Jokes for laugh

[birdie8819]

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?

A: You can also sit upright in a car.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"National Condom Week?"

Lumberjack Condoms
For the woody that won't be cut down.

Sprout Condoms
Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!

Helium Condoms
For those flaccid moments when you just want a lift...

KFC Condoms
When you just need to :wing" it.

ASPCA Condoms
For that lil' pup in you!

Howdy Doody Condoms
When you know "what time it is!"

Lassie Condoms
When you know she's a bitch, but you're gonna do her anyway.

George W. Bush Condoms
When "Junior" wants to take over!

Yawn Condoms
When you're bored stiff.

Memory Condoms
When it's on the tip of your tongue.

Electrical Condoms
Cures the shorts in your pants!

 

[BlueCat]

birdie8819 didi,
you are super duper good lah.

 

[hungary fighter]

Clintons Lawn

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning.
The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a
light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and
goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White
House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks"
written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and
calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't
care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to
the President and tells him that he has good news, bad
news, and real bad news.

"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then
the bad news, and then the real bad news."

The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis
of the pee, we know who the culprit is."

Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news
is the culprit is Vice President Gore."

This really upsets the President, but he controls his
anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's
hand writing".

 

[ah rat]

Story 1
Ah Lian ask shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell
stocking up to knee, boh?
Ah Chek : Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to
'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the
'nee'(breast) one.

Story 2
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove
to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there
Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of
his new car to his girlfriend. 'This is ah, so
fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!'
'Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!' said Ah Lian.
'Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely
easy to drive!.'
So Ah Lian said, 'Let me try! I wan, I wan!'
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted
the gear and floored the & accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and
crashed into the lamp-post.
'Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see
lah!
Wah Piang eh!' screamed Ah Beng.
'Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor,
'R' for racing mah!'*


Story 3
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't
enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers
to jump into the icy waters to make room for
women and children.
To the British he said. 'You must act like
gentlemen.' They jumped.
To the Americans he said, 'You can be heroes.'
They complied.
To the Germans he said, 'It'! s the rule.'
They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said,' It's the consensus.'
They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just
weren't budging until he came up with the
appeal: 'Free life jackets for those who
jumped.'


Story 4
3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at
the army supply base to collect underwear. The
sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you
need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah! Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat &
Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many
underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday
I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many
underwears dah dei?
Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why
you need so many for?
Tambi: January, February, March.....One month
one.


Story 5
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped
into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the
song 'Ah Cheng Buey RoTi' (In Hokkien means Ah
Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them that they
only have English songs and told them to
re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were very
angry and kicked up a bigfuss, claiming the DJ
was insulting them. The manager had to
intervene in order to calm them down. Finally,
after long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager
found out that Ah Bengs actually asking for
the song 'Unchained Melody' by the Righteous
Brothers.


Story 6
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the
20th storey and want to get down to the ground
floor. As they looked at the dial, they could
see the number 20 down to number 2. It was
then followed by a G. As they not
English-educated, they were puzzled and had no
idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one
of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When
they finally reached the ground floor, the
other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the
first Ah Lian, 'Wah low!!!, how you know one?'
The first Ah Lian reply smugly, 'Easy lah.. G
for Gero mah...'


Story 7
Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated
from Law school and decided to apply for a job
in the most prestigious 'Lee & Lee Law Firm'
During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at
Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and
said, 'Well, I would need to discuss your
application with my wife.'
And went off to discuss Santa's application
with his wife. Lee KY's wife said, 'C'mon,
don't you know that we only hire lawyers with
surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course,
we can't hire Santa Singh!'
So Lee ! KY told the bad news to Santa Singh
about his rejection.
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the
same company and request for another interview
and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already
told you that we only hire.......'
when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I
know, I know. I have just changed my name.
Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and
asked, 'What is your new name then?'
On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname Lee,
Last name, Manga!' (Manga-Lee)

 

[zikoman]

How the Beijing2008 logo was designed.....

 

[Himerus]

uncle,
a very good one from you.

 

[hungary fighter]

After Work Cocktail

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail
when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his
eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly
attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before
he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the
young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked
what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words." The man considered her proposition for a moment,
withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted
out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young
woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully
said, "Paint my house."

 

[zack123]

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED.....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive..
so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....
**************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too' .......And then the fight
started.....
******************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....
**********************

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
**********************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
And then the fight started.....

 

[zack123]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing ...." replied the drunk

 

[zack123]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" ... So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a m&d pack and looked great for two days.
Then the m&d fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump right in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"


Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it.........this is the good old days
when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun

 

[hungary fighter]

Elephant Dick

Jack went to a urologist and told the doctor that he
was having a problem. "Well, doctor. I am having trouble
gaining and keeping an erection, but I never had any
trouble before I got very sick a while ago."

After a complete exam the doctor determined that the
muscles around the base of his manhood were damaged
from a prior viral infection and there was little or
nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an
experimental treatment that might be applicable, if
Jack were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted
of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk
to replace the damaged tissue. Jack thought about it
for a while. He was a young man, and the thought of
going through life without ever experiencing sex again
was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on
the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the
green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As
a result, he planned a romantic evening with his young
wife and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in
the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a
stirring between his legs that continued to the point
of being extremely painful. To release the pressure,
Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his equipment
sprung from his pants, rose to the top of the table,
grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His wife was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile
on her face said, "Jack, that was incredible. Can you
do that again?" Jack, with his eyes watering, replied,
"I think I can, but I'm not sure I can fit another roll
up my ass."

 

[hungary fighter]

Lonely Gorilla

A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his
mate for several months and was really horny.

One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal
keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the
bars apart and screw the first thing he could find.

As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came
upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't
thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself
he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed
the lion and screwed it.

Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was
really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla
through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The
gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a
newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat
down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of
him like he was reading it.

When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park
bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he
asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by. From
behind the paper, the gorilla said, "You mean the one
that screwed the lion?" The lion shook his head and
shouted, "Oh No! It's already in the papers!"

 

[hungary fighter]

The Fishing Trip

A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon,
after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather
opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather
looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long
enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "NO!"

"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.

A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather
lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied,
"Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again
the grandson replied, "NO!"

"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the
grandfather.

About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so
the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home.
On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought
two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa
scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson
scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy
and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked,
"Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?"
The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your
penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked
at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"

"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.

 

[VBScripts]

The BEST laugh I've had in a while!

John asks his grandpa: 'Do you still have sex with Granny?'

Grandpa says: 'Yes, but only Oral'.

John says: 'what is oral?'

Grandpa: 'I say F**k you, and she says:F**k you too'

___________________________________________________________


The 3 tragedies in a man's life:

1- life sucks

2- job sucks

3- Wife does NOT!

___________________________________________________________


A man is dying of cancer.

His son: 'Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??'..

Answer: 'so that when I die, no one will dare to f**k your mother.'

___________________________________________________________


'I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.

Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.

The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in
it'
___________________________________________________________



YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.

TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!

___________________________________________________________



Question: 'Why is a waist called a waist?'

Answer: 'Because anything above the p**sy and below the tits is a waste'

___________________________________________________________


A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just like at the
dinner table'.

The man climbs into bed slowly and says:

'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'

___________________________________________________________



Question: 'what's common between a good-looking, faithful, rich
husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?'

'BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND'

 

[VBScripts]

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a
bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,
and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh

 

[birdie8819]

Nice jokes from my two uncles ..... Uncle Ziko and Uncle VB !!! :p :p :p

 

[hungary fighter]

Differences

An eight year old boy comes home from school and says
"Daddy! Daddy! What is the difference between a pussy
and a cunt?"

The dad says, "No, I can't tell you that! You're too
young!"

The son goes, "NO I'm not daddy! Please tell me."

So the father says alright and takes the boy into the
bedroom.

When they walk into the room, the boys mother is fast
asleep.

So the dad pulls back the covers, and like always, the
mother is lying there without any panties on.

The father points in between her legs and says, "You
see that? That's a pussy!"

The son asks, "Oooo! Can I pet it?"

The father replies, "NO! You'll wake up the cunt!"

 

[hungary fighter]

Wheat Toast

This couple was worried about the size of their young
son's penis, so they consulted a doctor. The doctor
told them that the only thing he knew of that would
correct this problem was for them to feed their son
wheat toast for breakfast. The next morning the son
came to the breakfast table where he saw a plate on
the table with a huge stack of wheat toast on it. He
asked his mother what the big stack of toast was for.
His mother replied, "The top two slices are for you
and the rest is for your Dad".

 

[eeoror88]

Wheat Toast

This couple was worried about the size of their young
son's penis, so they consulted a doctor. The doctor
told them that the only thing he knew of that would
correct this problem was for them to feed their son
wheat toast for breakfast. The next morning the son
came to the breakfast table where he saw a plate on
the table with a huge stack of wheat toast on it. He
asked his mother what the big stack of toast was for.
His mother replied, "The top two slices are for you
and the rest is for your Dad".

Wahhaha !!

Hungry Fucker, you are really a joker !!

 

[hungary fighter]

Wahhaha !!

Hungry Fucker, you are really a joker !!

& u r a funny fuker.....