I absolutely hate dating nowadays. Life has been busy ever since I broke off with M. Well, it's not that I hate dating, but my energy levels are zilch at the end of each day, after pouring my heart and soul into my career. Even my weekends are not spared from teleconference calls.
Further, I rarely find someone I like nowadays, and when I have, it hasn't worked out. I don't really even consider myself picky. There are certain "men" qualities which I find indispensable, like the man being extremely funny and outgoing. I've always dated extremely loud, funny, outgoing, confident, driven, successful, masculine men. My personality is more chill, feminine and submissive to the right man, so I tend to mesh very well with these men.
I am "technically" single, but I have been on and off for almost a year with this chap. Let's call him G.
G is more than 20 years older than me, a couple of tens of millions in net worth. He's extremely funny and often makes me laugh whenever we were together. The sexual chemistry between us was fantastic. He's sort of what I would call "necromantic" (not sure whether I should be using this word, but what the heck!). When we make out, he's able to "lift" and "talk" me from my dull, uninterested body and soul to salient heights of instantaneous carnal gratification.
G said "I love you" a month into relationship, during and after our first make out. However, apart from these intimacy talks of love, he seemed to be afraid of commitment and often brushed off topics of getting into an exclusive relationship with me. I reckon that I have fallen for him, but at the back of my mind, I harboured thoughts that it's probably not going to work out, except for carnal transactions.
G is sort of a selfish man. He's non committal and a Marlboro red chain smoker. Sometimes, I think that his excessive smoking is killing his brain to the point that he doesn't care about or want a relationship. A couple of weeks ago before CNY 2020, we had a sort of a bad argument and did not speak for a while. Strangely, he sent me a CNY greeting via Whatsapp and we ended up having our "romantic getaway".
However post that, he had gone cold again and we haven't met or chatted on WhatsApp. It felt to me like he's striken with Covid-19, and permanently locked up in a quarantine facility, which also barred any form of telecommunicating messaging! What an assholic scumbag!
Well, I met a new man ("E") a week ago. E is good looking (I wouldn't say he's hunky or handsome), successful, and running his own profitable manufacturing business from Singapore and Taipei. E feels like everything I wanted.
Well, we went for 2 dates, and this morning, E tells me that he wasn't looking for anything permanent or serious. I am sort of depressed today, and hence, writing this piece of shitty garbage in this god forsaken forum! E is what I always envisioned as husband material. Fxxking depressing to the max!
I know I need to get myself out there and date again but it is hard for me. I've dated men who are hilarious, good-looking, and rich. Subsequently, when I go on dates with other lackluster men, I get depressed again.
I'm just sad that things couldn't work out with the men ~ M, G and E ~ that I met and had carnal gratification with.
It's just making me sad and feel like I'm not good enough.
Let's be honest. The dating pool is not that great. I'm amazed when men like M, G and E acting distant, like they are able to go out and find someone better than me so easily?
I'm feeling so dejected. I really want to get married and have a family. I'm afraid that I'm not going to find someone, where the feeling is mutual and loving in an exclusive relationship.
I am crying as I write this now. I just want everything to work out with a man I want.
Depressed.
