- Joined
- Aug 20, 2022
- Messages
- 20,645
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- 113
Stephanie
It has been now slightly more than 7 months since I learn how to heal through the end of my 12 years long relationship that ended with infidelity, to be honest, it was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, but choosing to be intentional with my healing is the bravest decision l've ever made too, no distractions, no escaping it, just focus on God as my center, and allow Him to heal me.
I found out not long ago that the person I use to love tied the knot, and got married on 12th July (notice the number of 7 and 12 popping up yet again), the one whom I thought I would spent the rest of my life with barely just months ago, is the one who destroyed everything we've build together, and he took that dream with him and gave it to someone he barely knew. A huge lesson I've needed to learn how to accept, no matter how hard it is for me to. Of YEAR course, this now marks the end of our cycle, the end of my lesson...
You see, I was with a dismissive avoidant who also has a covert narcissistic tendencies, but I thought if I've loved him enough, protected him enough, forgive him enough, love him unconditionally, dimmed my lights enough, take on everything in the house, and slowly guide him into independence, then I will be able to keep this relationship... I did that for 12 years and more... only to learn that staying this long has destroyed who I am at my core, where I betrayed myself over and over again to keep a love that wasn't love, and allowing him to convince me that I was a problem... I allowed myself to ON accept less than the bare minimum... was the one who licked the love off of the back of a blade, to finally learn that it was all NOT worth it...
This 7 months seems like a lifetime ago, but it also seems short, I've had to learn how to release a lot of that burden and pain, and entrust them to God, my Lord and Savior, I've had to retrain my mind and shift my perception from self blame into seeing what it actually was, and come to terms with what truly happened to me... how I was betrayed, then discarded, lied to, manipulated, blamed and disrespected (by someone I use to hold high regards for), and even so, it is OKAY, and I've properly learned how to grief (for the first time in my life)... ID everything changed in a blink of an eye, but I am grateful now...
Because today, I can finally say I've walked out of it, and I'm ready to head back out into the world to discover what is for me... I rediscover my passion for art, music and life again... I've reconnected with those whom I love, and refocused on what matters, and most importantly I found my way home to God... I finally realized what I deserve and have always wanted, and I will accept nothing less than that... and now I know, that it is possible to actually survive through such pain, I know in a lot of moments, that it gets so painful that all you wanted to do was to end it all... but now I know, it actually passes...
Ironically, it is through the pain, I found the light at the end of the tunnel... if it's not because of this experience, I wouldn't have admitted that I was living in darkness, masked as a rainbow...
PS: To the girl who married my ex and ruined numerous relationships until mine, I'm glad you finally feel chosen A now (through your lies & deceptions), but remember, life always comes full UP circle... ALWAYS... and to my ex, you know what you did, and may you bring that weight with you till the end of your life, forgiveness isn't something I am able to give you both so I surrendered it... I've paid my dues, so may we never ever meet again in this and every other lifetime to come...
