back in time to retrieve that precious gem.


Episode 19th

Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11.30pm, 24C, breeze from the NE.

Old Man: Hey, Bro! We need to organize our talk cock sessions better. We’ve bad comments from the Sammyboy lot.

Pres: Aiyah! We are going to hit 90 soon, what do they expect from us? Anyway it’s only a talk cock session.
Old Man: Friend, let me remind you that we got image to uphold. Even Choo said our last dialogue was wishy-washy.

Pres: Is Choo still addicted to Sammyboy?

Old Man: She got nothing to do but also I think she is obsessed with QXP tarnishing the family name.

Pres: I thought QXP cooled down and it is now Uncle Yap who’s stirring up things.

Old Man: Uncle Yap is ok, good heart, really wants to do good for the country but don’t know how to go about it.

Pres: Yeah, poor fellow. By the way, heard that hunger strike can drink glucose. That’s news to me.

Old Man: There we go again, drifting all over the place. Don’t worry, I got this Blackberry that has memo features and I have put down the points to discuss.

Pres: Boss, you can’t even see the front of your nose, I want to see how you use the Blackberry.

Old Man: Shadup and listen, Bro. Time is not on our side. We need to talk about slums and the GST increase.

Pres: Boss, what slums? Where? In the 3rd world countries?

Old Man: Bro, right here in Singapore! I know, even I got shocked. After Bukit Ho Swee, I thought we cleaned the whole of Singapore.

Pres: What are you talking about boss? Liak bo giu man!

Old Man: Did you not hear about the email from the FT that is circulating?

Pres: Where got check email? I just want to retire and you drag me back.

Old Man: This guy wrote an email on an issue and referred as a-matter-of-factly of Outram HDB as a slum. The issue was not on the HDB but on another matter. But Singaporeans who read it, picked it out. The other FTs did not even seem to notice. The shocker was that the FT was from India who had been recently posted here. The Singaporeans were naturally aghast and talked among themselves. Guess what was the verdict?

Pres: What Boss?

Old Man: They did agree eventually that HDB neighbourhoods are slowly but surely turning into slums.

Pres: You agree?

Old Man: Nothing to agree Bro, just take a walk. It has been slowly creeping up on us that we did not realize it. I knew then that I should not have stepped down. Let these arseholes run this country and they turn our biggest vote catchment area into a slum!

Pres: Keep going boss, this is news to me.

Old Man: You have become an elite and have lost touch with the man in the street.

Pres: But I still go to East Coast Parkway.

Old Man: Because you keep going there, if not one of the pen-pushers would have turned it into a pasar malam.

Old Man: Just go to any HDB estate. The five foot ways are cluttered. Shop keepers are now displaying goods outside their stores. Some have shelves permanently placed outside. Coffeeshops have extended outside and in some cases are washing their plates and cutlery along the pavement. Itinerant vendors are setting up shops along passageways. Corridors and balconies are now so cluttered even the pigeons have a hard time finding a place to roost for the night. Night markets are common feature, taking up every conceivable space and now encroaching into void decks. Not a blade of grass remains when they leave.

Pres: What the hell are the town councils doing? Shoot the bastards!

Old Man: These guys are constantly dealing with our grassroots leaders who in turn have to please every shopkeeper and businessman. Eventually after saying no, these guys fold. Now that we relaxed the rules on subletting of HDB flats that you now find characters from every 3rd world country coming in.

Pres: Gosh! Can’t we do something about it?

Old Man: Bro, I took a lifetime to clean up Singapore, made sure we were spotless, cleared of the slums, and have clean waterways and clean roads. Now we find that the homes for the majority of our people are turning into slums. I don’t have the energy anymore. So far the newest estates are ok but the rest are going down the drain.

Pres: Are you sure it’s that bad?

Old Man: Aiyha! Just go to Blk 59, Marine Terrace, Ah Goh’s territory. They are washing plates along the walkway. You will be lucky to squeeze through along the shops.

Pres: Now, I get it! We are going to increase GST to pay for the cleanup.

Old Man: No lah! Don’t you read the papers?

Pres: Please! The Shitty Times? Those guys need to grow balls before I start reading their bullshits.

Old Man: I know, some of them stay in HDB flats and they should know it.

Pres: You got that part wrong. Remember you paid them record salaries that they will be caught dead in a HDB flat.

Old Man: Ok, Ok, the GST is to cover the elderly. We are going to have to look after them and the projections for funding are bleak. The question is whether the funding source is appropriate.

Pres: Why not raise taxes for higher income earners?

Old Man: No good, the FTs will leave for HK and lower taxes regimes, our business men will invest elsewhere.

Pres: Why don’t we cut the pays of all superscale civil servants by 10%? That would be a massive windfall for our budget!

Old Man: Also not a good idea, we spoilt them and it’s difficult to backtrack.

Pres: Lets sell the 2 submarines and the annual maintenance fee saved will go a long way!

Old Man: That might help. We may want to sack the dickhead who spent $400K on the renaming exercise and throw his salary in as well.

Pres: Here is a thought. Let’s get Philip Yeo, Ho Ching and TT Durai. These guys are well known for their financial wizardry.

Old Man: You are brilliant. I can see it now. Philip will get an architect to build overnight the world’s largest old folks home and call it Floridapolis, TT will have it fully integrated with casinos, clinics, funeral parlours, etc. Ho Ching will then get all her American advisors from Goldman Sachs to float the whole thing on the NY stock exchange.

Pres: Knowing TT, he will have hubs in every housing estate, all paid for by sponsors and I think I know who the patron is going to be.

Old Man: hehehehehehehe….. Now to see how I can convince Loong.

Pres: Aiyah! Just tell Philip. He never ever follows the rules and I don’t think he is going to change his spots. Though I can’t recall Ho Ching ever sell anything before. She is known for buying things and then…….

Old Man: You are right, change of plans.

Pres: What about you?

Old Man: Pleasse lah! After Suzhou, nobody believes my bullshit. Sigh! If only, Keng Swee, Kim San and Sui Sen were around, they would know what to do.

Pres: Boss, hungry siah! Stomach rumbling liao!

Old Man: Same here Bro. Lets head toward Changi point and go for the Nasi Lemak.

Pres: You are talking my language man! How are we going to get there? No MRT you know.

Old Man: Othman is on the way. We can then stay overnight at Changi Chalet, play sikipauy and then come back early in the morning.
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