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- Aug 20, 2022
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Do I hang on or move on?
In My FeelsI have been the OW for a few years now.
In the beginning we were coworkers, then friends, then best friends. After a year of talking constantly in a deep emotional affair we accidentally became physical, not all the way but enough to know we were wrong, and both spiralled about the mistake we had made. After that we debated remaining friends but ultimately decided we could just be friends and be fine. Of course that did not work out and the physical side increased and intensified. We always had rules and boundaries to avoid too much intimacy, but this wore on me for a long time. I knew that I would never be more than the OW and wrestled with the thought of whether I deserved more than that in life. Eventually I had enough and told him that I couldn't do it anymore and I was tired of being a secret, that I deserved to be someone's everything. He agreed that it wasn't fair and we should let each other go. A few days later he told me he couldn't take it and he wanted to be with me. Then the tale as old as time ensued, where he can't just leave there have to be many steps involved. Now we are about a year into him figuring his stuff out, where there always seems to be one excuse or another as to why the timeline needs to be pushed back. Just when it seems as though we might finally be together he has another issue come up. At this point he says he has ended things at home, but they still live together for their child and while they figure out their house. I also have a child, plus pets (he is not a big pet person), so all of these things have come into play throughout.
He is still my best friend and I still love him more than any man I have loved before, but the stress and the secrecy has put such a strain on both of us that we are not communicating the way we used to and our short times together are often tense.
I struggle with feeling like a terrible person for becoming exactly what I said I never would, but I fell in love and genuinely have never felt a connection the way I do with him. I struggle with whether he is being honest with me and actually plans to make a life with me or if these are tactics to keep me hanging on. Even if we were to end up together is our history too messy to be able to work?
Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.
