* ALL Questions about Relationships *

[Patriot]

What does the Bible say about flirting?


Answer

The Bible does not specifically talk to us about whether or not flirting is wrong, so what we should do is examine the definition of flirting. According to Merriam-Webster, flirting is "a) to behave amorously without serious intent, or b) to show superficial or casual interest or liking." It is synonymous with the word trifle, which is something of little value. The next thing we should examine is what people are usually trying to accomplish when they flirt. Are they trying to get attention from others, whether it is negative or positive? Are they attempting to show sexual interest or attraction? Do they see it as “innocent fun,” even if they or the other person is involved with someone else, even married?

Having casual contact with someone while purposely entertaining sexual undertones can be dangerous for us spiritually. Although most people believe that as long as nothing physical takes place, what goes on in our minds is irrelevant, the Bible tells us otherwise. “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye – even if it is your good eye – causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:28-29).

Sin begins in our minds and then moves to our hearts. Matthew 12:35 tells us that “a good person produces good words from a good heart, and an evil person produces evil words from an evil heart.” It is a fact that whatever we surround ourselves with, whatever we indulge ourselves in, and whatever we fill our minds with is what we will become. This is why Philippians 4:8 says, “Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

Although flirting is almost always described as “harmless,” it rarely, if ever, actually is. The first thing to consider is what people generally think about those who flirt. A woman who flirts, for example, will develop a reputation as being promiscuous. She will find that other women look at her as a threat and take an instant disliking to her. A man who flirts will be viewed as a womanizer who is not interested in serious relationships. Anyone who flirts may enjoy the attention, but the interest shown to that person is almost exclusively sexual and will probably lack any sense of respect.

The Bible tells us that we are to be a good example, showing others the love of Christ through our behavior (Ephesians 5:1-2). It is possible that a man or woman who is being flirted with has been struggling with lustful thoughts themselves. When a person of the opposite sex is hanging on them, winking at them, touching them, or showing off their body to them, it will make the person’s struggle all the more difficult. The Bible strongly warns us against tempting others to sin (Matthew 18:7). We should do all we can to bring others into God’s Kingdom and never do anything that would cause a person to stumble in his Christian walk (Romans 14:21). First Corinthians 10:31 reminds us, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

For Further Study

The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

What does the Bible say about age differences in relationships?


Answer

If you do a Bible search for the phrase age differences in relationships, you will find exactly 0 results. In fact, a person’s age is rarely mentioned in Scripture, and this holds true for married couples in the Bible. We just don’t know of couples’ age differences in the Bible.

Abraham and Sarah are the exception; we do know the age difference between those two. When God promised Abraham that he and Sarah would be the start of many nations, “Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, ‘Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?’” (Genesis 17:17). Based on Abraham’s mirthful questions, he and Sarah were ten years apart—not a huge age difference, but noteworthy. There are no other couples in the Bible where both individuals’ ages are given.

It is often assumed that Boaz was significantly older than Ruth. This is based on a passage in Ruth 3. When Ruth asks Boaz to be her kinsman-redeemer, Boaz replies, “The Lord bless you, my daughter. . . . You have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor” (verse 10). The implication is that Ruth, rather than seeking a husband among those closer to her own age, either in Moab or in Israel, sought to follow Jewish custom and place herself under the protection of the more mature Boaz. The Jewish Mishnah sets Boaz’s age at 80 and Ruth’s at 40 (Ruth Rabbah 7:4; Ruth Zuta 4:13), but that’s pure speculation, since the Bible does not reveal the age difference between the two.

It’s also commonly thought that Joseph was significantly older than Mary. However, there is absolutely nothing in the Bible to indicate that.

Given the Bible’s silence on the issue, we can say that, in the end, age differences in relationships are not a major concern to God. Age can be important in a marriage, of course, but it is far less important than other issues such as salvation, spiritual maturity, compatibility, etc. As people get older, age differences mean less and less. Obviously, a 40-year-old marrying an 18-year-old will raise some eyebrows, but no one thinks twice about an 82-year-old marrying a 60-year-old.

The person we marry should be of the opposite gender (Genesis 2:21–25), and he or she should be a believer in Christ (2 Corinthians 6:14). And, of course, we should marry for the proper reasons (lust and greed being improper reasons). Beyond those guidelines, we have a certain amount of freedom concerning whom to marry. Age differences are a matter of consideration, and we should certainly ask for wisdom when the difference is great (James 1:5), but the Bible does not treat age differences as a moral or spiritual issue.

For Further Study

The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

How can I know if I am in love?

Answer

Love is a very powerful emotion. It motivates much of our lives. We make many important decisions based on this emotion, and even get married because we feel that we are “in love.” This may be the reason about half of all first marriages end in divorce. The Bible teaches us that true love is not an emotion that can come or go, but a decision. We are not just to love those who love us; we should even love those who hate us, the same way that Christ loves the unlovable (Luke 6:35). “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

It can be very easy to “fall in love” with someone, but there are some questions to ask before deciding if what we are feeling is true love. First, is this person a Christian, meaning has he given his life to Christ? Is he/she trusting Christ alone for salvation? Also, if you are considering giving your heart and emotions to one person, you should ask yourself if you are willing to put that person above all other people and to put your relationship second only to God. The Bible tells us that when two people get married, they become one flesh (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5).

Another thing to consider is whether or not the loved one is a good candidate for being a mate. Has he/she already put God first and foremost in his/her life? Is he/she able to give his/her time and energy to building the relationship into a marriage that will last a lifetime? There is no measuring stick to determine when we are truly in love with someone, but it is important to discern whether we are following our emotions or following God’s will for our lives. True love is a decision, not just an emotion. True biblical love is loving someone all of the time, not just when you feel “in love.”

For Further Study

Get Lost: Your Guide to Finding True Love by Dannah Gresh

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

Is it wrong to have a romantic relationship with a close relative?


Answer

The relationships that God forbade in the Old Testament Law are listed in Leviticus chapter 18, verses 6–18. In that passage, the Israelites are commanded not to commit incest, which is a defiling sin (Leviticus 18:24). The law lists relationships, whether involving marriage or not, that God defined as incestuous. An Israelite man was not to marry or have sex with the following people:

His mother
His stepparent
His sister or half-sister (and possibly step-sister of no biological relation brought up as the daughter of his biological parent)
His aunt
His daughter-in-law
His sister-in-law, as long as his wife was living (Leviticus 18:18)

Interestingly, marriage between cousins is nowhere forbidden in the Bible. The other relationships listed above are immoral.

Before the law was given, in the early days of humanity, there was a need for marriage between close relatives, as there were a limited number of human beings. Adam and Eve’s children married their siblings, by necessity. Even in those days, however, marriage between parent and child was not allowable, as Genesis 2:24 implies: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” A man was to leave his mother, not marry her.

It was not until humanity increased greatly on the earth that people no longer needed to intermarry among relatives. In the early days of humanity, the human genetic code was not corrupted to the extent that it is today. Therefore, marriages between close relatives carried little risk of genetic abnormalities in the children they produced. Once the human race expanded and, due to sin, the human genetic code grew more corrupt, God commanded against the marriage of close relatives.

There is nothing essentially wrong with marrying a first cousin or other, more distant relative. There are other considerations, though. One is the civil law in the place where we live: many places disallow marriage between first cousins, and the Bible commands us to obey the laws of the nation we live in (Romans 13:1–6).

While Christians are no longer under the Law of Moses, the moral principles still stand. That means that the relationships listed in Leviticus 18 are still immoral. No one should marry a sibling or a parent. The only moral exception to the list is that of marriage to an in-law after the death of a spouse.

For Further Study

The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

What is the difference between dating and courting?


Answer

Dating and courtship are two methods of beginning relationships with the opposite sex. While there are non-Christians who date with the intention of having a series of intimate physical relationships, for the Christian this is not acceptable and should never be the reason for dating. Many Christians see dating as little more than friendship and maintain the friendship aspect of their dating until both people are ready to commit to each other as potential marriage partners. First and foremost, dating is a time when a Christian finds out if his or her potential marriage partner is also a believer in Christ. The Bible warns that believers and unbelievers should not marry each other, because those living in the light (of Christ) and those living in the darkness cannot live in harmony (2 Corinthians 6:14–15). Christians who date should limit their physical contact with each other to avoid temptation (1 Corinthians 6:18–20).

Those who advocate courtship instead of dating take the position that the couple should have no physical contact at all (no touching, no handholding, no kissing) until marriage. Many in a courtship relationship will not spend any time together unless family members, preferably parents, are also present. In addition, courting couples state up front that their intentions are to see if they are suitable marriage partners. Courtship advocates claim that courtship allows for two people to truly get to know each other in a platonic setting without the pressures of physical intimacy or emotions clouding their view.

There are problems inherent with both relationship approaches. For daters, spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex whom they find attractive can present hard-to-resist temptations. The Christian dating couple must have boundaries in place and be committed to not crossing them. If they find this hard to do, they must take steps to ensure that Christ will always be honored during their time together and that sin is never given a chance to take hold in their relationship. If the dating couple are still under parental authority, then the parents should be involved, knowledgeable, and available.

The courtship style presents its own set of difficulties. While many courtship advocates see it as the only choice for finding a mate, others find it oppressive and overly controlling. In addition, it can be hard to find the “real” person behind the public face presented in front of the entire family. No one is the same in a group setting as he or she is one-on-one. If a couple is never alone together, they never have that one-on-one opportunity to relate and get to know one another in emotional and spiritual intimacy. In addition, some courtship situations have led to something akin to an arranged marriage, which can foster resentment in the couple.

Neither dating nor courtship is mandated in Scripture. In the end, the Christian character and spiritual maturity of the couple is far more important than the exact nature of how and when they spend time together. The result of the process—whatever method is used—should be godly Christian men and women marrying and raising families that honor God. “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31, NKJV).

Believing one’s personal preference—dating or courting—is the “only way” is a pitfall. Looking down on those who make the opposite choice is prideful. The unity of the body of Christ is something we should strive for, regardless of personal choices others make pertaining to relationship issues on which the Bible is silent.

For Further Study

The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible

 

[Patriot]

If an unmarried couple has sex, are they married in God’s eyes?

Answer

The Bible says that marriage happens when “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). It is the “one flesh” aspect of marriage that has led some people to assume that, if an unmarried couple has sex, then they are married in God’s eyes. Is it as simple as that? Or is there more to marriage than the physical act of sex?



We do not believe that the act of sex alone constitutes marriage. We have three reasons for saying so.

First, a reason based on logic. If it were true that premarital sex makes a couple married in God’s eyes, then there would be no such thing as premarital sex. The instant an unmarried couple have sex, they would lose their “premarital” status, becoming each other’s de facto spouse. The Bible’s warnings against premarital sex—a type of fornication—would thus be rendered irrelevant. Premarital sex could not be considered immoral because, the moment sexual intercourse occurred, it would become marital sex. To avoid immorality, couples are counseled in 1 Corinthians 7:2 to get married; but if sex equals marriage, the counsel simply becomes, “To avoid immorality, have sex.” And that’s not the advice Paul was trying to give.

A second reason that the act of sex alone does not constitute marriage is based on the meaning and significance of marriage. The biblical picture of marriage involves the union of a man and woman in every way possible: mentally, emotionally, morally, spiritually, economically, and, yes, physically. Sex joins a man and woman physically and to some extent emotionally, but there is no other union that results. To reduce marriage to the physical union of two people is to disrespect God’s design and ignore most of what marriage is.

Third, marriage requires commitment, and sex does not. In fact, sex cannot provide a sufficient basis for establishing an ongoing relationship. The 1994 movie Speed closes with the two main characters, Jack and Annie, embracing. Jack tells Annie, “I have to warn you, I’ve heard relationships based on intense experiences never work,” to which Annie replies, “OK. We’ll have to base it on sex then.” And they kiss, and the credits roll. Such dialogue is comically fictitious and only works in Hollywood. Committed relationships are grounded in the union of will and intellect and material resources. That’s why cultures worldwide have developed accepted ways of formalizing the marital relationship to make it socially and legally binding.

If an unmarried couple has sex, does that mean they are married? No. The idea is foreign to the Bible, in which premarital sex is considered the sin of fornication. Sexual intercourse may have joined the couple physically for a moment, but that is quite different from God joining them together as husband and wife. It could be that premarital sex will lead to a “shotgun wedding” and a ceremony that “makes an honest man” of the groom. But it’s the ceremony that ties the knot, not the act of sex.

Sex is an important aspect of marriage according to God’s design of intertwining a man and a woman in a committed, lifelong relationship. Sex between unmarried people, though it mimics the physical act of marriage, does not equal marriage.

For Further Study

Hope and Holiness: How the Gospel Enables and Empowers Sexual Purity by John Fonville

Men -

Every Young Man’s Battle : Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation by Stephen Arterburn
.
Women -

Every Young Woman’s Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World by Shannon Ethridge

The Quest Study Bible: Answers to Thousands of Your Questions About the Bible