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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Downspout Repair
Today, a friend’s wife said to him, “Honey, get off your butt and fix that
gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!”
Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend, and most our friends, are
retired and do have the time to address such “Honey do’s”.. So, he
invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.
One is a sheet metal fabricator.
One brought his welder.
One brought beer and Nachos.
One brought a grill and burgers.
Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers,
but we got it done just as we
finished off the last of the beer and burgers.
As usual, the wife is still not happy !
I Can’t understand, cause all us guys love it! Personally, I cannot wait for rain.
Today, a friend’s wife said to him, “Honey, get off your butt and fix that
gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!”
Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend, and most our friends, are
retired and do have the time to address such “Honey do’s”.. So, he
invited some of us neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.
One is a sheet metal fabricator.
One brought his welder.
One brought beer and Nachos.
One brought a grill and burgers.
Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers,
but we got it done just as we
finished off the last of the beer and burgers.
As usual, the wife is still not happy !
I Can’t understand, cause all us guys love it! Personally, I cannot wait for rain.
Florida beckons
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought it might have been you and you were trying to bring her back.
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
-------------------------------
Headaches cure -Castration?
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
On your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The
Only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
Live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left
The Hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
But He felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he Walked Down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought,
‘That’s what I need… A new suit…’
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
‘I’d like a new suit..’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
‘Let’s see… Size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said,
‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… Size 36.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you!
I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34.’
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your Spine
And give you one hell of a headache.’
2nd opinion's priceless:p
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought it might have been you and you were trying to bring her back.
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
-------------------------------
Headaches cure -Castration?
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
On your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The
Only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
Live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left
The Hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
But He felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he Walked Down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought,
‘That’s what I need… A new suit…’
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
‘I’d like a new suit..’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
‘Let’s see… Size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said,
‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… Size 36.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you!
I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34.’
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your Spine
And give you one hell of a headache.’
2nd opinion's priceless:p
Last edited:
Nun & Golf
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior.
‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’?
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister.
‘And I went to play golf with my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted
my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed.
‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister.
‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
‘you must tell me all about it!’
Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother.
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted and it hits a bird in mid-flight!’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother.
‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister.
‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel
runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…
‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior.
‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’?
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister.
‘And I went to play golf with my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted
my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed.
‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister.
‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
‘you must tell me all about it!’
Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother.
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted and it hits a bird in mid-flight!’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother.
‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister.
‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel
runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…
‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’
A diff state trooper funnie :p
Traffic Stop North Carolina N.C. State Trooper: 
” Registration please Mama. ” Woman: ” Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can’t find it. ” Trooper: ” Look again. ” Woman: ” It is NOT in my glove box ! ” Trooper: ” Just to make sure Ma’am, please look again. ” Woman: ” Look Officer, You’ve already ordered me to check my glove box three times. My registration just isn’t in there !! ” Trooper: ” Ma’am…..Please Check again ! ” Woman: ” For the last time…. I can’t find it !! ” Trooper: “ Look again . . . … 
|
Jump!
A paratrooper went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.A paratrooper went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
“So, did you jump?” the father asked.
“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!”
“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father.
“Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”
“Did you jump then?” asked the father.
“I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt.”
“So, did you jump?”
“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five and 250pounds. He said to me, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'”
I said, “‘No, sir. I’m too scared.’ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, “Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m going to sticking this little baby up your ass!!”
“So, did you jump?” asked the father.
“Well, a little, at first.”
Presidente? :p
Actually, picture is of Nicole "CoCo" Austin, model.
See rest of the beach pics here: http://www.lipstickalley.com/showth...Austin-at-the-Beach-in-Miami-December-28-2009
Many thanks, appreciate your correction (for this boo-hoo):o
Will ass the bloke who sent me this:(
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