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Jokes To Share
- Thread starter Windsor
- Start date
Points To Ponder
Questions to Ponder
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Questions to Ponder
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Re: Points To Ponder
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Re: Points To Ponder
Why TF didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Questions to Ponder
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Why TF didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Re: Points To Ponder
Bro...mozzies can fly, so floods will not affect them lah. They do not need the ark at all.
Bro...mozzies can fly, so floods will not affect them lah. They do not need the ark at all.
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
Re: Points To Ponder
Cowboy : Howdy , give me 3 packets of condoms
Cashier : Here you are , do you need a paperbag to go with these?
Cowboy ( after some thought ) : Nah...its ok , she ain't that ugly.
Cowboy : Howdy , give me 3 packets of condoms
Cashier : Here you are , do you need a paperbag to go with these?
Cowboy ( after some thought ) : Nah...its ok , she ain't that ugly.
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs from different countries board an
airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the
first-ever to feature pilotless technology. It is an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software
is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different
type of excuse. The Malaysian CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming
very calm indeed.
Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies:
"If it is the same software that’s developed by my company's IT systems
department, this plane won't even take off!"
Now ...That is Confidence!
airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the
first-ever to feature pilotless technology. It is an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software
is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different
type of excuse. The Malaysian CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming
very calm indeed.
Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies:
"If it is the same software that’s developed by my company's IT systems
department, this plane won't even take off!"
Now ...That is Confidence!
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
The 11th Husband !!!
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle;
I'm still a virgin."
"What ?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be..
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver..
"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it..
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ..... God I miss him !!
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT " .....
'This time I know i'm gonna get screwed '
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle;
I'm still a virgin."
"What ?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be..
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver..
"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it..
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ..... God I miss him !!
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"..
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?
"You're with the " GOVERNMENT " .....
'This time I know i'm gonna get screwed '
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
haha i will do this on xmas and ask my guests to guess. May not be able to post for a few days after that.
This one had me laughing.
So my wife says...
My wife says to me the other night
"How come we don't make love like they do
in the movies?"
So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face...
Turns out we don't watch the same movies.
My wife says to me the other night
"How come we don't make love like they do
in the movies?"
So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face...
Turns out we don't watch the same movies.
Socially Unacceptable Humor
Socially Unacceptable Humor
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
Biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
My leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
She was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
Girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
Fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I
Should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
Behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
Reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
Would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
Listening".
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
Girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
Said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Socially Unacceptable Humor
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
Biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
My leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
She was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
Girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
Fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I
Should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
Behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
Reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
Would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
Listening".
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
Girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
Said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Rudolph and the Blonde
On a TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question.
One simple question stood between her and one million dollars!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied,
"Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing,
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
On a TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question.
One simple question stood between her and one million dollars!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied,
"Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing,
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
Meanwhile In Australia
Meanwhile In Australia...
Attendance call on the first day back at school in Lakemba, Sydney
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
"Here."
"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Michael Meyer."
Meanwhile In Australia...
Attendance call on the first day back at school in Lakemba, Sydney
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
"Here."
"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"
A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Michael Meyer."
Re: Meanwhile In Australia
Woman asks: If I sleep with three men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with ten women, Every one calls him a real man.
How come . . . ?!?
Confucius replies:It's very simple. "When one lock can be opened by three different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open ten different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY ...."
Woman asks: If I sleep with three men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with ten women, Every one calls him a real man.
How come . . . ?!?
Confucius replies:It's very simple. "When one lock can be opened by three different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open ten different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY ...."
Re: Meanwhile In Australia
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light..
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids..'
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light..
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids..'
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
Re: Meanwhile In Australia
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute.. "Do you know who the father is?"
Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute.. "Do you know who the father is?"
Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
Customer: "Do you have any cockroaches?"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me."
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone!!"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me."
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone!!"
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