In step

[RiverOL]

Breaking the Patterns That Keep You in a Rut​

Many of my clients sit down in my office and complain that they are stuck in a rut. It may not be full blown depression, but they just can’t find pleasure in day-to-day activities, their job, or their relationships. Kelly, 43, is a teacher and she’s married with two teenagers. She often says that she wants to feel better but doesn’t know where to start.

Kelly put it like this: “I’m not really old enough for a mid-life crisis but I just can’t get my groove back after my dad died last year. I tell myself that it wasn’t fair that he died in his mid- sixties. On the surface, my life is good with a family, home, and job. But I rarely find joy in daily events and tasks and I don’t seem to be able to finish projects that I start. This leaves me feeling disappointed in myself and discouraged so I stay home rather than go out with friends or my husband.”

In an April article for The Gottman Institute’s blog, Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart offers readers advice on how to disrupt the negative patterns so many of easily fall into. Approaching the subject from a psychological perspective, she analyzes the ways in which we learn — that is to say the ways in which we are conditioned to fall into transgressive cyclical behaviors that reinforce themselves over time.

Dr. Lockhart essential belief is that negative learned behaviors are just as easy to develop as positive one. Indeed, she describes repetitive, learned behaviors as the product as a sort of practice that can be channeled to positive ends. Engaging in repetitive thought processes, for example, can follow one of two tracks: “positive affirmation or negative self-statements,” according to Dr. Lockhart.


The natural conclusion that she draws on the ways that we can effectively condition ourselves to reinforce and then repeat positive, productive behaviors is quite liberating. We have control over ourselves, and our thoughts, actions and characteristic behavioral traits can be improved and made positive through practice.

Dr. Lockhart then outlines five practical steps to enable “breaking the cycle.” She writes that “Whatever the reason, these all play a role in the repetition of cycles. Here are some ways to work through them so the cycles you are engaged in actually benefit and help you, rather than hurt you.” Her five steps require diligence and patience, but will soon become second nature.

First, she counsels reader to “make a record of patterns of behaviors. You can do this through video recording, journaling, or sharing your journey with others (i.e, podcasts, blogging, social media).” This initial step will open the door to those that follow.

Next, Dr. Lockhart asks that people identify their “triggers,” or as she puts it, the “things that really grind your gears and things that you have an exaggerated emotional or mental reaction to beyond what should be expected.” Identifying triggers will unlock the next of Dr. Lockhart’s five steps: understanding your response to your triggers. Step three may be something you do every day, such as overeat or spend too much time sleeping.


Step four is “developing a hypothesis.” In other words, reflect on your patterns of behavior and thought, including your history of these patterns, as a way to better evaluate that root causes of any negative cycles that have formed. And finally, Dr. Lockhart suggests that unpacking these issues will help lead to a better understanding of whether and how these learned behaviors serve you — or work against your personal growth, emotional health, and ultimately your happiness.

Finally, Dr. Lockhart offers step five which is to ask yourself: “Is this behavior you are engaging in serving you? Also, do these behaviors make you a better person or hold you back from being your best self?

When I went through these five stages with Kelly, she was able to identify spending too much time on social media as a negative behavior which had increased since her father’s death. Next, one of her main triggers was feeling tired and sad about her loss which caused her to want to connect with people online rather than in person. Her hypothesis then became “Since my father’s death, I’ve felt sad about losing him so I increased my screen time and thought that would feel better. In reality, I feel more isolated and lonelier.”


After engaging in this step-by-step analysis, Kelly was able to set a goal to cut screen time down to one hour a day (from three hours), add one hour of physical exercise such as walking or riding her bike, and to spend more face-to face time with family and friends. As a result she was able to get out of her rut, felt more connected to others, and her mood became more positive over time.

 

[RiverOL]

Here’s What Happens When You Assume the Worst​

Do you have “psychic-wife syndrome” or PWS? If you’re among the millions of wives who think you can read minds, maybe you should think again.


Mind reading is when you assume you know what your husband is thinking or feeling without him saying a word.

It’s as if you can look into his mind and know his intentions without evidence or details. And if you’re like me, you usually assume the worst.

Here’s what happens when you assume the worst.

Early in my marriage, I was a physic wife. I had a bad habit of mind reading.

He’d bring me flowers or do something nice for me, and I’d get mad because I’d read his mind. I know what he wants.

He’d come home late, and I’d get mad because I’d read his mind: He’s rude. He doesn’t care about me.

Obviously it wasn’t true. I quickly found out mind reading can wreck your marriage.

He’s didn’t say he was going to be late for dinner so obviously he takes me for granted.

He didn’t help with the kids last night so he’s a jerk who thinks I should do all the work.

He doesn’t want to talk so he’s doesn’t care about our relationship.

Maybe he was frustrated because his boss cornered him on his way out the door.

Or he enjoys spending time with the kids but had a long day at work and was tired.

Or he cares about your marriage, but he’s trying to process how he’s going to pay the bills and put new tires on the car before winter.

He may have a number of legitimate explanations. But you won’t know because you’ve assumed the worst.

Assume the worst and you’ll see the worst​

If you think your husband is out to get you or he doesn’t care about your feelings, you’re going to interpret his actions as a sign he’s out to get you or he doesn’t care about you. And you’ll treat him accordingly.

Assumptions create conflict and increase tension. Assumptions stifle intimacy. Assumptions create misunderstanding.

The best way to combat “psychic wife syndrome” is to hang up your crystal ball and wait for an explanation.

While you wait, you can choose your thoughts and perspective. Just as you can train yourself to assume the worst, you can train yourself to assume the best.

You can choose to have positive thoughts and a positive perspective.

Negative assumptions can affect intimacy in your marriage. No one likes to be falsely accused. It’s hurtful.

If you assume the worst about your husband, you’ll see the worst.

If you assume your husband doesn’t care about you, you’ll attribute his actions to selfishness and insensitivity.

If you assume he should know what you’re thinking and what you need, think again.

If you adjust your perspective to expect the best, you’ll see the best.

So stop assuming the worst and expect the best.

Here’s how to stop assuming the worst:

1. Decide to reserve judgment until you get details.
2. Before jumping to conclusions or getting defensive, wait for clarification.
3. Assume he cares about you and focus on what he does well.

If you want to assume, assume your husband loves you and wants what’s best for you.

When you assume the best, you create harmony and cut down on conflict.

 

[RiverOL]

[td] Alone at Work?​ ​ ​

[td] Whoever isolates himself . . . breaks out against all sound judgment—Proverbs 18:1​ ​ ​

[td] Work is a place where we men are apt to live, not as our true selves, but rather as carefully crafted and false versions of ourselves. Work is a “compartment” where we try to be, not who God created us to be, but images we create all by ourselves. Why? What makes work different? Well, at work, the prevailing culture is too often (and too much) self-focused: outperform, get promoted, achieve, get ahead. It is too often permeated by greed, pride, and narcissism. When we live according to the prevailing culture of work, we hide our true selves, for exposing ourselves would upset our plans to build our images (and our careers). So, we protect our images by cutting ourselves off. We don’t let anyone in on our fears, struggles, pain, excitement, victories, joy. This is foolish, given that many of us spend more of our waking hours at work, with work colleagues, than we do away from work, with loved ones and close friends. Living according to the prevailing culture of work can transform our workplaces into dismal, desolate places of adversaries and mere acquaintances. Workplace relationships become characterized by superficiality and materiality. Spending years under such conditions leads to cynicism and apathy, burnout and bad choices. Purpose and meaning fade. We protect our images, but we lose ourselves.​ ​ ​

[td] Okay, so what do we do? Betray the prevailing culture, brother (Philippians 2:3-4). But don’t do it alone. Track down at least a couple trusted friends at your workplace and begin to fight for one another, keep each other accountable, keep each other humble, be transparent with one another, confess and repent to one another, pray together, laugh and lament together. Set up regular lunches. Grab coffee together, weekly. Start a regular prayer group or a company Bible study.​ ​ ​

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[RiverOL]

[td] Family Big Enough?​ ​ ​

[td] . . . a threefold cord is not quickly broken—Ecclesiastes 4:12​ ​ ​

[td] In the family context, building community means building expanded families around our existing, immediate families. These family “expanders” are trusted friends—followers of our King, Jesus Christ—who know us, know our kids (if we have them), know our wives (or girlfriends or fiancées), and know about our parents and siblings. They know the stories of our families and the stories of the individuals within our families. They connect long-term, across generations. They know the good and bad—and still choose to share our lives: meals, recreation, celebrations, holidays, traditions. Why do we need them? Well, life together is hard—hard for adults, hard for kids. We all need all the help we can get. And, if we’re not proactive and intentional in securing help, it either won’t come or it’ll come, but from places less-than-ideal. Parents can get isolated—or be too much influenced by prevailing culture. Kids can get too little direction—or be too much influenced by peers or unprincipled adults. No, it’s critical that we be proactive and intentional. The Apostle Paul wrote: “if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). If we are proactive and intentional, though, we can influence just who’s going to influence our families—ensure the right people are supporting, encouraging, and challenging us as fathers, husbands, sons, brothers; and the right people are speaking truth into our kids.​ ​ ​

[td] Okay, so what do we do? Expanded families aren’t built without work. They take investment and reciprocity. No one will share our lives if we don’t share in theirs, too. Pray today, brother, about who should be in your expanded family. Reach out to them. Be explicit. If they buy-in, co-develop a practical plan to connect more closely.​ ​ ​

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[RiverOL]

Jesus Was Not Where He Was Supposed To Be​

John 20:1-7:


“Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!

Jesus was not where He was supposed to be!​

The passage goes on:

“So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter came along behind him and went straight into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the cloth that had been wrapped around Jesus’ head. The cloth was still lying in its place, separate from the linen.

But Jesus was not where He was supposed to be!​

Maybe it’s surprising to think about, but this was not unusual for Jesus. He was often not where He was supposed to be. This habit began when he was just a child.


“Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom. After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day”.

But Jesus was not where He was supposed to be!​

“Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, ‘Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.’

“‘Why were you searching for me?” he asked. ‘Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?’ But they did not understand what he was saying to them” (Luke 2:41-50).

In John, Chapter 8, Jesus is again in the temple courts, this time as an adult. The people begin to question His testimony and accuse Him of being demon-possessed.


“‘Very truly I tell you,’ Jesus [finally] answered, ‘before Abraham was born, I am!’ At this, they picked up stones to stone him, but Jesus hid himself, slipping away from the temple grounds.”

When they drew up to throw the stones, Jesus had disappeared.

Jesus was not where He was supposed to be. ​

One day, Jesus’ friend Lazarus lay sick unto death:

“Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) So the sisters sent word to Jesus, ‘Lord, the one you love is sick.’”

From John 11: “When he heard this, Jesus said, ‘This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.’ Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days …”

Wait. What? He didn’t immediately go to Lazarus, a friend and a family He loved?

Wasn’t Jesus supposed to be there?​

Oh, but He did eventually go, and showed the people the miracle of a lifetime!


“Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ‘Take away the stone,’ he said.

“‘But, Lord,” said Martha, … ‘by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.’

“Then Jesus said, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?’

“So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, ‘Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.’

“When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

“Jesus said to them, ‘Take off the grave clothes and let him go.’”

Jesus was not where He was supposed to be; but He was exactly where He intended to be.​

There were certainly times when Jesus surprised people. Along with times He was not where He was supposed to be, there were times when He was where He was not supposed to be:


At the dinner table with tax-collectors, sinners, and prostitutes

At a well talking to a Samaritan woman

Walking on a stormy sea

Washing feet

Hanging on a cross

… taking a punishment that was not His, but mine.

By the way, that day at the tomb when Jesus was not where He was supposed to be:

“After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

“The angel said to the women, ‘Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him. Now I have told you.’


“So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. ‘Greetings,’ he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me’” (Matthew 28:1-10).

Jesus was not in the grave where He was supposed to be; He was walking around where He was not supposed to be; but He was exactly where He intended to be and exactly where He told everyone He would be.

Sometimes He’s not where He is supposed to be; sometimes He is where He’s not supposed to be. Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, certainly is unpredictable! A TV preacher we watch calls Him “sneaky Jesus.” I suppose that’s a good thing. If we could predict His actions and methods, He wouldn’t be God! You know, I think He still enjoys surprising us with big and small miracles every day, popping up when we least expect Him, and when we need Him most.

I love violets. To some people, they’re just weeds, but I love the lowly violet–especially the deep purple ones. They’re my favorite flower.

I remember a particularly difficult time in my life when I felt like things were falling apart all around me. I went to church; I prayed; I fasted; I did all I knew to do, but situations got worse instead of better. Finally one night, I desperately prayed, “Lord, have you forgotten me?” Then I cried myself to sleep.

I felt like​

The next morning when I walked out my door, to my great surprise, the yard was full of deep purple violets! There had never been violets there before, but they were there, and I understood that He was there, too. It was the encouragement I needed to get to the end of the hard time. I knew that I was not forgotten, after all. I knew that I was loved.

Jesus is always right where He intends to be!​

Isn’t that just like Jesus? Isn’t surprise just another facet of love, another characteristic of relationship? It keeps things fresh! It keeps things real.

Jesus may not always be where we think He’s supposed to be, but He’s always where He intends to be, and He always intercedes for our good. You can totally count on it!

God bless you and may He send you many lovely surprises!

 

[RiverOL]

God’s Commands about Immigrants Among Us​

Scripture calls for justice and compassion toward migrants and foreigners, reminding us to treat the alien with fairness, dignity, and love.

Scripture Passages about Aliens (Migrants); Foreigners Hebrew “nekar”​

Exodus 22:21 (NRSV)
21 You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt.



Exodus 23:9 (NRSV)
9 You shall not oppress a resident alien; you know the heart of an alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt.

Leviticus 19:33 (NRSV)
33 When an alien resides with you in your land, you shall not oppress the alien.

Leviticus 23:22 (NRSV)
22 When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap to the very edges of your field, or gather the gleanings of your harvest; you shall leave them for the poor and for the alien: I am the Lord your God.

Leviticus 24:22 (NRSV)
22 You shall have one law for the alien and for the citizen: for I am the Lord your God.

Numbers 15:16 (NRSV)
16 You and the alien who resides with you shall have the same law and the same ordinance.


Deuteronomy 1:16 (NRSV)
16 I charged your judges at that time: “Give the members of your community a fair hearing, and judge rightly between one person and another, whether citizen or resident alien.

Deuteronomy 24:20-21 (NRSV)
20 When you beat your olive trees, do not strip what is left; it shall be for the alien, the orphan, and the widow.
21 When you gather the grapes of your vineyard, do not glean what is left; it shall be for the alien, the orphan, and the widow.

Deuteronomy 27:19 (NRSV)
19 “Cursed be anyone who deprives the alien, the orphan, and the widow of justice.” All the people shall say, “Amen!”

Jeremiah 7:4-12 (NRSV)
4 Do not trust in these deceptive words: “This is the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord.”
5 For if you truly amend your ways and your doings, if you truly act justly one with another,
6 if you do not oppress the alien, the orphan, and the widow, or shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not go after other gods to your own hurt,
7 then I will dwell with you in this place, in the land that I gave of old to your ancestors forever and ever.

 

[RiverOL]

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Refocusing the Drive​

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greatest among you become as the youngest
. . . leader as one who serves—Luke 22:26

We men devote so much of our mental attention and hard work to our own greatness. We plan for advancement; strategize next moves; put our heads down and grind. Deep in our inner machinery there’s something that drives us on toward securing greatness . . . of some kind or another . . . for ourselves. Maybe it’s on a small scale. Maybe on a large scale. Maybe in our work, maybe in our communities, maybe even in our faith. The drive is just there.

The twelve Apostles—men, human men—had this drive. In the upper room, a dispute “arose among them, as to which of them was to be regarded as the greatest” (Luke 22:24). But Jesus stopped them and taught them (and us) that this drive must be refocused. “But I am among you as the one who serves” (Luke 22:27). That’s our blueprint. His life is the blueprint for our lives. We must follow it and no other. We must reject all blueprints drawn by our pride, or envy, or selfishness.

Refocusing this drive, away from lifting ourselves and toward lifting those around us, is one of the most important things we can do, as men. It moves us into true masculinity—where we lend our strength to others, who need it, rather than use it solely for our own gain. We must trust that this is a better way to live . . . better for God, better for us, and better for those we are to love and serve.​

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Okay, so what do we do?

Look around you—today, this week—for people you can serve. Keep it simple. Whom will you come into contact with, naturally? Whom do you have influence over, in the normal course of your days? Whom might you have overlooked? Ask yourself, what do they need and how can I help?​

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[RiverOL]

My Spouse Never Listens- Here Are 6 Ways to Get Your Needs Met!​

While it’s tempting to launch into expressing anger and to get into the attack mode when you feel hurt or frustrated, it can alienate your partner and drive a wedge between you. That said, you’ll accomplish more and improve your communication if you tell your partner what you need in a positive way.


For instance, if Joshua says to Bella “I would appreciate it if you’d tell me about your plans with your family,” this “I” statement would be more effective than saying, “You never tell about plans. In most cases, a “You” statement that sparks her defensiveness.

In marriage, one of the biggest hurdles couples face is how to approach difficult conversations without getting defensive. This leads to an unfortunate pattern of attack and defensiveness where both partners believe they must prove they’re right and must defend their positions.

In After the Fight, psychologist Dr. Daniel B. Wile, explains that if this defensive pattern continues over time, it can diminish love and respect between you and your partner The following are ways to stop being defensive with your partner before it becomes a bigger issue.

6 Ways to Communicate What You Need to Your Partner:

1. State needs clearly and calmly: While it is natural to raise your voice and get agitated when you feel attacked, lower your voice and adopt a friendlier tone. If you feel yourself taking things personally, press the pause button and suggest a 10 to 15-minute break to your partner before continuing a conflictual conversation. You might say “I’m trying to listen but I can feel myself getting defensive. Can we start this conversation again in 15 minutes?
2. Listen to your partner’s side of the story and validate him or her. Instead of focusing on your own agenda and the points you want to get across, ask your partner what is bothering them and really listen before responding. When you respond, validate their perspective and use a soft start-up such as “I value your input and I’d love to hear more from you.” Be sure to use good eye contact and reassuring touch to comfort your mate such as holding their hand.
3. Focus on the issues at hand. When you focus on the past, you miss the opportunity to work together to come up with a solution. You are no longer on the same team. Instead, focus on the issues at hand or in the present to meet both of your needs. Resist the urge to bring up baggage or touch on your partner’s raw spots or issues you know might trigger his or her defensiveness.
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5. Use “I” statements to express yourself in a positive way. State what you want such as “I would like you to share more information about your spending with me. Avoid using “You” statements such as “You never talk to me about money.” Remember to focus on expressing your feelings in a way that invites your partner to communicate, rather than pushing them away.
6. Take responsibility for your part in a conflict or dispute. If you focus more on your part of the problem, you will be less likely to point your finger at your partner or take things personally. Reflect on how your words and actions might make your partner feel and let him or her know that you own your part in a disagreement. Try to focus on changing your approach to communication, rather than trying to change your partner’s perspective or personality.
7. Apologize if you have done something to hurt your mate – even if it was not intentional – after they’ve had a chance to describe how you hurt them. This will ensure it’s a sincere apology. Be brief and to the point without making excuses. For instance, Bella might simply say, “I am sorry for overspending on clothes last month. I won’t do it again.” By taking responsibility for her part in the dispute, even just a small piece, this will validate Joshua’s feelings, promote forgiveness, and allow them both to move on.

The next time you feel upset at your partner, examine your own thoughts and responses — before you point out his or her flaws—if you want your relationship to last. When you are having an argument with your partner, stop remember the positive qualities that drew you to him or her in the first place. Maybe they are a hard worker or share your love of nature and camping. Whatever the positive qualities that drew you to him or her, it’s easy to forget them after living together for several years.

It’s a good idea to give your partner the benefit of the doubt rather than attacking them or getting defensive. Being defensive or negative will only push your partner away so state your needs clearly in a non-blameful way and own up to your mistakes. After all, no one is without faults!

 

[RiverOL]

Honoring Dignity By The Words We Speak​

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Proverbs 18:21


We’ve all heard someone curtly reply, “I won’t even dignify that comment with an answer.” Haven’t we? After all, when we feel we’ve been misjudged, maligned, or insulted, it’s only natural to offer this type of retort. But is it effective? Does it promote understanding, reconciliation? Does taking a verbal jab at someone ever make sense?

Take Care Whenever You Speak​

Consider this, each time a person speaks or refuses to, it’s a chancy venture. Depending upon our mood, our health, and our current emotional state, the person speaking to us is taking a risk. He doesn’t know what we’ve just faced down in the previous twenty-four hours. He has no clue how the pressures and frustrations of the day have weighed heavy on our minds. Add to that volatile mix the speaker’s own state of mind and the combination can quickly grow lethal.

Everyone Wants To Be Understood​

Whether in the workplace or in the home, every person internalizes life’s demands, stresses, and expectations and finds plausible methods of handling them. Sadly, no one can always see with accuracy what another is struggling over. Given the fact that we all have to communicate to understand one another, opting out of verbal exchanges isn’t an alternative. So rather than give in to preying hesitancies or conversely brutal frontal assaults, let’s reset our mindsets a bit.

Let A Generous Word Win Out​

How much more pleasant life would look and feel if those around us offered basic consideration. As every individual hopes for a little kindness to come his way each day, why not make the concerted effort to demonstrate a spirit of generous courtesy? There’s no law that says we must mirror another’s bad behavior. We don’t have to play verbal chess games trying to outwit our opponent. It isn’t always; “us against them”…often times a cranky person is just plain worn out.

Dignity Is A Gift We Can Give Freely​

There’s a better way and it’s right in front of our faces. It’s called offering dignity…you know, that inner willingness to extend someone the forgiveness, care, and respect they’re not deserving of at the present moment. The bottom line is this; when we choose to treat another person with dignity, it only enhances our own. Likewise, when we choose to denigrate another’s worth, we only lessen our own.





What Dignity Looks Like




D – Do set the tone for a conversation by expressing appreciation and thanks from the outset.

I – Invite positive feedback by pairing considerate verbal cues with friendly non-verbal ones.

G – Graciously ask for assistance, advice, or cooperation.

N – Never discuss hot topics if your emotional temperature is rising fast; wait until tempers cool.

I – Initiate an atmosphere of open exchange by listening intently and without interrupting.

T – Take the required time to talk, don’t rush through a litany of requests.

Y – Yield the day if need be and brainstorm new ways to speak and be heard on another day.

 

[RiverOL]

Why Good Education Requires the Broad View​

Good education teaches “the broad view.” It teaches students to take in “the bigger pictures” of history, culture, society, and humanity.

Good Education​

What is “good education?” Of course, like so many words, “education” has different meanings. Here I am talking about American public and private education—K through 12 and beyond.

When I was taking driver’s training in my high school, 7:00 AM half awake, I learned one principle: Take the broad view. That meant, as we all were taught many times, when driving keep your eyes up and on the road ahead and what surrounds it. Don’t stare down at the hood of the car or the road and what surrounds it just ahead of the car. Of course, we were taught about one exception: when approaching a car or cars just ahead. But don’t stare at it or them. Look up, especially when driving on a highway.


Missed or Forgotten

Good education teaches “the broad view.” It teaches students to take in “the bigger pictures” of history, culture, society, and humanity.

Far, far too many people in America know extremely little about the world or even about America! History, geography, science (especially philosophy of science), political science, ethics…all are somehow missed or forgotten.

My doctoral advisor referred to American public schools as “Dewey schools.” I finally realized what he meant. John Dewey was a philosopher who defined human beings as “problem solvers.” His philosophy was called “instrumentalism.” For him, education’s purpose was to help students solve problems. It gives them the “instruments” to solve problems.

High School Failed Them​

But the big problems of life are in the distance, so to speak. The big problems that need addressing will be missed if one does not “take the broad view” when going through life. Good education teaches students, if they are willing to learn, to live life with the “big picture” in view.



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I had the privilege of attending a really good high school. I won’t name it here because I’m sure someone who graduated before or after me (or at the same time as me and six hundred others!) will pop in here to tell a story of how high school failed them. I found that any student who came to school and went through it was offered “the broad view.” “Look up and see the world” could be the school’s motto.

It Is Not Indoctrination​

Then I attended and graduated from a Bible college that had the opposite philosophy. There, the faculty and administration taught us “the narrow view.” In “Church History,” we began with the Reformation and then quickly jumped to the Pentecostal Movement, not even touching on the wider context out of which Pentecostalism emerged. I soon discovered that if I were to get an education like the one I received in high school, I would have to get it on my own, outside of college. I did that to the best of my ability.

Good education also teaches critical thinking skills. My high school did that. My college did not. Day and night. Total difference. Cognitive dissonance. Mental whiplash.

Good education encourages questioning the “facts” being taught. “Why?” Is always welcome. It is not indoctrination, except, perhaps, to a limited degree in a denominational seminary. Even there, however, students should be introduced to the broader historical, socio-cultural, and theological contexts.

Take The Broad View, Think Critically​

Far, far too much American education focuses on solving problems. Obviously, I am in favor of liberal arts education—throughout the levels of education. Preparing students for jobs can come alongside that, but liberal arts should not be sacrificed for job-training.

I wonder what I would find now if I revisited my high school? More than fifty years have gone “under the bridge” since I graduated. I wonder how students are taught there now? I hope it’s at least roughly the same—“Take the broad view” and “think critically.”

 

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Light It Up . . . Right Where You Are​

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You are the light of the world—Matthew 5:14

The strongest evidence that we are where God wants us—in our jobs, in our careers, in our cities—is simply that we’re there. God Almighty knows where we are. He sees us (Luke 12:6-7). He is with us (1 Corinthians 3:16). There is a plan. King David sang to God, “in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them” (Psalm 139:16). So, where we are—right now—is no accident. And until further notice (which may come), we’ve got to assume that where we are is where he wants us to be . . . for specific reasons, for his specific purposes.

High on that list of God’s purposes is that we’re his light in our existing regions of influence and impact (Matthew 5:14). Jesus tells us to not hide the light that radiates from us when we follow him: “let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). Our lights dim, however, when we get too comfortable with the cultures of the places where we find ourselves—in our jobs, in our careers, in our cities. We must, therefore, resist adoption, whether conscious or subconscious, of the prevailing beliefs, codes, or values of those places. We follow Christ. We believe him. That’s our code. Our values are his values.​

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Okay, so what do we do?

Look around. How would you describe the top two or three most apparent and distinct values/beliefs in your place of work or your city? What is the accepted “code” for someone in your career? Be specific and matter-of-fact. Now, give it some thought . . . what do you think about the answers to those questions?​

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[RiverOL]

Jacob’s Wrestling Match: From Trickster to Prince of God​

The God before whom my fathers Abraham and Isaac walked,
The God who has been my shepherd all my life to this day,
The angel who has redeemed me from all evil,

Bless the boys;
And may my name live on in them,

And the names of my fathers Abraham and Isaac;
And may they grow into a multitude in the midst of the earth.”

Jacob wrestling with the angel—a moment of struggle, transformation, and divine encounter. Created in Dalle for Patheos.

The Weight Of Deception​

These are the prophetic words spoken by the aged Israel foretelling the futures of two of his grandsons (Ephraim and Manasseh) borne away from his eyes in Egypt. It had been twenty-one years since the Supplanter now transformed by God into Prince of God had been reunited with his beloved son, Joseph. In this visionary pronouncement with hands of blessing on the two young men, Israel reflected on his grandfather, Abraham, and father, Isaac—men who walked with God.

He, too, had been on a journey of faith from a trickster who exploited his brother, Esau, and bought his birthright for a bowl of beans. Then, to add insult to injury, he cheated Esau out of his firstborn blessing manipulating his father’s failing eyesight. Because of the weight of his deceptions, he fled the murderous intentions of his brother running to his father-in-law’s house in Northern Mesopotamia under the urgings of his mother, Rebecca, who was every bit a person willing to weave webs of deceit. The apple never falls too far from the tree!


Turn The Tables
Yet, in Laban’s house, Jacob meets his match and then some in a person who puts him on the business end of swindles multiple times. Yet, Jacob served Laban for fourteen years for marriages to his two daughters, Leah and Rachel, ending up with each of their handmaids as a bonus. The four wives serve up twelve sons and one daughter. When through the blessing of God and his skill in the breeding of livestock, Jacob turns the tables on Laban and ends up with his wealth.

This Is Not “Let’s Make A Deal”​

Enraged by Jacob’s clandestine maneuvers, Laban and his sons woke up to the fact that their futures had been stolen by the trickster. The promises God made Jacob twenty-two years previously of which he trusted little included the Seed Promise, Land Promise, Nation Promise, and the promise that one day God would bring Jacob safely back to his land, albeit the specter of Esau’s wrath hovered over him. Where was Jacob’s faith in those early days? He was much too confident he could make his way successfully in life by his own whit and tripping up others to his advantage.

So, when God promised him the day would come that he would be returned to his land from which he was fleeing, he said to God If God will be with me and will keep me on this journey that I take, and give me food to eat and garments to wear,  and I return to my father’s house in safety, then the Lord will be my God. Jacob’s future commitment to God was stated in his own words as conditioned on God doing what He had promised him. It is as if Jacob had the brass to, in effect, play “Let’s Make A Deal” with God Almighty!

The whole issue was that the God of his forefathers was not His God until and if God performed His promise of protection and provision. Otherwise, God would not be his God! Yet, now the storm brewing in the hearts and plans of the enraged Laban Clan was about to make landfall! The man who fled from Esau twenty-two years before was on the run again, but, this time, with four wives, thirteen children, and the accumulation of the wealth of flocks and herds he was unwilling to leave behind. God was bringing the Trickster to his most desperate, yet, wonderful hours!



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Trust In God’s Promise​

As he fled Laban’s wrath, he had to realize the last time he got an email from Esau it read, I’m going to kill you! As Jacob neared his childhood home, he decided to soften Esau up a bit by sending groups of livestock gifts ahead by the hands of his servants staged at different intervals. Ole’ Trickster was still trying to figure things out on his own! Yet, one of his servants returned to Jacob from Esau reporting, Your brother is coming to see you and he is bringing 400 men with him!

What would God’s twenty-two-year-old promise mean to Jacob now? Sending his possessions and family aside to protect them, he prayed alone, God of my father Abraham and God of my father Isaac, Lord, who said to me, return to your country and to your relatives, and I will make you prosper. Jacob reached into his well-worn bag of tricks and found no solution!

He finally realized that all he had was God’s promise of protection. The greatest day of his life had come when he finally realized God’s promise was all he ever needed!! The fact that the Second Person of the Godhead came in the form of a man who wrestled with him all through the night was a wrestling match that had been going on for, yea, those twenty-two years! At the dawning of the day with the MAN ready to leave, Jacob held to Him until the Divine Visitor blessed him changing his name to Israel—Prince of God! He was redeemed!

 

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Embrace the Fear​

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. . . for man shall not see me and live—Exodus 33:20

We’re made for fear. We’re made to live with fear, not without it, as we’d like. It’s just, as so often happens, we get preoccupied with things we can see and hear and touch. But these aren’t what we’re supposed to fear—not people, nor circumstances. About such things, our King, Jesus Christ says, “do not fear” (Luke 12:4-5, 22-24). No, we’re meant to fear a fearsome God.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (Proverbs 1:7).​

But what does it mean to fear God? Well, mostly it means keeping our thinking straight. It means seeing God, in all his power, in proper relation and proportion to the people and problems in this world. Though we sometimes act as if he were, God isn’t smaller than financial hardship, difficult work situations, difficulties with children. He’s not equal to them. He’s so much bigger, so much more powerful, even comparing doesn’t make sense. He’s alpha and omega. He’s the beginning and the end of everything.

What’s astonishing is this fearsome God, for some reason, chooses to love each of us with a fierce love—a love that’s good and will never relent. So, to him, we mustn’t respond as we’ve been conditioned to respond to fear—control, minimize, avoid, numb. We must respond by recognizing, every day, every moment, that he’s the most important, most powerful force in our lives, and that we’re his favored sons.​

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Okay, so what do we do?

Name your biggest fears. Write them down. Look at them. Imagine them as God sees them. How frightening are they now? The truth is, things we can see, hear, touch are never our ultimate threats, not when God’s around—and he always is. Our ultimate threat is choosing to live as if these things are bigger than he.​

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Why Living Carefully Leads to a Life of Fullness​

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4


Some persons do first, think afterward, and then repent forever.

Thomas Secker

Are You Careful Or Careless​

How would you describe yourself? Are you a careful person, one given to thoughtfully weighing decisions and their repercussions before acting? Or would you consider yourself the free-flying live-by-the-moment carefree (careless) type? There is no right or wrong answer here. It’s simply a matter of degree.

Be Careful Of Others’ Feelings​

Certainly, the individual who notices things…you know, is in tune to the feelings, bents, and likes/dislikes of those around him will act in accordance with what he observes. If he’s careful, that is. There’s nothing more boorish than a person who purposefully decides to offend, right?

Being Careless Is Just That Care-Less​

On the flip side, there are those who appear to live within a world of their own making. It’s those people who do what they please whenever, wherever, and to whomever they choose. Ick. All of us have been victim to someone’s careless, self-serving decisions. We recognize the harm in it and so does everyone else…except maybe the offender. For the believer, living a care-less life is polar opposite to the teaching of Jesus. When we reflect upon this passage in Philippians above, we see that all that we think or do should first run through the sieve of putting others’ first.

Strive For Balance In All Things​

But is there such a thing as living too “careful”…too contemplative? Indeed there is. Too much thinking, over-thinking, leads to fearful pausing, inaction, and lack of involvement. So to strike a balance between the two extremes, might we not aim for some middle road? Live with awareness that every choice made in favor of something, is also a choice against something else. Given only so much time, energy, and resources, each of us decides how to best live, work, and play.

Take Good Care Of Others​

This fact leads to the next logical conclusion. Every decision we make today will either support, strengthen, or contribute to the building up of those people surrounding us or it will tear them down. Which will it be? If we’re given to living carefully, our lives will be more “full” of strong relationships, better physical health, sounder finances, and overall increased bountiful living. Final word: “take good care,” it is the recipe for a life of fullness.




How to Spot a Careful Person

• Engages an “antenna of awareness” by cultivating sensitivity to those around them.
• Makes only those promises they can keep; and then makes good on every one.
• Anticipates the needs of others and look out for ways to meet those requirements.
• Recognizes that relationships on every level are privileges to be treated with respect.
• Embodies a “big picture” view of life even when circumstances are grim.
• Enjoys the journey and invites (by example) for others to do the same.

 

[RiverOL]

When the Sole Comes Off and the Soul Comes Undone​

When the Sole Comes Off and the Soul Comes Undone. Image created by Jeff McLain in ChatGPT.


“My cleats fell apart,” my daughter shouted as we approached the front door of our house, about to leave for the second game of her softball tournament.

Game one had ended in a 19–0 loss, so emotions were already running thin. We were pushing our kids hard to get out the door on time for game two. Now, her cleat had quite literally come unglued—the sole of the heels of her cleats were now in her hand and somehow were like a metaphor for the day we were having as a family. This was already the kind of day where nothing goes right.

“Weekends are supposed to be relaxing,” which is a through that I said to myself many times throughout the day. Earlier, my wife dropped a tray of Star Wars-themed snacks she was preparing for our church’s coffee break on May 4th. That meant a quick run to the store for more supplies and replacement trays. It also rained hard the night before, and as the storm picked up, so did an apparent new, small leak in our house, one more reminder of all the repairs I can’t get to. Suddenly, all of that came rushing in, the repairs we needed to do to windows, carpet, electric, and now a leaky basement.


The Pile-Up of Pressures

The mounting to-do lists, the mess in the kitchen, the tightening budget, the tension in our schedules—it was all pressing in. I had doctoral responsibilities, responsibilities for my part-time work as a pastor of a small rural church community, and somehow, I needed rest from the week I had as well. I had been wrestling all day with high blood sugars (I wrestle with Type 1 Diabetes) and bickering kids. There I was, watching my daughter hold the sole of her cleat in one hand, while I silently held the shredded edges of my own soul in my own hands as well.

Gorilla Glue and the Limits of Control​

I tried to glue her sole back on — just to get through the day. But not even Gorilla Glue could fix that mess. When the sole came off again, she absentmindedly stepped down with her glue-covered heel—right onto the carpet. Classic. And in that moment, I was reminded: the more I try to fix everything in my own strength, the more things seem to fall apart. The harder I push, the worse the mess gets. It was just one of those days. I lost my patience. I yelled. I herded everyone into the car, frustrated and frazzled, already knowing our next stop: Play It Again Sports, hoping to find a cheap, quiet pair of used cleats to limp through the rest of the tournament.

When the Calling Feels Like a Target​

It’s not lost on me that I’ve made 1 Thessalonians 4:11–12 a focus of my life — this idea of leading a quiet life, minding my own business, and working with my hands so I can live dependently on no one and be a prophetic witness. That vision has shaped my prayers, my priorities, even the way I structure my week. But lately, that quiet life I long for feels more like a taunt than a calling. I’ve started to notice a pattern — how the very places where God calls us, the very values we feel led to pursue, are often the ones that come under fire by the world around us, by evil, but just the happenings of life. It’s as if an enemy — or even just the chaos of life —knows where to plan a targeted strike. The moments I set out to embrace stillness, everything gets louder. When I aim for simplicity, life gets cluttered. When I try to live quietly and faithfully, every interruption and frustration seems to test that commitment. And yet, maybe that’s part of the formation. Maybe the battle itself is evidence that the calling is real.

Everything Is Loud​

In this season, everything feels loud. The chaos of three kids involved in youth groups, sports, and band keeps our calendar overflowing. Pastoring full-time and part-time demands more than just Sunday mornings, and the emotional and financial weight of ongoing medical needs never seems to let up. My wife and I do our best to sync our ever-shifting work schedules, but most days feel like survival, not rhythm. On top of it all, my own battle with Type 1 diabetes adds another unpredictable layer — especially on days when my blood sugar levels spiral, and I can least afford it. These pressures pile up, and the soundtrack in my head starts to whisper lies: You’re not doing enough. You’re not enough. You’re failing. In moments like that, I find myself before God, holding a broken cleat and quietly saying, “God, my soul is coming apart.” And yet, as much as I long for simplicity and peace, I also find the turmoil causing myself to crave more—I want greener grass, a little more money, and nicer things. I want to feel like I’m winning at something, somewhere. Even just a little.

Learning to Swim in the Deep​

Life lately feels like I’ve been tossed into the depths of a stormy ocean, ready or not. And the truth is—you can’t survive the deep end if you don’t know how to swim. You might flail for a while, you might tread water for a bit, but eventually, the exhaustion sets in. The only way to stay afloat is to swim. You need the capacity to swim to survive a rocky sea — not just a little knowledge, but you must be an experienced swimmer. Writing to the church in Ephesus, Paul says he is kneeling “in the presence of the Father,” asking God to give the Ephesians a gift from the wealth of His glory (Ephesians 3:14, GW).

And what is this gift? He prays they receive inner strength and power through the Spirit. In this way, God’s love becomes the ground in which we “sink [our] roots and on which [we] have foundation” (v. 17). We survive the storm when we “understand how wide, long, high, and deep his love is” (v. 18). Paul makes clear this isn’t about head knowledge — it’s about experience. His prayer is that they would experience God’s love, so they may truly know “Christ’s love, which goes far beyond any knowledge” (v. 19). If we’re going to survive the deep—if we’re going to keep from sinking in seasons like this—we need that kind of love to hold us up. God’s love becomes the foundation we sink our roots into. It’s through experiencing God’s love that we learn to float, it is the strength we draw from when everything else gives out. I don’t need to be perfect at swimming—I just need to stay rooted in the depths of God’s love. And maybe that’s how we’re filled, even when we feel empty.

The Strength to Stay Present​

Healing isn’t found in polished prayers or perfectly cleaned cleats. I think it is found in the raw honesty of a worn-out parent and pastor saying, “This is where I’m at.” Perhaps we need more people willing to do this. And maybe that’s true for you too. This morning, I don’t have a solution. I’m not writing from the other side of the struggle. But I am choosing to be present. I’m praying to resist the drift into apathy, the bitterness that can come with disappointment, and the short fuse that flares under constant pressure. I’m naming the weariness and handing it to God.

Honestly, part of me wants to throw in the towel in a lot of areas of my life – from pastoring to being a homeowner. If I rent, repairs are someone else’s job, if I pastor, I can be “normal” is the lure. Let me tangent, pastoring is hard — whether it’s full-time ministry with those experiencing homelessness, where spiritual hunger often feels faint, or part-time shepherding in a small church where responsibility feels unevenly carried and obstacles often outweigh creative momentum. And yet, in the middle of mayhem, I want to believe that the truest story isn’t how broken I feel—it’s that I’m being made whole. That even when I want to throw in the towel—or the cleat—God is still at work.

A Prayer for the Worn-Out​

“God, my soul fell apart,” I say as I sit here with it in my hand.

We often pray for easier paths. But maybe what we really need are softer hearts and harder feet. Hearts that stay open to grace, and feet that can walk over rocky terrain without giving out. Our ability to stay afloat in the deep end of life depends less on avoiding hardship and more on trusting the God who swims with us.

So today, if you’re holding the ripped sole of a shoe—or a soul that feels like it’s unraveling—know you’re not alone.

Even Now, God Has Not Stopped​

This is my prayer for you right now – Paul’s prayer from Ephesians 3:16-18. It is a prayer that you would be rooted—anchored in love, even when everything around you feels unstable.

“I’m asking God to give you a gift from the wealth of his glory. I pray that he would give you inner strength and power through his Spirit. Then Christ will live in you through faith. I also pray that love may be the ground into which you sink your roots and on which you have your foundation. This way, with all of God’s people you will be able to understand how wide, long, high, and deep his love is.”

Perhaps you can pray this for me today too. There is grace for tired hands and worn-out hearts.

There is still strength to be found.

And even now, the God who began a good work in you has not stopped (Philippians 1:6).

Of Course…​

…and wouldn’t you know it, the cleats I picked up at Play It Again Sports are already starting to come unglued too.

She is up to bat with her new pair of cleats.

A Final Note​

You may notice that I quoted a lot in this post from the GOD’S WORD Translation. This is a translation of the scriptures that I use with the guests at Water Street Mission, and often in my own devotional reading, rather than for in-depth study. GOD’S WORD (GW) is a clear, readable Bible translation that aims to faithfully communicate the original meaning of the scriptures in natural, everyday English. Developed by a team of biblical scholars and English experts, GW balances accuracy with accessibility, making it especially helpful for devotional reading and public teaching. Its focus on meaning-based translation helps readers grasp both the heart and depth of the biblical message.

 

[RiverOL]

The State of My Soul​

I think most of you know I have worked in a men’s ministry for the last twenty years. In my past blogs I have written a good bit about my concern for men’s mental, emotional, and psychological health. There seems to be a number of causes for this.


The noted American historian, Daniel Boorstin, offers some interesting insights into one of the primary causes. He calls it the Graphic Revolution. This revolution started with photography, which evolved into print media, then television, all the way to today’s social media. Boorstin said,

The Graphic Revolution has created a new kind of power, the power to make average people doing average things “famous.” So much so, he says, that we have now become a culture focused intensely on celebrity.

In the past, fame was primarily an honor earned, the result of performing heroic deeds or of making significant contributions to the welfare of the community through invention or the advancement of education and industrial strength. Boorstin says that today, on the other hand, people are often considered famous simply because they have become well-known through the media. Sports stars, actors and actresses, television personalities and reality stars, children of celebrities famous for being children of celebrities—the power and allure of fame grows stronger and stronger every day.


Boorstin’s principle concern for modern society is that we are becoming more image conscious and less quality conscious. We give celebrities and the media more and more power over our lives simply because of the image they project rather than the true value they represent.

I don’t think the Graphic Revolution has changed a man’s desire to succeed in life. What has changed, however, are the standards by which that success is measured. Success now has to do with public image and the appearance of success instead of our character and the quality of our work.

Many men are no longer concerned with a life of excellence. Instead, no matter how much a man accomplishes, he does not believe he is successful unless others know about it. We now regard success as achievement plus proper recognition of our achievement. This, the recognition, is what makes us feel worthwhile and what makes us feel like we measure up as men.

Life for so many of us is just a performance with people to impress.

Christopher Lasch, in his book, The Culture of Narcissism, may have said it best. “Men would rather be envied for their material success than respected for their character.”


I have concluded that we have become a very secular culture and God has become irrelevant. In the process, we have completely neglected the care of our souls.

A number of years ago I read an interview from The New York Times, in which a reporter interviewed Don Hewitt, who had just ended a 36-year career as the executive producer of 60 Minutes. The reporter said:

Hewitt strode into his office and gestured toward the walls. There hung photographs of presidents, diplomats, foreign leaders and entertainers. There were notes from Presidents. A constellation of Emmy Awards. Arrays of plaques, posters and medallions.

“I’m not trying to be an egomaniacal maniac, but look,” he said. “I don’t want to lower the temperature. Where the hell do you go? What do you do that’s going to be like this?”

Clearly, here is a man who does not know what he is going to do with the rest of his life. He seems to realize this flamboyant, exciting life he has lead, has not resulted in any real satisfaction or meaning. As you read between the lines, you see what has happened. He has neglected the health of his soul. I think a good question we all should ask is, “What is the state of my soul?”

I believe the foundation of a healthy soul is in the development of your relationship with God. The healthiest people I know seek God daily in the Bible and set aside time to talk with God in their prayer life. This is generally the top priority in their lives and it leads to a vibrant, healthy soul.

 

[RiverOL]

6 Effective Ways to Apologize to Your Partner​

Studies show that apologizing to your partner for hurting their feelings and granting forgiveness are crucial to the success of an intimate relationship or marriage. It’s essential that couples learn the value of sincere apologies and forgiveness.

For instance, one of my clients, Lauren, 36, had been feeling resentment toward Kevin, 38, for several months since he loaned his sister money without consulting her. Even when Kevin gave Lauren a sincere apology and asked for forgiveness, she had been holding a grudge and barely spoke to his sister. But once she realized that he wasn’t trying to hurt her but that his sister swore him to secrecy, she was able to forgive him and move on.

Lauren put it like this: “I love Kevin and decided that it was more important to listen to the reasons why he kept such an important matter from me. I now understand that his actions we not meant to hurt me but to keep his promise to his sister who has been struggling financially and was embarrassed about me knowing how badly she was doing.”

These six tips will help you and your partner create a shared vision for your relationship, foster emotional closeness, and teach you how to recover quickly from hurt and miscommunication. By building a deeper connection and commitment to each other, you will create a deeply trusting, loving, and sustainable relationship. If you are thinking of marrying and concerned about going the distance or are already married and struggling the six tips will help you get back on track after a dispute or when one or both partners feels injured.


6 effective ways to apologize to your partner:

• Accept responsibility for your hurtful actions or words and the damage you caused. Acknowledge that you messed up by saying something like “I take responsibility for my actions and I’m sorry that they hurt you.” One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship and help you recover and heal as a couple.
• Use the words “I am sorry” and “I was wrong” when you apologize and make it personal. Your apology will more likely be heard and accepted if you use these words. Be specific about exactly what you did to hurt, humiliate, or embarrass your partner. For example, “I’m sorry for hurting you and violating your trust. I was wrong when I embarrassed you in front of your friend and I am sorry for my unkind words.”
• Explain to your partner how you plan to repair the situation (if this is possible). For example, if you said something to hurt your mother-in-law’s feelings, you might offer to apologize to her over lunch or by writing her a note.
• Describe what you said or did in specific terms without making excuses or blaming your mate or someone else. Using “I” statements rather than “You” statements can help you avoid the blame monster. For instance, you might say “I’m sorry for purchasing a new laptop without consulting you when our budget is tight.” This is more effective than saying, “You never approve of me buying things so why would I tell you?”
• Ask your partner to grant you forgiveness. Be specific about your actions and words that need to be forgiven. Be sure to do so when the setting is conducive to a private conversation and there aren’t any distractions (TV, cell phones, children in the room, etc.).
• Don’t let wounds poison your love for your spouse. Be vulnerable and don’t let your pride cause you to hold on to being “right.” Discussing what happened with your partner and taking responsibility for your actions will allow you to let go of resentment so you can improve the quality of your relationship.

Heartfelt apologies are an essential ingredient of a strong, healthy intimate relationship. Accepting that you and your mate do the best you can will help you be more understanding. When you acknowledge your flaws, it means that you can be vulnerable with your partner rather than allowing your pride to damage your communication with him or her.

 

[RiverOL]

[td] Be That Guy​ ​ ​

[td] Humble yourselves . . . under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you—1 Peter 5:6​ ​ ​

[td] Building community in the social context—in the context of our friendships—means reworking existing friendships into authentic friendships. It means dismantling false images, the ones we’ve worked so hard to construct. It means humbling ourselves in front of our friends by showing them our undisguised, unguarded brokenness—our flaws and failures, our mistakes and fears. Hard stuff, no question. What’s even harder, though, is that doing this often requires that we go first. You see, authenticity is counterculture. Look around. Few people live in authentic friendship. And so, when and if we choose to, we’re likely to be out in front, all alone . . . for a time, at least. So why then? Why would we do it? Well, it’s only through authenticity that transformation-to-Christlikeness happens. It certainly doesn’t happen when we’re hiding, impersonating, posturing. It just doesn’t. It’s the way we come into the character of Jesus Christ. And, it’s the way we help our friends to, as well. You see, while very few of us men are willing to go first, most of us will follow those who do: “If he can do it . . .” So, when one of us steels himself and humbles himself, others follow. Going first is, therefore, both holy and heroic. Going first puts us squarely at the front of God’s offensive: healing the brokenhearted and setting the captives free (Luke 4:18).​ ​ ​

[td] Okay, so what do we do? Someone must go first. Somebody always does. Be courageous. Pray boldly, brother: “If someone must, let it be me.” Among your group of friends, be that guy. It’ll be scary, sure. It might not go really well. But, that’s okay. We men are built for this kind of stuff. We’d wither without opposition. And it’s all worth it. This can be some of the most important work we’ll ever do.​ ​ ​

[td] [ 1 min read ★ ]​ ​ ​ ​

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[RiverOL]

Waiting Well Does Us All Good​

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

Lamentations 3: 25

Remember that old saying, I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream? Well, in today’s world ice cream isn’t what’s causing most folk to run around screaming in silent frustration. It’s waiting. We’re a sorry bunch of “waiters” aren’t we? Our entire nation wants, no, demands that needs be met immediately. Whether the coveted object(ive) is small or large, matters not. Americans young and old are continually being fed the fabrication that if we desire something, it is within our power and rights to obtain it. No delay required.

We Are All Waiting For Something​

Too bad real life begs to disagree. And disagree it does. Consider all that you’ve waited for in your own life. We wait to get better after feeling ill. We wait for someone to reply to an urgent request. We wait for doctors, dentists, hair stylists, spouses, children. We wait in lines. We wait for our turn. We wait to be heard. We wait to be found or found out. We wait for a better job. We wait to receive an education. We wait for repair technicians, for parts, for labor, for bills. We wait to hear the weather. We wait for the sports news, evening news, bad news, good news, any news at all. Let’s face it, for a huge portion of our lives we must wait.

We Can Learn To Wait Well​

Since in large measure, waiting is life and life is waiting; why not learn to wait the best way we can? Let’s switch around former assumptions and learn to view wait time as the opportune time to: develop quietness, listen better, see more clearly, contemplate tough decisions, reflect and be thankful. We can do this. We can. If we choose to use all that anxiety-ridden energy and channel it into a different direction, our waiting will be transformed.

We’ll be changed and as we accept waiting as a necessary ally rather than a mortal adversary, everything about “us” will alter too. There will suddenly be more time for what’s important, for appreciating the subtle beauty of daily life, and for resting contentedly wherever we find ourselves. We can take comfort that time is fluid, moving, and never stagnant. No matter how long the wait, or how painful, it won’t last forever. History proves this. It should also convince us that there are moments and spaces of time when it is only after we traverse through the waiting stage that genuine hope arrives on the scene.

Let Us Learn To Wait On God​

Author Ken Gire writes, “We can’t hurry the dawn, no matter how anxiously we pace the floor or how impatiently we watch the clock. And so the question is not do we wait or not wait, because waiting is all we can do. The question is, how will we wait? Will we wait well…or will we wait poorly?”




How We Wait

• W – warm up to the concept of waiting well. Think back to all the times you rushed ahead, emotionally propelled, rather than taking it one thoughtful step at a time. How often did “rushing ahead” really ever benefit you? Moreover, how frequently did it cause undue pain either to yourself or someone else?
• A – accept waiting as an integral part of life. There’s no changing this fact, waiting is part of every day. Despite our hurry, hurry mentality, waiting does us good as we accept it, make peace with it, and quietly allow waiting to do its inner work in our hearts and minds.
• I – instill periods of waiting into your hours and days. Set aside precious minutes to simply be still…and see how these moments of inactivity help you to re-interpret what’s really important. By purposefully stepping back, and stepping out of the fray…we learn to see better…live better…but it doesn’t happen without us taking responsibility for the time allotted us.
• T – talk back to yourself during those stretches when waiting feels unbearable. Don’t just listen to negative self-condemning mind chatter…speak against it with real truth found in the promises of God that speak of His faithfulness, His unchangeableness, His constancy, despite unnerving circumstances.

 

[RiverOL]

Six warning signs of a “drifting” marriage​

I recently sat down with a couple who have been married for a long time, but recently some relational “drift” in their marriage had slowly sent them in opposite directions like two ships that are each just slightly off course, but over time, that slight drift caused a huge gap between them. This couple had the abrupt wakeup call of an Emotional Affair which threatened to end their marriage if immediate action wasn’t taken.


Any marriage left on autopilot will eventually start drifting in the wrong direction. It’s important to correct the course the moment you recognize the sometimes subtle signs that you’re drifting apart. Here are six warning signs that some unhealthy drifting may be happening in your marriage:



In no particular order…

1.You each spend more of your free time doing individual activities than you spend doing activities together.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with having some hobbies you enjoy independently, BUT when the majority of your free time is wrapped up in activities that don’t include your spouse, that’s a huge red flag that relational drift is leading you in the wrong direction. Find some shared activities you both enjoy doing together, and it could make a huge difference in your marriage.

2. You have “his friends” and “her friends” but not “our friends.”

Again, hanging out with some friends without your spouse isn’t always a bad thing, BUT when your primary social interactions don’t include your spouse, you’re might be subtly sabotaging your marriage. Find some “couple friends” that you both enjoy hanging out with together. Include your spouse as much as possible.


3. You don’t have much physical affection outside the bedroom.

A lack of sex can be its own warning sign, but we’ve found many couples who are drifting may still be have sex frequently. A better indicator of “drift” happens with the amount of affection happening outside of the bedroom. When you rarely cuddle, hold hands, put your arm around his/her shoulder, etc., that’s usually a warning sign. For more on better intimacy inside and outside of the bedroom, check out our most popular video course by clicking here.

4. You find yourself hiding things from your spouse.

This can start subtly and seem innocent at first, but this is a HUGE red flag from the moment it begins. If you find yourself hiding purchases, text messages or anything else from your spouse, please bring it out into the open. A marriage can’t survive without complete transparency and trust. If you’re doing, saying, texting, spending ANYTHING that you hope your spouse doesn’t find out about, you’re drifting towards a crash if you don’t correct the course.




5. You get more excited about your career or your hobbies than you get about your marriage.

Whenever our best energies, thoughts and goals are geared towards pursuits outside of our marriage and family, our marriage and family will tend to get our leftovers instead of our best efforts. It’s good to work hard and even to have some hobbies, but when those endeavors eclipse our marriage in terms of our excitement or commitment, then we’re drifting in the wrong direction.

6. You and your spouse rarely or never talk about your dreams together for the future.

When you get into the daily grind of work or raising kids and don’t make an intentional effort to keep dreaming new dreams together for the future, you’ll slowly start drifting towards a future without each other. Keep working together to meet new goals and dreaming together about creating new adventures and experiences together. Those are some of the keys to a lifelong love with each other and creating a legacy through your love that will endure for generations to come!