Jokes To Share

[Windsor]

Better Offer


During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

 

[Windsor]

Little Johnny's Black Eye


Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
John's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'John, are you sleeping?' When I say 'No,' he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning John comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. But the day after that John comes back with a severe black eye again.
"My goodness John, why the black eye again?"

He tells her, "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?' and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving, you know, at the same time. Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically, and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed. After a while, my father asks my mother, 'Are you coming?' and my mom answers, 'Yes I'm coming. Are you coming too?' and my dad says, 'Yes.'

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, 'Wait for me.' ... "

 

[red amoeba]

A son of the rich oil shiek who was studying overseas was complaining to his dad

"Papa, my classmates and the teachers are very friendly but i feel embarassed. You see, all my classmates go to school by the metro, whilst I go to school via your goldplated Bentley"

The oil shiek pondered for a moment and replied:

"Well son, I certainly understand your predicament. I have just transferred 3 billion to your account, go buy the metro system."

 

[erection2015]

Ah Neh goes to a doctor and says '' I feel terrible ''

The doc asks Ah Neh a few regular relevant questions then says ' You need to go back , shit and pee in a bucket , then throw in some rotting garbage.'

'Then put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days then come see me again '

He does as the doctor says and after 3 days he visits the doctor again.

' Doctor i feel wonderful now. What was wrong with me ? '

' You were homesick ' was the reply.

 

[erection2015]

1st Bitch ( in taxi ) : Wah this taxi smells of sperm la.

2nd bitch : Eh sorry , i just burped.

 

[Ramseth]

Mafia son: Papa, it's sickening and tiring I can't live a normal student live.

Mafia pap: What's up? What's the prob?

Mafia son: Everybody's afraid of me. Except for asslickers, everybody else avoids me.

Mafia pap: Why so?

Mafia son: I got Uncle Teterrarozzi to machine gun that idiot and his father, that idiot who dared challenge me to fight and got his father to threaten me. After that nobody dare talk to me except our own members, not even teachers and principal.

Mafia dad: Good job. You'll make a good successor to our business.

 

[Windsor]

Three Prostitudes

There were three prostitutes living together - a mother, daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight, dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job".

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!

 

[Windsor]

Earings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.
The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

 

[Windsor]

Addition To The Family

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband was thrilled, kissed his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
"I told mother you wouldn’t mind her moving in with us," she added

 

[Windsor]

Vibrator

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

 

[no_faith]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[no_faith]

A married couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains
to the Baby's father.

Both were happy to try it.

The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing so
the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt
fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick
it up to 50 percent.

Still no reaction.

The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the
wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband and the doctor were ecstatic.

When they got home, the gardener was lying dead at the gate.

 

[Windsor]

Daddy's Toothbrush

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret." The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me." A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a *toothbrush! " "Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks. "Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

 

[Windsor]

Heimlich Maneuvre

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head 'no.'

"Kin ya breath?"

Again she shakes her head 'no.'

Suddenly, the Texan grabbed her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turned her over, pulled up her skirt, and licked her right on the bottom!

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge!

The big Texan, pulled up her skirt, turned her right side up, tipped his hat and returned to his seat.

His companion sitting there is stunned: "I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend.

"Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!"

 

[darrkie.y]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

 

[darrkie.y]

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother

 

[darrkie.y]

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

 

[darrkie.y]

A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor.

"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction."

The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral sex.

More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor.

"What's going on?" asks the doctor.

The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"

"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago."

The husband replies, "She choked."

 

[Windsor]

Which human organ has the strongest muscle?

Q:which organ has the strongest muscle?
A:the tongue—it can raise a woman’s hips.

Q:which organ is the lightest?
A:the penis—it can be raised by a tongue.

 

[Windsor]

One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy
answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.
The little boy said, "No, she is at the whore house."

The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little
boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays
and Fridays during the rush."

The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around
knocking on doors telling folks."