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Ramblings of an inadequate, whiny man
I need advice!Long whiny post ahead to get something off my chest.
I'm kinda tired of the dating game and norm. I have felt inadequate about myself for the past 1 year for not being able to be the provider that women expect and want from a man.
Over my past ~7 years of dating, I have tried to be the provider in my committed relationships.
My first rls was during my time in the army. I became stressed from saving for my uni fees, buying a new laptop, bringing my mom overseas, and paying for dates, flowers, origamis and soft toys. I resorted to selling my possessions on carousell. I brought up to her that I can’t go out that often or spend much anymore. After we broke up, she mentioned that her new bf is happy to spend on each other and they can earn money together even if their savings are drained.
Fast forward to my 2nd last rls, she was more down-to-earth and frugal and would nag at me for spending too much on fancy meals or nice clothes for myself. I would pay for all our dates and expenses. She only bought me a meal once, when I asked for it as thanks for frequently helping out her own business. That, and my birthday, was the only time she treated or bought me stuff in the relationship.
Last rls was with a foreigner. She's not materialistic or a gold digger, but has quite a lifestyle. Between taking her out on dates, drinks, restaurants, cabbing, I just could not keep up.
I paid for the majority of our holiday, meals for her friends that came to visit her in SG, cabbing from my home to pick up and send her home after she clubs, and paying for cabs to send her clubbing friends home.
I was spending close to all my monthly take-home salary. I felt guilty for not using that money to bring my mom on vacation and for saving up for my intended gap year.
I told her I needed to cut down on my spending by not spending on myself as much (cook for myself more than eating out), but I will still pay for our dates. The conversation did not go so well. I felt guilty and told her that she didn't have to buy me any gifts from then on. And that was the last time she did.
After this, I still paid for the majority of our expenses (90%), but there was lingering unhappiness between us about finances, and she would point out every time she paid for us. The first time I requested that she help pay for something, we got into a big fight as she thought that money was my focus instead of the date.
I’m not even expecting 50:50 or taking turns to pay. But to be treated and pampered time to time like a normal partner.
Subsequently, I went out looking for casual rls and FWBs. I paid for the first dates as most men do. If I were lucky, the date would offer to split (which I always decline), but most of the time, they wouldn’t even show gratitude or give a simple thank you for me paying. They seem to take it as an expected thing.
The worst I had experienced was when my first date shoved the receipt at me and said, “You need to pay this, right?” and another lady said, “You are treating,” and just walked outta the restaurant.
I was expected to foot the bill for the hotels too when it's time to do the deed, and the hotel has to be certain standards too. Man, I thought FWBs are friends? Why is the guy expected to pay all for that too? Isn't that just sugar daddy at that point?
My anecdotal experience isn't just limited to Singaporeans. I have dated foreigners here and overseas, and the expectations are kinda the same but worse in other country.
In all my years of dating, I have only met maybe 5 girls who were ok with taking turns to pay, and some of them are my casual partners now who I still see.
The real kicker is that all my committed ex-partners and FWBs earn way more than I do. I do not think any of them is a gold digger (I have no gold to be dug) or that they are wrong for wanting a provider.
Instead, I wish I could provide, and I do blame myself for not having the capabilities.
At the same time I do feel that this whole provider thing is being taken advantage of in this day and age and there could be double standards at time. It’s really difficult to filter out who is just there for a free meal.
I remember a post from sgdating or asksg where a girl was considering ending things with her partner for numerous reasons. What caught my attention was that she was much older than her bf, and she paid for most of the holiday expenses for him (who was just a uni intern), and he was supposed to pay him back, but did not.
In normal circumstances, if a bf is to pay for her gf's holiday expenses, it will be seen as normal, but not vice versa. Heck, if he asked her to pay back, he may be seen as stingy, while it is normal to expect the bf to pay back the gf.
And then there's this whole societal norm where if a girl offers to go Dutch, it means she isn’t interested? And if the guy accepts it means he isn’t interested? So it feels like damn if you do and don’t for the guys, and they are stuck in the paying role?
Next is the argument that you are paying for the Woman’s time. Is the guy not offering his time and companionship on the dates, too? Yes, a girl takes time to get ready, doll up, etc., you pay for the date to show appreciation for their efforts. But SG girls don't even doll up that much.
Tons of men spend time, money, and effort on their appearances, too. Skin care, dressing up, accessories, years in the gym, dieting, and supplements.
It’s 2026. Are we not all about equality and independence? Recently, at a dinner with uni friends, a lady mentioned she wants a provider. When asked why my guy friend was still single, he said he's afraid that his partner will turn out to be materialistic who just wants his money.
The lady retorted that guys who think that way are usually not capable of providing. The room burst into laughter, but I had a lot of “????” flying through my head. Is she not the one wanting someone to provide for her while judging others for not having the capabilities?
Nowadays,I am more selective in my dates, and I will ghost dates that doesnt even say thanks for footing the bill.
I do see more and more Hinge profiles that state that they are looking for a provider or to not swipe them if 50:50 is expected and have ladies that ghost me if and when I state that I will not pay for everything (if conversation does flow there). Now I feel that when time comes, I may not be able to find a partner that shares the same value with me.
I do admit, with my past experience and reading a lot of posts online, I have become tired, scared and insecure that I am not attractive as a man and even have grown some disdain towards certain type of ladies. Thus making me write these kinda retarded posts instead of touching grass on Sunday.
