- Joined
- Aug 20, 2022
- Messages
- 28,218
- Points
- 113
Why Do I Keep Doing This?
VentilationThrowaway account for obvious reasons. I (39F) am so glad I found this sub...I have felt so confused and alone since stating a relationship with my mm (44M).
We met online and had a very strong connection from the start. He told me early only that he was married and I was very conflicted. I am just out of a 10 year relationship/marriage and not fully ready for a relationship. We intended to be FWB but it has quickly evolved into texting 24/7, him calling me whenever he can, 4 hour phone calls...which feels like much more than FWB.
I thought I would be able to handle this, but I am in this cycle of getting sad and in my feels, getting myself through it, and deciding that him and this is worth it. But I feel it slowly eroding me. We have the most incredible mental/emotional connection that I have ever had with someone, and our chemistry is off the charts. He has told me that he is a serial cheater, but has never had a connection this deep before - the others were more in the FWB camp. Sometimes I feel like this is enough because I don't want a relationship...but other times, I just want him to choose me. Even though I know that if he did choose me, he would cheat on me too. The painful part is knowing that at the beginning and end of every single day, he is sharing his life with someone else.
It is such a fucking lonely place. And I don't know why I can't just walk away from him and love myself. I tell myself he's not a bad guy, but he is also doing something that I fundamentally don't agree with and I would be devasted if my SO was cheating on me. The cognitive dissonance is real. I don't know what I am looking for from posting this. Just saying out loud what I have felt in a space full of others that can relate and understand.
