In step

[RiverOL]

Breaking the Patterns That Keep You in a Rut​

Many of my clients sit down in my office and complain that they are stuck in a rut. It may not be full blown depression, but they just can’t find pleasure in day-to-day activities, their job, or their relationships. Kelly, 43, is a teacher and she’s married with two teenagers. She often says that she wants to feel better but doesn’t know where to start.

Kelly put it like this: “I’m not really old enough for a mid-life crisis but I just can’t get my groove back after my dad died last year. I tell myself that it wasn’t fair that he died in his mid- sixties. On the surface, my life is good with a family, home, and job. But I rarely find joy in daily events and tasks and I don’t seem to be able to finish projects that I start. This leaves me feeling disappointed in myself and discouraged so I stay home rather than go out with friends or my husband.”

In an April article for The Gottman Institute’s blog, Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart offers readers advice on how to disrupt the negative patterns so many of easily fall into. Approaching the subject from a psychological perspective, she analyzes the ways in which we learn — that is to say the ways in which we are conditioned to fall into transgressive cyclical behaviors that reinforce themselves over time.

Dr. Lockhart essential belief is that negative learned behaviors are just as easy to develop as positive one. Indeed, she describes repetitive, learned behaviors as the product as a sort of practice that can be channeled to positive ends. Engaging in repetitive thought processes, for example, can follow one of two tracks: “positive affirmation or negative self-statements,” according to Dr. Lockhart.


The natural conclusion that she draws on the ways that we can effectively condition ourselves to reinforce and then repeat positive, productive behaviors is quite liberating. We have control over ourselves, and our thoughts, actions and characteristic behavioral traits can be improved and made positive through practice.

Dr. Lockhart then outlines five practical steps to enable “breaking the cycle.” She writes that “Whatever the reason, these all play a role in the repetition of cycles. Here are some ways to work through them so the cycles you are engaged in actually benefit and help you, rather than hurt you.” Her five steps require diligence and patience, but will soon become second nature.

First, she counsels reader to “make a record of patterns of behaviors. You can do this through video recording, journaling, or sharing your journey with others (i.e, podcasts, blogging, social media).” This initial step will open the door to those that follow.

Next, Dr. Lockhart asks that people identify their “triggers,” or as she puts it, the “things that really grind your gears and things that you have an exaggerated emotional or mental reaction to beyond what should be expected.” Identifying triggers will unlock the next of Dr. Lockhart’s five steps: understanding your response to your triggers. Step three may be something you do every day, such as overeat or spend too much time sleeping.


Step four is “developing a hypothesis.” In other words, reflect on your patterns of behavior and thought, including your history of these patterns, as a way to better evaluate that root causes of any negative cycles that have formed. And finally, Dr. Lockhart suggests that unpacking these issues will help lead to a better understanding of whether and how these learned behaviors serve you — or work against your personal growth, emotional health, and ultimately your happiness.

Finally, Dr. Lockhart offers step five which is to ask yourself: “Is this behavior you are engaging in serving you? Also, do these behaviors make you a better person or hold you back from being your best self?

When I went through these five stages with Kelly, she was able to identify spending too much time on social media as a negative behavior which had increased since her father’s death. Next, one of her main triggers was feeling tired and sad about her loss which caused her to want to connect with people online rather than in person. Her hypothesis then became “Since my father’s death, I’ve felt sad about losing him so I increased my screen time and thought that would feel better. In reality, I feel more isolated and lonelier.”


After engaging in this step-by-step analysis, Kelly was able to set a goal to cut screen time down to one hour a day (from three hours), add one hour of physical exercise such as walking or riding her bike, and to spend more face-to face time with family and friends. As a result she was able to get out of her rut, felt more connected to others, and her mood became more positive over time.

 

[RiverOL]

Here’s What Happens When You Assume the Worst​

Do you have “psychic-wife syndrome” or PWS? If you’re among the millions of wives who think you can read minds, maybe you should think again.


Mind reading is when you assume you know what your husband is thinking or feeling without him saying a word.

It’s as if you can look into his mind and know his intentions without evidence or details. And if you’re like me, you usually assume the worst.

Here’s what happens when you assume the worst.

Early in my marriage, I was a physic wife. I had a bad habit of mind reading.

He’d bring me flowers or do something nice for me, and I’d get mad because I’d read his mind. I know what he wants.

He’d come home late, and I’d get mad because I’d read his mind: He’s rude. He doesn’t care about me.

Obviously it wasn’t true. I quickly found out mind reading can wreck your marriage.

He’s didn’t say he was going to be late for dinner so obviously he takes me for granted.

He didn’t help with the kids last night so he’s a jerk who thinks I should do all the work.

He doesn’t want to talk so he’s doesn’t care about our relationship.

Maybe he was frustrated because his boss cornered him on his way out the door.

Or he enjoys spending time with the kids but had a long day at work and was tired.

Or he cares about your marriage, but he’s trying to process how he’s going to pay the bills and put new tires on the car before winter.

He may have a number of legitimate explanations. But you won’t know because you’ve assumed the worst.

Assume the worst and you’ll see the worst​

If you think your husband is out to get you or he doesn’t care about your feelings, you’re going to interpret his actions as a sign he’s out to get you or he doesn’t care about you. And you’ll treat him accordingly.

Assumptions create conflict and increase tension. Assumptions stifle intimacy. Assumptions create misunderstanding.

The best way to combat “psychic wife syndrome” is to hang up your crystal ball and wait for an explanation.

While you wait, you can choose your thoughts and perspective. Just as you can train yourself to assume the worst, you can train yourself to assume the best.

You can choose to have positive thoughts and a positive perspective.

Negative assumptions can affect intimacy in your marriage. No one likes to be falsely accused. It’s hurtful.

If you assume the worst about your husband, you’ll see the worst.

If you assume your husband doesn’t care about you, you’ll attribute his actions to selfishness and insensitivity.

If you assume he should know what you’re thinking and what you need, think again.

If you adjust your perspective to expect the best, you’ll see the best.

So stop assuming the worst and expect the best.

Here’s how to stop assuming the worst:

1. Decide to reserve judgment until you get details.
2. Before jumping to conclusions or getting defensive, wait for clarification.
3. Assume he cares about you and focus on what he does well.

If you want to assume, assume your husband loves you and wants what’s best for you.

When you assume the best, you create harmony and cut down on conflict.

 

[RiverOL]

[td] Alone at Work?​ ​ ​

[td] Whoever isolates himself . . . breaks out against all sound judgment—Proverbs 18:1​ ​ ​

[td] Work is a place where we men are apt to live, not as our true selves, but rather as carefully crafted and false versions of ourselves. Work is a “compartment” where we try to be, not who God created us to be, but images we create all by ourselves. Why? What makes work different? Well, at work, the prevailing culture is too often (and too much) self-focused: outperform, get promoted, achieve, get ahead. It is too often permeated by greed, pride, and narcissism. When we live according to the prevailing culture of work, we hide our true selves, for exposing ourselves would upset our plans to build our images (and our careers). So, we protect our images by cutting ourselves off. We don’t let anyone in on our fears, struggles, pain, excitement, victories, joy. This is foolish, given that many of us spend more of our waking hours at work, with work colleagues, than we do away from work, with loved ones and close friends. Living according to the prevailing culture of work can transform our workplaces into dismal, desolate places of adversaries and mere acquaintances. Workplace relationships become characterized by superficiality and materiality. Spending years under such conditions leads to cynicism and apathy, burnout and bad choices. Purpose and meaning fade. We protect our images, but we lose ourselves.​ ​ ​

[td] Okay, so what do we do? Betray the prevailing culture, brother (Philippians 2:3-4). But don’t do it alone. Track down at least a couple trusted friends at your workplace and begin to fight for one another, keep each other accountable, keep each other humble, be transparent with one another, confess and repent to one another, pray together, laugh and lament together. Set up regular lunches. Grab coffee together, weekly. Start a regular prayer group or a company Bible study.​ ​ ​

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[RiverOL]

[td] Family Big Enough?​ ​ ​

[td] . . . a threefold cord is not quickly broken—Ecclesiastes 4:12​ ​ ​

[td] In the family context, building community means building expanded families around our existing, immediate families. These family “expanders” are trusted friends—followers of our King, Jesus Christ—who know us, know our kids (if we have them), know our wives (or girlfriends or fiancées), and know about our parents and siblings. They know the stories of our families and the stories of the individuals within our families. They connect long-term, across generations. They know the good and bad—and still choose to share our lives: meals, recreation, celebrations, holidays, traditions. Why do we need them? Well, life together is hard—hard for adults, hard for kids. We all need all the help we can get. And, if we’re not proactive and intentional in securing help, it either won’t come or it’ll come, but from places less-than-ideal. Parents can get isolated—or be too much influenced by prevailing culture. Kids can get too little direction—or be too much influenced by peers or unprincipled adults. No, it’s critical that we be proactive and intentional. The Apostle Paul wrote: “if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). If we are proactive and intentional, though, we can influence just who’s going to influence our families—ensure the right people are supporting, encouraging, and challenging us as fathers, husbands, sons, brothers; and the right people are speaking truth into our kids.​ ​ ​

[td] Okay, so what do we do? Expanded families aren’t built without work. They take investment and reciprocity. No one will share our lives if we don’t share in theirs, too. Pray today, brother, about who should be in your expanded family. Reach out to them. Be explicit. If they buy-in, co-develop a practical plan to connect more closely.​ ​ ​

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[RiverOL]

Jesus Was Not Where He Was Supposed To Be​

John 20:1-7:


“Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!

Jesus was not where He was supposed to be!​

The passage goes on:

“So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter came along behind him and went straight into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the cloth that had been wrapped around Jesus’ head. The cloth was still lying in its place, separate from the linen.

But Jesus was not where He was supposed to be!​

Maybe it’s surprising to think about, but this was not unusual for Jesus. He was often not where He was supposed to be. This habit began when he was just a child.


“Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom. After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day”.

But Jesus was not where He was supposed to be!​

“Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, ‘Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.’

“‘Why were you searching for me?” he asked. ‘Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?’ But they did not understand what he was saying to them” (Luke 2:41-50).

In John, Chapter 8, Jesus is again in the temple courts, this time as an adult. The people begin to question His testimony and accuse Him of being demon-possessed.


“‘Very truly I tell you,’ Jesus [finally] answered, ‘before Abraham was born, I am!’ At this, they picked up stones to stone him, but Jesus hid himself, slipping away from the temple grounds.”

When they drew up to throw the stones, Jesus had disappeared.

Jesus was not where He was supposed to be. ​

One day, Jesus’ friend Lazarus lay sick unto death:

“Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) So the sisters sent word to Jesus, ‘Lord, the one you love is sick.’”

From John 11: “When he heard this, Jesus said, ‘This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.’ Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days …”

Wait. What? He didn’t immediately go to Lazarus, a friend and a family He loved?

Wasn’t Jesus supposed to be there?​

Oh, but He did eventually go, and showed the people the miracle of a lifetime!


“Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ‘Take away the stone,’ he said.

“‘But, Lord,” said Martha, … ‘by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.’

“Then Jesus said, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?’

“So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, ‘Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.’

“When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

“Jesus said to them, ‘Take off the grave clothes and let him go.’”

Jesus was not where He was supposed to be; but He was exactly where He intended to be.​

There were certainly times when Jesus surprised people. Along with times He was not where He was supposed to be, there were times when He was where He was not supposed to be:


At the dinner table with tax-collectors, sinners, and prostitutes

At a well talking to a Samaritan woman

Walking on a stormy sea

Washing feet

Hanging on a cross

… taking a punishment that was not His, but mine.

By the way, that day at the tomb when Jesus was not where He was supposed to be:

“After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

“The angel said to the women, ‘Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him. Now I have told you.’


“So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. ‘Greetings,’ he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me’” (Matthew 28:1-10).

Jesus was not in the grave where He was supposed to be; He was walking around where He was not supposed to be; but He was exactly where He intended to be and exactly where He told everyone He would be.

Sometimes He’s not where He is supposed to be; sometimes He is where He’s not supposed to be. Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, certainly is unpredictable! A TV preacher we watch calls Him “sneaky Jesus.” I suppose that’s a good thing. If we could predict His actions and methods, He wouldn’t be God! You know, I think He still enjoys surprising us with big and small miracles every day, popping up when we least expect Him, and when we need Him most.

I love violets. To some people, they’re just weeds, but I love the lowly violet–especially the deep purple ones. They’re my favorite flower.

I remember a particularly difficult time in my life when I felt like things were falling apart all around me. I went to church; I prayed; I fasted; I did all I knew to do, but situations got worse instead of better. Finally one night, I desperately prayed, “Lord, have you forgotten me?” Then I cried myself to sleep.

I felt like​

The next morning when I walked out my door, to my great surprise, the yard was full of deep purple violets! There had never been violets there before, but they were there, and I understood that He was there, too. It was the encouragement I needed to get to the end of the hard time. I knew that I was not forgotten, after all. I knew that I was loved.

Jesus is always right where He intends to be!​

Isn’t that just like Jesus? Isn’t surprise just another facet of love, another characteristic of relationship? It keeps things fresh! It keeps things real.

Jesus may not always be where we think He’s supposed to be, but He’s always where He intends to be, and He always intercedes for our good. You can totally count on it!

God bless you and may He send you many lovely surprises!