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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
My 1 day employment
So after landing my new job as a Wai-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wai-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?
The ugly woman stopped yelling tong enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9,and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind,or stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wai-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
So after landing my new job as a Wai-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wai-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?
The ugly woman stopped yelling tong enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9,and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind,or stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wai-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It
was very hot. They were perspiring and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and
jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few
berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, along came a group of ladies from
town.Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese
covered their privates and the Chinese covered his face while they ran
for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on
the American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his
face rather than his privates.
The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's my
face that people would recognize.
was very hot. They were perspiring and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and
jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few
berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, along came a group of ladies from
town.Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese
covered their privates and the Chinese covered his face while they ran
for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on
the American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his
face rather than his privates.
The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's my
face that people would recognize.
So much for Fairy Tales he! haw!-----
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence , 22 year old white male, with fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as the 'Best come-back line ever.'
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence , 22 year old white male, with fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as the 'Best come-back line ever.'
INSTALLING HUSBAND (MUST READ)
A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6..5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
__________________________________________________
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: i thought you loved me. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6..5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Woman
__________________________________________________
DEAR DESPERATE Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: i thought you loved me. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!
Tech Support
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
BENEFITS OF GETTING OLD..........
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too.
Don 't laugh.... It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live 'without sex
but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of braincells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
ONE MORE THING:
Never,under any circumstances,take a sleeping pill,and a laxative on the same night!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too.
Don 't laugh.... It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live 'without sex
but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of braincells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
ONE MORE THING:
Never,under any circumstances,take a sleeping pill,and a laxative on the same night!
Driving to work this morning on the M8 motorway, a guy looked over and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles an hour in the outside lane!
With her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
He looked away for a couple of seconds and when he looked back she was
halfway over in his lane still working on that makeup! It scared him (and this
coming from a bloke....) so much that he dropped his electric shaver, which
knocked the bacon roll out of his other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten up the car using his knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked his mobile from his ear, which fell into the coffee between his
legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JOHN AND THE TWINS, causing him to
scream, which made him drop the cigarette out of his mouth, which ruined his shirt
and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
Damn Women Drivers!!!!!!!
With her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
He looked away for a couple of seconds and when he looked back she was
halfway over in his lane still working on that makeup! It scared him (and this
coming from a bloke....) so much that he dropped his electric shaver, which
knocked the bacon roll out of his other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten up the car using his knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked his mobile from his ear, which fell into the coffee between his
legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JOHN AND THE TWINS, causing him to
scream, which made him drop the cigarette out of his mouth, which ruined his shirt
and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
Damn Women Drivers!!!!!!!
Air India
Surinder Singh's uncle was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay .
But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, 'I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!'
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal.
The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food. 'Excuse me, what is that drink?' he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, 'Milk of India !'
Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
'And what is that dish?' asked the curious American. 'Wheat of India !' replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
What is it?' asked the American. 'Sweets of India !' replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud 'pooooooooot!' sound from the uncle.
'What was that?' asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, 'That's Air India .'
Surinder Singh's uncle was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay .
But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, 'I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!'
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal.
The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food. 'Excuse me, what is that drink?' he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, 'Milk of India !'
Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
'And what is that dish?' asked the curious American. 'Wheat of India !' replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
What is it?' asked the American. 'Sweets of India !' replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud 'pooooooooot!' sound from the uncle.
'What was that?' asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, 'That's Air India .'
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was
trying to make use ofher psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, 'Everyone whothinks they're
stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little
Johnnystood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think
you're stupid, Little Johnny?''No, ma'am,
but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
trying to make use ofher psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, 'Everyone whothinks they're
stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little
Johnnystood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think
you're stupid, Little Johnny?''No, ma'am,
but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
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