I feel like I'm loosing my mind
QuestionI (22 M) have been a devout Christian majority of my life but have been having some issues with church. All through my early life, church had basically been second nature to me and Sunday always meant waking up and going to church. Not too many years ago something unfortunate happened which caused us as a family to withdraw for about 3 months. Those 3 months of no church felt slightly relieving to me coz of the tragedy that happened.
I wanted so bad to get back with the rhythm but the catalyst of boarding and fixing somethings in our lives it was all for naught. Come University and the feeling of going to church felt like a drag, I felt so exhausted by the idea alone.
But then In the following year I heard of one of the pastors that had taken us on in our sunday school had been arrested for inappropriate meetings with a minor under the guise of prayer meetings. This broke my "illusion" of pastor being morally upright people, not like I never heard of stories of pastor taking advantage of their position to manipulate vulnerable women but because this hit so close to home that I was Just Disgusted. It made me look at the whole church leadership in a worse light many may think it's unfair to do that but , there were somethings that I chose to ignore because I was at this church for me and God but.....
Our church has always had a problem of having certain predatory nature towards money and leadership. They would sometimes call out the church if the offering was low on a certain week or people didn't contribute for a certain event and such. This never sat right with me as the church should not be use as an excuse to drain our pockets. A matter of fact is that most of the people in leader ship are picked based on their financial status to the point where it sort of breaks some normal conducts. A title of "church elder" was normally given to decons and deconesses of mature age mostly 45 and above. But a person was granted that title at the age of 37 due to how well to do he was. He was known to pump a lot of money into the church, and hence he was given that position in the church.
To get to my point quick. I have no will or enjoyment to attend church anymore, I look at pastors and church systems with such contempt nowadays. My mother is an elder as well in the church, as a sole provider of the home she has to balance a 9-5, midweek services, elder meetings, Overnight prayers, early morning Saturday prayers, women's meetings and some other family things all while having and ailing Mom. For her the act of going to Sunday service refreshes her but the other technicalities and extra services in the week burden her because her position requires her to attend all of it. She complains too but because of her upbringing, it has developed into some sort of a codependent relationship with church
I don't want to go to church anymore but I still wish to explore my journey with God and pursue him further but I don't want to have to go to church for it, I know this because I have a friend that I discuss the Bible with and it genuinely just makes my day better every time. I can't speak to anyone coz everyone knows everyone and people talk, so i kept it to myself. My mom forces me to go because she says it's "good for me" but only a husk attends, I leave feeling unchanged and unmotivated, I feel drained rather than refreshed and my mom just doesn't see it and keeps insisting on me going with her. There were times where I flat out refused but she still keeps insisting. If I brought this up with her she would probably say something along the lines of "It's the devil holding our family back".
Can someone help me out? how can I circumvent this situation? I am genuinely stumped? or am I just being dramatic and need to be called out for my behaviour?
