Help!! Is there a problem with me?

[lolabunny]

ARe you trying to say that it is the man's fault and he should do more for the girl so the problem will be solve.

That is the reason why i stay away from sinkie woman.

Did i say that in the post? Did i imply that?

Firstly, this guy needs help. He's very stressed out mentally. He feels like killing himself over his wife's nagging. That's excessive reaction, not that the nagging isn't wrong.

Secondly, he needs to talk to his wife. Yell at her if possible even.

That's all.

 

[catch71]

hi, thanks for all the advice and diff point of views.

yes, I know she loves me. and i do not think money is a big concern for us to live like an average family. but of cos, i cannot match up to those big earners in singapore, and it would crazy to even try. There are 35 yo on 300k pa - how to compare?

how much is enough anyway? we do not have to worry about putting food on the table, or paying bills. we can genuinely feel happy for friends who are getting married, and go for their wedding dinners, without feeling the pinch of the angpow... (weird that I bring this up, you cannot believe the no of complains I hear about red bombs)

but of cos, we are just regular working people, middle class who lived simply (this is something I insisted, the living simply). But i guess human likes to compare, and I guess it is not necessarily a bad thing. Taken correctly, it is a motivation to improve ones' lot. at least, you know the possibilities.

as for being a wimp, i am not sure, i guess i am in certain aspect. but thru my own analysis, it is prob ingrained in my personality. I tried to "man up" so to speak, but it is very difficult - I end up more stressed. so, if the issue does not have a big impact on me, i usu prefer to let it slide. only exception : my family, esp my son and my professional integrity. Maybe that is the training from my mom, I have never met a more self-sacrificing person.

Of cos, i can only write from my point of view, and it will never be totally unbiased. so whether there are other things that I am doing that irritate the hell out of my wife, prob there is, what i can think of:

1. taking out the trash only before i go to bed, ie. late at nite - she is worried about my leaving the gate unlocked.
2. my entertainment of clients, which is very seldom - cos it is always ktv and orchard towers, and she thinks it is low class
3. my working weekends which is not often
4. my inability to take time off work when she is clearing leave
5. my forgetfulness, but i am trying my best on this one already - ok, i lost my house keys twice...
6. my unwillingness to indulge, not to mistake with kiam siap. I kiam only on myself, not with family. eg, Her mother and grandmother CNY angpow is 4 digit hor...

Give and take i also know, i rational enough to do it also. I also constantly check on myself - hence i mentioned before, i do not like confrontation, esp if i am not 100% right. I judge myself very harshly.

I identify my problem as our communication style, and the need to always identify a "guilty" party whenever something is less than perfect. and that "guilty" party always me leh.

this has been a problem all along, and i have been giving in, but recently, it starts to bug me, so i thought i should seek some different opinions, rather than to work this thing thru myself, cos i have done it so many times that i know all the angles i can come up with already. moreover, i am worried that I cannot check my temper the next time such things happen, which is pretty often. (I am repeating myself here, I know)

Moreover, i dun want to talk to people we know cos it may make the situation worse than it is. Thanks

 

[tonychat]

Respect is important as well, not just love.

 

[lolabunny]

as for being a wimp, i am not sure, i guess i am in certain aspect. but thru my own analysis, it is prob ingrained in my personality. I tried to "man up" so to speak, but it is very difficult - I end up more stressed. so, if the issue does not have a big impact on me, i usu prefer to let it slide. only exception : my family, esp my son and my professional integrity. Maybe that is the training from my mom, I have never met a more self-sacrificing person.

Give and take i also know, i rational enough to do it also. I also constantly check on myself - hence i mentioned before, i do not like confrontation, esp if i am not 100% right. I judge myself very harshly.

I identify my problem as our communication style, and the need to always identify a "guilty" party whenever something is less than perfect. and that "guilty" party always me leh.

this has been a problem all along, and i have been giving in, but recently, it starts to bug me, so i thought i should seek some different opinions, rather than to work this thing thru myself, cos i have done it so many times that i know all the angles i can come up with already. moreover, i am worried that I cannot check my temper the next time such things happen, which is pretty often. (I am repeating myself here, I know)

Why are you worried that you cannot check your temper? You should yell at her if that's what you really want.

Talk to your mom. Ask her to talk to your wife. Maybe she can learn a thing or two about self sacrifice.

 

[sage]

Let's face reality. Non dual income families here are disadvantaged due to very high cost of living even for those in hdb housing. They are more susceptible to hardship when the sole bread winner loses his or her job. There are countless single income families here with heavy financial burden and job worries. You are damned lucky that both of you are working and that it is your wife who is more successful, forget about tradition of man having to make more. Workplaces are tough and filled with kpi, competition and politics. At least your wife is holding and you should spare a thought for her and let her have some of her ways. How others wish to marry a rich wife. Further, she is also imprisoned as a mother and this is hell of a change from maidenhood emotionally. If you trade places with your wife and you are more successful, with your stated feelings, you would probably over-react to your wife alot more than she now does to you. So give and take. At the end it is all for the family, more children, more money and job security. BTW, on the materialistic part, your wife deserve to pamper herself even in thoughts whilst yet to achieve "arrived" status. Those who say that they do not dream of condos, mercedes, rolexes are lying - they are those who just cmi. Look at our $$$ rich churches and temples where frugality is not in the vocab. Your complaints are common daily issues faced by your neighbours, relatives and friends, so just think and act positive and move on. This phase will past on in no time bro.

 

[miosux]

wah bro, you're in the shits, but at least you recognize that.

i think u spotted ur own problem already... u take yourself too seriously, try to be what you are not, and end up giving urself more stress. maybe its not that your wife cannot accept you for who you are, but rather that you cannot accept yourself for what/who you are. in short, love yourself first, before the world can love you.

woah... you're oso in danger land when you start to resent doing things that you used to do. means that you're close or at your limit in terms of 'sacrificing' for the other party. its time to talk and communicate, and the no.1 thing about communicating: Listening to the other party.

and this desire for perfection, i only have one thing to say - we are human. we leave perfection to the god(s). no need to blame her or yourself man, just let it slide.

bro it seems like ur difficulty now is that you cannot accept yourself more than anything else. love yourself for who you are man, if not, no one will. you can't change your wife or control her, but you can change yourself.

i wish u luck in ur relationship with the missus.

p/s don't take yourself too seriously, don't try to 'calculate' every possibility for every moment for every scenario. that's no way to live your life man. go with the flow.

hi, thanks for all the advice and diff point of views.

I tried to "man up" so to speak, but it is very difficult - I end up more stressed. so, if the issue does not have a big impact on me, i usu prefer to let it slide. only exception : my family, esp my son and my professional integrity. Maybe that is the training from my mom, I have never met a more self-sacrificing person.

Give and take i also know, i rational enough to do it also. I also constantly check on myself - hence i mentioned before, i do not like confrontation, esp if i am not 100% right. I judge myself very harshly.

I identify my problem as our communication style, and the need to always identify a "guilty" party whenever something is less than perfect. and that "guilty" party always me leh.

this has been a problem all along, and i have been giving in, but recently, it starts to bug me, so i thought i should seek some different opinions, rather than to work this thing thru myself, cos i have done it so many times that i know all the angles i can come up with already. moreover, i am worried that I cannot check my temper the next time such things happen, which is pretty often. (I am repeating myself here, I know)

Moreover, i dun want to talk to people we know cos it may make the situation worse than it is. Thanks

 

[Frankiestine]

Sorry if the post is not organized, cos I am very confused at this point in time.

Bro I can empathized with your situation, just like you i was actually sort of jobless for the last 7 years or so as i was kind of doing my own biz with limited success...so most of the time have to take care of kid...bath him feed him, everything a mother does for her kid i have other then breast feeding...just like your wife mine also cannot tell her off type..

you can imagine how peeve i was the other day when we reached home for me to find that she has left the dining room lights, fan and router on the entire day. As i am the first to leave the house and followed by her when she need to send my kid to school in the morning...she just shrug the whole thing off...

you are right about loosing it one of this days cos i did lose it a few times with her and end up fighting and it would lead to a silent war....she those type that expects to be pacified first even if she is the wrong...

I have long given up on trying to talk to her about our problems and undeniably decides that sweeping everything under the carpet is better then having a fight...I know that this would be detrimental to our marriage but hell after going one divorce and knowing what in store...i am not keen to go thru another...better to be in a broken marriage then to be broke....divorce, alimony and maintenance cost a bomb in singapore, believe..and worse of all, our sex life is nothing to glow on..

so that why you find me pounding the streets of gl whenever I need to sextisfy my cravings..so take heart you are not the only one in this predicament...

 

[lubehsong]

most singki women born after "two is enough" era have the same characteristics mentioned ,i.e selfish,too proud to apologise when they know they did something wrong,expect you to say sorry eventhough they are in the wrong....so either you get used to their behavior or all get rid of them..

 

[Frankiestine]

Mine is not even 2 is enough family more like 6 is enough....:(:(

 

[catch71]

I was hoping to put the money issue to bed... I have a job as well, we can survive on either of our income. rolex, nice continental car for her, holidays and 5* hotels already have, no issues there. I either pay for it, or i help with my share.. although she buys her own branded stuff.

However, I will not move us to a condo cos i am not willing to take that finanical commitment. My pay is not stable month - month, and i do not want to risk having to quarrel over money.

Nobody pay good money for you to sit in the office... I know, but i am also working, although i have flexi hours. But it also means that whenever my son need to go doc, her grandparents or parents need to go doc, or whatever, i take time off to help. if her mum or granny's light not working, tap leaking, telephone no sound, waterheater not hot etc, they call me, i go and fix it.

I am the main care giver to my son, I clean him, bathe him, cook for him, feed him during weekends. If he wakes up at nite, I comfort him, if he wakes up early, I wake up with him, and bring him out for breakfast so that mummy can sleep in. Every night, i read to him, i watch tv with him, i teach him his ABCs - why? so that mummy can rest and relax as her work is stressful, as if my job is a breeze??

Before we get a weekend help with the housework, i cook, I clean, I mop. i do dishes, i wash the cars... now i only cook and do dishes, and take care of my son. If I need to go out on weekend, i make sure i pack breakfast for her, and i do marketing so that she have something to cook for her lunch, as she does not like the coffee shop downstairs. but if she needs to go out during the weekend, she leaves me with a list of instructions on what needs to be done when she is away.

I gave up job opportunities in China, Oz and Malaysia cos she does not want me to be away, and she is not willing to uproot and follow me. My family = my life liao.

I honestly do not know how much more giving i can handle...

but i recognise my problem, i pay too much attention to what she says, sometimes she tells me off over minor issues, and i take too long to forgive and forget. I cannot smile at her if i am feeling pissed... while she is those who can fall asleep during a quarrel.

Have i talked to her properly? yes and no, cos i have tried all possible means except shouting if that is a proper way. Ok, i am exhausted picking a fight with myself over this issue. sorry....

 

[jw5]

I learnt a new taiwanese phrase recently, from watching the programs on Ah Bian's case.
"Su ngia di bor"
"Win or lose is due to the wife".
How true.

 

[chupacabra]

I think you need a mistress la. It really helps.

 

[catch71]

I was hoping to put the money issue to bed... I have a job as well, we can survive on either of our income. rolex, nice continental car for her, holidays and 5* hotels already have, no issues there. I either pay for it, or i help with my share.. although she buys her own branded stuff.

However, I will not move us to a condo cos i am not willing to take that finanical commitment. My pay is not stable month - month, and i do not want to risk having to quarrel over money.

Nobody pay good money for you to sit in the office... I know, but i am also working, although i have flexi hours. But it also means that whenever my son need to go doc, her grandparents or parents need to go doc, or whatever, i take time off to help. if her mum or granny's light not working, tap leaking, telephone no sound, waterheater not hot etc, they call me, i go and fix it.

I am the main care giver to my son, I clean him, bathe him, cook for him, feed him during weekends. If he wakes up at nite, I comfort him, if he wakes up early, I wake up with him, and bring him out for breakfast so that mummy can sleep in. Every night, i read to him, i watch tv with him, i teach him his ABCs - why? so that mummy can rest and relax as her work is stressful, as if my job is a breeze??

Before we get a weekend help with the housework, i cook, I clean, I mop. i do dishes, i wash the cars... now i only cook and do dishes, and take care of my son. If I need to go out on weekend, i make sure i pack breakfast for her, and i do marketing so that she have something to cook for her lunch, as she does not like the coffee shop downstairs. but if she needs to go out during the weekend, she leaves me with a list of instructions on what needs to be done when she is away.

I gave up job opportunities in China, Oz and Malaysia cos she does not want me to be away, and she is not willing to uproot and follow me. My family = my life liao.

I honestly do not know how much more giving i can handle...

but i recognise my problem, i pay too much attention to what she says, sometimes she tells me off over minor issues, and i take too long to forgive and forget. I cannot smile at her if i am feeling pissed... while she is those who can fall asleep during a quarrel.

Have i talked to her properly? yes and no, cos i have tried all possible means except shouting if that is a proper way. Ok, i am exhausted picking a fight with myself over this issue. sorry....

 

[catch71]

Bro I can empathized with your situation, just like you i was actually sort of jobless for the last 7 years or so as i was kind of doing my own biz with limited success...

yeah that is my situation as well, but how do we define "success"? it is relative, compared to the the auntie clearing the cups in the kopitiam, we are doing great, compared to......

I am doing my own FL stuff, and I need to work only 4 days a month to be comfortable. Is that considered successful? Rest of the time, i need to develop biz so that i can maintain 4 days of work per month leh.

 

[lifeafter41]

I was hoping to put the money issue to bed... I have a job as well, we can survive on either of our income. rolex, nice continental car for her, holidays and 5* hotels already have, no issues there. I either pay for it, or i help with my share.. although she buys her own branded stuff.

However, I will not move us to a condo cos i am not willing to take that finanical commitment. My pay is not stable month - month, and i do not want to risk having to quarrel over money.

Nobody pay good money for you to sit in the office... I know, but i am also working, although i have flexi hours. But it also means that whenever my son need to go doc, her grandparents or parents need to go doc, or whatever, i take time off to help. if her mum or granny's light not working, tap leaking, telephone no sound, waterheater not hot etc, they call me, i go and fix it.

I am the main care giver to my son, I clean him, bathe him, cook for him, feed him during weekends. If he wakes up at nite, I comfort him, if he wakes up early, I wake up with him, and bring him out for breakfast so that mummy can sleep in. Every night, i read to him, i watch tv with him, i teach him his ABCs - why? so that mummy can rest and relax as her work is stressful, as if my job is a breeze??

Before we get a weekend help with the housework, i cook, I clean, I mop. i do dishes, i wash the cars... now i only cook and do dishes, and take care of my son. If I need to go out on weekend, i make sure i pack breakfast for her, and i do marketing so that she have something to cook for her lunch, as she does not like the coffee shop downstairs. but if she needs to go out during the weekend, she leaves me with a list of instructions on what needs to be done when she is away.

I gave up job opportunities in China, Oz and Malaysia cos she does not want me to be away, and she is not willing to uproot and follow me. My family = my life liao.

I honestly do not know how much more giving i can handle...

but i recognise my problem, i pay too much attention to what she says, sometimes she tells me off over minor issues, and i take too long to forgive and forget. I cannot smile at her if i am feeling pissed... while she is those who can fall asleep during a quarrel.

Have i talked to her properly? yes and no, cos i have tried all possible means except shouting if that is a proper way. Ok, i am exhausted picking a fight with myself over this issue. sorry....

You are not a saint and I believe the brothers here don't expect you to be one.

In fact you are the one that is enjoying the company and affection of your son, I am sure without doubt, the father and son bond will be stronger as he grows older. Life or family life is meant to be savoured, not compare upon on who is doing more or doing less. It does not work this way.

Work is just a means to put food on the table. You work to live but not live to work.

I am sure you will be fine hereon after seeing your last post.

 

[STUCK_HERE]

Tough as nails at work, that probably sums up her character. She is also tough as nails at home. She probably has a nasty character and cannot control it at the workplace and at home.

It is only a phase you are going through. Your kid will grow up and you will be less stressed. If you looks after your kid well, your wife will grow to respect and love you later. Too bad, you earn less, i suspect, that's why she's calling the shots.

Even with your wife, do everything strategically. Don't have joint account with her. Don't give her your money. Don't have too many kids.

 

[tonychat]

Let's face reality. Non dual income families here are disadvantaged due to very high cost of living even for those in hdb housing. They are more susceptible to hardship when the sole bread winner loses his or her job. There are countless single income families here with heavy financial burden and job worries. You are damned lucky that both of you are working and that it is your wife who is more successful, forget about tradition of man having to make more. Workplaces are tough and filled with kpi, competition and politics. At least your wife is holding and you should spare a thought for her and let her have some of her ways. How others wish to marry a rich wife. Further, she is also imprisoned as a mother and this is hell of a change from maidenhood emotionally. If you trade places with your wife and you are more successful, with your stated feelings, you would probably over-react to your wife alot more than she now does to you. So give and take. At the end it is all for the family, more children, more money and job security. BTW, on the materialistic part, your wife deserve to pamper herself even in thoughts whilst yet to achieve "arrived" status. Those who say that they do not dream of condos, mercedes, rolexes are lying - they are those who just cmi. Look at our $$$ rich churches and temples where frugality is not in the vocab. Your complaints are common daily issues faced by your neighbours, relatives and friends, so just think and act positive and move on. This phase will past on in no time bro.

I disagree with this one. Regardless of anyone who can bring back a good bread, there is no need to involved with any over reaction just because of that.

That is shallow, sinkie behavior.

 

[chupacabra]

Bro you live only once. Why be miserable? Find another soulmate. There are alot of fishes in the ocean that will love you and your boy more.

 

[moolightaffairs]

I was hoping to put the money issue to bed.......

bro catch71

think u r more submissive than a woman. hopefully u wont end up looking for a man to love u when u hit 40(this is a real life situation that i know, a man give up his family. A wife and 2 boy to become ah qua to look for a man to love "her").

my wife also got these on off pc or bread prob. i also do that to her, on purpose. no one will learn a lesson unless they kena the same thing. so juz let her have a taste of her own medicine.

why must you take instructions frm her??? fuck it. go and do what you want with your career, career come first for a man. when you are doing well in your career, you will have a submissive wife. your situation now is you focus too much on the family or her and all the house work. tell her you got work to do or get a domestic help. sometime show your temper and ignore her if you got work to do. woman always love mean guy. if u r too submissive, you wife may end up having an affair with other man. its a push and pull technique you have to master. sometime give her instructions or don't follow what she said. give her a piece of your mind if its wrong, maybe not wrong but when you bueh song also give her a piece of your mind. don't forget, you are dealing wif a sinkie woman. not a viet. hope this will help.

 

[tonychat]

in other words, if the woman tries to be funny with the man, just show the middle finger. If you be a wimp, you will get trashed.