* ALL Questions about Relationships *

[Patriot]

What does the Bible say about asexuality?

Answer

Physiologically, asexuality is defined as “the state of having no evident sex or functional sex organs; sexless.” Typically, though, asexuality refers to a lack of sexual feelings. Jesus’ mention of “eunuchs” in Matthew 19:12 could be taken as a reference to physiological asexuality, but, for the purposes of this article, we will deal only with the lack of sexual attraction or desire. Is it wrong for a person to not have any sexual desire or attraction whatsoever?

What Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7 is the closest thing to a biblical mention of asexuality. In verse 1 he says it’s good for a man not to marry. In times of singleness, without the constraints of family, a person can be available to be used by God anywhere and at any time. In contrast, in verses 2-6, Paul writes that marriage is good for those who have a deep passion for the opposite sex. Marriage allows those passions to be fulfilled in a godly way. Paul then makes it clear in verses 7-8 that he was, at that time, not married. God had given Paul the gift of singleness, the ability to be happily and contently unmarried. Does this mean Paul had absolutely no desire for sex and/or no desire to be married? Not necessarily, but whatever Paul’s desire, it clearly was not as consuming as his desire to serve God. Note – in 1 Corinthians 9:5, Paul perhaps indicates a desire to marry.

So, is it wrong for a person to have no desire to get married? According to 1 Corinthians 7, no, it most definitely is not wrong. Remaining single can be a very good thing, as it can free a person to have more time to serve God. Remaining single, though, does not necessarily indicate asexuality, that is, a lack of desire for the opposite sex. The gift of singleness mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7 is the ability to be content without marriage, not necessarily lacking any and all desire for marriage. If one has no desire for marriage/sex, and is confident that this is of the Lord, he/she should use the time of singleness for wholehearted service in God’s kingdom. It would not be wrong, though, to seek medical consultation, to ensure that the asexuality is not due to some sort of hormonal imbalance.

For Further Study

Authentic Beauty: The Shaping of a Set-Apart Young Woman by Leslie Ludy

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

I am in the process of getting a divorce. Can I start dating?

Answer

The question of dating during the divorce process is difficult to answer for several reasons. For one thing, the concept of “dating” as we know it today is nowhere mentioned in the Bible. Most marriages in Bible times were arranged, and any contact between two prospective spouses was strictly monitored. In addition, no matter what view one takes on the issue of divorce, it is important to remember Malachi 2:16: “‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD, the God of Israel” (NAS). According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6). No decision to divorce should be made lightly.

There are three situations in which dating during the divorce process might occur. The first is the case of a spouse who has biblical grounds for divorce. That is, the innocent spouse has been abandoned by his/her unbelieving spouse or has been cheated on by an unrepentant adulterer. In either case, the innocent spouse is most likely in a state of emotional turmoil and vulnerability. Most people going through a divorce, even when it is not their fault and even when they have biblical reasons, are usually shattered by the circumstances and not in any frame of mind to be “dating.” People don’t usually make good decisions while “on the rebound.” For a still-hurting divorced person or someone in a painful divorce process to be dating is neither wise nor prudent. The abandoned spouse may indeed be lonely, but making clear-headed, godly relationship decisions in such a situation is difficult, if not impossible.

The second situation in which dating during the divorce process could occur is that of a person who divorces his/her spouse for non-biblical reasons. A divorce in this case, in the words of God, is due to “hardness of heart” (Mark 10:1–12). Such a divorce, therefore, is a spiritual failure and should prompt those involved to focus on the Lord and not on seeking to replace the one being divorced.

The third situation in which dating during the divorce process might occur is that of a person who causes a divorce, i.e., the “guilty” party in a divorce. All of the biblical allowances for remarriage after a divorce relate to the “innocent” spouse in a divorce with biblical grounds. There is no biblical allowance for remarriage for a spouse divorced for unbiblical reasons or for a spouse who caused a divorce, whether by adultery, abandonment, and/or other possible grounds. The Bible nowhere states that the “guilty” spouse in a divorce is allowed to remarry; therefore, he or she should not be dating.

Since the purpose of dating to find a spouse or to seek companionship with the opposite sex, biblically speaking, a married man or woman is not free to date, even if there is a pending divorce. Even the innocent victim of an unwanted divorce is still married until the marriage is legally or formally ended. Forging a dating relationship outside of marriage, even for those getting a divorce, gives the wrong appearance. The better choice is to abstain from any action that could endanger one spiritually or give the impression to others of a careless attitude toward marriage.

For Further Study

Divorce and Remarriage: 4 Views edited By H. Wayne House

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

What should I do if I cannot decide whom I should be dating?


Answer

The Bible does not specifically address this topic, but it does give us insight into what we should seek in a potential spouse. The first, and best, advice is to pray about it. God will give wisdom and guidance if you ask for it. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

Second Corinthians 6:14 instructs, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” The first question to ask is whether the potential spouse is devoted to God. If he/she is not, that person should not be considered for a potential spouse. On the other hand, just because one follows Christ, that does not make him/her the right choice. Being “equally yoked” can also go deeper than just “Is he/she a Christian?” There are many different beliefs in Christianity, and this should be taken into account when choosing a potential spouse. Consider what marriage would be like with this person. Are your beliefs close enough that you can agree to teach your children the same doctrines? This is of great importance.

For men, it’s important to look at what a Christian wife is supposed to be. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:22-24). Paul tells us that a wife is to be submissive to her husband, out of love. This does not necessarily mean that the girl you are considering a relationship with should submit wholly to you. In dating she is not obligated to. However, she should not have a rebellious spirit, but should submit to the authorities she is under, out of love. She should be willing to be led. Proverbs 31:10-31 tells us what the “wife of noble character” is like. She is hard working, generous and charitable, strong, and wise. You may not be able to find all of these traits in one person, but these are desirable traits and pleasing to God.

Another scripture describing a wife who is pleasing to God is 1 Peter 3:1-4: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” This tells us that a woman should be pure and living for Christ so that she can win a lost husband over without words. It also indicates that she should not be as concerned about outward appearances as she is about her spiritual life.

For women, there are a few illustrations of what a Christian husband is to be. Although the person you are considering a relationship with is not your husband, you should look for qualities that display this kind of love. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:25-27). Is he loving? Is he willing to lead people toward Christ and help them to be holy and blameless? Is he a leader? A man should love God above all else and be willing to help his brothers and sisters in Christ to strive to be holy and pleasing to God. He should be humble, wise, and merciful, just as Christ was. Watch for these qualities in a man, because this is what is pleasing to God.

You will not find a “perfect” person with all of these qualities, but God will let you see if someone you are considering a relationship with is striving to be pleasing to Him. Just as with any other big decision in life, relationships should be treated with caution, wisdom, and handled with discernment and much prayer.

For Further Study

The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

What are valid reasons for breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Answer

This is a difficult question to answer, no matter what was said or done. The first thing to remember is the advice Jesus gave Peter about forgiving someone who has sinned against him: “Then Peter came to Him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” (Matthew 18:21–22). Forgiving the other person in the relationship should be the first step you take in deciding what to do.

You can think of dating/courting as practice for marriage. This doesn’t mean you should stay with the first person you date/court and marry them. God may lead you to someone else, but it is best to forgive and try to work things out unless, through careful, humble prayer, God has led you to leave the relationship. You should put into practice the idea of making things work, as you would in marriage, instead of running away when your potential spouse does something that bothers or hurts you.

There is one thing that would definitely be a reason to consider breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 5:9–11, “When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.” If your boyfriend or girlfriend indulges in any of these sins, Paul says the relationship must be broken. Those whose lives are characterized by greediness, immorality, idolatry, etc., are not suitable marriage partners.

Circumstances are different for each situation, and it is always difficult to tell someone what to do in a given situation. It is clear that God wants us to demonstrate forgiveness in all situations, but as for leaving someone, the only way to know how to handle a problem in a relationship is through prayer, with discernment, wisdom, and compassion.

For Further Study

The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

How important is physical attraction when looking for a spouse?

Answer

There is no doubt that God created men and women to be physically attracted to one another. The sexual component in marriage is important for intimacy between husband and wife for procreation and the survival of the human race. At the same time, arranged marriages—including those in which the couple do not even see each other until the wedding—were the norm in centuries past and are still practiced today in parts of the world.

Solomon described the attraction of the bridegroom for his beloved in chapters 4 and 7 of Song of Songs. He describes her physical beauty and his desire for her. She reciprocates in chapter 8, describing her passion for him and her desire for his embrace. Song of Songs is a beautiful depiction of conjugal love in which physical attraction is a component.

This is not to say that physical attraction is the most important aspect to be considered when looking for a husband or wife. For one thing, beauty should not be defined by the world. That which the world finds beautiful falls well below the standard of beauty described in Scripture. Physical beauty fades with time, but true inner beauty shines forth from a woman who loves God (Proverbs 31:30). Peter encourages women to develop inner beauty that comes from “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful” (1 Peter 3:3-5). Outer beauty is fleeting; inner beauty is eternal.

The attractiveness of a man should also be that which comes from within. The most obvious example in Scripture is Jesus, who “had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him” (Isaiah 53:2). Yet the beauty of His grace, as the incarnate Son of God, shone forth from within Him to all who truly knew Him. The strength of character displayed in the Son of Man should be modeled by every man on earth.

Outward beauty is fleeting, but men and women whose judgment is impaired by sin place undue importance on it. God’s perspective is different. “The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). A prospective husband or wife should be a genuine, born-again Christian who is growing and maturing in the faith and who is obedient to Christ. Two people having the same purpose in life—to glorify God in all they do—will find that their physical attraction to one another increases daily and lasts for a lifetime.

For Further Study

The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

Why is virginity so important in the Bible?

Answer

When the Bible uses the word virgin, it refers to an unmarried person who has not had sexual relations (see Esther 2:2 and Revelation 14:4). In today’s culture, many people use the word virginity to express sexual purity; however, many others use a technical definition to find loopholes in moral standards, limiting the word to mean only “the condition of never having gone all the way”—thus, a couple can do anything and everything short of sexual intercourse and still technically call themselves “virgins.” This is an unprofitable word game. Chastity should affect the heart, mind, and soul, not just certain body parts.

The Bible’s emphasis is not so much on a technical or medical definition of virginity as it is on the condition of a person’s heart. The morality we espouse and the actions we choose give evidence of our heart’s condition. The Bible’s standard is clear: celibacy before marriage and monogamy after marriage.

There are three serious reasons to save sex for marriage. First, as believers, we are to obey what God tells us to do. First Corinthians 6:18–20 states, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” If we are in Christ, He has purchased us with the sacrifice of His life. He is our Lord and we are to honor Him.

The second reason is that we are to fight our spiritual battles wearing the breastplate of righteousness (Ephesians 6:14). We are in a contest between our new nature in Christ and our fleshly desires. First Thessalonians 4:3–7 says, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.” Allowing your body (rather than the Spirit) to control your actions is an act of defiance against God. Godly, loving sex between a husband and wife is giving and unselfish. Using someone to fulfill a desire of the flesh is self-centered and abusive. Even if the partner is willing, you are still helping him or her to sin and negatively altering that person’s relationship with God and others.

The final reason involves the “mystery” of marriage (Ephesians 5:31-32). When God spoke of two people being joined as one, He was referring to something we’re only beginning to understand in a real, physiological way. When two people are intimate, the hypothalamus in the brain releases chemicals that induce feelings of attachment and trust. Having sex outside of marriage results in a person forming an attachment and trusting someone with whom he or she does not have a committed relationship. The definition of trust in the mind deteriorates. To have that kind of link with someone without the security of working together toward God is dangerous. Two individuals who are—even mildly—physiologically obsessed with each other but not committed to growing in God as a couple can be torn from God and His plans for them.

Conversely, if two people make a conscious, deliberate choice to commit to each other in marriage, and then allow the intimacy that releases these chemicals, the body can reaffirm the connection the mind has made. The physiological feelings of trust and attachment are reinforced by the reality of the relationship. In this way, two people become one physically, and that reflects what God has done spiritually.

Marriage is to model the relationship between the church and Christ. A married couple is to serve God in a strong, unified partnership. Sex, along with procreation, was designed by God to strengthen that partnership. Sex outside of marriage creates bonds that tear apart people’s hearts instead of joining them together.

Finally, we need to remember a few things about virginity, and the lack thereof, given God’s grace. Those who come to Christ after engaging in premarital sexual relationships are not virgins; however, they are fully cleansed by Christ at the moment they are saved. God can redeem anyone, and He can heal those who have indulged their fleshly lusts. For those who engaged in premarital sex after becoming a Christian, there is forgiveness in Christ. He can cleanse us from all unrighteousness and bring healing (1 John 1:9). And, in the horrible case of a person victimized by sexual abuse or rape, who may feel that she or he, through no fault of their own, no longer measures up to the ideal standard of “virginity,” Christ is able to restore her or his spirit, heal her or his brokenness, and grant her or him wholeness.

For Further Study

When God Writes Your Love Story: The Ultimate Guide to Guy/Girl Relationships by Eric & Leslie Ludy

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

What does it mean to be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14)?

Answer

The phrase “unequally yoked” comes from 2 Corinthians 6:14 in the King James Version: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” The New American Standard Version says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?”



A yoke is a wooden bar that joins two oxen to each other and to the burden they pull. An “unequally yoked” team has one stronger ox and one weaker, or one taller and one shorter. The weaker or shorter ox would walk more slowly than the taller, stronger one, causing the load to go around in circles. When oxen are unequally yoked, they cannot perform the task set before them. Instead of working together, they are at odds with one another.

Paul’s admonition in 2 Corinthians 6:14 is part of a larger discourse to the church at Corinth on the Christian life. He discouraged them from being in an unequal partnership with unbelievers because believers and unbelievers are opposites, just as light and darkness are opposites. They simply have nothing in common, just as Christ has nothing in common with “Belial,” a Hebrew word meaning “worthlessness” (verse 15). Here Paul uses it to refer to Satan. The idea is that the pagan, wicked, unbelieving world is governed by the principles of Satan and that Christians should be separate from that wicked world, just as Christ was separate from all the methods, purposes, and plans of Satan. He had no participation in them; He formed no union with them, and so it should be with the followers of the one in relation to the followers of the other. Attempting to live a Christian life with a non-Christian for our close friend and ally will only cause us to go around in circles.

The “unequal yoke” is often applied to business relationships. For a Christian to enter into a partnership with an unbeliever is to court disaster. Unbelievers have opposite worldviews and morals, and business decisions made daily will reflect the worldview of one partner or the other. For the relationship to work, one or the other must abandon his moral center and move toward that of the other. More often than not, it is the believer who finds himself pressured to leave his Christian principles behind for the sake of profit and the growth of the business.

Of course, the closest alliance one person can have with another is found in marriage, and this is how the passage is usually interpreted. God’s plan is for a man and a woman to become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24), a relationship so intimate that one literally and figuratively becomes part of the other. Uniting a believer with an unbeliever is essentially uniting opposites, which makes for a very difficult marriage relationship.

For Further Study

The Unsaved Christian: Reaching Cultural Christians with the Gospel by Dean Inserra

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

What does it mean to be unequally yoked? | GotQuestions.org