I thought the answer should be simple? No free fuck, what is there to talk about?
Why don't they text?
It's an inevitable fact that marriage can change the complexion of previous friendships
By Sumiko Tan
The thing I've noticed since getting married is that I'm getting a lot fewer SMSes these days.
Naturally one reason is that I'm now living with the person who used to send me tonnes of text messages.
(And whereas in the past they were lovingly crafted SMSes about how much he missed me or some witty retort, it's now down to queries in the mode of 'what do you want for dinner babes?', 'Be over @ 10', 'Sure you want wanton mee with no meat?')
But it's been really quiet on other fronts too, in particular SMSes from my single, male friends.
K, a former colleague, and I used to send each other messages just to say hi, to let off steam about office-related woes, or to trade stories about our dogs.
Y, whom I've known for more than a decade through work, was my SMS football buddy.
We would exchange messages during the course of an entire football match. He'd crack stupid jokes and I'll play bimbo female football pundit ('Don't you think Torres looks like a Greek god? I really can't stand Ballack's face.') For a man who really knows his football, he was most tolerant of my inane chatter.
There was also M, whom I met when I was 19 and is now based in New York, who'd surprise me with a funny text out of the blue, or I him.
I've not had a single SMS from anyone of them since, and it's a cause of some hurt, chagrin and sadness for me.
But it's understandable.
On their part, they probably feel it's not 'proper' for a man to SMS a married woman (especially a newly married one), even though our relationships were purely platonic. What if H takes it the wrong way, they probably think.
I, certainly, would raise an eyebrow if a female friend from H's past were to text him.
Or maybe now that I am married, I have lost my charm. (Which means that they weren't such great friendships to begin with, so I shouldn't be down about their SMS silence.)
On my part, I'd feel a bit disloyal to H if I were to message a male friend to share a joke, tell a story or seek words of comfort, unless he is a colleague and the issue is work-related, or the male friend in question is gay.
After all, I've always held the idealised notion that a husband will fulfil a woman's every need. Why's there a need to seek out someone else's company or attention?
Perhaps I've been naive.
People are now marrying later in life, which means we would have formed lots of close friendships before tying the knot, including with members of the opposite sex.
So, can - should - a married woman have good male friends? And should a married man have good female friends?
Perhaps it is all a matter of degree and context.
I think most couples would agree that it's fine to keep friendships which were forged before the marriage.
I would certainly find it unreasonable of H if he were to tell me to cut off ties with male friends who preceded him. (Not that he has.)
But should one draw the line at forming new, meaningful, platonic friendships with the opposite sex after marriage?
And while it must be fine to meet up with an old friend of the opposite sex for coffee or lunch, is it okay if it was dinner? In an intimate setting?
What about going to a concert with said friend, or a football match, or movie, the sort of things you used to do before you became someone's wife? Is that allowed or advisable?
I suppose if H does not share my taste in music or movies or refuses to watch football, he shouldn't kick up a fuss if I choose to go with an old male chum.
But I'd do it only on two conditions: My friend and H must know one another, and H should be fully apprised of what's happening.
Even if they don't become best buddies, they should at least be on friendly terms, and H must give his okay to the 'date'.
Relationship experts say that it's crucial not to hide anything - including friendships - from your spouse as that will be the start of the slide down a slippery slope.
Another rule of thumb: imagine if the tables were turned.
Would I be upset if he were to watch a movie with a female friend? And if I would be (I would be), then should I be doing this to him?
There must also be rules regarding what you talk about when you are with your friend.
Mouthing off about the office or even complaining about the in-laws is fine, but discussing intimate issues related to your spouse is a no-go.
The reality about marriage, I am discovering, is that it changes the dynamics of relationships you had with people when you were a single.
There's a person in your life now and he or she takes No. 1 priority, whether it's your attention or time.
Your lifestyle also changes with marriage, and things that meant a lot to you when you were single (like watching three episodes of CSI at a go) might take a bit of a backseat now.
All this calls for a re-calibration of pre-marriage friendships.
It's not just my single, male friends who have given me a wide berth. It's become a bit awkward with some single, female friends, too.
We've not been meeting as much because I'm, well, busier, but also because all I want to talk about these days is married life, which I know will bore them silly.
Friendships with married friends, on the other hand, have become firmer, for you have now joined their twosome club.
It's all been rather confusing, actually, but I'm sure it'll all settle down once the novelty of me being married wears off, both for myself and my friends.
We all need friends, whether we're single or married, because no matter how wonderful your spouse is, he can't fulfil your every need. People thrive on multiple relationships - with families, spouses, children and friends.
Relationship experts say couples should make time for each other, and make that time a priority. But they should also give each other enough space to fulfil their individual needs, and that means the space to have friends, male and female.
The happiest situation, of course, is if H's social circle dovetails with mine, and we end up being one big, happy family.
I asked H what I should do about my silent friends.
Someone's got to make the first move to renew contact, he said, and it should be the one who got married as she'd changed the status quo.
You should treasure your friends, he added.
So, K, Y and M, you've heard it from him.
It'd be great to hear from you again.
Text me.
Or I'll be texting you.
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