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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
“Fiscal Cliff” in perspective.
Lesson # 1:
* U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt: $1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000
Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:
* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts so far: $38.50
Got It ??..... OK now,
Lesson # 2:
Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:
Let's say, You come home from work and find
there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood ...
and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling.
What do you think you should do ...
Raise the ceiling or remove the shit?
Lesson # 1:
* U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt: $1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000
Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:
* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts so far: $38.50
Got It ??..... OK now,
Lesson # 2:
Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:
Let's say, You come home from work and find
there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood ...
and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling.
What do you think you should do ...
Raise the ceiling or remove the shit?
When a factory was burning down, the aged owner of the building was there weeping aloud at his loss.
"Dad, what are you weeping for?" said his son.
"Have you forgotten that we sold the factory four days ago?"
That instantly stopped the old man's tears.
All grief - no matter what the occasion - is for self.
"Dad, what are you weeping for?" said his son.
"Have you forgotten that we sold the factory four days ago?"
That instantly stopped the old man's tears.
All grief - no matter what the occasion - is for self.
That describes exactly what the Americans are face with and their solution. Quite moronic.
God Has Such a Sense of Humor
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do. She called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said: "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said: "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, ridden by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought: "This is what you sent to help me?" However, she was desperate. She was also very thankful! The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I 've locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said: "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute, the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said: "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied: "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud: "Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!!"
Is GOD good or what!!??
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do. She called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said: "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said: "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, ridden by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought: "This is what you sent to help me?" However, she was desperate. She was also very thankful! The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I 've locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said: "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute, the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said: "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied: "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud: "Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!!"
Is GOD good or what!!??
Love your latest avatar yy
More Irish "think tank":p
in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya
fookin idiot!" [/B][/I]
A woman in the grocery department of a super-market bend down to pick up some tomatoes.
At that moment she felt a sharp pain shooting down her back: she became immobilized and let out a shriek.
A shopper standing next to her leaned over knowingly and said, "If you think tomatoes are bad, you should
see the price of the fish!"
At that moment she felt a sharp pain shooting down her back: she became immobilized and let out a shriek.
A shopper standing next to her leaned over knowingly and said, "If you think tomatoes are bad, you should
see the price of the fish!"
How could that be, we were told to eat fish instead of meat!
Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.
Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."
"Great," said the teacher.
Michael got up and said "My Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."
"Good," said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute."
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."
"No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door."
Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch. Mary noticed that Sue was walking bow legged and asked what the problem was. Sue replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied, "I know. I know."
The attractive Yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was talking to one of the wives over drinks. "I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising darling, considering the number of times you've been inoculated."
Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."
"Great," said the teacher.
Michael got up and said "My Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."
"Good," said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute."
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."
"No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door."
Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch. Mary noticed that Sue was walking bow legged and asked what the problem was. Sue replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."
Mary replied, "I know. I know."
The attractive Yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was talking to one of the wives over drinks. "I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising darling, considering the number of times you've been inoculated."
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!”
She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!”
“Of course, Sister,” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.
He heard the following, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!”
__________________
She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!”
She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!”
“Of course, Sister,” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.
He heard the following, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!”
__________________
Wah piangzz leh! This is my life story.
Mine too bro.
Men
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one
Around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their
Luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off
If the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their
Mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive
Clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have
something To wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress
Beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always
just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still
Expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't
Believe you.
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one
Around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their
Luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off
If the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their
Mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive
Clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have
something To wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress
Beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always
just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still
Expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't
Believe you.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
"And we lived happily ever after".
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
"And we lived happily ever after".
Contortions are not doing any good to my bad back :o:p
I'm available should you require stand ins.
Just as your nick precedes your repute? :p
My problem's not with stand-ins, but errr...rather cannot stand up :o :p
Future Smartphones: iPhone 6, iPhone7, iPhone 8
The iPhones of the future will no longer feature multiple screens, because all the apps you can install fits perfectly in the main screen (because it’s so large). Too bad the phone does not fit in the pocket anymore.
The iPhones of the future will no longer feature multiple screens, because all the apps you can install fits perfectly in the main screen (because it’s so large). Too bad the phone does not fit in the pocket anymore.
Still on to the future iPhones
The Lightning Connector is the perfect tool to transform 2 future iPhones into a pair of cool Nunchucks. Bruce Lee can play Angry Birds while he’s defeating his enemies on this one.
iPhone 101 is the tallest iPhone in the world. It’s so tall that you can see it from a plane. I wonder how tall is iPhone 102. But, you can still hold it with one hand perfectly, even if you can’t move it anymore.
The Lightning Connector is the perfect tool to transform 2 future iPhones into a pair of cool Nunchucks. Bruce Lee can play Angry Birds while he’s defeating his enemies on this one.
iPhone 101 is the tallest iPhone in the world. It’s so tall that you can see it from a plane. I wonder how tall is iPhone 102. But, you can still hold it with one hand perfectly, even if you can’t move it anymore.
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