All Alone?
"I'm gonna throw up," I told my friend Laura. It was getting close to my time to run the 800-meter race, but I wondered if I'd even make it onto the track.
"You'll be fine!" she said, rolling her eyes in irritation. "Why do you still get so nervous? This is like your sixth track meet, isn't it? Just take a deep breath, and calm down."
"It's not that easy," I said, holding out my shaking hand so she could see how unsteady I felt. "My nerves are shot, my legs are all rubbery, and my heart's beating so fast, it feels like it's gonna explode."
"OK, I'm a little confused here," Laura said. "You've been a jittery mess before every meet. Why did you join the track team, anyway?"
I knew exactly why I'd joined. I was seeking acceptance and praise from my Dad. But it was hard to get his attention. I'd spent my entire childhood sitting in the shadow of my older brother, Dan, who was a jock, a brain, and Mr. Ultimate Cool Guy. He had it all.
I, on the other hand, wrestled with pudginess, pimples, and a horrible case of the "super shys." I mostly kept to myself all through middle school. Thankfully, by the time I started high school, I had slimmed down, discovered Noxema and become a little more outgoing. But none of that could help my sloppy running form and two left feet. I was not an athlete, but I desperately wanted to be one. I wanted to prove to my family—and to myself—that I was worth something.
Trying to get over my extreme nausea, I found a shady patch of ground and plopped down on the dead brown crispy grass. I leaned my cheek against the water cooler and closed my eyes. As I listened to the screams and whistles of exuberant track fans, my mind drifted back to a few years earlier. Mom and Dad had brought me to the track to watch Dan compete—and inevitably win. At every meet, he whizzed by, barely out of breath, effortlessly passing his competition. He made it look so easy.
Dan's victories always thrilled Dad, who had also been a high school track star. I personally never liked the concept of competition. In order to have a winner, there had to be a loser, and that didn't seem right to me. Nevertheless, in order to hopefully bring home a trophy for Dad, I was willing to face my fears and compete. Or so I thought.
"Are you gonna be able to run?" Laura asked, snapping me out of my trance.
"You still seem wobbly."
"I'm fine," I said, using the sleeve of my T-shirt to wipe sweat from my forehead.
"You don't look fine," Laura said.
A tear trickled down my cheek.
Laura bent down and put her hand on my shoulder. "What's wrong, Christy?"
"I just feel so alone," I admitted softly, my voice cracking.
"Why?" Laura asked. "I'm here. And your parents are up in the stands. …"
"No," I interrupted. "I don't mean like that. I mean I don't feel like I have a thing—nothing that I'm good at or can be proud of or whatever. I'd hoped high school would be different, but it's not. I'm still not talented or popular or anything. I'm just alone."
Laura gently squeezed my hand. "I promise you, Christy—you're not alone," she said. "Remember what we talked about in youth group a few weeks ago? God is with you always. When you're out there running," she said, motioning toward the track, "the Holy Spirit is running next to you, nudging you along and giving you support."
Just then the announcer called my race.
"That's me," I said. "I'd better go line up."
Laura leaned in and gave me a hug. "You'll be fine," she said. "Just remember what I told you."
As I stepped onto the track, my upset stomach gurgled in nervous anticipation. I tried to reflect on what Laura had said, but the scorching hot weather left me feeling faint and even more nauseated.
I leaned down to tighten my shoelaces, then glanced up at the bleachers and spotted my parents, who were waving and shouting, "Good luck, honey! You can do it!" Their enthusiasm made me more nervous. I could feel my stomach knotting up.
Oh, no! I panicked. They seem extra excited today—like they're expecting me to win this time. What will they think of me if I lose again? I don't wanna let them down—I can't. I just can't!
My mind raced with tons of anxious thoughts—so many, in fact, that I didn't hear the starting gun.
Suddenly everyone darted off in front of me.
What's going on???? I wondered. Instinctively, I started after them. Come on! I told myself as I frantically tried to catch up to the pack. You can do this! Don't give up!
As tingling sweat ran down my face and neck, my legs felt like they were full of lead. Move it, stupid feet. Get going! As the girls in front of me steadily pulled away, my energy faded. My body weakened, my breathing quickened, my pace slowed, and my hope sank.
I'm gonna lose, I thought as I pathetically panted along. And not only that, I'm gonna come in dead last! Just please, Lord, whatever happens, don't let me get lapped. I would die of embarrassment!
I tried to calm my fears by thinking of comforting Scripture like Hebrews 13:6: "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid." But it was hard to concentrate as my energy waned.
Rounding a corner, I heard Laura cheering like a maniac.
"Way to go, Christy! Woo hoo!"
I suddenly recalled what Laura said about God running with me. Then I remembered something my minister had said a few months back about how the Holy Spirit is always beside us as we journey through life. He'd said something like, "The Holy Spirit is sometimes called a 'Paraclete,' meaning one who runs beside. He strengthens us, keeps us faithful, and comforts us every day."
It was comforting to think that I was never alone. The Holy Spirit was running beside me not just this day, but every day.
All of a sudden, I felt a change within myself. From the stands, it probably looked like my burst of energy was due to a gust of wind or even an intense fear of losing, but I knew differently. Suddenly I was filled with overwhelming peace. I no longer felt alone or afraid. Instead, I felt confident.
I kicked it into high gear, picked up my feet, swung my arms as fast as I could, and broke into an all-out sprint. I passed one girl, then another. Three girls were still in front of me, so I knew I wouldn't win. But for some reason, I didn't feel like a loser. I felt victorious!
I breathlessly crossed the finish line in fourth place, and Mom, Dad and Laura immediately rushed to my side.
"You were awesome!" Laura screamed, giving me a huge hug.
To my astonishment, my parents were equally proud.
"I clocked you, sweetie!" Dad exclaimed, holding up his stopwatch to show me the frozen number. "That was your fastest time ever."
"Really?" I asked incredulously. I couldn't believe it. "I'm so glad you all came out to support me. It means so much to me."
"Are you kidding?" Mom said. "We wouldn't dare let you run all alone."
I guess Mom didn't know. I wasn't alone. Thankfully, I never will be