6 Things to Try Before Giving Up On Your Marriage
We’ve long understood the pain and perils of relationships characterized by physical and emotional abuse. The toxic and often tragic consequences of abuse between couples are as wide ranging as they are reprehensible.
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However, there is another kind of abuse, often obscured and unseen, that wreaks havoc on relationships and leaves dissatisfaction, distress, and divorce in its wake. In a recent article for The Good Men Project, Thomas G. Fiffer explores the silent suffering of those in unhealthy and unloving marriages.
Fiffer describes the all too common, but equally overlooked unions marked by emotional withholding as one in which “coldness replaces warmth, silence replaces conversation, turning away replaces turning towards, dismissiveness replaces receptivity, and contempt replaces respect.” And because of the insidious, creeping and passive aggressive nature of this sort of dysfunction, Fiffer argues that it is difficult to identify and remedy.
Arising out of chronic breakdowns in communication, and likely informed by self-esteem issues and a lack of connectivity on the part of the abusive partner, the fallout manifests as a failure to love and be loved. Couples talk past and look through one another, and the problems triggered by loneliness and isolation begin to pile up on each other.
For instance, Christine and Jake have been married for fourteen years and they three children ranging from ages three to twelve. During a recent counseling session, Christine declared that they have fallen out of love and are considering getting a divorce. With intensity in her voice she states, “Jake has a pattern of withholding his thoughts and feelings from me and I’ve become very resentful and lonely.”
Christine put it like this, “For a few years, I saw myself as saving Jake from his unfortunate childhood. His mom died when he was eight and he was raised by an alcoholic grandfather and passive grandmother. But after we had our second child, things became unbearable, like I wasn’t even in the room and he only responded to our boys when he absolutely had to.”
Because emotional withholding lacks the obvious and overt trauma of physical and verbal abuse, the distance between partners grows slowly over time, giving way to quiet desperation. Without the closeness and companionship of a successful and supportive relationship, the emotional center of the couple is all but missing. The spouse who is the object of abuse is left with fear, doubt and the inability to trust in their partner or their future together.
Fiffer points out that victims of emotional withhold are paradoxically “wish[ing] for the fight… because even a shouting match, an ugly scene, would involve an exchange of words, because even physical conflict would constitute physical connection, because fire, even if it burns you, is preferable to ice.” And like a pot about to boil over, the possibility for physical and verbal abuse naturally grows out of this condition of emotional neglect.
The fragility and anguish caused by emotional withholding is described eloquently by Fiffer: “Your accomplishments go unrecognized, your contributions unmentioned, your presence at best grudgingly acknowledged, and any effort at bridging the chasm is spurned.” Indeed, the desperate search for love in a loveless relationship leads to “pleading, begging, literally on your knees, apologizing for everything, offering things that are distasteful to you, promising to be better, just to re-secure your partner’s affection.”
Christine continues, “Sometimes it’s like I’m so desperate to get Jake’s attention that I will go to great lengths to get him to notice me – even shouting at him or threatening to leave.”
In the end, Fiffer asserts that “there’s only one way to deal effectively with a partner who withholds from you, and it’s this: You must make it clear that the relationship is OVER, FOREVER, if your partner does not start acknowledging you and communicating.”
While ultimatums and hard decisions may lay ahead, it’s plain to see that an emotionally healthy and stable marriage starts with fostering — and actively practicing — an open dialogue, expressions of love, and the kind of supportive give and take that can make your relationship a two-way street.
Now that you know the signs that your relationship is suffering or dying due to emotional withholding, here are six things you can try before giving up.
- Stop criticizing your partner.
- Take responsibility for our own actions and ask for what you need in a positive way.
- Practice managing conflicts as they arise.
- Boost up physical affection and sex.
- Practice a ritual of connection daily.
- Nurture fondness and admiration for your partner.
A happy couple is free from the agony of emotional withholding. As a result, they are able to build and maintain trust, and acknowledge their fears of failure; hopefully viewing their relationship as a source of security and strength. They turn toward each other often and look for opportunities for emotional and physical connection to enhance intimacy and communication.
