The little boy's mother had been away for a week's conference and on returning she asked her son how he'd been.
"OK," said Ben. "Except there was dreadful thunder and lightning on Tuesday night so me and Daddy snuggled up in the same bed."
"You mean Daddy and I," said his young nanny.
"Oh no," said the boy, "that was Wednesday night, don't you remember?"
Two old ladies talking over half a mild in the local pub.
“Did you hear old Sid had a massive stroke?” said one.
“Oh yes,” said the other.
“Everyone knew, that’s why he was so popular with the ladies.”
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. “You did a great job.” he said and handed the man a check. “Also, in order to thank-you, here’s an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.”
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something”?
“Nope.” replied the painter. “I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”
Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...and cold, too!"
"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"
The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad's.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud, "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"
My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough.”
Sister Mary Margaret enters O ‘Flynn’s liquor shop.
“I’d like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey”, she tells O ‘Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. “A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too.”
“Oh no, no,” Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. “It’s for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know.”
O’Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O’Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She’s rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
“Sister!” O’Flynn scolds. “And you said it was for Father Reilly’s constipation.”
“It is,” answers Sister Mary Margaret. “When he sees me, he’s gonna shit!”
