Geniuses at work.
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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Who let the dogs out but lock up the pussy?
Re: Kamasutra (life giving lessons)
Why we always think our bosses are arseholes and our subordinates full of shit.
Why we always think our bosses are arseholes and our subordinates full of shit.
Profound words of wisdom
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
Divorced Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's family jewels."
Objections?
Brad had a blind date with Ashley for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That's something I have never done before," Ashley replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Brad was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
Divorced Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's family jewels."
Objections?
Brad had a blind date with Ashley for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That's something I have never done before," Ashley replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Brad was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
Blxxdy hilarious (and innocent) :p
An Indian, a Chinaman and a Singh were waiting to get into heaven. God appears and says "Guys, I'm going to give you all a second chance. But if you go back to the questionable practices that got you here in the first place, back you'll come"
So they find themselves walking down the street of a large city. After a couple of blocks, they pass a toddy shop. The Indian stops, stares, walks back and forth and then saunters in. BANG! He disappears. Wow, thinks the other two. We really need to be careful. So another block down, the Chinaman spots a quarter in the gutter sticking out of a pile of trash. Flies are buzzing around, it stinks, but he can't help it. He bends down to pick up the quarter and BANG! The Singh disappears.
So they find themselves walking down the street of a large city. After a couple of blocks, they pass a toddy shop. The Indian stops, stares, walks back and forth and then saunters in. BANG! He disappears. Wow, thinks the other two. We really need to be careful. So another block down, the Chinaman spots a quarter in the gutter sticking out of a pile of trash. Flies are buzzing around, it stinks, but he can't help it. He bends down to pick up the quarter and BANG! The Singh disappears.
An English man, Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scotsman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
Howlers of gifs, Jub :p
And........ Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
‘Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?’
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says,’Buggeroff, ye’ll no bring it back!’
And........ Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
‘Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?’
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says,’Buggeroff, ye’ll no bring it back!’
Scottish bar stool for kilts
They say true Scotsmen wear nothing beneath their kilts.
Now we know
Caption This Pic!
Something looks weird about Alexis Sanchez of Chile in this picture. Just couldn't put a finger on it....
Something looks weird about Alexis Sanchez of Chile in this picture. Just couldn't put a finger on it....
I always wish that I had spent more time with Grandad.
Instead of going out playing football with my friends, I should have spent some quality time visiting him and listening to him reminisce about the old days.
Instead of spending hours playing on my computer I could have gone to the shop for him, bought his favourite newspaper and brought him back some pastries.
Sadly, last month,the old fart won the lottery.
He fucked off to Thailand and never left us a single cent.:(
Instead of going out playing football with my friends, I should have spent some quality time visiting him and listening to him reminisce about the old days.
Instead of spending hours playing on my computer I could have gone to the shop for him, bought his favourite newspaper and brought him back some pastries.
Sadly, last month,the old fart won the lottery.
He fucked off to Thailand and never left us a single cent.:(
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