Redditer: (SG context) Am I wrong for refusing to keep paying extra to my abusive dad just because I inherited more?

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(SG context) Am I wrong for refusing to keep paying extra to my abusive dad just because I inherited more?​

General

(Singapore, Asian household context)

I (26F) really need an outside perspective because my 3 siblings all think I’m in the wrong.

My dad is extremely controlling and emotionally volatile. He constantly insults us (calling us “useless,” “worthless,” “failures,” etc.), and when things don’t go his way, he explodes. He also spams our family group chat with messages every few minutes just to scold and criticise us every day (eg he would constantly let it be known to us how much he regrets having useless children like us).

On top of that, he has serious hoarding and extreme frugality issues. Our house is filled with clutter (like garbage dump level of clutter with barely any room to walk), and we’re not allowed to throw anything away. If we do, he retaliates by damaging our belongings and says things like, “If you don’t value my things, I won’t value yours.” This has included breaking expensive items like computers.

Recently, things escalated - he hit me multiple times in the head during an argument. I felt dizzy afterwards (doctor said I’m okay), but that was my breaking point and I’ve decided to move out. I left the group chat afterwards for the first time ever, but he added me back a few days later to continue his verbal abuse. I received no apology for his physical abuse.

For background: My parents had a very unhappy relationship. They fought a lot but never divorced. My eldest sister (31F) already moved out years ago partly because she was the main target of his abuse. The only people left in this household is my dad, my brother (28M), my middle sister (29F) and myself (youngest).

When my mum passed away in 2023, she left her savings equally among the four of her children (~150k each), but I received 100% of her CPF (~900k+). My dad received the house and car, no liquid money.

Ever since I received the 900k, my dad has been trying to control how I invested the money and even hit me whenever he found that my investments were too risky.

Before my mum passed, she told me verbally to:

- Give my aunt $700/month

- Help my dad with expenses related to selling the house

I’ve been honouring her wishes.

Just to clarify, these instructions were verbal and not written anywhere. It actually does me no benefit to have told my family about them - I could have easily kept quiet and used the money entirely for myself. But I chose to be transparent because I wanted to respect my mum’s wishes.

Since her death, my dad has been using “mummy’s money” to justify making me pay more than my siblings. For context:

- The house and car are fully under his name

- I don’t use the car and don’t even have a license

- My siblings each pay him $350/month allowance

- I pay $700/month (even though I earn the least among my siblings)

- I’ve also sometimes been paying extra (around $1k+ each time for random expenses) to keep peace.

- My siblings and I have treated him hopefully quite well (eg bringing him on family trips and paying his share, paying for his meals when we dine out as a family, etc)

Despite all this, his behaviour has only gotten worse - more verbal abuse, no accountability, and now physical violence.

Two days ago, he demanded:

- $200 from each of us, my eldest sister excluded since she doesn't live here anymore (I’m okay with this)

- An extra $800 from me for “mum’s contribution”

- $3,000 from me for car upkeep

My siblings (29F and 28M, who still live at home) say I should just pay because I received more inheritance. But I feel like they could be only saying this so they don’t have to bear the cost themselves.

Anyway, these are the reasons they gave:

- My sister argues that the car was essentially my mum’s, and my dad never even wanted a car. So in her view, since I inherited most of my mum’s money, I should take over the cost of maintaining it. However, I don’t use the car at all (I don’t even have a license), and the only regular users are my dad and my brother - my brother drives it almost daily, often for personal use (eg sending his girlfriend home).

- My brother argues that my dad never wanted our current house (it’s a landed property with high upkeep). He says it was my mum’s decision to buy it, and she was the one paying most of the expenses before she passed (she earned significantly more than my dad - 30k vs 9k). So in his view, my mum “trapped” my dad into a lifestyle he can’t afford, and since I received most of her inheritance, I should now bear that financial burden on her behalf as it's "my mum's responsibility". As the mortage has been paid off already and now we just need to pay for upkeep.

I understand where they are coming from, but I have concerns:

- Why is my dad still calculating “mum’s share” as if she’s alive? If anything, shouldn’t expenses be split equally among us?

- Why should I pay for a car I don’t use and that isn’t under my name?

- Why am I expected to keep paying more when I’m being verbally abused and physically assaulted?

I was willing to contribute more before to maintain peace and because I did receive more. But now it feels like I’m being taken advantage of and enabling abusive behaviour.

Also, if my mum truly intended for me to fund ongoing house/car maintenance, she would have included this in her instructions to me or allocated money to my dad directly. She didn’t. The only thing she asked was that I help with selling the house - which hasn’t even happened because my dad refuses to deal with the hoarding situation.

On top of that, anytime I spend money on myself (like going on trips), my family criticises me for using “mummy’s money,” as if I don’t earn my own income (plus ~150k that everyone received equally), while the rest of my siblings have been travelling quite often too but no one says anything about them.

For context, each of my siblings also inherited ~150k each, so it’s not like they are financially struggling and they could all also pitch in on these extra expenses that I have been single-handedly tanking.

At this point, I feel like:

- I've fulfilled my mum’s wishes

- The inheritance is mine to manage

- I shouldn’t be forced to fund assets I don’t own or use

- And I definitely shouldn’t be expected to tolerate abuse while doing so

So I want to ask:

- Am I wrong for refusing to pay the extra amounts?

- Is my family being unreasonable, or am I being selfish here?

- How should I handle this situation?

- I’m moving out soon, but I just want clarity on whether I’m being fair. And I'm also quite scared that my dad will break my PC between now and when I move out.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that my dad is someone who cannot be reasoned with, anything that anyone say, if he doesn't like it, he will ignore and fire back with verbal insults at our stupidity and uselessness for existing. So my sister told me to pay him to keep the peace in the house as she believes that he will go crazy if I don't pay up - though she did not offer to pay a share.