Please share your funniest jokes here!

[True Believer]

Laughter is the best medicine, so please share your funniest jokes on this thread. We all need a good laugh during these difficult times.

 

[True Believer]

My wife saw this sign on her way home, and
insisted that we had to shift house immediately!

 

[True Believer]

Patient: "I am here for my medical review. I just retired after working for 40 years."
Doctor: "You need to sell your car and take public transport. In fact, try to walk more. Please eat less meat and more vegetables. It is also better to eat less at hawker centres and restaurants. Have more meals at home. Try not to go out too often."
Patient: "My medical test results must be really bad. What exactly is wrong with me."
Doctor: "You no longer have an income."

 

[True Believer]

A genie offered an NUS professor 1 wish out of 3: to be the richest, most handsome or wisest man on earth? The prof requested to be the wisest man in the world. After his wish was granted, his students asked him to say something really enlightening. The prof replied: "I should have taken the money!"

 

[True Believer]

A tall and menacing-looking Sikh man walked into a pub one night. After a few drinks, he went outside and found his bicycle missing. He suspected that it was the work of pranksters, and warned that if his bike was not returned to its original spot in 10 minutes, "I will do what I did last year, and I hate to repeat what I did last year at this same pub." While he was speaking, two frightened men slipped out by the back door, and quietly returned the bicycle to its original location. As the Sikh man walked out of the pub, the bartender asked: "What exactly did you do last year which you hate to repeat?" The big sized Sikh replied "I had to walk all the way home."

 

[KingFook Sr]

Dun reinvent the wheel.
Go there ..................
.

Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine​

 

[True Believer]

Doctor: “Congratulations! I hear that your 20-year-old wife is expecting your child. You know, there was a bear hunter in a village. He never missed a shot. However, 1 day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake. When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realise his mistake and pointed the umbrella and thought he shot the bear. The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!”
90-year-old Patient: “That is stupid! The bullet must have been shot by another person.”
Doctor: “You are 100% correct.”

 

[True Believer]

A mother just gave births to twins (a boy and a girl), and asked her brother (the uncle) to suggest names for them.
Uncle: The girl should be named 'Denise'.
Mom: That is a nice girl's name. How about a name for the boy?
Uncle: The Nephew.
*Denise is actually 'The Niece'