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這婚怎麼結！？異國戀情的意外一課：母親堅持「沒聘金不准嫁」
換日線
230 人追蹤
愛的培養皿2018年6月16日 上午9:00
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前幾天我收到一封訊息，一位來自澳門的女性朋友要和歐洲男友結婚了。正替她高興終於這段遠距離戀情終於修成正果，她卻苦惱於該怎麼開口跟準老公／老公家人說華人文化有「聘金」這檔事……因為她的母親要求男方，要準備個二十萬港幣，才有可能把女兒嫁出去。" data-reactid="27">前幾天我收到一封訊息，一位來自澳門的女性朋友要和歐洲男友結婚了。正替她高興終於這段遠距離戀情終於修成正果，她卻苦惱於該怎麼開口跟準老公／老公家人說華人文化有「聘金」這檔事……因為她的母親要求男方，要準備個二十萬港幣，才有可能把女兒嫁出去。
這讓我想起當初要結婚前，自己也卡在母親和荷蘭籍的老公之間。為了「聘金」這檔事，心情極度萎靡，甚至讓已經不贊成我與外籍人士結婚的母親，氣到不願意和我說話。" data-reactid="28">這讓我想起當初要結婚前，自己也卡在母親和荷蘭籍的老公之間。為了「聘金」這檔事，心情極度萎靡，甚至讓已經不贊成我與外籍人士結婚的母親，氣到不願意和我說話。
猶記得母親不時把「我花了這麼多錢栽培孩子」、「看聘金就可以讓人覺得他們重不重視要娶我家女兒」、「連紅包都沒有真不懂得感謝」、、、這些情感勒索的話掛在嘴邊，這些話是說給誰聽的，我也心裡有數。" data-reactid="29">猶記得母親不時把「我花了這麼多錢栽培孩子」、「看聘金就可以讓人覺得他們重不重視要娶我家女兒」、「連紅包都沒有真不懂得感謝」、、、這些情感勒索的話掛在嘴邊，這些話是說給誰聽的，我也心裡有數。
夾在母親與老公之間，我不只怕留給夫家那頭勢利的印象，還要擔心與老公的感情因金錢的觀念兜不攏而產生裂痕。但同時，又渴望自己結婚有家人的祝福與支持。當時不斷猶豫，假設我開口向文化裡沒有「聘金」概念的荷蘭夫家，說明我們家中有「準備錢來娶女孩」這回事，會不會對我們倆組成的新家庭產生影響？" data-reactid="30">夾在母親與老公之間，我不只怕留給夫家那頭勢利的印象，還要擔心與老公的感情因金錢的觀念兜不攏而產生裂痕。但同時，又渴望自己結婚有家人的祝福與支持。當時不斷猶豫，假設我開口向文化裡沒有「聘金」概念的荷蘭夫家，說明我們家中有「準備錢來娶女孩」這回事，會不會對我們倆組成的新家庭產生影響？
文化差異中談「錢」超棘手，於是我們先坐下重新「認識差異」
異國戀情都是因「愛」開始，也常是因為有所不同所以相互吸引，但若只有「愛」是很難在激情過後走得長遠。在認識國與國間風土民情的差異以前，我們應該先將「尊重」與「聆聽」設為溝通的前提，如此才能不抱成見的敞開心去了解彼此。
回到結婚這件事，我們都希望兩家／國這樣相聚萬里遠的聯姻，能得到彼此家人的認同與祝福，所以隨意找個日子去登記不在我們的選項當中，這是我們擁有的第一個共識。" data-reactid="33">回到結婚這件事，我們都希望兩家／國這樣相聚萬里遠的聯姻，能得到彼此家人的認同與祝福，所以隨意找個日子去登記不在我們的選項當中，這是我們擁有的第一個共識。
有了這樣的目標，我與老公便決定放下各自背景帶給我們的堅持，自己對自己的「結婚文化」了解一番，再提出來給對方「認識」。我們認為唯有如此，這婚姻締結的過程才有可能盡力的找到「兩全其美」的方式，進一步退一步的慢慢平衡。" data-reactid="34">有了這樣的目標，我與老公便決定放下各自背景帶給我們的堅持，自己對自己的「結婚文化」了解一番，再提出來給對方「認識」。我們認為唯有如此，這婚姻締結的過程才有可能盡力的找到「兩全其美」的方式，進一步退一步的慢慢平衡。
因此，我對聘金文化做了點研究：「聘金」古禮，可追溯到西周時代，其實是「納徵」的一環。裡面的「大聘」是因為古人認為女孩若要嫁人，宜給對方父母的「養育費」，感謝岳父母將女兒養大；而「小聘」則是嫁娶儀式中女方會支出的治裝、大小餅等開銷。" data-reactid="35">因此，我對聘金文化做了點研究：「聘金」古禮，可追溯到西周時代，其實是「納徵」的一環。裡面的「大聘」是因為古人認為女孩若要嫁人，宜給對方父母的「養育費」，感謝岳父母將女兒養大；而「小聘」則是嫁娶儀式中女方會支出的治裝、大小餅等開銷。
簡單而言，「聘金」背後隱含最重要的觀念是：因為女兒出嫁後改姓、搬至夫家侍奉公婆，再也不屬於原姓一家（娘家），因此夫家有義務「補償」女方家庭。" data-reactid="36">簡單而言，「聘金」背後隱含最重要的觀念是：因為女兒出嫁後改姓、搬至夫家侍奉公婆，再也不屬於原姓一家（娘家），因此夫家有義務「補償」女方家庭。
換言之，聘金也隱含著女兒是被「賣」出的意味。" data-reactid="37">換言之，聘金也隱含著女兒是被「賣」出的意味。
當我說到這裡，老公更加無法接受「聘金」了。他直指其中關鍵：" data-reactid="38">當我說到這裡，老公更加無法接受「聘金」了。他直指其中關鍵：
結婚應該是雙方平等且共同組織家庭，沒有誰沒了女兒，也沒有誰失去兒子；「嫁」＆「娶」在華人文化中是一個相當有問題的概念，「嫁」這動作具有「嫁出去」，一種失去的意思，而「娶進來」似乎就變成得到某種可交易的東西而成為贏家。" data-reactid="39">結婚應該是雙方平等且共同組織家庭，沒有誰沒了女兒，也沒有誰失去兒子；「嫁」＆「娶」在華人文化中是一個相當有問題的概念，「嫁」這動作具有「嫁出去」，一種失去的意思，而「娶進來」似乎就變成得到某種可交易的東西而成為贏家。
他接著說，在荷蘭，締結婚姻最重要的一刻就是新人到市政廳登記的那天。親友紛紛到現場，一同見證結婚文件被蓋章證實其有效性。" data-reactid="40">他接著說，在荷蘭，締結婚姻最重要的一刻就是新人到市政廳登記的那天。親友紛紛到現場，一同見證結婚文件被蓋章證實其有效性。
至於有沒有扯到錢呢？可有可無，全看親友個人對新人祝福的心。若有給，給的方式也不只一種：可以是直接匯款到新人共同帳戶、寫張祝福卡片並附上現金，或是直接開口問有沒有需要的家具，挑好後把家具送到新居。" data-reactid="41">至於有沒有扯到錢呢？可有可無，全看親友個人對新人祝福的心。若有給，給的方式也不只一種：可以是直接匯款到新人共同帳戶、寫張祝福卡片並附上現金，或是直接開口問有沒有需要的家具，挑好後把家具送到新居。
與我們文化中最大的不同，就是那些祝福的錢都是給新人「共同」花費的，不是男方家庭出錢，如同「買」一位女性回家當老婆。" data-reactid="42">與我們文化中最大的不同，就是那些祝福的錢都是給新人「共同」花費的，不是男方家庭出錢，如同「買」一位女性回家當老婆。
正是這些話，瞬間連我都想跟老公站在同一陣線了。我從來都沒想過自己會有被母親「待價而沽」的一天；也沒想過因為身為女人，而在自己的人生大事中被視作矮人一截的一方。" data-reactid="43">正是這些話，瞬間連我都想跟老公站在同一陣線了。我從來都沒想過自己會有被母親「待價而沽」的一天；也沒想過因為身為女人，而在自己的人生大事中被視作矮人一截的一方。
更慘不忍睹的是，我竟然還要自己開口向沒有這樣禮俗的荷蘭老公說：「我媽說要錢才能帶我走」。" data-reactid="44">更慘不忍睹的是，我竟然還要自己開口向沒有這樣禮俗的荷蘭老公說：「我媽說要錢才能帶我走」。
古禮誠可貴，但聆聽自我的聲音才是對自己的尊重" data-reactid="45">古禮誠可貴，但聆聽自我的聲音才是對自己的尊重
佛洛伊德說過：「性別並非生理構造，而是心理意識。」" data-reactid="46">佛洛伊德說過：「性別並非生理構造，而是心理意識。」
此外，大家認知中的女性主義代表人物，除了西蒙波娃之外，還有位維蒂格，她有本著作就叫《一個人不是生來就是女人》（One is Not Born a Woman）。她認為「女人」簡單來說其實是普世建構起來的概念，是一個人心裡對自己的定位，甚至是強加在自己身上的社會價值觀。" data-reactid="47">此外，大家認知中的女性主義代表人物，除了西蒙波娃之外，還有位維蒂格，她有本著作就叫《一個人不是生來就是女人》（One is Not Born a Woman）。她認為「女人」簡單來說其實是普世建構起來的概念，是一個人心裡對自己的定位，甚至是強加在自己身上的社會價值觀。
我想起自己求學階段遊歷數國的自己，無論在何時何地，總是那麼樣的有自信，即便語言可能是阻礙我完整表達己見的因素，但意識中「我」的主體性與自在移動的身體，在在都能讓我感受自己與世界共同呼吸的頻率。" data-reactid="48">我想起自己求學階段遊歷數國的自己，無論在何時何地，總是那麼樣的有自信，即便語言可能是阻礙我完整表達己見的因素，但意識中「我」的主體性與自在移動的身體，在在都能讓我感受自己與世界共同呼吸的頻率。
直到要結婚了，才感覺自己的主體性竟突然被剝奪走了。" data-reactid="49">直到要結婚了，才感覺自己的主體性竟突然被剝奪走了。
戀愛、婚姻、成家，有人說兩個半圓才能構成一個完整的圓，但我一直不同意。我認為，人人都是一個完整的圓，兩個圓有了交疊，便是兩人生活的重疊，那不意味著失去自我，而是兩個有自我意識的主體找到了生命中的夥伴。這不是妥協，而是透過不斷的溝通與磨合，來做出兩人都可接受的「選擇」。" data-reactid="50">戀愛、婚姻、成家，有人說兩個半圓才能構成一個完整的圓，但我一直不同意。我認為，人人都是一個完整的圓，兩個圓有了交疊，便是兩人生活的重疊，那不意味著失去自我，而是兩個有自我意識的主體找到了生命中的夥伴。這不是妥協，而是透過不斷的溝通與磨合，來做出兩人都可接受的「選擇」。
這正是我的荷蘭老公欣賞的態度，也是他的國情背景滋養成的人權觀──每個人都該有自我實現的堅持，做決定前要先聆聽自我內在真誠的聲音。" data-reactid="51">這正是我的荷蘭老公欣賞的態度，也是他的國情背景滋養成的人權觀──每個人都該有自我實現的堅持，做決定前要先聆聽自我內在真誠的聲音。
老公認為，我不該因為「聘金」而把自己「賣」給他與公婆，冒著可能隨時在新家庭中「委屈吞腹內」的險；我也知道，假若我想要做自己，偶爾當然也會需要「理直氣壯」地陪在自己父母的身邊，或是「任性」地放下媳婦的身分而做個撒嬌的女兒。如此我便更不能、也不該因為禮俗而為自己標價，盲目遵從傳統卻不尊重我自己，遺失了自我的價值。" data-reactid="52">老公認為，我不該因為「聘金」而把自己「賣」給他與公婆，冒著可能隨時在新家庭中「委屈吞腹內」的險；我也知道，假若我想要做自己，偶爾當然也會需要「理直氣壯」地陪在自己父母的身邊，或是「任性」地放下媳婦的身分而做個撒嬌的女兒。如此我便更不能、也不該因為禮俗而為自己標價，盲目遵從傳統卻不尊重我自己，遺失了自我的價值。
異國婚姻看似美好的表面，藏有無數個觀念碰撞而生的智慧" data-reactid="53">異國婚姻看似美好的表面，藏有無數個觀念碰撞而生的智慧
是，在台灣，異國戀常是焦點，無論正負的聲音。但人人不都只是希望能遇到生命中相知、相愛、相惜的伴侶嗎？而從異國戀走入婚姻，目標也同樣是營造一個充滿歡樂和諧的家庭；多了文化差異卻仍要維持良好的關係，要時時刻刻保持進一步相互了解、退一步反省檢視的心，我們可以因為了解到彼此的「不一樣」所以包容，但包容不表示該接受。" data-reactid="54">是，在台灣，異國戀常是焦點，無論正負的聲音。但人人不都只是希望能遇到生命中相知、相愛、相惜的伴侶嗎？而從異國戀走入婚姻，目標也同樣是營造一個充滿歡樂和諧的家庭；多了文化差異卻仍要維持良好的關係，要時時刻刻保持進一步相互了解、退一步反省檢視的心，我們可以因為了解到彼此的「不一樣」所以包容，但包容不表示該接受。
我和先生都認同，夫妻位置平等是一段關係是否健康的依據。「聘金」不該是聯姻的門檻－「沒有拿出二十萬港幣我就不可能讓女兒嫁給你」正意味著你剝奪了孩子身為「人」的自主性，女兒不是誰的財產，為何擋在她人生路的前方？" data-reactid="55">我和先生都認同，夫妻位置平等是一段關係是否健康的依據。「聘金」不該是聯姻的門檻－「沒有拿出二十萬港幣我就不可能讓女兒嫁給你」正意味著你剝奪了孩子身為「人」的自主性，女兒不是誰的財產，為何擋在她人生路的前方？
「聘金」，不該是聯姻的條件－財力背景或許是許多人的考量之一，但也常讓人對其他更有益於維持幸福關係的人格特質視而不見。試想：一個是給了數百萬台幣聘金，婚後卻不懂得體諒對方與分攤家務；一個是拿不出聘金卻在婚後對家庭盡心盡力、將陪伴家人擺第一。有沒有聘金，怎麼會是影響幸福的條件呢？" data-reactid="56">「聘金」，不該是聯姻的條件－財力背景或許是許多人的考量之一，但也常讓人對其他更有益於維持幸福關係的人格特質視而不見。試想：一個是給了數百萬台幣聘金，婚後卻不懂得體諒對方與分攤家務；一個是拿不出聘金卻在婚後對家庭盡心盡力、將陪伴家人擺第一。有沒有聘金，怎麼會是影響幸福的條件呢？
我和老公經過無數次討論，最終選擇不向荷蘭方的父母提出「聘金」一事。我們選擇花加倍的心力用時間和行動證明，其實母親只是想考驗這段異國戀的決心與堅持。也幸虧是母親要我「轉達」聘金一事給夫家，我可以選擇「要不要」換成另一種語言開口向公婆說，而非把屬於我的終身大事交給雙方長輩去談。於是我笑了，原來雙方父母語言不通有時也是一件好事啊！" data-reactid="57">我和老公經過無數次討論，最終選擇不向荷蘭方的父母提出「聘金」一事。我們選擇花加倍的心力用時間和行動證明，其實母親只是想考驗這段異國戀的決心與堅持。也幸虧是母親要我「轉達」聘金一事給夫家，我可以選擇「要不要」換成另一種語言開口向公婆說，而非把屬於我的終身大事交給雙方長輩去談。於是我笑了，原來雙方父母語言不通有時也是一件好事啊！
你有你的方式，我有我的堅持" data-reactid="58">你有你的方式，我有我的堅持
荷蘭人處理事情務實、重視平權，更是單刀直入；但若是從傳統華人文化的角度觀之，可能就會認為有那麼點小氣。因為他們壓根都沒想過用「錢」締結婚姻關係，進而變相將女性定位在新家庭中必須服從的位置。" data-reactid="59">荷蘭人處理事情務實、重視平權，更是單刀直入；但若是從傳統華人文化的角度觀之，可能就會認為有那麼點小氣。因為他們壓根都沒想過用「錢」締結婚姻關係，進而變相將女性定位在新家庭中必須服從的位置。
婚姻當中談到收錢，應該視作是長輩們對兒女新組家庭心意的表達，我的公婆雖然因為不了解我的文化中有這項傳統，而一毛聘金都沒給，然而我與先生在荷蘭登記結婚的費用是他們出的。錢的金額雖小，但在荷蘭的文化中，替我們付了這個費用，卻是對這段婚姻最重要的支持，也是身為父母發自心底那股最真誠、喜悅的祝福。而即便我的公婆沒有走華人禮俗打金飾給我這位媳婦表示「勾親」，但我的父親也仍依照自己的習俗，以岳父身分為女婿戴上金戒指，表示「尊重」。" data-reactid="60">婚姻當中談到收錢，應該視作是長輩們對兒女新組家庭心意的表達，我的公婆雖然因為不了解我的文化中有這項傳統，而一毛聘金都沒給，然而我與先生在荷蘭登記結婚的費用是他們出的。錢的金額雖小，但在荷蘭的文化中，替我們付了這個費用，卻是對這段婚姻最重要的支持，也是身為父母發自心底那股最真誠、喜悅的祝福。而即便我的公婆沒有走華人禮俗打金飾給我這位媳婦表示「勾親」，但我的父親也仍依照自己的習俗，以岳父身分為女婿戴上金戒指，表示「尊重」。
來自兩個不同國度的家庭，都用屬於自己最隆重的方式給上了無限祝福，了解彼此相異之處但不強迫對方接受，不正是人與人間最圓融的相處之道嗎？" data-reactid="61">來自兩個不同國度的家庭，都用屬於自己最隆重的方式給上了無限祝福，了解彼此相異之處但不強迫對方接受，不正是人與人間最圓融的相處之道嗎？
結語：不過就是愛己所選，所以尊重彼此" data-reactid="62">結語：不過就是愛己所選，所以尊重彼此
後來，我的朋友婚也是結了，但她也同樣沒有照母親的要求向公婆開口談「聘金」，而是在聽過我的經驗後與她的丈夫討論，取得一個折衷又兩全其美的方法：婚禮採中式宴客方式，但費用由男方出，婚宴上收到的禮金全數給女方。當然出席的以女方親友多，能回收多少就看女方父母親友團的「實力」──唯一和我的經驗一樣的部分，就是在與外籍先生討論後一同把「拿錢過關」這事就此打住。" data-reactid="63">後來，我的朋友婚也是結了，但她也同樣沒有照母親的要求向公婆開口談「聘金」，而是在聽過我的經驗後與她的丈夫討論，取得一個折衷又兩全其美的方法：婚禮採中式宴客方式，但費用由男方出，婚宴上收到的禮金全數給女方。當然出席的以女方親友多，能回收多少就看女方父母親友團的「實力」──唯一和我的經驗一樣的部分，就是在與外籍先生討論後一同把「拿錢過關」這事就此打住。
「戴上粉紅色鏡片的人，誤以為世界是粉紅色，絲毫沒有察覺自己戴上眼鏡」。阿德勒的名句點出了認知偏見，提醒著我們應該摘除那擋在眼前根深柢固的生活型態，盡量客觀的看待不同；正因我與老公的成長背景對於聯姻的態度天差地別，我才不至於陷入聘金是「理所當然」的偏差。" data-reactid="64">「戴上粉紅色鏡片的人，誤以為世界是粉紅色，絲毫沒有察覺自己戴上眼鏡」。阿德勒的名句點出了認知偏見，提醒著我們應該摘除那擋在眼前根深柢固的生活型態，盡量客觀的看待不同；正因我與老公的成長背景對於聯姻的態度天差地別，我才不至於陷入聘金是「理所當然」的偏差。
其實，所謂「聘金」的習俗，在台灣本就不是理所當然。例如早在1927年籌組的台灣民眾黨黨綱中，就已明文規定廢止聘金制度；而當今許多年輕世代的男女與開通的父母，也漸漸不拘泥於古禮。" data-reactid="65">其實，所謂「聘金」的習俗，在台灣本就不是理所當然。例如早在1927年籌組的台灣民眾黨黨綱中，就已明文規定廢止聘金制度；而當今許多年輕世代的男女與開通的父母，也漸漸不拘泥於古禮。
然而，我仍感謝婚前和家人有過這樣激烈的談話，及對於聘金禮俗的思辨：當我裸露自己的真誠、檢視自己的血脈時，無論傳承的文化好與不好，本就該具備自我判斷的能力。因為，那讓我與世界建立更多連結前，又更瞭解了自己。畢竟，婚禮是一時，婚姻是一世，如果連這一關都過不去，那還談什麼生活一輩子？" data-reactid="66">然而，我仍感謝婚前和家人有過這樣激烈的談話，及對於聘金禮俗的思辨：當我裸露自己的真誠、檢視自己的血脈時，無論傳承的文化好與不好，本就該具備自我判斷的能力。因為，那讓我與世界建立更多連結前，又更瞭解了自己。畢竟，婚禮是一時，婚姻是一世，如果連這一關都過不去，那還談什麼生活一輩子？
※本文由換日線網站授權刊載，原標題為《 這婚怎麼結！？異國戀情的意外一課：母親堅持「沒聘金不准嫁」 》，未經同意禁止轉載
【關聯閱讀】
「剩女」時代？──走向消亡的婚姻制度
與先生結婚前，她必須先嫁給一棵樹──印度的婚姻傳統
關於作者：
谷卓
是老師，但最喜歡當媽，並趁孩子睡去後寫些什麼。" data-reactid="69">關於作者：
谷卓
是老師，但最喜歡當媽，並趁孩子睡去後寫些什麼。
求學階段歷經加拿大、澳洲、荷蘭的滋養，蹦跳20餘國。夢想蒐集各大城的國際馬拉松，還有一顆與家人在天涯各方露營的自然心。對未來在世界何處落腳保持開放態度，荷蘭老公總說：「一起就好」。" data-reactid="70">求學階段歷經加拿大、澳洲、荷蘭的滋養，蹦跳20餘國。夢想蒐集各大城的國際馬拉松，還有一顆與家人在天涯各方露營的自然心。對未來在世界何處落腳保持開放態度，荷蘭老公總說：「一起就好」。
臉書專頁：Jivan小天涯手記
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How do you get married? ? Accidental Lesson of Exotic Romance: Mother insists that "No auntie is not allowed to marry"
Exchange line
230 people tracking
The petri dish of love, June 16, 2018, 9:00 am
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A few days ago I received a message that a female friend from Macau had to marry a European boyfriend. As she was happy for her, this long-distance romance finally came true, but she was distressed at how to speak with her husband/her husband and family saying that Chinese culture had a “worship money”...because her mother asked the man to prepare a second Only HK$100,000 can marry her daughter.
This reminds me of myself being stuck between my mother and a Dutch husband before we got married. In order to make the "gold contract" this matter, my mood is extremely dim. Even the mother who has disapproved of my marriage with foreigners is not willing to speak to me.
I still remember that my mother used "I spent so much money to raise children" from time to time. "Looking at the bride price can make people feel that they are not paying attention to my family's daughters." "No one really knows how to thank even the red envelopes." The words of extortion are hung on the lips. These words are for whom to hear, and I know for myself.
Sandwiched between her mother and her husband, I was not only afraid of leaving the snobbish impression of the husband's family, but also worried that her feelings with her husband could not be resolved because of the concept of money. But at the same time, they are eager to marry and have the blessings and support of their families. Hesitated at the time. Suppose that I opened my mouth to Dutch husbands who did not have the concept of "pension" in their culture. This shows that there is something in our family about "preparing money to marry girls." Will this affect our new family?
Talking about "money" is extremely tricky in cultural differences, so we first sat down to "recognize differences".
Exotic love is the beginning of "love," and often because of the difference, it attracts each other, but if only "love" is difficult to go long after the passion. Before we realize the differences between the country and the country, we should first set "respect" and "listening" as the prerequisites for communication so that we can understand each other without prejudice.
Returning to marriage, we all hope that the two countries will get together and enjoy the recognition and blessings of each other's families. Therefore, we have no choice but to register for the day. This is the first place we have. Consensus.
With such a goal, my husband and I decided to put down the persistence of their respective backgrounds, learn something about their own "marriage culture," and come up with "awareness" for the other party. We believe that only in this way can the process of marriage concluding be able to find a way to "get the best of both worlds" and take a step back and balance it gradually.
Therefore, I have done a little research on the bride-bearing culture: "The bridegroom" ancient ritual can be traced back to the Western Zhou Dynasty, but it is actually part of the "nature". The "grand recruiting" in the book is because the ancients believed that if a girl wants to marry, she should give her parents a "parental care fee," and she is grateful to her parents for raising her daughter's daughter. The "small hires" are the expenses incurred by the woman's association during the wedding ceremony. Packing, size cakes and other expenses.
In simple terms, the most important concept behind the “association of gifts” is that because the daughter changes her last name after her husband’s marriage, she moves to her husband’s family to serve her in-laws, and no longer belongs to her family’s family name (home), so the husband’s family is obligated to “compensate” the woman’s family. .
In other words, the bride price also implies that the daughter is "sold out".
When I talked about this, her husband was even more unacceptable. He points to the key:
Marriage should be equal and the two sides jointly organize families. No one has no daughter and no one has lost his son. “Marrying” and “begging” are very problematic concepts in Chinese culture. “Marrying” has the effect of “marrying out.” "" A lost meaning, and "Yao Jin comes in" seems to become something tradable and a winner.
He went on to say that in the Netherlands, the most important moment in entering a marriage is the day the newcomers register with the City Hall. Relatives and friends came to the scene one after another to witness the fact that the marriage document was stamped to verify its validity.
As for whether there is any money? Dispensable, all look at the hearts of relatives and friends personally blessing new people. If there is any, there is not only one way to give it: it can be direct remittance to a newcomer's joint account, writing a blessing card and attaching cash, or directly asking if there is any furniture needed, picking up the furniture and sending it to his new home.
The biggest difference from our culture is that the blessed money is spent for the newcomers. It is not the man’s family’s money. It’s like “buying” a woman to go home as wife.
It was these words that I instantly wanted to stand on the same front with my husband. I never thought that I would have been "done by the price of my mother" for a day. I had never thought of being a woman of a dwarf because she was a woman.
Even more appalling, I even wanted to open my mouth to a Dutch husband who did not have such a ritual: "My mother said that she needs money to take me away."
The ancient ceremony is precious, but listening to the self is the respect for oneself
Freud said: "Sex is not a physical structure but a psychological consciousness."
In addition, in addition to Simon Poova, there are also Wittigs who are known as feminist representatives. Her book is called "One is Not Born a Woman." She believes that "woman" is simply a concept constructed in a universal way. It is a person's position in himself, and even a social value imposed on him.
I think of myself traveling to several countries during my study period. I always feel confident whenever and wherever I go. Even though language may be a factor that hinders my complete expression of opinion, I am subjective and free to move in consciousness. The body, in the presence of me, allows me to feel the frequency with which we breathe together with the world.
Until they are married, they feel that their subjectivity has suddenly been taken away.
Love, marriage, marriage, some people say that two semi-circles can form a complete circle, but I always disagree. I think that everyone is a complete circle. If two circles overlap, it is the overlap of their lives. It does not mean that they lose themselves, but two self-conscious subjects have found partners in their lives. . This is not a compromise. It is through constant communication and running-in to make a "choice" acceptable to both.
This is exactly what my husband in Holland appreciates. It is also a concept of human rights that is nourished by his country’s background. Each person should have self-fulfillment and insist on listening to his inner and sincere voice before making a decision.
My husband believes that I should not "sell" myself to her and my in-laws because of the "prizes" and take risks that may be "arrested inside" at any time in the new family; I also know that if I want to be myself, occasionally Of course, it will also require "righteousness" to stay with their parents or be "pretentious" to lay down the status of a daughter-in-law and be a spoiled daughter. In this way, I cannot and should not price myself for rituals and customs. I blindly obey the tradition but do not respect myself and lose my self-worth.
Exotic marriages look like beautiful faces, and there are countless wisdoms colliding with ideas
Yes, in Taiwan, exotic love is often the focus, regardless of the positive and negative voices. But aren't all people just hoping to meet their friends who have known, loved and sympathized in their lives? From exotic love to marriage, the goal is also to create a family full of happiness and harmony; more cultural differences still have to maintain a good relationship, and we must maintain mutual understanding and take a step back to reflect on the hearts of the viewers. We can They are tolerant because they understand that they are "not the same." But inclusion does not mean acceptance.
Both I and the husband agree that equality of husband and wife is the basis for the health of a relationship. "The bride price" should not be the threshold for marriage - "If I don't use 200,000 Hong Kong dollars, I can't marry my daughter." This means that you have deprived your child of the autonomy of being a "person," and the daughter is not the person's property. Why is it blocked in front of her life?
"Benefits" should not be a condition of marriage - the financial background may be one of the considerations of many people, but it is also often blinded to other qualities that are more conducive to maintaining a happy relationship. Just think: One is to give millions of renminbi money, but after marriage, they do not know how to appreciate each other and share housework; one is not to take the bride price but to do their best for the family after marriage, will be with their family first. Is there a bride price, how can it affect the conditions of happiness?
After numerous discussions with my husband, I eventually chose not to raise the “prizes” to the parents of the Netherlands. We choose to spend extra effort to prove with time and action. In fact, my mother just wanted to test the determination and persistence of this exotic love. Fortunately, the mother asked me to “transfer” the bride price to my husband’s family. I can choose “to or does not want to” switch to another language and speak to my in-laws instead of sending the lifelong events that belong to me to the elder parties. So I laughed, and it was sometimes a good thing that the parents of both parties could not speak the language!
You have your way, I have my insistence
The Dutch people deal with matters of pragmatism and emphasis on equal rights. It is even more straightforward. However, if they are viewed from the perspective of traditional Chinese culture, they may feel that they are stingy. Because they did not even think about using "money" to form a marriage relationship, and thus disguised the position that women must place in the new family.
When talking about collecting money in marriage, it should be seen as an expression of the elders’ desire for a new group of children. Although my parents-in-law didn’t understand this tradition in my culture, I didn’t give a blessing, but my husband and I The cost of registering a marriage in the Netherlands is that they are out. Although the amount of money is small, but in the Dutch culture, this cost is paid for us, but it is the most important support for this marriage, and it is also the most sincere and joyful blessing from the bottom of my heart. Even if my in-laws did not take Chinese rituals and gold ornaments to show this to my wife-in-law, “My wife,” my father still wears a gold ring for her son-in-law as a father-in-law, saying that she “respects.”
The families from two different countries all gave infinite blessings in their own solemn manner. Understanding each other's differences but not forcing them to accept each other is not the most harmonious way to get along with others.
Concluding remarks: But it is the choice of love, so respect each other
Later, my friend's marriage was also ended, but she also did not talk to her parents-in-law about the “pension” at the request of her mother. Instead she discussed with her husband after listening to my experience and obtained an eclectic approach with the best of both worlds: The wedding ceremony uses Chinese-style banquets, but the cost is paid by the man and all the gifts received at the wedding party are given to the woman. Of course, the number of women relatives and friends attending is more than the number of women relatives and friends. How much can be recycled depends on the “strength” of the parent’s and friends’ group of the woman. The only part that is the same as my experience is that after discussing with the foreigner, the “passing money” is stopped. .
"People who wear pink lenses mistakenly believe that the world is pink and do not realize that they wear glasses." Adler's quotes pointed out cognitive biases and reminded us that we should remove the life style that is firmly rooted in front of us and try to treat the difference objectively. It is because my growing background with my husband is a very different attitude towards marriage. I will not be caught in the error of being "of course" for the bride price.
In fact, the so-called "browsing" custom is not taken for granted in Taiwan. For example, as early as in 1927, the Taiwan People's Party Party Committee, which was organized in 1927, has explicitly stipulated that the bride-bearing system should be abolished; and today, many young generations of men and women and open parents are gradually not confined to ancient rites.
However, I am still grateful for such heated talks with my family before marriage and my thoughts on the rituals of bride-bearing. When I reveal my sincerity and examine my own blood, no matter how good or bad my inheritance culture is, I should have self-judgment. Ability. Because, before I made more connections with the world, I knew more about myself. After all, the wedding is a moment, the marriage is a lifetime. If you can't go through this level, what life will you talk about?
※This article is published on the website of the Japan Exchange Line. The original title is "How the knot ends! ? Accident lesson of exotic love: The mother insists on “no bride price is not allowed to marry”.
[Related reading]
The "leftover" era? ─ Marriage system going to disappear
Before marrying him, she must first marry a tree - the marriage tradition of India
About the Author:
Gu Zhuo
It's a teacher, but she likes to be a mother and she writes something after she goes to sleep.
The schooling stage has experienced nourishment in Canada, Australia, and the Netherlands, jumping more than 20 countries. Dreaming to collect international marathons in major cities, there is also a natural heart for camping with family members on all sides of the horizon. While keeping an open mind about where the world will be in the future, the Dutch husband always says: "It's good to be together."
Facebook page: Jivan's Notes
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這婚怎麼結！？異國戀情的意外一課：母親堅持「沒聘金不准嫁」
換日線
230 人追蹤
愛的培養皿2018年6月16日 上午9:00
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前幾天我收到一封訊息，一位來自澳門的女性朋友要和歐洲男友結婚了。正替她高興終於這段遠距離戀情終於修成正果，她卻苦惱於該怎麼開口跟準老公／老公家人說華人文化有「聘金」這檔事……因為她的母親要求男方，要準備個二十萬港幣，才有可能把女兒嫁出去。" data-reactid="27">前幾天我收到一封訊息，一位來自澳門的女性朋友要和歐洲男友結婚了。正替她高興終於這段遠距離戀情終於修成正果，她卻苦惱於該怎麼開口跟準老公／老公家人說華人文化有「聘金」這檔事……因為她的母親要求男方，要準備個二十萬港幣，才有可能把女兒嫁出去。
這讓我想起當初要結婚前，自己也卡在母親和荷蘭籍的老公之間。為了「聘金」這檔事，心情極度萎靡，甚至讓已經不贊成我與外籍人士結婚的母親，氣到不願意和我說話。" data-reactid="28">這讓我想起當初要結婚前，自己也卡在母親和荷蘭籍的老公之間。為了「聘金」這檔事，心情極度萎靡，甚至讓已經不贊成我與外籍人士結婚的母親，氣到不願意和我說話。
猶記得母親不時把「我花了這麼多錢栽培孩子」、「看聘金就可以讓人覺得他們重不重視要娶我家女兒」、「連紅包都沒有真不懂得感謝」、、、這些情感勒索的話掛在嘴邊，這些話是說給誰聽的，我也心裡有數。" data-reactid="29">猶記得母親不時把「我花了這麼多錢栽培孩子」、「看聘金就可以讓人覺得他們重不重視要娶我家女兒」、「連紅包都沒有真不懂得感謝」、、、這些情感勒索的話掛在嘴邊，這些話是說給誰聽的，我也心裡有數。
夾在母親與老公之間，我不只怕留給夫家那頭勢利的印象，還要擔心與老公的感情因金錢的觀念兜不攏而產生裂痕。但同時，又渴望自己結婚有家人的祝福與支持。當時不斷猶豫，假設我開口向文化裡沒有「聘金」概念的荷蘭夫家，說明我們家中有「準備錢來娶女孩」這回事，會不會對我們倆組成的新家庭產生影響？" data-reactid="30">夾在母親與老公之間，我不只怕留給夫家那頭勢利的印象，還要擔心與老公的感情因金錢的觀念兜不攏而產生裂痕。但同時，又渴望自己結婚有家人的祝福與支持。當時不斷猶豫，假設我開口向文化裡沒有「聘金」概念的荷蘭夫家，說明我們家中有「準備錢來娶女孩」這回事，會不會對我們倆組成的新家庭產生影響？
文化差異中談「錢」超棘手，於是我們先坐下重新「認識差異」
異國戀情都是因「愛」開始，也常是因為有所不同所以相互吸引，但若只有「愛」是很難在激情過後走得長遠。在認識國與國間風土民情的差異以前，我們應該先將「尊重」與「聆聽」設為溝通的前提，如此才能不抱成見的敞開心去了解彼此。
回到結婚這件事，我們都希望兩家／國這樣相聚萬里遠的聯姻，能得到彼此家人的認同與祝福，所以隨意找個日子去登記不在我們的選項當中，這是我們擁有的第一個共識。" data-reactid="33">回到結婚這件事，我們都希望兩家／國這樣相聚萬里遠的聯姻，能得到彼此家人的認同與祝福，所以隨意找個日子去登記不在我們的選項當中，這是我們擁有的第一個共識。
有了這樣的目標，我與老公便決定放下各自背景帶給我們的堅持，自己對自己的「結婚文化」了解一番，再提出來給對方「認識」。我們認為唯有如此，這婚姻締結的過程才有可能盡力的找到「兩全其美」的方式，進一步退一步的慢慢平衡。" data-reactid="34">有了這樣的目標，我與老公便決定放下各自背景帶給我們的堅持，自己對自己的「結婚文化」了解一番，再提出來給對方「認識」。我們認為唯有如此，這婚姻締結的過程才有可能盡力的找到「兩全其美」的方式，進一步退一步的慢慢平衡。
因此，我對聘金文化做了點研究：「聘金」古禮，可追溯到西周時代，其實是「納徵」的一環。裡面的「大聘」是因為古人認為女孩若要嫁人，宜給對方父母的「養育費」，感謝岳父母將女兒養大；而「小聘」則是嫁娶儀式中女方會支出的治裝、大小餅等開銷。" data-reactid="35">因此，我對聘金文化做了點研究：「聘金」古禮，可追溯到西周時代，其實是「納徵」的一環。裡面的「大聘」是因為古人認為女孩若要嫁人，宜給對方父母的「養育費」，感謝岳父母將女兒養大；而「小聘」則是嫁娶儀式中女方會支出的治裝、大小餅等開銷。
簡單而言，「聘金」背後隱含最重要的觀念是：因為女兒出嫁後改姓、搬至夫家侍奉公婆，再也不屬於原姓一家（娘家），因此夫家有義務「補償」女方家庭。" data-reactid="36">簡單而言，「聘金」背後隱含最重要的觀念是：因為女兒出嫁後改姓、搬至夫家侍奉公婆，再也不屬於原姓一家（娘家），因此夫家有義務「補償」女方家庭。
換言之，聘金也隱含著女兒是被「賣」出的意味。" data-reactid="37">換言之，聘金也隱含著女兒是被「賣」出的意味。
當我說到這裡，老公更加無法接受「聘金」了。他直指其中關鍵：" data-reactid="38">當我說到這裡，老公更加無法接受「聘金」了。他直指其中關鍵：
結婚應該是雙方平等且共同組織家庭，沒有誰沒了女兒，也沒有誰失去兒子；「嫁」＆「娶」在華人文化中是一個相當有問題的概念，「嫁」這動作具有「嫁出去」，一種失去的意思，而「娶進來」似乎就變成得到某種可交易的東西而成為贏家。" data-reactid="39">結婚應該是雙方平等且共同組織家庭，沒有誰沒了女兒，也沒有誰失去兒子；「嫁」＆「娶」在華人文化中是一個相當有問題的概念，「嫁」這動作具有「嫁出去」，一種失去的意思，而「娶進來」似乎就變成得到某種可交易的東西而成為贏家。
他接著說，在荷蘭，締結婚姻最重要的一刻就是新人到市政廳登記的那天。親友紛紛到現場，一同見證結婚文件被蓋章證實其有效性。" data-reactid="40">他接著說，在荷蘭，締結婚姻最重要的一刻就是新人到市政廳登記的那天。親友紛紛到現場，一同見證結婚文件被蓋章證實其有效性。
至於有沒有扯到錢呢？可有可無，全看親友個人對新人祝福的心。若有給，給的方式也不只一種：可以是直接匯款到新人共同帳戶、寫張祝福卡片並附上現金，或是直接開口問有沒有需要的家具，挑好後把家具送到新居。" data-reactid="41">至於有沒有扯到錢呢？可有可無，全看親友個人對新人祝福的心。若有給，給的方式也不只一種：可以是直接匯款到新人共同帳戶、寫張祝福卡片並附上現金，或是直接開口問有沒有需要的家具，挑好後把家具送到新居。
與我們文化中最大的不同，就是那些祝福的錢都是給新人「共同」花費的，不是男方家庭出錢，如同「買」一位女性回家當老婆。" data-reactid="42">與我們文化中最大的不同，就是那些祝福的錢都是給新人「共同」花費的，不是男方家庭出錢，如同「買」一位女性回家當老婆。
正是這些話，瞬間連我都想跟老公站在同一陣線了。我從來都沒想過自己會有被母親「待價而沽」的一天；也沒想過因為身為女人，而在自己的人生大事中被視作矮人一截的一方。" data-reactid="43">正是這些話，瞬間連我都想跟老公站在同一陣線了。我從來都沒想過自己會有被母親「待價而沽」的一天；也沒想過因為身為女人，而在自己的人生大事中被視作矮人一截的一方。
更慘不忍睹的是，我竟然還要自己開口向沒有這樣禮俗的荷蘭老公說：「我媽說要錢才能帶我走」。" data-reactid="44">更慘不忍睹的是，我竟然還要自己開口向沒有這樣禮俗的荷蘭老公說：「我媽說要錢才能帶我走」。
古禮誠可貴，但聆聽自我的聲音才是對自己的尊重" data-reactid="45">古禮誠可貴，但聆聽自我的聲音才是對自己的尊重
佛洛伊德說過：「性別並非生理構造，而是心理意識。」" data-reactid="46">佛洛伊德說過：「性別並非生理構造，而是心理意識。」
此外，大家認知中的女性主義代表人物，除了西蒙波娃之外，還有位維蒂格，她有本著作就叫《一個人不是生來就是女人》（One is Not Born a Woman）。她認為「女人」簡單來說其實是普世建構起來的概念，是一個人心裡對自己的定位，甚至是強加在自己身上的社會價值觀。" data-reactid="47">此外，大家認知中的女性主義代表人物，除了西蒙波娃之外，還有位維蒂格，她有本著作就叫《一個人不是生來就是女人》（One is Not Born a Woman）。她認為「女人」簡單來說其實是普世建構起來的概念，是一個人心裡對自己的定位，甚至是強加在自己身上的社會價值觀。
我想起自己求學階段遊歷數國的自己，無論在何時何地，總是那麼樣的有自信，即便語言可能是阻礙我完整表達己見的因素，但意識中「我」的主體性與自在移動的身體，在在都能讓我感受自己與世界共同呼吸的頻率。" data-reactid="48">我想起自己求學階段遊歷數國的自己，無論在何時何地，總是那麼樣的有自信，即便語言可能是阻礙我完整表達己見的因素，但意識中「我」的主體性與自在移動的身體，在在都能讓我感受自己與世界共同呼吸的頻率。
直到要結婚了，才感覺自己的主體性竟突然被剝奪走了。" data-reactid="49">直到要結婚了，才感覺自己的主體性竟突然被剝奪走了。
戀愛、婚姻、成家，有人說兩個半圓才能構成一個完整的圓，但我一直不同意。我認為，人人都是一個完整的圓，兩個圓有了交疊，便是兩人生活的重疊，那不意味著失去自我，而是兩個有自我意識的主體找到了生命中的夥伴。這不是妥協，而是透過不斷的溝通與磨合，來做出兩人都可接受的「選擇」。" data-reactid="50">戀愛、婚姻、成家，有人說兩個半圓才能構成一個完整的圓，但我一直不同意。我認為，人人都是一個完整的圓，兩個圓有了交疊，便是兩人生活的重疊，那不意味著失去自我，而是兩個有自我意識的主體找到了生命中的夥伴。這不是妥協，而是透過不斷的溝通與磨合，來做出兩人都可接受的「選擇」。
這正是我的荷蘭老公欣賞的態度，也是他的國情背景滋養成的人權觀──每個人都該有自我實現的堅持，做決定前要先聆聽自我內在真誠的聲音。" data-reactid="51">這正是我的荷蘭老公欣賞的態度，也是他的國情背景滋養成的人權觀──每個人都該有自我實現的堅持，做決定前要先聆聽自我內在真誠的聲音。
老公認為，我不該因為「聘金」而把自己「賣」給他與公婆，冒著可能隨時在新家庭中「委屈吞腹內」的險；我也知道，假若我想要做自己，偶爾當然也會需要「理直氣壯」地陪在自己父母的身邊，或是「任性」地放下媳婦的身分而做個撒嬌的女兒。如此我便更不能、也不該因為禮俗而為自己標價，盲目遵從傳統卻不尊重我自己，遺失了自我的價值。" data-reactid="52">老公認為，我不該因為「聘金」而把自己「賣」給他與公婆，冒著可能隨時在新家庭中「委屈吞腹內」的險；我也知道，假若我想要做自己，偶爾當然也會需要「理直氣壯」地陪在自己父母的身邊，或是「任性」地放下媳婦的身分而做個撒嬌的女兒。如此我便更不能、也不該因為禮俗而為自己標價，盲目遵從傳統卻不尊重我自己，遺失了自我的價值。
異國婚姻看似美好的表面，藏有無數個觀念碰撞而生的智慧" data-reactid="53">異國婚姻看似美好的表面，藏有無數個觀念碰撞而生的智慧
是，在台灣，異國戀常是焦點，無論正負的聲音。但人人不都只是希望能遇到生命中相知、相愛、相惜的伴侶嗎？而從異國戀走入婚姻，目標也同樣是營造一個充滿歡樂和諧的家庭；多了文化差異卻仍要維持良好的關係，要時時刻刻保持進一步相互了解、退一步反省檢視的心，我們可以因為了解到彼此的「不一樣」所以包容，但包容不表示該接受。" data-reactid="54">是，在台灣，異國戀常是焦點，無論正負的聲音。但人人不都只是希望能遇到生命中相知、相愛、相惜的伴侶嗎？而從異國戀走入婚姻，目標也同樣是營造一個充滿歡樂和諧的家庭；多了文化差異卻仍要維持良好的關係，要時時刻刻保持進一步相互了解、退一步反省檢視的心，我們可以因為了解到彼此的「不一樣」所以包容，但包容不表示該接受。
我和先生都認同，夫妻位置平等是一段關係是否健康的依據。「聘金」不該是聯姻的門檻－「沒有拿出二十萬港幣我就不可能讓女兒嫁給你」正意味著你剝奪了孩子身為「人」的自主性，女兒不是誰的財產，為何擋在她人生路的前方？" data-reactid="55">我和先生都認同，夫妻位置平等是一段關係是否健康的依據。「聘金」不該是聯姻的門檻－「沒有拿出二十萬港幣我就不可能讓女兒嫁給你」正意味著你剝奪了孩子身為「人」的自主性，女兒不是誰的財產，為何擋在她人生路的前方？
「聘金」，不該是聯姻的條件－財力背景或許是許多人的考量之一，但也常讓人對其他更有益於維持幸福關係的人格特質視而不見。試想：一個是給了數百萬台幣聘金，婚後卻不懂得體諒對方與分攤家務；一個是拿不出聘金卻在婚後對家庭盡心盡力、將陪伴家人擺第一。有沒有聘金，怎麼會是影響幸福的條件呢？" data-reactid="56">「聘金」，不該是聯姻的條件－財力背景或許是許多人的考量之一，但也常讓人對其他更有益於維持幸福關係的人格特質視而不見。試想：一個是給了數百萬台幣聘金，婚後卻不懂得體諒對方與分攤家務；一個是拿不出聘金卻在婚後對家庭盡心盡力、將陪伴家人擺第一。有沒有聘金，怎麼會是影響幸福的條件呢？
我和老公經過無數次討論，最終選擇不向荷蘭方的父母提出「聘金」一事。我們選擇花加倍的心力用時間和行動證明，其實母親只是想考驗這段異國戀的決心與堅持。也幸虧是母親要我「轉達」聘金一事給夫家，我可以選擇「要不要」換成另一種語言開口向公婆說，而非把屬於我的終身大事交給雙方長輩去談。於是我笑了，原來雙方父母語言不通有時也是一件好事啊！" data-reactid="57">我和老公經過無數次討論，最終選擇不向荷蘭方的父母提出「聘金」一事。我們選擇花加倍的心力用時間和行動證明，其實母親只是想考驗這段異國戀的決心與堅持。也幸虧是母親要我「轉達」聘金一事給夫家，我可以選擇「要不要」換成另一種語言開口向公婆說，而非把屬於我的終身大事交給雙方長輩去談。於是我笑了，原來雙方父母語言不通有時也是一件好事啊！
你有你的方式，我有我的堅持" data-reactid="58">你有你的方式，我有我的堅持
荷蘭人處理事情務實、重視平權，更是單刀直入；但若是從傳統華人文化的角度觀之，可能就會認為有那麼點小氣。因為他們壓根都沒想過用「錢」締結婚姻關係，進而變相將女性定位在新家庭中必須服從的位置。" data-reactid="59">荷蘭人處理事情務實、重視平權，更是單刀直入；但若是從傳統華人文化的角度觀之，可能就會認為有那麼點小氣。因為他們壓根都沒想過用「錢」締結婚姻關係，進而變相將女性定位在新家庭中必須服從的位置。
婚姻當中談到收錢，應該視作是長輩們對兒女新組家庭心意的表達，我的公婆雖然因為不了解我的文化中有這項傳統，而一毛聘金都沒給，然而我與先生在荷蘭登記結婚的費用是他們出的。錢的金額雖小，但在荷蘭的文化中，替我們付了這個費用，卻是對這段婚姻最重要的支持，也是身為父母發自心底那股最真誠、喜悅的祝福。而即便我的公婆沒有走華人禮俗打金飾給我這位媳婦表示「勾親」，但我的父親也仍依照自己的習俗，以岳父身分為女婿戴上金戒指，表示「尊重」。" data-reactid="60">婚姻當中談到收錢，應該視作是長輩們對兒女新組家庭心意的表達，我的公婆雖然因為不了解我的文化中有這項傳統，而一毛聘金都沒給，然而我與先生在荷蘭登記結婚的費用是他們出的。錢的金額雖小，但在荷蘭的文化中，替我們付了這個費用，卻是對這段婚姻最重要的支持，也是身為父母發自心底那股最真誠、喜悅的祝福。而即便我的公婆沒有走華人禮俗打金飾給我這位媳婦表示「勾親」，但我的父親也仍依照自己的習俗，以岳父身分為女婿戴上金戒指，表示「尊重」。
來自兩個不同國度的家庭，都用屬於自己最隆重的方式給上了無限祝福，了解彼此相異之處但不強迫對方接受，不正是人與人間最圓融的相處之道嗎？" data-reactid="61">來自兩個不同國度的家庭，都用屬於自己最隆重的方式給上了無限祝福，了解彼此相異之處但不強迫對方接受，不正是人與人間最圓融的相處之道嗎？
結語：不過就是愛己所選，所以尊重彼此" data-reactid="62">結語：不過就是愛己所選，所以尊重彼此
後來，我的朋友婚也是結了，但她也同樣沒有照母親的要求向公婆開口談「聘金」，而是在聽過我的經驗後與她的丈夫討論，取得一個折衷又兩全其美的方法：婚禮採中式宴客方式，但費用由男方出，婚宴上收到的禮金全數給女方。當然出席的以女方親友多，能回收多少就看女方父母親友團的「實力」──唯一和我的經驗一樣的部分，就是在與外籍先生討論後一同把「拿錢過關」這事就此打住。" data-reactid="63">後來，我的朋友婚也是結了，但她也同樣沒有照母親的要求向公婆開口談「聘金」，而是在聽過我的經驗後與她的丈夫討論，取得一個折衷又兩全其美的方法：婚禮採中式宴客方式，但費用由男方出，婚宴上收到的禮金全數給女方。當然出席的以女方親友多，能回收多少就看女方父母親友團的「實力」──唯一和我的經驗一樣的部分，就是在與外籍先生討論後一同把「拿錢過關」這事就此打住。
「戴上粉紅色鏡片的人，誤以為世界是粉紅色，絲毫沒有察覺自己戴上眼鏡」。阿德勒的名句點出了認知偏見，提醒著我們應該摘除那擋在眼前根深柢固的生活型態，盡量客觀的看待不同；正因我與老公的成長背景對於聯姻的態度天差地別，我才不至於陷入聘金是「理所當然」的偏差。" data-reactid="64">「戴上粉紅色鏡片的人，誤以為世界是粉紅色，絲毫沒有察覺自己戴上眼鏡」。阿德勒的名句點出了認知偏見，提醒著我們應該摘除那擋在眼前根深柢固的生活型態，盡量客觀的看待不同；正因我與老公的成長背景對於聯姻的態度天差地別，我才不至於陷入聘金是「理所當然」的偏差。
其實，所謂「聘金」的習俗，在台灣本就不是理所當然。例如早在1927年籌組的台灣民眾黨黨綱中，就已明文規定廢止聘金制度；而當今許多年輕世代的男女與開通的父母，也漸漸不拘泥於古禮。" data-reactid="65">其實，所謂「聘金」的習俗，在台灣本就不是理所當然。例如早在1927年籌組的台灣民眾黨黨綱中，就已明文規定廢止聘金制度；而當今許多年輕世代的男女與開通的父母，也漸漸不拘泥於古禮。
然而，我仍感謝婚前和家人有過這樣激烈的談話，及對於聘金禮俗的思辨：當我裸露自己的真誠、檢視自己的血脈時，無論傳承的文化好與不好，本就該具備自我判斷的能力。因為，那讓我與世界建立更多連結前，又更瞭解了自己。畢竟，婚禮是一時，婚姻是一世，如果連這一關都過不去，那還談什麼生活一輩子？" data-reactid="66">然而，我仍感謝婚前和家人有過這樣激烈的談話，及對於聘金禮俗的思辨：當我裸露自己的真誠、檢視自己的血脈時，無論傳承的文化好與不好，本就該具備自我判斷的能力。因為，那讓我與世界建立更多連結前，又更瞭解了自己。畢竟，婚禮是一時，婚姻是一世，如果連這一關都過不去，那還談什麼生活一輩子？
※本文由換日線網站授權刊載，原標題為《 這婚怎麼結！？異國戀情的意外一課：母親堅持「沒聘金不准嫁」 》，未經同意禁止轉載
【關聯閱讀】
「剩女」時代？──走向消亡的婚姻制度
與先生結婚前，她必須先嫁給一棵樹──印度的婚姻傳統
關於作者：
谷卓
是老師，但最喜歡當媽，並趁孩子睡去後寫些什麼。" data-reactid="69">關於作者：
谷卓
是老師，但最喜歡當媽，並趁孩子睡去後寫些什麼。
求學階段歷經加拿大、澳洲、荷蘭的滋養，蹦跳20餘國。夢想蒐集各大城的國際馬拉松，還有一顆與家人在天涯各方露營的自然心。對未來在世界何處落腳保持開放態度，荷蘭老公總說：「一起就好」。" data-reactid="70">求學階段歷經加拿大、澳洲、荷蘭的滋養，蹦跳20餘國。夢想蒐集各大城的國際馬拉松，還有一顆與家人在天涯各方露營的自然心。對未來在世界何處落腳保持開放態度，荷蘭老公總說：「一起就好」。
臉書專頁：Jivan小天涯手記
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How do you get married? ? Accidental Lesson of Exotic Romance: Mother insists that "No auntie is not allowed to marry"
Exchange line
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The petri dish of love, June 16, 2018, 9:00 am
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A few days ago I received a message that a female friend from Macau had to marry a European boyfriend. As she was happy for her, this long-distance romance finally came true, but she was distressed at how to speak with her husband/her husband and family saying that Chinese culture had a “worship money”...because her mother asked the man to prepare a second Only HK$100,000 can marry her daughter.
This reminds me of myself being stuck between my mother and a Dutch husband before we got married. In order to make the "gold contract" this matter, my mood is extremely dim. Even the mother who has disapproved of my marriage with foreigners is not willing to speak to me.
I still remember that my mother used "I spent so much money to raise children" from time to time. "Looking at the bride price can make people feel that they are not paying attention to my family's daughters." "No one really knows how to thank even the red envelopes." The words of extortion are hung on the lips. These words are for whom to hear, and I know for myself.
Sandwiched between her mother and her husband, I was not only afraid of leaving the snobbish impression of the husband's family, but also worried that her feelings with her husband could not be resolved because of the concept of money. But at the same time, they are eager to marry and have the blessings and support of their families. Hesitated at the time. Suppose that I opened my mouth to Dutch husbands who did not have the concept of "pension" in their culture. This shows that there is something in our family about "preparing money to marry girls." Will this affect our new family?
Talking about "money" is extremely tricky in cultural differences, so we first sat down to "recognize differences".
Exotic love is the beginning of "love," and often because of the difference, it attracts each other, but if only "love" is difficult to go long after the passion. Before we realize the differences between the country and the country, we should first set "respect" and "listening" as the prerequisites for communication so that we can understand each other without prejudice.
Returning to marriage, we all hope that the two countries will get together and enjoy the recognition and blessings of each other's families. Therefore, we have no choice but to register for the day. This is the first place we have. Consensus.
With such a goal, my husband and I decided to put down the persistence of their respective backgrounds, learn something about their own "marriage culture," and come up with "awareness" for the other party. We believe that only in this way can the process of marriage concluding be able to find a way to "get the best of both worlds" and take a step back and balance it gradually.
Therefore, I have done a little research on the bride-bearing culture: "The bridegroom" ancient ritual can be traced back to the Western Zhou Dynasty, but it is actually part of the "nature". The "grand recruiting" in the book is because the ancients believed that if a girl wants to marry, she should give her parents a "parental care fee," and she is grateful to her parents for raising her daughter's daughter. The "small hires" are the expenses incurred by the woman's association during the wedding ceremony. Packing, size cakes and other expenses.
In simple terms, the most important concept behind the “association of gifts” is that because the daughter changes her last name after her husband’s marriage, she moves to her husband’s family to serve her in-laws, and no longer belongs to her family’s family name (home), so the husband’s family is obligated to “compensate” the woman’s family. .
In other words, the bride price also implies that the daughter is "sold out".
When I talked about this, her husband was even more unacceptable. He points to the key:
Marriage should be equal and the two sides jointly organize families. No one has no daughter and no one has lost his son. “Marrying” and “begging” are very problematic concepts in Chinese culture. “Marrying” has the effect of “marrying out.” "" A lost meaning, and "Yao Jin comes in" seems to become something tradable and a winner.
He went on to say that in the Netherlands, the most important moment in entering a marriage is the day the newcomers register with the City Hall. Relatives and friends came to the scene one after another to witness the fact that the marriage document was stamped to verify its validity.
As for whether there is any money? Dispensable, all look at the hearts of relatives and friends personally blessing new people. If there is any, there is not only one way to give it: it can be direct remittance to a newcomer's joint account, writing a blessing card and attaching cash, or directly asking if there is any furniture needed, picking up the furniture and sending it to his new home.
The biggest difference from our culture is that the blessed money is spent for the newcomers. It is not the man’s family’s money. It’s like “buying” a woman to go home as wife.
It was these words that I instantly wanted to stand on the same front with my husband. I never thought that I would have been "done by the price of my mother" for a day. I had never thought of being a woman of a dwarf because she was a woman.
Even more appalling, I even wanted to open my mouth to a Dutch husband who did not have such a ritual: "My mother said that she needs money to take me away."
The ancient ceremony is precious, but listening to the self is the respect for oneself
Freud said: "Sex is not a physical structure but a psychological consciousness."
In addition, in addition to Simon Poova, there are also Wittigs who are known as feminist representatives. Her book is called "One is Not Born a Woman." She believes that "woman" is simply a concept constructed in a universal way. It is a person's position in himself, and even a social value imposed on him.
I think of myself traveling to several countries during my study period. I always feel confident whenever and wherever I go. Even though language may be a factor that hinders my complete expression of opinion, I am subjective and free to move in consciousness. The body, in the presence of me, allows me to feel the frequency with which we breathe together with the world.
Until they are married, they feel that their subjectivity has suddenly been taken away.
Love, marriage, marriage, some people say that two semi-circles can form a complete circle, but I always disagree. I think that everyone is a complete circle. If two circles overlap, it is the overlap of their lives. It does not mean that they lose themselves, but two self-conscious subjects have found partners in their lives. . This is not a compromise. It is through constant communication and running-in to make a "choice" acceptable to both.
This is exactly what my husband in Holland appreciates. It is also a concept of human rights that is nourished by his country’s background. Each person should have self-fulfillment and insist on listening to his inner and sincere voice before making a decision.
My husband believes that I should not "sell" myself to her and my in-laws because of the "prizes" and take risks that may be "arrested inside" at any time in the new family; I also know that if I want to be myself, occasionally Of course, it will also require "righteousness" to stay with their parents or be "pretentious" to lay down the status of a daughter-in-law and be a spoiled daughter. In this way, I cannot and should not price myself for rituals and customs. I blindly obey the tradition but do not respect myself and lose my self-worth.
Exotic marriages look like beautiful faces, and there are countless wisdoms colliding with ideas
Yes, in Taiwan, exotic love is often the focus, regardless of the positive and negative voices. But aren't all people just hoping to meet their friends who have known, loved and sympathized in their lives? From exotic love to marriage, the goal is also to create a family full of happiness and harmony; more cultural differences still have to maintain a good relationship, and we must maintain mutual understanding and take a step back to reflect on the hearts of the viewers. We can They are tolerant because they understand that they are "not the same." But inclusion does not mean acceptance.
Both I and the husband agree that equality of husband and wife is the basis for the health of a relationship. "The bride price" should not be the threshold for marriage - "If I don't use 200,000 Hong Kong dollars, I can't marry my daughter." This means that you have deprived your child of the autonomy of being a "person," and the daughter is not the person's property. Why is it blocked in front of her life?
"Benefits" should not be a condition of marriage - the financial background may be one of the considerations of many people, but it is also often blinded to other qualities that are more conducive to maintaining a happy relationship. Just think: One is to give millions of renminbi money, but after marriage, they do not know how to appreciate each other and share housework; one is not to take the bride price but to do their best for the family after marriage, will be with their family first. Is there a bride price, how can it affect the conditions of happiness?
After numerous discussions with my husband, I eventually chose not to raise the “prizes” to the parents of the Netherlands. We choose to spend extra effort to prove with time and action. In fact, my mother just wanted to test the determination and persistence of this exotic love. Fortunately, the mother asked me to “transfer” the bride price to my husband’s family. I can choose “to or does not want to” switch to another language and speak to my in-laws instead of sending the lifelong events that belong to me to the elder parties. So I laughed, and it was sometimes a good thing that the parents of both parties could not speak the language!
You have your way, I have my insistence
The Dutch people deal with matters of pragmatism and emphasis on equal rights. It is even more straightforward. However, if they are viewed from the perspective of traditional Chinese culture, they may feel that they are stingy. Because they did not even think about using "money" to form a marriage relationship, and thus disguised the position that women must place in the new family.
When talking about collecting money in marriage, it should be seen as an expression of the elders’ desire for a new group of children. Although my parents-in-law didn’t understand this tradition in my culture, I didn’t give a blessing, but my husband and I The cost of registering a marriage in the Netherlands is that they are out. Although the amount of money is small, but in the Dutch culture, this cost is paid for us, but it is the most important support for this marriage, and it is also the most sincere and joyful blessing from the bottom of my heart. Even if my in-laws did not take Chinese rituals and gold ornaments to show this to my wife-in-law, “My wife,” my father still wears a gold ring for her son-in-law as a father-in-law, saying that she “respects.”
The families from two different countries all gave infinite blessings in their own solemn manner. Understanding each other's differences but not forcing them to accept each other is not the most harmonious way to get along with others.
Concluding remarks: But it is the choice of love, so respect each other
Later, my friend's marriage was also ended, but she also did not talk to her parents-in-law about the “pension” at the request of her mother. Instead she discussed with her husband after listening to my experience and obtained an eclectic approach with the best of both worlds: The wedding ceremony uses Chinese-style banquets, but the cost is paid by the man and all the gifts received at the wedding party are given to the woman. Of course, the number of women relatives and friends attending is more than the number of women relatives and friends. How much can be recycled depends on the “strength” of the parent’s and friends’ group of the woman. The only part that is the same as my experience is that after discussing with the foreigner, the “passing money” is stopped. .
"People who wear pink lenses mistakenly believe that the world is pink and do not realize that they wear glasses." Adler's quotes pointed out cognitive biases and reminded us that we should remove the life style that is firmly rooted in front of us and try to treat the difference objectively. It is because my growing background with my husband is a very different attitude towards marriage. I will not be caught in the error of being "of course" for the bride price.
In fact, the so-called "browsing" custom is not taken for granted in Taiwan. For example, as early as in 1927, the Taiwan People's Party Party Committee, which was organized in 1927, has explicitly stipulated that the bride-bearing system should be abolished; and today, many young generations of men and women and open parents are gradually not confined to ancient rites.
However, I am still grateful for such heated talks with my family before marriage and my thoughts on the rituals of bride-bearing. When I reveal my sincerity and examine my own blood, no matter how good or bad my inheritance culture is, I should have self-judgment. Ability. Because, before I made more connections with the world, I knew more about myself. After all, the wedding is a moment, the marriage is a lifetime. If you can't go through this level, what life will you talk about?
※This article is published on the website of the Japan Exchange Line. The original title is "How the knot ends! ? Accident lesson of exotic love: The mother insists on “no bride price is not allowed to marry”.
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About the Author:
Gu Zhuo
It's a teacher, but she likes to be a mother and she writes something after she goes to sleep.
The schooling stage has experienced nourishment in Canada, Australia, and the Netherlands, jumping more than 20 countries. Dreaming to collect international marathons in major cities, there is also a natural heart for camping with family members on all sides of the horizon. While keeping an open mind about where the world will be in the future, the Dutch husband always says: "It's good to be together."
Facebook page: Jivan's Notes
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