No, be happy with old fart. He found nirvana in LOS (Lots of Sex) :p
Try:
Deprived, as my WAG dumped me after losing last game
Overdose of blue pill.
-
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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Deprived, as my WAG dumped me after losing last game
Overdose of blue pill.
Re: Kamasutra (life giving lessons)
A school inspector joins the class of a young female primary teacher to assess her performance. He sits down at the back of class and takes out his notebook.
The young teacher writes a sentence on the board, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children. No reaction. Silence.
She goes back to the board, takes a ruler, underlines the sentence in blue, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children. No reaction. Silence.
Sighing, the teacher turns back to the board, draws a box around the sentence in red and says, "Well?"
Little Johny is sitting in the back row; his hand shoots up.
"Yes, Johnny," says the teacher.
"I'd shag the arse off that any day of the week!" says Johnny.
"No, Johnny," says the teacher, blushing, "that's not what I wrote."
Johnny turns to the school inspector:
"Stupid! Make sure you get the answer right next time you whisper."
A school inspector joins the class of a young female primary teacher to assess her performance. He sits down at the back of class and takes out his notebook.
The young teacher writes a sentence on the board, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children. No reaction. Silence.
She goes back to the board, takes a ruler, underlines the sentence in blue, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children. No reaction. Silence.
Sighing, the teacher turns back to the board, draws a box around the sentence in red and says, "Well?"
Little Johny is sitting in the back row; his hand shoots up.
"Yes, Johnny," says the teacher.
"I'd shag the arse off that any day of the week!" says Johnny.
"No, Johnny," says the teacher, blushing, "that's not what I wrote."
Johnny turns to the school inspector:
"Stupid! Make sure you get the answer right next time you whisper."
I heard that Yoga class was a great place to meet women, so I went every day for six months.
Bad news is I didn't meet a girl.
Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob.
During sex with the wife , I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said,
"What are you doing?"
To which I replied, "I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes of mating,
whereas human female prefers to stretch it over a life time.
Bad news is I didn't meet a girl.
Good news is I can now give myself a blowjob.
During sex with the wife , I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said,
"What are you doing?"
To which I replied, "I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes of mating,
whereas human female prefers to stretch it over a life time.
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water. . .
. . . when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes. "
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. The man said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Another FIFA World Cup joke.....
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
. . . when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes. "
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. The man said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Another FIFA World Cup joke.....
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Now How You S'pose She Do That? We men will never know for sure.
A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man: ‘At your age, how do you do that?’
The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’.
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?’.
He said: ‘I told you that you just have to keep the motor running’. Another year and back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said: ‘You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!’.
He said: ‘You got to keep the motor running’.
She answered: ‘Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black’.
Good Ol' Uncle George
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man: ‘At your age, how do you do that?’
The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’.
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?’.
He said: ‘I told you that you just have to keep the motor running’. Another year and back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said: ‘You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!’.
He said: ‘You got to keep the motor running’.
She answered: ‘Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black’.
Good Ol' Uncle George
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
At 3 am a desk clerk at the Holiday Inn gets a phone call from
a very drunk-sounding Boudreaux, asking what time the bar
opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets another call from an even drunker
Boudreaux. "What time dussh de bar open?" he asks. "Same time
as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and Boudreaux calls again, plastered,
"Whenjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk getting more than a
little impatient with this drunken lush answers, "I've already
told you that it opens at noon, but if you absolutely can't
wait, I can have room service bring something up to you."
Boudreaux tells the clerk, "Mais, No... I don't want's to git
in... I'm tryin' to git OUT!!!"
a very drunk-sounding Boudreaux, asking what time the bar
opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets another call from an even drunker
Boudreaux. "What time dussh de bar open?" he asks. "Same time
as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and Boudreaux calls again, plastered,
"Whenjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk getting more than a
little impatient with this drunken lush answers, "I've already
told you that it opens at noon, but if you absolutely can't
wait, I can have room service bring something up to you."
Boudreaux tells the clerk, "Mais, No... I don't want's to git
in... I'm tryin' to git OUT!!!"
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
lol....................
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
lol.............
Your 2 pics tiny... no reflection of your hard-on, or weeny?
:p
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
i scaled it down otherwise BosSam may ban me for using too much....bits or bytes or whatever he calls it.
Your 2 pics tiny... no reflection of your hard-on, or weeny?
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