Guide to France
The following advices for American travelers going to France was compiled
from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the CIA, the U.S.
Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for
Disease Control and some really, really expensive spy satellites that the
French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers
only.
** General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country located in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with
no decent shops. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as
the Louvre and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to western civilization
are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes
to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is
next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One
continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on
speaking in English, though many WILL speak German, if shouted at.
** People
France has a population of 60 million people, 59 million of these drink and
smoke (the last million is under six months old). All French people drive
like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have no concept of standing
patiently in a queue, or line. The French people are in general, gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined. Those are their
good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though one would
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists. Men
sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other
when they meet. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and
wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier recognition.
** Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be aware it will
from time to time be invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender
immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and the
increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life
for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel
connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened
in recent years to make it easier for the French government to escape
during future German invasions but Germans are now considering digging a
tunnel to pass under France when going to Spain on summer holidays.
** History
France's historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years
and is now an airport.
** Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love
administration so for governmental purposes, the country is divided into
regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages,
cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and
elections. One french citizen out of three is a president of something.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though
confusingly they are both on the ground floor), and whose members are
either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the
traveler. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the
South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries
complain. According to the most current American State Department
intelligence, the President is now one of the seven dwarfes wich escaped
from Euro-Disney. Further information is not available at this time.
** Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see
why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie
that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. Churchill
said that a gentleman is someone who knows how to play accordion but
doesn't.
** Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug
with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although
it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this.
** Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports,
in order of importance to the economy are : wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines,
tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
** Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
361 national holidays are : 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16
Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as
if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days, 17
Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 France is Great and the Rest
of the World is Rubbish Days.
** Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people
did not inhabit it. The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not
Germany.
Note: Taken from a website long ago and forgotten the name. My sincere apologies to the originator.
